trudgingagain

Just found this as part of SR forums....glad I did! I have been reading and posting in another recovery site, but really w/o notifications of feedback....this time of year is soooo hard! I have 2 daughters, 28 and 25. The 25 y/o is the addict. It started when she was 19..sent her to rehab for alcohol, following a DUI...She met the "cook" in rehab...he is 44 (today actually)....then he was 38. She went from rehab to sober living, from which she was kicked out...and he was virtually "stalking" her...manipulating....During the last 6 years, he taught her how to use heroin (became addicted), she got clean for a year or so, and is now addicted to meth/heroin...My husband (not her father) moved to Costa Rica 3 years ago. At that time, she was clean, had a job, apt., had graduated college....etc. I had paid for apt. after apt., bill after bill....just to keep her head above water. As of November, last year, when we visited CA, she had moved into a great house (with roommates), had a great job, paying her bills...etc. Lost her job in Feb. I sent her $2500. to "get by" until she got a new one...found out she spent it on motels/food for HIM (addict/felon). She got evicted anyway, got another job, lost it, got another place, lost it, and the list goes on....She came to visit in July (I paid RT air) after being homeless with him for months, pawning everything she owned, etc. etc. Said he needed to get away from him....Long story short (???), she showed up covered in meth scabs and going through detox for the week she was here. I had broken my ankle and thought she could also help me (as I was still on crutches, and had difficulty taking care of myself...my husband had to go to the States due to his mother's ill health). The plan was for her to stay a month or so, to help get her life together...she lasted ONE WEEK. Slept/ate all week....with ME cooking, cleaning up after HER. She was verbally abusive...(F*** You!; F*** You, twice!) she would scream at me. The last night, she took the keys to the car and left it in the road RUNNING. Came back and said, "You better deal with that!" (We lived on the 2nd floor and I could hardly WALK...but I did.) Then, she locked me in my bedroom when I went in there, trying to avoid her. I called management and they put her up in another condo for the night. "You F***ing walk!") Apparently she lost her passport, and couldn't get out of the country....THAT WAS MY FAULT. She managed to manipulate money from a friend of mine to get back to Los Angeles. Fast forward to now...hateful e-mails from her and him...she was arrested for driving on suspended license (due to unpaid tickets). Car impounded...and STILL....I am trying to help! I paid the ticket and considered trying to pay for her car....BUT..impound/lienholder payments exceed the value of the car....AND...I HAVE TO BE DONE! After she left here, we discovered burned foil under the bathroom sink, lots of items missing...including the urn that held my father's ashes...I told her I would rather pay towards a new car than give her money for this one, and I would only do that when she was clean and he is gone. Wouldn't ya know...4 days later...she emails me that he is gone, she IS clean, and she has saved up for her own guest house...just needs a car to be able to find/get to a job. BS....Although I sooooo want to believe her....I KNOW it is just more manipulation....CANNOT go there....My heart is broken...she was once my best friend.....she is not that person anymore

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR......although....as always....so sorry for the reasons that bring you here.

It is heartbreaking to watch our adult children struggle with addiction. There is nothing in this world that we want more than for them just to be independent, happy, and healthy. As active addicts, those things seem impossible. We help and help and help.....only to become angry, resentful, and feeling used and abused.

I understand this (my son is an addict). Everyone here on SR understands. There are many mothers like you who have experienced the chaos that addiction brings into a family.

It's important to have support for you. Unfortunately all the assistance we provide as loving parents does very little to help them get out of the trap of addiction and often.....without it being our intent.....we contribute to the problem.

Do you have any support groups in Costa Rica? What have you done for yourself for support for you? I am going to PM you.....and I'll explain the reason why I am interested.

gentle hugs
ke

TMZ

Welcome trudgingagain.

Yes we all know the feeling of wanting to help them. Wanting there life to be easier than the hard road we have walked. ...The thing is it is that hard lonely road that we walked is what made us. They too must fall down, to learn how to pick themselves up. If we keep doing it for them they only learn to keep relying on us and using drugs because we will fix it for them.
I ask you, ...What would she do if you were dead? ...How would she survive then?

We have raised them, we have taught them right from wrong. Like our parents for generations before us, we help them to get on there feet, to make life easier than before. Somehow we missed the fact that falling down and picking yourself back up is what make you stronger. We have no right to cheat them out of that lesson of life. We have no right to have them live the life we want for them.

The have been give the power of free will! They will choose their own path and we are not in charge of that. Until we step back with love and faith that we did what was done for us before, they will not strive for anything more.

The drugs are something that was not an issue for the previous generations like it is for ours. That dragon is for them to battle on their own. Anything we do makes them loose.


Stay strong, have faith, it is from your example and strength that they will learn.
Keep posting, keep reading.

trudgingagain

Thanks for you PM Kindeyes....I am learning how to get support for ME...FINALLY....Support groups here are quite limited, unfortunately...but I have found a lot online....TMZ...great question and excellent point about generations. Of course you are right...in fact, my sister and I were just talking about this generation thing yesterday. My parents were alcoholics...but, my mom raised us...did the best she could, and then she was DONE. We were on our own...Unfortunately, alcoholism runs in my family, and really no one was spared....but, you are right. We learned to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and start again...This generation has HARD DRUGS....I guess that's the scary part...they KILL...but, as I write this...I have to admit that my mom died from alcoholism. Period. So, no real difference, really. I am trying to let her live HER life, not the one I wanted for her.....thanks for the reality check.