This is it
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
We're glad you are OK,Twofish.
You said you hate yourself for being a failure as a Mom, and that
you are grateful for SR.......well, I've got some good news and some
bad news.....which do you want first?
(they always want the good news first......how predictable!)
OK, the good news.......ALL of us are grateful for SR.
Now the bad news......nothing comes for free,sister.
Soooooo...... what you are going to do is take all that self loathing,
you're 'gonna put it in a box (ALL of it, damn it, we're watching!)
.....and your 'gonna burn it, toss it in the trash, just get the F rid of
it.
THAT'S what we want. And it's goddamned CHRISTMAS for Christ's
sake..........are you going to refuse us a gift?!? As far as our Savior goes
------My personal opinion is that the Almighty would be plenty pissed at
one of his children (you!) being subjected to such abuse...
...uber pissed.....
Care/ Self care. That's what we want from you, Twofish.....
(you don't have to wrap it)
........and if we catch you sliding out the garage door to get one last hit
from the box of self loathing------there's 'gonna be HELL to pay! The fat
guy in the supersonic sleigh isn't the only one with a naughty/nice list!
You are NOT a failure as a Mom. We'll put you up in front of the SR class
and make you write it out (in cursive!) 2014 times if we need to...
........don't test us.
You said you hate yourself for being a failure as a Mom, and that
you are grateful for SR.......well, I've got some good news and some
bad news.....which do you want first?
(they always want the good news first......how predictable!)
OK, the good news.......ALL of us are grateful for SR.
Now the bad news......nothing comes for free,sister.
Soooooo...... what you are going to do is take all that self loathing,
you're 'gonna put it in a box (ALL of it, damn it, we're watching!)
.....and your 'gonna burn it, toss it in the trash, just get the F rid of
it.
THAT'S what we want. And it's goddamned CHRISTMAS for Christ's
sake..........are you going to refuse us a gift?!? As far as our Savior goes
------My personal opinion is that the Almighty would be plenty pissed at
one of his children (you!) being subjected to such abuse...
...uber pissed.....
Care/ Self care. That's what we want from you, Twofish.....
(you don't have to wrap it)
........and if we catch you sliding out the garage door to get one last hit
from the box of self loathing------there's 'gonna be HELL to pay! The fat
guy in the supersonic sleigh isn't the only one with a naughty/nice list!
You are NOT a failure as a Mom. We'll put you up in front of the SR class
and make you write it out (in cursive!) 2014 times if we need to...
........don't test us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear Vale, You seriously made me smile, chuckle actually, the first time in a long time.
You, and all of the family are right. This self-loathing I do ALL the time gets old and wears me down.
I will do as you suggest, just for today then one day at a time. I will gather up all these painful feelings and toss them out. I need to do this, I need to preserve my sanity and to protect my family, my son. Yes, today is Xmas, a day when addiction will be kept at bay. To stay still, to not be able to control my family, to control me. I will not cry sad tears, but maybe happy ones, for the memories that I await to happen in just a few minutes from now. Merry Christmas SR and to all the mommas out there who are struggling like I have for way too long. Have a peaceful day, addiction controlling free. TF
You, and all of the family are right. This self-loathing I do ALL the time gets old and wears me down.
I will do as you suggest, just for today then one day at a time. I will gather up all these painful feelings and toss them out. I need to do this, I need to preserve my sanity and to protect my family, my son. Yes, today is Xmas, a day when addiction will be kept at bay. To stay still, to not be able to control my family, to control me. I will not cry sad tears, but maybe happy ones, for the memories that I await to happen in just a few minutes from now. Merry Christmas SR and to all the mommas out there who are struggling like I have for way too long. Have a peaceful day, addiction controlling free. TF
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
Tf thank you for letting us know what has been going on. I was worried about you. Know what? You cannot beg or plead or buy them. You cannot make then do anything. I tried with my son as well all to no avail. They make their own decisions and have to live with them. Yes it hurts, it hurts bad to watch BUT you cannot control what they do or say. What you must do for peace of mind is tell them they have to leave. Your daughters deciding to drugs has absolutely nothing to do with YOU. They made those decisions long ago. So did my son and many others who have family here. Do you think we are all to blame? No, we are not. Until you get them out of your home, your life will be miserable. Telling them they have so much time to leave will make them responsible for their own behavior, not you. Yes they will scream, beg, call you every name in the book. How is that different than what they are doing now? You have read all the suggestions here. We have had to do this ourselves and it was very difficult but it was what helped turn some of them around. You do not see it this way but you are doing them a favor by kicking them out. They will get help sooner without the enabling. Stop the madness TF. Only YOU can change this. God bless you and I pray you can give your son some peace today. He deserves that.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
I have a great idea for you twofish. Wanna hear it? 
