thestarxvii

ABF is having family party at his parents house right now. last night, and again this morning, he tells be to be ready at 4pm bc he was going to pick me up. i didnt hear from him all day, ignoring my texts. at 5 i called him and there was a beep after the rings indicating he was on the phone and i was "beeping in" i became furiously hurt and turned my ringer off. i saw that he texted half n hour after i called that he was on his way to come get me. after another hour, i told him that i wasn't going anywhere with him. he showed up at my house at 7 and i stuck to my word.
he sent a text asking me to drive myself to the party bc i would regret it.

HA! no i do not regret it, i don't want to be faking happiness and standing next to a man that was a jerk to me all day. not only that but also the embarrassment should he happen to be nodding out in front of his family because of the opiates (whether its subs or H i can't believe what he says anymore)

right now I'm laying here watching netflix, content in my immediate surroundings but still so furious with his irresponsibility and the lack of dedication to recovery.

he says he has no meetings this week, if that is true its probably because of the holiday. but i wouldn't be surprised if they kicked him out for testing positive for H too many times.

i feel like i'm at the end of my rope. i admitted to my sister that he is sniffing H and i just felt so ashamed that i allow myself to be dating this guy. why am i so passive when it comes to breaking up? since i've been here, i've become obsessed with the idea of just saying Good bye. i tried last night but didn't make him leave after and it got pushed under the rug. i can't see myself actively cutting the rope.

am i just as bad as he is?
relative to him+opiates and me+him?
don't want to quit him but know i should....

overit263

Be thankful you aren't married to him. It's even harder to break up when you're married. And I mean that from the legal point, emotionally it's easy when you're fed up.

thestarxvii

divorce us absolutely horrible. i worked at a law office that specialized in it. my county has made it easier, they have all the forms and a check list online. you can basically file for divorce in your pj's but good luck trying to divide the "things" - that is the worst. $500 lawyer bill fighting over $20 dish sets.

thank god i have no children with him and I'm not married to him.

the kids would have to be immaculate bc of that side effect of opiates.

overit263

We don't want to quit them, but we have to in order to save ourselves. It's very hard, you start to feel better as you regain your sanity though. There are ups and downs and a lot of people say no contact is the best way to accomplish this, and hell if you're already saying to yourself "thank god I have no children with him and I'm not married to him", well there's your answer right there that you need to end it.

thestarxvii

this site has just changed the way i think. i don't want to chose to be subjected to the emotional pain of loving an addict. its too hard. and i can't handle the truth. knowing that he snorts H is just too much. i don't know how i would react to find out if he choses IV, which could very well happen. i have seen him go to rehab for 2 months w/ barely any improvement. it's time for me to be strong and get a grip on what i can control.

overit263

That's part of it, we don't know what lengths they've gone to for their addiction. They feel shame so they hide what they can. Mine turned out to be an IV H user and it's so scary. I couldn't do it anymore and the relationship had been going downhill for a while, I just thought it was his depression and that it hadn't gone to relapse. I was so wrong. It's hard to face that our loved one has chosen drugs, and even worse when they don't put the effort in to being and staying clean and we get disappointed. But that's why we have to detach with love so that they can get clean for themselves if they choose to do so. Sorry you're having a hard time of it. It gets better when you get out of it, still hard, but it gets better. I'm still sorting through my own feelings and I was tired of the lack of support from him, doing everything myself etc. etc. and knew I was miserable, but I have moments of anger still. I can't wait to be a year out from this to see where I end up though!

thestarxvii

it is so scary to find out the things he has done. i keep thinking of jack Nicholson saying "you can't handle the truth!"

i don't even know why i bother asking anymore.
if you don't ask questions, you wont get any lies.

rose

So sorry to hear what he is putting you through and being Xmas seems to sting even more. I was married to an addict with 2 small boys when the nightmare began. As hard as it is you re going to have to be really honest with yourself is this a relationship you want to dive in further with. Is it love that is keeping you hanging on or the fear of being alone. Until he is done with this life style this is going to be the way it is and who knows how long he will continue on with it and why should you short yourself out of happiness that is out there. This is no way to live if you don't have to, you have no responsibilities like marriage or children holding you back and thank your lucky stars you don't....

