Post-addict dating....
 

A question for my SR friends:

So I've had active online dating profiles on two sites, for about the last 18 months, both were paused while I fake-dated the addict (for those of you who don't know the history, we were always a short-term arrangement), but now they're up and running again, and I have some interest from women on the site.

What I don't know how to do, is explain my last "relationship"....it seems like it would be a giant red flag for anyone with two functioning brain cells to rub together. I personally accept that there are some more things I need to work on before I feel I'm good enough for someone else, but dating is just dating....a few drinks, some witty banter, maybe a kiss, it's not like I want to marry someone tomorrow.

Anywho, the problem I'm having today, is that I'm plenty good at carrying on an online conversation with potential dates, until we get to the point where I may have to admit that the last person I had sex with was a junkie.

Who wouldn't run for the hills after knowing that?

I'm not sure how to do this. But my history isn't going anywhere.

I know what you're saying. I have similar concerns.

Are you really, truly ready to get out there again?

Two things come to mind:
1) Are you REALY ready to go out and date again?
2) Why do you feel the fact that you dated a girl who was an addict affects YOU negatively as far as dating? If I met a guy who had dated a girl who was an addict, Id feel bad for him, not judge him or feel it had anything to do negatively with him.

I think the biggest worry for a potential date would be the fear of STDs. Other than that, your behavior should be the prime consideration for any date. Based on that, I would wait to reveal your previous relationship until you know how the new one is going. If it is never going to be serious, she has no need to know. OTOH, you may decide that a non-serious relationship is the perfect one to practice talking about your previous relationship.

Just some advise as I started dating early in recovery. Just dont get emotionally attached. Its almost impossible as you will probably find a great girl that you will want to spend more time with. Just hold zero expectations and you will be fine.
Im dating casualy now. The women I'm dating does not care at all that I use to be an active addict. She likes the fact that I am open, honest and sincere. If your with someone that judges you on your past, you shouldn't be with them anyways.

No reason at all you have to mention the previous relationship was with a "junkie". You simply say it did t work out she was not healthy for you.

If the issue of sex and STD's come up, you simply say I've been tested and I am fine, but be prepared to back that one up.

The details of your previous relationship need not be disclosed, at least not until your truly in another relationship and then only if you feel comfortable enough to discuss it.

After divorcing my XAH I was pretty damaged. I had a son from that relationship and my thought processes were pretty messed up. I made a lot of dating mistakes (even dated another addict after divorcing one!!! YIKES!!!!).

But I learned as I went and wound up meeting my husband. Luckily, he is an extraordinarily healthy man and even when I was doing stupid stuff due to my "baggage", he was rock solid. We've now been married for 28 years.

I guess my point with this is simply that......you're going to learn as you go. If you're ready, go a head and get out there and date. You've got your history......so what.....every person has their history. It's their "current" that counts......and yours too.

Enjoy the process of meeting interesting people.

gentle hugs
ke

To me the biggest issue wouldn't be the dating part, it would be the trusting part once dating was established. We go through so much with our addicts it hardens our hearts and we have a hard time trusting. Try to let those feelings go and open up your heart as much as you can. I know its easier said than done.

why is it you feel the need to classify your last relationship like that? or to even go into details about the last person you had sex with???? assuming you've been tested and have a clean bill of health, that seems a bit more info than the other person needs to know.

This.

I would find it extremely inappropriate if someone was asking me about my prior sexual partners on the first few dates. It has never occurred to me to ask about everyone my fiance has ever slept with. I'm not interested in hearing those kinds of details. He certainly doesn't know everything about everyone I've ever slept with. Perhaps that's because we're old enough that much of that history is, well, ancient history. I dunno.

I will say that if I met someone and they wanted to talk about their ex all the time I would run for the hills, regardless of the content of those conversations. To me it's an indication that someone isn't ready for a new relationship yet.

Since using the multi-quote feature is super annoying on an iPad, I'll just try and fill in some of the blanks.

Firstly, I live on a small island, where I know pretty much everybody, and don't have any interest. So dating locally is out. That means anyone I do date, must first accept not only mild distance, but a ferry ride and all the hassle that means between them and I. So all other things being equal, not everyone is going to want to date me, just due to logistics.

Next, my relationship with the A....I am fortunate, that I only experienced a few solid months of chaos before she moved on, and am grateful she did. Our relationship was different than most, in that I never pinned any hopes or dreams on it, it was finite, and there were no qualities about it upon which I would want to build an actual relationship (with a future and all that). I think I may have managed to avoid becoming emotionally attached, but I was sexually attached (sorry, it's the truth), and I also came to love her very much (but not in love, if you know the difference). Mostly, when I came to SR, it was because she had started using again, and I discovered that my ego was very much attached to her sobriety, and I took her relapse as an indication of my failure. Knowing that this is codependent behavior, I have sought to control myself, to distance myself (from her), and to make improvements in my life to prevent being taken advantage of again.

So am I really ready, you ask? Well, I think I'm perfectly ready for dating. Just good, honest fun. There's enough obstacles between me and a real relationship, that I think it will be awhile before that opportunity appears. I know that I am definitely not ready to see someone with addiction/codependent issues, but all other normal people should be fine.

Should I tell them upfront? Or wait til things get serious? Personally, I lean towards putting it right out there. Everybody deserves to opportunity bail if something doesn't suit them, and I'd rather they had the chance sooner than later. As I see it, I made a mistake, and got played like a fiddle, I can own that.

On the STD front, I got a clean bill of health in October, and am not concerned.

As for trust? None of us were wrong for trusting someone I the first place. Addicts don't come with little instruction manuals, explaining how we should or should not treat them (that's what SR is for, lol), so I feel it's fine to trust new people, as long as I'm conscious of any red flags that might be indicative of a repeat performance (like connecting with someone because they also have addiction/codependency in their past as well).

So I think I've answered my own questions, thanks to your input, and if any of you feel the need to pick this apart and highlight any misunderstandings I might have, feel free.

Bottom line is, I live by two phrases:
-we are what we do.
-we don't get to know.

I can sit on the sidelines indefinitely, making excuses and playing it safe. Or I just get out there, meet some girls, have some drinks and conversation, and keep on enjoying my life. Somebody out there may be perfect, or maybe another train wreck waiting to happen, I don't get to know, I only get to find out.

And in response to the last two posts, I really have no interest in discussing the A in depth with potential partners, only acknowledgement, as I am very determined to reintroduce authenticity into all aspects of my life. No more effing secrets. Like it, love it, or leave.

couple things...this last encounter only lasted a few months. please make sure not to define yourself by it. you met somebody and it didn't work out. PERIOD. going into all THEIR faults doesn't help you in the now.

second, there are more options than PERFECT or TRAIN WRECK. if you feel you MUST re-engage in the social scene, try to do so with an open mind...and NOT seek the perfect other. (there isn't one). give it as much impact as shoe shopping or ski boots, trying on different colors and styles to see if anything fits, but knowing that sometimes what SEEMS to fit in the store, hurts your feet or calves later.

third, i noticed you said "meet for drinks" each time in reference to the potential DATE. maybe expand your horizons and not have it center around a bar or alcohol. think outside the box. make it fun light and carefree.