Don't buy them gifts! So when they both bitch because... (insert catty voices) She got more than me! and You spent more money on her! Make it equal! Don't buy them a God Damn thing!
A simple Hallmark card or go to the Dollar Store I don't care... (2 of the same so one can't say the other is more glittery) wishing them a Merry Christmas is good enough for ungrateful children who lie, thieve, and make everyone in their presence miserable. And I'd be sure to make it a point on their birthdays too! Cards only! Done. Be well kiddies.
Cutting them off like that is sure to go over like a lead balloon for them just like you going out and buying them whatever you did and them still bitching! But if I were you, I'd be sure to tell them that all you've done in the past was not good enough so a sentimental card is good enough for now on since you can't seem to get the gift giving right. Merry Christmas... Happy Birthday.
Don't buy them gifts! So when they both bitch because... (insert catty voices) She got more than me! and You spent more money on her! Make it equal! Don't buy them a God Damn thing!
A simple Hallmark card or go to the Dollar Store I don't care... (2 of the same so one can't say the other is more glittery) wishing them a Merry Christmas is good enough for ungrateful children who lie, thieve, and make everyone in their presence miserable. And I'd be sure to make it a point on their birthdays too! Cards only! Done. Be well kiddies.
Cutting them off like that is sure to go over like a lead balloon for them just like you going out and buying them whatever you did and them still bitching! But if I were you, I'd be sure to tell them that all you've done in the past was not good enough so a sentimental card is good enough for now on since you can't seem to get the gift giving right. Merry Christmas... Happy Birthday.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 98
The 19 yr old AD is refusing to come down for Xmas celebrations because there's no "good food" in the house. No vegetarian food (there is, tons of fruit and veggies) and NO organic foods.
If she continues to live in your house, she can either eat what is there or get a job and buy the expensive food that she thinks she deserves. And then she can cook it herself. It will be good practice for when she is on her own.
BTW, I laughed at your comment about a turkey being a vegetarian.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
The girls are throwing the bait--I won't get up, I won't eat, etc. you don't have to take the bait. It is their decision whether or not to eat or to take prescribed med. your daughter didn't go to take methadone? She will suffer her own consequences.
You didn't cause this, you can't cure or control it.
You didn't cause this, you can't cure or control it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
I too loved the turkey being vegetarian comment. She wants specific food she can get it herself. They sound very spoiled and I think you have gone way above and beyond for them in the past and now it is expected, not appreciated. Vale is always great for making you laugh and we sure do need some of that around here dont we? Big hugs TF.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 198
Twofish, I hope that you have a peaceful Christmas. So sorry for how your daughters are acting. I hope that they will be out of your household soon. It would do them good to experience supporting themselves and buying and preparing their own organic food and waking up for appointments on their own. You deserve decent treatment and respect and they need to realize that they can't treat someone so badly without consequences.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Merry christmas to you and your son.
your daughters need to suck it up and grow up.
WE can tell you this until we are blue in the face, but it wont stop until YOU say NO.
Pick up the pieces, stop letting them walk all over you. Being the Handwringing victim is not working.
Your daughters are selfish, self absorbed they could care less about you.
what did they buy you for christmas?
there is more drama coming until you start acting like the authority figure, not the doormat.
your daughters need to suck it up and grow up.
WE can tell you this until we are blue in the face, but it wont stop until YOU say NO.
Pick up the pieces, stop letting them walk all over you. Being the Handwringing victim is not working.
Your daughters are selfish, self absorbed they could care less about you.
what did they buy you for christmas?
there is more drama coming until you start acting like the authority figure, not the doormat.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Hello Family, What can I say, where do I start? This was the worst day/Christmas I have ever had in my life. I would of rather of had my eyeballs poked out, at least, the mental pain would of had an excuse to hurt so much! A disaster, not even that much, a total wacko mental meltdown was more like it. What's really not so unusual is that my SR family predicted it.
