Twofish

Hello SR, I truly feel mentally ill. Let me begin at 6am this morning.
I haven't been sleeping well this past week, worried and obsessing over the 2 ADs. Fearing a relaspe, fearing the future.
We had to greet this morning at church (husband and me), it's a blizzard outside so we are gonna leave early. I'm worried that I can't find my daughters keys, I put her car in the garage and returned the keys to the keys spot, a week ago. My camera is missing also, my son had this same daughter hold it for him, which she denies.
I found the camera, in the AD purse after a week of looking and calling around places they were at. But the keys, I remember positively putting them back. Other items have been missing, forgetting things, the girls say I'm having dementia. I believe this.
So we are getting ready, I tell my husband about the camera and I wonder...are they trying to drive me crazy?..I said I'm gonna look in her purse, and what do I find? Right, the keys.
So I go into the room the girls sleep in and say we are going to church and by the way, I found the keys. She jumps off the floor and start running down stairs, asking me where I found them? I said in your purse. She calls me every name, horrible names, all the F words and she called me a cun$? That's the most fowl word anyone can call someone, especially their mom. I rarely ever said dam in front of my mom. I'm sobbing now, my husband remains calm, tells her to stop the F bombing. I can't live like this, the lying, stealing things, driving my sanity away. She is screaming at me, she takes my purse and dumps all the stuff out of it, I check of my son, he is curled up in a ball on his bed, he's not crying, but he's not saying anything. I tell him I love him, and I do.
I go downstairs, my husband says the girls have to go, leave the house, they are adults. They can get a job, take care of their bills, criminal court dates. I'm still crying, what's wrong with me? Why can't I just admit they are addicts, I can't fix them, they have to fix themselves. He is gonna give them a month and then they have to get out and figure their lives out, to fix themselves. Ok, I give up, but I ask him, I ask SR, who is gonna fix me? I am more than broken, I'm dying inside, I don't enjoy life any longer. I wouldn't mind dying, all the worrying would be gone, all the blame would be silenced. All the love is distorted, my life is a joke. I have nothing left if the girls leave and go back to the druggie world. My son, yes he would hurt, but they have damaged him too. What is left for me? SR I'm really scared of my thoughts and living in the same house as the girls. A month is a long time to be frightened of your children. So the boundaries are gone, the rules broken and my one day I love so much, Christmas, is ruined. I feel I am ruined.
Sorry for the depression and doom and gloom...any fresh ideas friends? Any thoughts? Any support you can hand me would, as always be greatly appreciated. TF

overit263

Your husband seems to be right, they can take care of themselves. That will give you the space to start healing yourself as well. I'm sorry that things are so hard right now, but from my experience, having the addict out of your home helps tremendously and you can start making your own life better. you will still worry of course, but having your home be your safe place again should help a lot. Big hugs to you!

Maui78

Your pain is palpable. Why a month before they leave? Why not now? The hardest thing will be the best for you and your family. Think of your son. I have been reading your posts, your situation with your daughters is ou of control. Best detach, now. No matter how hard it is. Put them in their higher powers hands. Fir you, and the rest of your family. Or you will all be totally destroyed. I'm so sorry fir what you are going throughoutgh. You can stop it, by removing them from your home. It's time Twofish. Sending you strength.

Maui78

Oh and my apologies for the typos, I responded on my phone.

EnglishGarden

I am so sorry for your suffering. It is intense and you are carrying nearly more than you can bear.

I'm not familiar with your history, others here are more familiar and can speak to you with more effectiveness.

But one thing I always say, deeply believe: the addict does not get to be the most important person in the family. And that goes for all addicts, including daughters. Whether there is one addict daughter or two....

There are other family members, with hearts and minds and bodies and they must be protected and held sacred. They come first. There are other growing children in the home, there are adults with talents and goals and hopes and dreams, there is a precious marriage to nourish, there are relationships between parents and children or between grandparents and grandchildren to be cherished, there are elderly, aging family members somewhere who are in need of love and concern, there are longtime friendships: these all are sacred.

You must be present to the people in your life. You must connect with all these others from whom the addicts rob of your caring, your appreciation, your interest. The people in our lives need us to be present. They wait, expectant, for our attention.

Your daughters do not. They do not wait. They wish only that you were out of their way. That is what an addict wants.

lizwig

I am really sorry you are struggling. I believe it is time to get your girls out of your home. They are totally messing with you and clearly have no regard for your feelings. I do think it is good your husband saw your daughter in action. Heard the awful things that came out of her mouth. He can no longer deny the extreme of this. I agree with over it above...once there is some distance it is much easier to focus on your own serenity and establish some healthy habits. Right now it seems you are often in a reactionary mode vs having the option as to when you want to engage. I wouldn't wait a month. I would move quickly and decisively and I would protect myself in the process. Big hug to you today.

