New e-mail from my AD...what to do????

Old 12-26-2013, 03:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Upsetnneedhelp View Post
Seeing as you already invested so much money in the car, I would pay for it. Sometimes the impound fines and fees are more expensive than the car itself. Just tell her it's the last time you are helping and maybe try to get your name on the title.
Well, actually, the impound fees, registration, cost of fees to get license back, etc. are more than the car is actually worth. Unfortunately, I have had many "last times" and am finally coming to the realization that if I keep doing what I am doing, I will keep getting what I am getting....more manipulation, lies, etc. etc. So, I am done (this time). KE...I did learn a long time ago not to put my name on ANYTHING of hers....thank goodness....the car is in her name...if it were in mine, I would end up having to pay insurance, tags, etc. AND then have HER drive it....???? I think not. Moving on....day after Christmas and I think I made it through this one....Waiting for the next "shoe to drop"!
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Old 12-26-2013, 04:48 AM
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trudgingagain, don't wait for the next shoe to drop; KNOW that it will and like a Boy Scout, "Be Prepared". Watch "Singing in the Rain"! (I like your signoff line...)
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Old 12-26-2013, 06:00 AM
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Good point, Pamel.....I am gaining strength
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Old 12-28-2013, 06:37 AM
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Ugh! Well, I listened to all of you (and myself) until yesterday....then, BAM! I sent the e-mail....

DMV/Registration - ????? License suspended/no insurance


Car lienholder = $2305.85 due IN FULL to avoid repo. Or... They will take $670.56 NOW (up until the 28th) with payments BY PHONE of $120.00/month until balance is paid in full.


Impound fee: Car is on a mandatory hold for 30 days....at that time it will be $1, 526.65

I told my husband I sent it and he is pi$$ed...."Why?!", he asks....ugh...I don't know....But, of course...I now have TWO responses from her....not one....

#1

And where am I going to get 670.56? IS IT SO HARD TO HELP ME??!?!?!?!?!?!?! WHY WONT YOU DO THAT?! I don't understand your deal. If you are just going to keep e-mailing me telling me that I owe this much money and that much moeny, than stop, I already have bill collectos to do that. I JUST got off the F******G STREET, NO thanks to you of course, and what do you doo? Tell me this b***sh*t. Again, Merry Christmas. And I HOP#E our new year is nice and F*****G cozy in your LUXURY f*****g BEACH HOUSE.

#2


you really have showed your true colors throughout this whole thing. you have no idea what i have been through this year, let alone how far i have come.


you have really hurt me,

i have needed a mom for over year. but it doesn't matter...

i guess i should have known. you just can't see my happy without being involved.


I guess her last sentence is almost right....I keep getting "involved".....ugh....just sitting on this for a while....
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Old 12-28-2013, 07:01 AM
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Hi trudging;

Don't feel bad. She was BSing you and you showed her you knew. Addicts hate that.
I know I did.

So she's twisting in the wind and swinging at you while she's doing it.
Now is the time for the delete button. Husband will get over it.
I think you are doing amazingly well with all of it.
She needs to be responsible for herself. She's an adult.
That's the hardest thing to do sometimes when you just want to fix it.

Hugs from your fellow Tober (((((trudgingagain)))))
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Old 12-28-2013, 07:05 AM
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Thanks, Hawkeye...yeah...he's kind of over it already....I really did feel some sort of need to call her on her BS....but, as KE said....what did I "win"? She is definitely "swinging" at me....that delete button is just soooooo hard to hit....
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Old 12-28-2013, 07:33 AM
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I think the key here for YOU is to figure out why you felt the need to respond at all.

Was it to point out she is a liar?

Was it to prove YOU know the truth?

Did you feel this was some how sticking up for yourself?

When we discover our why's on why we are reacting to them, we have a better chance of understanding ourselves and then the ability to make changes.

When I was dealing with an active addict it was very important to me to prove I was right, needed to validate my own intuition. Problem was, I was looking to the most damaged person for that instead of being comfortable just knowing it myself. I learned to turn towards healthier people for that. Like people here at SR and in al-alanon. Then it didn't Matt to me any more what the addict thought all that mattered was what I knew.
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Old 12-28-2013, 07:41 AM
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Yeah, can't say I blame you for wanting to call her out on the BS. We can see from her response how much she liked that. I never liked it either. Just know that all this other stuff she's sending you is more of the same. She is trying to F.O.G. you into paying for her car! I just loved(not) the beach house guilt trip. Well excuse me, missy, your Moma earned the right to live there! She's worked/working hard, not getting high! She's not out spending every last dime on dope either! Sheesh! I know it's not easy but try real hard to disengage.