The ADs didn't wake up til noon. All the while my son was waiting and waiting since 6am for his sisters to get up. We begged, pleaded and bribed them. They were "tired". What a crock of $hit. My husband didn't help much. He antagonized them, teased them. The older AD refused to join us, she sat in the other room talking on Facebook. The orther AD opened her gifts, realized she didn't get a clarifyier skin cleanser, threw a fit, said she didn't want ANY of her gifts and called us some choice words and stormed up to her room. The 3 of us sat there in shock. My son is hurt, he spent his own $ to buy those gifts. The life of living with addicts. The look on my boys face, the hurt. I will never forget that look and he will never forget what was done to him just because his sister didn't get what she wanted.
I'm now finishing putting the final touches on our Turkey dinner. It's perfect and smells wonderful. My son is first in line to get some Christmas dinner. We call the 2 ADs to join us. They refuse (how so predictable!) to join us. The complaining, the entitlement the disregard for other people's feelings are so painful, so raw.
What's so obvious to me is I know the spoiled children are hurting too. They are mentally ill and going thru withdrawals from the killer opiates that keep their minds and bodies prisoners. God help these girls, help my son and help my husband. The husband is even acting up. I go to touch his arm, to comfort him to let him know that I understand, he pulls away from me. God I miss human contact.
He tells me thru tears in his eyes, that he can't even put a photo of his family, his son or even me, on his desk, for fear of the judgement others will give him. His coworkers talk of their kids and the success they are achieving. The graduations, the jobs, the new fresh lives his coworkers children are having. He feels so ashamed that we have failed at parenting, that the love we once shared is gone. Our marriage, I finally realized (these dam tears again) is in paper only. I can't even touch, yet comfort my husband of 30 yrs, any longer. I hate you addiction, my life is in shambles, I can't fix this, I can't even secure a bandaid, temporarily over this wound addiction has blown thru my family, marriage and my life.
sR you are so right, I am helpless, but I feel hopeless. I feel defeated, I feel dead.
The ADs didn't wake up til noon. All the while my son was waiting and waiting since 6am for his sisters to get up. We begged, pleaded and bribed them. They were "tired". What a crock of $hit. My husband didn't help much. He antagonized them, teased them. The older AD refused to join us, she sat in the other room talking on Facebook. The orther AD opened her gifts, realized she didn't get a clarifyier skin cleanser, threw a fit, said she didn't want ANY of her gifts and called us some choice words and stormed up to her room. The 3 of us sat there in shock. My son is hurt, he spent his own $ to buy those gifts. The life of living with addicts. The look on my boys face, the hurt. I will never forget that look and he will never forget what was done to him just because his sister didn't get what she wanted.
I'm now finishing putting the final touches on our Turkey dinner. It's perfect and smells wonderful. My son is first in line to get some Christmas dinner. We call the 2 ADs to join us. They refuse (how so predictable!) to join us. The complaining, the entitlement the disregard for other people's feelings are so painful, so raw.
What's so obvious to me is I know the spoiled children are hurting too. They are mentally ill and going thru withdrawals from the killer opiates that keep their minds and bodies prisoners. God help these girls, help my son and help my husband. The husband is even acting up. I go to touch his arm, to comfort him to let him know that I understand, he pulls away from me. God I miss human contact.
He tells me thru tears in his eyes, that he can't even put a photo of his family, his son or even me, on his desk, for fear of the judgement others will give him. His coworkers talk of their kids and the success they are achieving. The graduations, the jobs, the new fresh lives his coworkers children are having. He feels so ashamed that we have failed at parenting, that the love we once shared is gone. Our marriage, I finally realized (these dam tears again) is in paper only. I can't even touch, yet comfort my husband of 30 yrs, any longer. I hate you addiction, my life is in shambles, I can't fix this, I can't even secure a bandaid, temporarily over this wound addiction has blown thru my family, marriage and my life.
sR you are so right, I am helpless, but I feel hopeless. I feel defeated, I feel dead.
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
Dearest Twofish, I am so sorry and saddened to hear all that you are going through and how horribly it has all affected you and your entire family. I just wanted to say that I can truly understand how you feel. I only had to go through this with one child though, not two. It really does take the biggest devastating toll on everyone involved. My poor daughter that really loves her brother so much and has been hurt so badly in too many ways to express. And my husband and I are also only really married on paper, but we have all just started to see some small signs of healing. Nothing really significant yet. We've gone through this for 19 yrs. with my beautiful precious son. It is way more than just heartbreaking, as I can see that you know.