YouWillBe

Your life is not a joke...it is a disaster, right now, yes...but it's precious and you are very needed in your family.

Your heart is breaking, or HAS broken and you are living a nightmare every moment that those girls are in your house.

If they were truly recovery and getting better, they would not speak to you that way. They would not disrespect you, they would not drive you crazy, they would not expect themselves to be the center of the universe. They would value YOUR physical and emotional health.

They sound extremely selfish and out of control...and not being held accountable for their own lives. Yes, they are young, but old enough to know better. They are toxic for your home, no question about it. TOXIC.

At this point, if they won't save themselves, you have to save YOURSELF. Especially since you also have a young man to save, too. HE can't leave or find a safe place on his own...that is your responsibility. I'm not trying to guilt you more than you are, but something has to give, and it's unfair to let the girls continue to destroy the peace in your home.

I read this somewhere: "It IS possible to mourn a child who's still alive." That is what's happening to you (and all of us, who's addicts continue to not get well). You are trying desperately to believe things are going to get better and that they can only get better if you let the girls stay in the family home. Your mind knows better, but your heart if fighting it tooth and nail.

Listen to your husband. I'm sure he hurts for them, too...but he's able to see what needs to be done.

Chino

You are. It is your responsibility. You call your doctor, you tell him/her the truth and you ask for help. Every moment you put that off is another moment you slip towards oblivion.

Move out, at least temporarily and take your son. Go to a hotel, family member, somewhere. But get the hell out TODAY if you're not going to kick them out TODAY.

zoso77

If someone said that to me in my home, they'd be out the door before they knew what hit 'em.

ZoSo

Upsetnneedhelp

I don't think weather they are using drugs or not is even the biggest issue. They seem like snotty little spoiled brats. Do they have boyfriends they can go live with? Which one called you the nasty names, the younger or older one? I think the term is "gas lighting" what your kids are doing. They are trying to make you crazy.

needingabreak

Twofish, If they were in my house, their butts would already be out along with their belongings. My husband would then change the locks. He'd call the police if he had to. That is called ABUSE. You need to stop this NOW. I see two options. Either you tell them they have 24 hours to leave or you leave with your son. I highly suggest number 1. This cannot continue. You need to call your doctor and tell him you have an emergency and need to get in ASAP. This is not something to put off. Your emotional we'll being is,at stake. If I was there, I'd take you myself!! Your daughters have no right to treat you this way nor do they have a right to kill your son's childhood. They are not only hurting you but they are messing up your son, their own brother. Putting this off for even a day is a mistake. Take action immediately. They do this because they know they can. You allow it. Stop the madness and kick their selfish spoiled azzes OUT. They will find a friend's couch. They want to pull this crap, be hurtful and steal, lie and cause the entire household to be unstable. It is time to face the consequences. Both you and your husband need to stand together, firm and tell them their terrorizing you is over. They have pushed you over the edge and its done. They will call you names, beg, plead whatever. Tough. Time to take back control. Have you thought of speaking to your pastor/priest? I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You are a good, caring mom and do not deserve this. Do something for you and your son. This will mess him up for life if you don't. You can at least save him Twofish. Don't allow this to continue another day. Call the police if you must. Your enabling isn't helping them.

ShootingStar1

I agree with the above. What your daughters is doing is severely abusive.

Someone mentioned gaslighting - it comes from a movie set around the turn of the century when houses had gaslights, not electric. The husband in the story had a rich wife who he wanted to get rid of. So he would secretly make his way into the attic and tamper with the gas supply. When his wife turned on the gaslights, they would flicker and be very dim. She would comment, and he said everything was normal, what was the matter with her? He eventually convinced her she was crazy; all the while it was his evil that was at play.

These are very sick women, and they want you to think that you are sick and they are normal.

Your husband is stepping up to the plate here, and you need to let him evict your daughters as soon as possible. People here have posted that this is an emergency, and it is. Your emotional health is faltering, and your son is hiding in his room curled up in a ball.

Maybe you, your husband and your son could have a quiet conversation about what you each want this Christmas to be, just with the three of you. Then pick something that each of you wants, and to it, each doing something for the other. Ignore your daughters. Do not invite them. Do not talk to them. Do not include them.

Do what you, your husband and your son need. Enjoy the day, and it will be a glimpse of the future that the three of you can have without the malicious destructive presence of these nasty women.

