gothbarbie

Anyone else feeling this way during this time of year? I admit I'm still having trouble coping with the break up of my XAB. It's been 4 months , no contact from either side of us & for some reason it's just got me feeling extremely depressed. I am sickened at the sight of happy couples in public & feeling alone at all of my family gatherings bc I don't have someone "special" in my life anymore. I sometimes blame myself for it, other times I realize what he did to me was just wrong on so many levels & not to mention disrespectful. I'm sad at the fact that he hasn't even had the audacity to email (at the very least) to see how I'm doing. I know what you're all thinking, Get over it already! I'm really honestly trying but these holidays have made me beyond depressed & sad this year & I can't wait for them to be over already! I know I should be happy that he went to rehab & I am but why throw me away when I stood by him all that time? We were like Bonnie & Clyde (except we didn't rob banks or kill people) LOL
I want to rebuild my life but he left me homeless & broken Do opiate addicts ever really miss the ones they threw away & return at some point???

Mags1

Hi gothbarbie, I haven't had any experience about opiate addicts, sorry.

Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and sending big hugs to you. You aren't alone, keep visiting here, there are lots of people with similar experiences to talk to.

gothbarbie

Thank you mags <3 I do come here alot actually, it helps some but here lately this crap has just overcome me & has depressed me to no end.

Mags1

It's bound to, but I found when at my lowest I read lots of experiences from our SR friends and know I'm not alone. Anytime I feel sad or weak I vent out or rant on here and it really does help.

I've never been as honest as I have putting my feelings on sr any time day or night. So, just keep writing, visiting, reading. It does help though may not feel like it at the time. x

Take care of yourself

zoso77

Not anymore. But I used to loathe Christmas. I have a lot of painful memories of this time of year. So when Christmas 2012 rolled around, the way I saw it, I had a choice. I could either wallow in those memories, or I could approach the day differently. So last year, I treated Christmas as the start of my two week vacation from work and a chance to rest.

This year, I dare say I'm somewhat in the spirit. I've probably been more charitable this year than any other year, and I'm lucky I'm able to do that and a lot of other things. My best friend and I went to The Capital Grille the other night and splurged big time. We just sat in the bar and had a blast. F**k, I even watched White Christmas for the first time today because the last part of that movie, to me, captures the best of what this season should be about: gratitude, friends, and family.

One of the things I'm most grateful for is the addict that was in my life for Christimas 2010 and 2011 is no longer in the picture. That's a gift that keeps giving the other 364 days of the year.

So, make a decision to treat Christmas however you need to treat it so you can get through the day. If I can do it, you can, too.

ZoSo

overit263

I have horrible memories of it, and I couldn't shake them this weekend through this morning. Thought about how a few years ago I found needles in the car when soon to be AXH and I were going to get a Christmas tree....spending Christmas at the rehab, spending time checking him into the sober recovery house which was a total nightmare. I guess I couldn't really think about all of these awful things until the relationship was over? I'm right there with you though, this is going to be a hard first Christmas alone. Going out with friends who are also divorced/going through divorces should make it less lonely and sad though.

Lily1918

I was sad all day today. Grandma just showed up and dropped off presents for my kids and got me up off the couch, threw me in the shower and washed the dishes in the kitchen. She told me:

"Lily, I love you my grandson and these children. I'm so glad you are still sober, but don't fall into sadness." Then she listed off all of my blessings and it made me feel a little better.

Do you remember in Romeo and Juliet when the preist does the same thing when Romeo gets bannished?
Or in the Sound of Music she counts her favorite things? It helps. It really does.

What kind of support do you have for yourself? Do you work or go to school? Are you willing to try Al anon?
Sending you hugs,
Lily

needingabreak

Gothbarbie, I do get how you are feeling but for different reasons. You have had a tough four months so it is completely understandable why you are feeling blue. This time of year can be really tough. It is easy to say let us count our blessings because despite all we are going through, there are still things to be thankful for. Just because I am blessed in many other ways does not take away from my feelings of sadness though. In order to get past them, we must acknowledge them. I have been in a funk for over a week or more. So much has happened in the last 2 weeks. This does not mean my Christmas is ruined nor does it mean I will not worship the day Jesus was born. It means I am feeling pretty darn blah.
1) It will be the first Christmas for my sister-in-law without her son because he died from an OD in January. Tomorrow night is going to be a somber one. I cannot begin to imagine her pain. 2) My son's friend just died and my heart breaks for his family. 3) I just heard from a Mom I got close to at the family weekend for rehab that her son has now relapsed. My heart is literally hurting so much for these parents. It is downright depressing. 4) I was threatened by a whacko this week 5) my grandchildren are not here with me for Christmas. So, yeah it pretty much stinks this year.............but I am still going to thank God for my blessings and pray for a much better 2014 for all of us. I read what some of the people here are going through and I know,without a doubt, I am blessed. I do not know how some get through their days. My problems are peanuts compared to theirs.