But please listen to everyone here and share it with your husband, that it has nothing to do with your parenting skills. I've met many people that are going through this with their children from all walks of life and no matter how hard they've worked to raise their children right, if someone is going to use drugs, they are just going to use drugs and it has nothing at all to do with you. It will never make sense, no matter how hard you try to figure it all out. We learn in recovery programs something called the 3 Cs: You didn't cause it, You can't control it and You can't cure it. It is all up to the addict & their God. It's their choice, their decision and only they can make it. It's horrifying when it's your child. Please consider finding a support group. It will be the best thing that you ever did for your family. I go to Alanon because there are no Naranon groups around here. I look forward to going to a meeting every week. I'm with others who understand what I'm going through because they've been there and done that, just like the ones of us here at SR. You may even be lucky enough to find a meeting that also has an Alateen group for your young son. Please get the help and support you need. Coming here is alot of that help and support for sure, if you keep coming back here often, but you can add the meetings for face to face personal support that is so needed. Just some things to think about. I'm so sorry that you and your family are hurting so badly, but it is what it is, for all of us. ((((((((((((Supportive & Understanding Hugs)))))))))))
But please listen to everyone here and share it with your husband, that it has nothing to do with your parenting skills. I've met many people that are going through this with their children from all walks of life and no matter how hard they've worked to raise their children right, if someone is going to use drugs, they are just going to use drugs and it has nothing at all to do with you. It will never make sense, no matter how hard you try to figure it all out. We learn in recovery programs something called the 3 Cs: You didn't cause it, You can't control it and You can't cure it. It is all up to the addict & their God. It's their choice, their decision and only they can make it. It's horrifying when it's your child. Please consider finding a support group. It will be the best thing that you ever did for your family. I go to Alanon because there are no Naranon groups around here. I look forward to going to a meeting every week. I'm with others who understand what I'm going through because they've been there and done that, just like the ones of us here at SR. You may even be lucky enough to find a meeting that also has an Alateen group for your young son. Please get the help and support you need. Coming here is alot of that help and support for sure, if you keep coming back here often, but you can add the meetings for face to face personal support that is so needed. Just some things to think about. I'm so sorry that you and your family are hurting so badly, but it is what it is, for all of us. ((((((((((((Supportive & Understanding Hugs)))))))))))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
No long-winded crap I am so famous for......just a virtual friend,one of many,
to sit by your side and acknowledge your pain.
( Vale with his mouth shut........'betcha a million bucks NOONE predicted THAT
out of left field/wild card for 2013!!!)
to sit by your side and acknowledge your pain.
( Vale with his mouth shut........'betcha a million bucks NOONE predicted THAT
out of left field/wild card for 2013!!!)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
I'm off to the Methadone Clinic with a very w/ding daughter. I can see her pain in her face. She doesn't look like my oldest girl, but she is. She is down to 89#s, this scares me. I don't want her to die. She's a fighter but not strong enough against that killer addiction. I fear who is gonna win, I fear, fear itself. The unknown, what will happen in the next minute. Yes, I will remember, one day at a time. Talk to you soon,....TF
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
TF
I'm sorry that Christmas was so miserable.
Do you know why your daughters do what they do? Why any addict does what they do?
Because it works.
Fear. Damn.....I lived in a state of fear for most of my life. That was a miserable existence. It took me a long time to lose my fear.....but it still creeps in from time to time and I'm reminded of how absolutely awful it feels.
There is nothing that tears a mothers heart out like the fear that "if I don't do (insert whatever).....my child will die." Let's face it.....that's the real fear. We hold on so tightly because we fear if we don't, we'll lose them.....they will die. Can that happen? Sure. But sometimes we are holding them so tightly that we're squeezing the life right out of them.
Unconditional love without boundaries is not love. Unconditional love does not mean that we have to unconditionally accept unacceptable behavior. It is possible to say what I mean, mean what I say, and not say it mean. It is possible to walk away from bad behavior.
Personally....I can't live with active addiction. It flips a switch on in me that is worse than death.......that is one of my boundaries. What are your boundaries? There was a point in time when I had none.....zero.....