ShootingStar1

Dee74

Sounds abusive to me too TF - how long are you going to put up with this?

D

Twofish

Hi my friends at SR, There's so many questions...it was the younger AD who did all the yelling and name calling this morning. It was so strange, like da'ja vue, back in July (for those who followed my original thread, so sad, so worried...) it was all happening again. All the pain, fright, yelling and the hate was flooding back in to my home and mind. No, this cannot be happening again, it's only been 5 months and so many horrible life killing memories have filled this summer. She hasn't started threatening to kill herself yet, this is another manipulation she does, threaten to do something, and when she says she want to kill herself, I take that seriously. She never says "I want to die", she says she wants to kill herself...then adds that, that would make me happy." Ahh, no, that would make me very, very sad, crazy guilty sad, and she knows that i know this.She also says, everyday,there's no food in the house, not. We have a lot of food in my home. I love to cook and bake, however, she is a vegan, a vegetarian, the kind that are never happy with the food they are served. I made Shepard's Pie last night, everyone loved it, except the younger AD, that didn't go over well. I buy her meatless foods, fruit and veggies, but, now they must be organic, it's getting a little expensive and too much to cater to a child who has so much disrespect and hatred towards me. NO ONE complains about my cooking, they love it, until we are all brought down by this AD and her comments the the food was not "prepared with love"-what? I make and serve my family with love, I just don't add the toxic comments she baits me with.
I'm rambling again, I believe I do that cause I'm lonely. No one face to face to talk to, no one face to face to listen to me. I feel that some of you are asking me why I would go out in a blizzard, ice covered roads, by myself, crying cause of the name calling, just to go and greet at church? Well, it's the touch (plus love of the Lords house and the Son) the hand shaking and the hugs I crave. No one touches me except on Sunday. It's part of my loneliness, the isolation I put myself in to avoid the judgement I will be overwhelmed with if people find out about my daughters addiction. The secret I carry, the one I won't let out. Did I mention my husband refused to go to church with me cause the AD "ruined" it for him. I know I caused him some unwanted worry, but the craving for a human touch overpowered me. The hugs and Merry Christmases were very heart warming and welcoming to me. I'm a touchy, feely kind of momma and the lack of touch is indeed killing me softly inside. Gotta go. Thanks for the responses, they have strengthened me more that you or I will ever truly know. TF

EJG123

TF- I made my AD leave when I realized that I was entitled to a home where I felt safe. If my AD's actions undermined that, then she was old enough to find a home for herself somewhere else. If you have to have your d's for awhile longer, then do whatever you need to do to get through it. I promise you'll begin to heal when you have some space from them.

ejohn18

Twofish, I believe you gave me some advise when I first came to this forum...."you have to take time to heal yourself". And now I am going to give you that advise right back. You have to take care of yourself. Your daughters are grown. You have done so much for them and get nothing in return. Your responsibility now is your son, he needs you. You may not be able to fix your girls, but maybe you can prevent another one from the same situation. My prayers go out to you....please take care of yourself...God Bless.

bluebelle

Please get help for yourself. It sounds like you are reaching your bottom. I've been there, and it is awful. Use this opportunity to focus on your recovery. My life started getting better when I started doing these things for myself.

I think it's important for you and your son to get out of this environment. Once the AD's are out, you can focus on yourselves. Or, as the others said, go to a hotel. I've done it before for my sanity and so I can get some sleep.

Regarding your AD's manipulations, These are good things to discuss with a professional counselor. My addict mother is very manipulative, and I have gotten a lot of help from counselors as to how to deal with her manipulations.

hopeful4

Its time TF....they are making you miserable. You dont want this for your son and its put you in a terrible state. Get them out. You are a wonderful, warm, caring person who deserves more.

Hugs and prayers for you my friend.

allforcnm

Are you sure the people at your church would not reach out to comfort you more if they understood the situation with your daughters? There will always be those people who don't understand addiction, but you truly have nothing to be ashamed of, holding that secret and keeping it in the dark is a big burden for you to hold. Think about reaching out to your pastor at least; you need people TwoFish. You deserve to be lifted up in your time of need.

Nina Kay

Hi there Twofish. I'm so sorry to hear so much pain in you. I don't have much to share, but I can tell you what helps me so much. God led me to a recovery program called Alanon, where I meet every week with others who are going through or have gone through so much of what I have & what you are going through. It is so comforting. They understand me & I get lots of hugs & support & encouragement & they share with me face to face, what works for them. There are meetings like this all over the world & I'm sure there is one near you. I hope you will start as soon as possible & keep going no matter what. I'm sending you
(((((((((Supportive, Understanding & Comforting Hugs))))))))