If it helps you to draft a letter back to her, then do it. Just don't push send.
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Old 12-28-2013, 08:05 AM
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Yes, alatose...I think it was both of those things...to show her that she is a liar and that I KNOW she is a liar....and also, that I am sticking up for myself....cleaningLI....well, at this point, it is too late to pay for her car and so where would the $600. go and why is she asking for that, given all of the other costs of getting the car? Truly...she just wants money...for what...IDK....drugs? Maybe...but, honestly, I don't care. She wants me to hand over money (again) and not ask her anything....no way....and yes, I did work my whole life...put the kids through colleges, and retired at 55....moved here...when is it MY turn?????? Ugh....makes me sick, all of the selfishness, entitlement, BS....
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Old 12-28-2013, 08:47 AM
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It is YOUR turn! You deserve a peaceful retirement! I know you love your daughter and trust me she KNOWS you do! That's why she's pulling this! Love does not equal sending money to help her destroy her life more than she already has! Love equals letting her make her own choices and allowing her to feel the consequences of those actions. That is the swiftest way to help her recognize she is making the wrong ones. Recovery/change occurs when doing the same thing over and over again becomes terribly uncomfortable. Let her reach that point. That IMHO is the most loving thing you can do for her.
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Old 12-28-2013, 08:55 AM
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Hey trudging, what is her father's modus / response to AD's trolling for cash?

Does she even ask him? How does he respond?
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Old 12-28-2013, 08:58 AM
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Yes, cleaning....I agree and I am trying...so hard being a mom....Hawkeye...good point. I divorced their dad in 1992...throughout the years, I had to fight him for child support. His response to everything has always been...."I don't have the money". Learned response by my girls....they stopped asking. Guess I have something to learn from that....lol...
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Old 12-28-2013, 09:24 AM
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Make today and every day your day!!! Do one thing each day just for you.
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Old 12-28-2013, 01:46 PM
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So interesting...just trying to figure out what to do "for me"....guess I am so used to doing for others that this is a tough subject...
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Old 12-28-2013, 02:47 PM
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Perhaps take a walk and look around you. While you're doing that think a little deeper. What kinds of interests come to mind? What are some things you enjoyed doing before your daughter's addiction took over your life? What are some things you wanted to do but never had the time?

Start with small things like reading, cooking, handicrafts or photography. Not nessisarily those things but whatever seems remotely interesting. You live in a beautiful place there must be lots to choose from. Just take time out each day (an hour to start is fine) to devote to yourself and your newfound interest.

During that hour make a promise to yourself that you will not worry, obsess or think about your daughter or her situation. You will not feel guilty either. Tell yourself this is your time only.

This might be hard to do at first but as time goes on you will get better at controlling your thoughts. You will hopefully build more interest in what you are doing. If not, and you find your mind reverting back to your daughter, you might need to try a different type of hobby.

This is just a suggestion that seemed to work for me. So I thought I'd share it with you. I know it's really hard to focus on yourself when you are probably programmed from years and years of worrying about your daughter, but please give it a try. I'm a Mom too. Even though my kids are not addicts, (I do worry about the potential of my 30 year old becoming an alcoholic, she does take drinking to a higher level) we Moms get so used to living, doing and caring for them that we tend to loose ourselves and our own interests.

Good luck! Wishing you the best!
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Old 12-28-2013, 04:26 PM
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I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've done the same thing.....called or hit that "send" button......and wish I hadn't.

Let go or be dragged. They drag us through the mud, dirt, rocks.......and still we hang on with all our might.

I use daily readers to keep my head on straight. The following can be found online (I downloaded them to my iPhone so they are always with me).

SESH - Sharing Experience Strength & Hope(Nar-Anon daily reader)
The Language of Letting Go (by Melody Beattie)
More Language of Letting Go (by Melody Beattie)
Lots of stuff through Hazelden are available online

I think atalose stated it very well....sometimes we are looking to the most damaged person for validation.....the addict. And yes.....she is trying to F.O.G. you into acquiescing to her demands.

Perhaps instead of telling her what she already knows, you can lay out your boundaries. Say what you mean (state boundaries clearly), mean what you say (boundaries are not negotiable) and don't say it mean.

Example of a boundary:

I will not engage with you if you are being disrespectful. I will either discontinue a phone call or I will not reply to your email. (Then follow through.....the most important part!!)

(Notice they are "I" statements....both the boundary and how it will be handled.) Boundaries are not threats, ultimatums, or actions required on their part. Boundaries explain what you will or will not tolerate. The action statement is what you will do if the boundary is crossed. Saying it nicely without judgement, anger, resentment......that's the really tough part! Lol..

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 12-29-2013, 03:08 AM
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Thanks again, cleaning and KE...I am going to try to take some "me" time today and stop obsessing over her...I have started yoga in the last year, so maybe a bit more of that....and yes, boundaries need to be set....good point about the "I" statements, KE. It is time that this hamster wheel lost its speed....
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Old 12-29-2013, 03:25 AM
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...difference between food and bait???????

(bait has a hook in it!)

I had a hamster when I was young. I always wondered why he was so stupid,
and if he knew that his hamster wheel was going nowhere?

Sometimes he would be on it for an hour.

I thought he was a real dumb rodent......until I did the addiction hamster wheel....

(for 2 years!)
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Old 12-29-2013, 03:52 AM
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LOL...great, Vale....
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Old 12-29-2013, 05:52 AM
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Yoga is a great outlet.....love it. For me, music and dancing (when no one is watching....lol) is another one. Hmmmm.....for some reason I'm particularly fond of Latin Music! Rodrigo y Gabriela are fantastico! Jesse Cook's "Mario Takes A Walk".

Keep taking care of you!

hugs
ke

PS-To Vale.....trying to get a hook out is a bear.......how can a person see the hook in what appears to be food!?! Lol
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