I will be forever grateful to my son and his addiction. It was because of his addiction that I learned the importance of personal boundaries......and I became a physically, mentally, psychologically, and spiritually stronger person.
When you decide that enough is enough......you'll have the courage to change.......it's very hard......but it's worth it.
gentle hugs
ke
I'm sorry that Christmas was so miserable.
Do you know why your daughters do what they do? Why any addict does what they do?
Because it works.
Fear. Damn.....I lived in a state of fear for most of my life. That was a miserable existence. It took me a long time to lose my fear.....but it still creeps in from time to time and I'm reminded of how absolutely awful it feels.
There is nothing that tears a mothers heart out like the fear that "if I don't do (insert whatever).....my child will die." Let's face it.....that's the real fear. We hold on so tightly because we fear if we don't, we'll lose them.....they will die. Can that happen? Sure. But sometimes we are holding them so tightly that we're squeezing the life right out of them.
Unconditional love without boundaries is not love. Unconditional love does not mean that we have to unconditionally accept unacceptable behavior. It is possible to say what I mean, mean what I say, and not say it mean. It is possible to walk away from bad behavior.
Personally....I can't live with active addiction. It flips a switch on in me that is worse than death.......that is one of my boundaries. What are your boundaries? There was a point in time when I had none.....zero.....
I will be forever grateful to my son and his addiction. It was because of his addiction that I learned the importance of personal boundaries......and I became a physically, mentally, psychologically, and spiritually stronger person.
When you decide that enough is enough......you'll have the courage to change.......it's very hard......but it's worth it.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Oh, twofish, I'm speechless! I think this might be the first time I'm at a total loss for words! I feel your pain, sweetheart! So so sorry your Christmas was ruined! I know how much this day meant to you.
Please stop saying that your girls' addiction was a result of bad parenting. That is NOT true at all! If anything you were/are such a kind, caring, selfless, in-tuned mother. You gave yourself 100% to your family. How much BETTER of a mother could you have been?
No, I do not believe for one second your daughters' addiction was a result of bad parenting! No Way!
But, please listen to these people in the F&F side. When they tell you to put up boundaries and let your daughter's grow-up and take care of themselves. These folks have been through this before. They have many years experience dealing with their addict. They know what needs to be done. They know how to protect their sanity. Please don't be stubborn and listen to them, ok? I know it's hard to do this. I know you love your daughter's. Do this for you, your son and your daughters!
You are a woman of faith right? Believe and trust that God will take care of them. Put them in God's hands now. You can not save them but He Can.
Please take care of yourself and your DS. He needs his mom. He's still young. Anyway, sending you hugs and prayers twofish!
Please stop saying that your girls' addiction was a result of bad parenting. That is NOT true at all! If anything you were/are such a kind, caring, selfless, in-tuned mother. You gave yourself 100% to your family. How much BETTER of a mother could you have been?
No, I do not believe for one second your daughters' addiction was a result of bad parenting! No Way!
But, please listen to these people in the F&F side. When they tell you to put up boundaries and let your daughter's grow-up and take care of themselves. These folks have been through this before. They have many years experience dealing with their addict. They know what needs to be done. They know how to protect their sanity. Please don't be stubborn and listen to them, ok? I know it's hard to do this. I know you love your daughter's. Do this for you, your son and your daughters!
You are a woman of faith right? Believe and trust that God will take care of them. Put them in God's hands now. You can not save them but He Can.
Please take care of yourself and your DS. He needs his mom. He's still young. Anyway, sending you hugs and prayers twofish!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
I just want to add that all those years your were raising your daughters are NOT in vain! Just because they are acting out in a big way right now does not mean later they won't refer to all those lessons you taught them. They will remember all those times you gave selflessly as their Mom. If and when they become mothers of their own children they will realize how they behaved with you. Hopefully, they will realize before that time, but sometimes it takes having your own children to understand.
Do not think for a second that what you have done for them is forgotten. This is a little blip in time in their long life. They need to learn and grow, make their own choices and suffer their own consequences if they choose the wrong ones. Sometimes we have to nudge them out from the nest so they can learn to soar!
Do not think for a second that what you have done for them is forgotten. This is a little blip in time in their long life. They need to learn and grow, make their own choices and suffer their own consequences if they choose the wrong ones. Sometimes we have to nudge them out from the nest so they can learn to soar!
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