Rose

thestarxvii

i love him. i'm scared to see where this is heading. i'm sick of policing and caring about him more than he cares about himself. the love will be there forever. we both know it and say it often. sometimes i get so blinded with frustration of his actions and behavior and i forget he is sick and yes i do love him. I'm honestly just terrified of him not doing well in rehab and letting his new found H addiction get any worse.

i have an uncle that is a H user. around the age of 35 a shoulder injury/perc script became addiction. i've seen how easy he fell into it and how long its been apparent that he has a problem, his life is ruined and still lives with my grandparents. he just turned 50. my father ruined his life bc of alcohol. i know first hand the consequences of the lifestyle. i had a problem with alcohol and for the past year only have drank a couple of times, and i'm so proud of that.

my BF's parents don't seem to give a **** if he gets better or not. they just roll their eyes and don't understand how serious his problem is. he has me and his sister that show we care about him but i'm the only person in his life that calls him out on his behavior. out of everyone in his life, when he has free time, he is usually with me. if im not there i feel like he will have no one to remind him what he is doing.

but i can't live like this. worried, terrified, anxious, suspicious, and hold on because of love. he has to show some improvement. and if I'm there everyday, i'm afraid i wont be able to see it, or i'll get in the way,

this is what goes on in my head...... back and forth. its so strange.

overit263

I felt like I was the only one that my XAH had to keep him in check. His family all uses, they never showed up to rehab etc. We were friends long before we were ever married and we spent all of our free time together. You can't and shouldn't live like this. It's a progressive disease. I never thought mine would steal everything and sell it for drugs. I never thought I would find needles in the car when shopping for Christmas trees, I never thought I would be spending my birthday checking my husband into a sober living house after rehab. I can guarantee you that you might end up in some similar situations because you get so used to it being bad, that you don't see all the red flags you would think you would see. Before you know it, everything is gone, you're crying yourself to sleep and he doesn't care. Because he can't care about anything other than his using. I never thought I would be where I am now, and I don't do drugs, I barely even drink and when I do I don't drink to get drunk, and this person that I loved nearly destroyed my entire life. And you know where I am? Living far away from any family, with no health insurance, working three jobs, alone on Christmas. I trusted the wrong person, left my career that paid very well, for this. Don't get me wrong, there are pluses to this situation, but it's a hard hole to dig out of and I'm doing it very much alone. Is this what you want for yourself - is it worth all the love you have for him?

Vale

Overit263 wrote>>>>>>>>>>>

Living far away from any family, with no health insurance, working three jobs, alone on Christmas.

===========================
With all due respect, O263......you are NOT alone on Christmas.
You have your peace and your dignity......two of the finest pals
you will ever have the pleasure of befriending.

overit263

I just meant alone as in no family or close friends, I have my pets and my SR pals! Just trying to get the point across that addicts can cause you chaos and leave you to pick up the pieces after they've caused so much turmoil, and it's not an easy position to be in. Thanks Vale!

AnvilheadII

i'm sick of policing and caring about him more than he cares about himself.

look at that statement this way:

i'm sick of policing him and caring about him more than I care about MYSELF.

Lily1918

That is exactly how most addicts feel in relapse. Especially if they have some treatment under their belts and are still using. Just to give a little perspective...

I'm sorry that this happened to you my AH did the same thing last year at Thanksgiving. The only difference is that I went to the party and guess what? I was embarassed when he nodded out in front of the family. I'm glad you stayed home and stuck to your guns. Merry Christmas. And big hugs to you.

rose

if im not there i feel like he will have no one to remind him what he is doing.

You can't control another person addict or not...

Rose