suncatcher

Hi Gothbarbie! I know and can sympathize with what you are going through now. I remember how hard it was when I first broke up with my AXBF. I missed him terribly, wanted him to contact me and tell me he missed me too, felt hurt and angry when he didn't. So many emotions. I wondered if he ever felt bad for how he treated me but I knew he was trapped in his own world and he still is. He is having health problems now and has to have a scan on his abdomen this Friday. I told him I would be there for him but he doesn't seem to care. It's so hard to love someone so much but not be able to reach them mentally. I don't have any magic answers for you but just wanted to let you know I understand and wouldn't tell you to just get over it already because I know it's not that simple. (((Hugs))) and peaceful wishes to you. Glad you are here, I think we have a lot of feelings about our exes in common!

gothbarbie

thanks so much suncatcher! I feel that this depression will soon pass once the holidays are over. I miss him terribly but the truth of the matter is that I strongly feel he just doesn't love me back the way I did for him. I thank everyone for their kind words at this difficult time. I must continue on my path of self love and happiness with being alone for now. traveling has helped but sometimes. when I get to a new destination I have anxiety from being alone. does anyone feel he may surface at some point out of curiosity that I haven't reached out to him?

rose

I can relate to what you are saying, I went from loving Christmas to dreading it...and I have tried. My exah now was arrested 3 days before Xmas on 2004 and then for 4 years we it was a rollercoaster ride, if he wasn't in jail he was up to no good. Then the boys in their teens being jerks for couple years so Xmas was always unsettling. 3 years back I took the boys to Mexico for Xmas and the oldest one got into a huff and took a fight back home and I didn't no where he went so you can imagine the terror I was in running around Mexico looking for him....last year my oldest was on drugs and stole a wallet with Xmas money in it and an Iphone from my youngest son's friend. It has all been more than I could take at Xmas and my son doing this sent me over the edge and I tried taking my life. This year is not shaping up to anything good either with the disrespectful names my oldest has called me, so Im not having Xmas, no gifts, no tree, but its sure not easy getting away from it...we just have to be strong just a couple more days and it will be over...

Rose

Lexy1

Remember, you deserve someone who loves themselves and you more than their drug/addiction.
HUGS!

suncatcher

I feel the same way about my A. That he never loved me the way I loved him but maybe it's not so much they didn't love us as they just were unable to show it. It sounds like you are on the right path. He may resurface once he recovers from his addiction. Opiate addiction is very tough not that they all aren't but it is likely he will relapse before he beats it completely. Keep working on yourself and let him work on him. I will be glad when the holidays are over too!

FeelingGreat

Hi Gothbarbie, I think people make too much of Christmas, not so much the religious part, but the social side. There's an attitude that the day HAS to be special and festive and single people like me end up feeling like depressed losers.
I long ago stopped feeling this way about Christmas. When my son married a girl whose family lives some distance away I told them up front that whatever arrangements they wanted to make over Christmas were fine with me. For the first few years they went to her family, now they prefer to stay local and visit them after Christmas. All good.
I think by being determined not to make Christmas compulsory I've taken the sting out of it for myself and it's worked really well for my peace of mind.
Does your BF love you and miss you? I don't know, but the addiction thing will always come first for addicts. It's not a reflection on you, or to say you were unimportant, but he's not capable of acting any other way, and he's done you a favour by staying away. Don't beat yourself up; to feel sad and angry is natural.

gothbarbie

thanks again guys for the replies it really does help. my heart goes out to those. lonely hearts as well.

gothbarbie

it does make me feel better that I'm not the only one being. a Grinch. this year. I hate admitting. that a man could sadden me so much ;/ I just. want to be loved again. the. way. I lo e someone

PlasticInsanity

I'm wishing you well. Addiction is a terrible disease, and I'm sorry that you were affected by it.

I'm wondering if you've heard the term co-dependency? I don't know how long you two were together, but you could miss the feeling of being needed. I'm a CD as my father was an alcoholic; after the drinking seemed to subside, and I was happy, I strangely missed what I was used to.

Gourd

I'm in the same boat as you (or worse). Haven't had a companion in four years. Haven't had a significant other ever in the 28 years of my life.

Got family and some friends. Those who support and help me but without a SO, even if it's just having one briefly, life is considerably more hollow and empty.

Being sober has improved things but life will remain a lonely, uphill battle.

My heart's with you. Being alone sucks.

gothbarbie

^ we were together on & off for 2 yrs but mostly together. He just kept going back & forth on whether he wanted to be in a relationship with me or not. I don't think i'm a CD at all actually bc I don't see myself as wanting to feel "needed" I just like sharing my life w/ people that I care about / love but when they decide they don't want to be in my life it hurts me terribly esp if we had a great relationship for the most part. We never fought until the end when I was in an emotional turmoil due to his hot & cold with me. I can be alone , sure, but I don't want to be. I'm sure a vast majority of the masses feel this way but some are afraid to admit it. Maybe I've got seperation anxiety or something like that but if I love or care about somebody & they go away for whatever reason, I get sad & blue. I think it's completey normal actually. It's called FEELING, which most either choose not to or try not to.

gothbarbie

I feel ya Gourd :/ it sucks ass being alone. I like to have boys in my life even if we're playing around, I crave the attention for fun & once it's not there I hate the empty hollow feeling you describe. I just wonder if my AXBF will realize what we had & realize he doesn't want to be alone & return to me in the future..... There's always hope