Vale

Shame on you, you miserable brats! How DARE you treat your
Mother like this! You are without honor. Did it ever occur to you
to make her PROUD of you?

You will never climb in life with this inoperative life strategy.
You are only maintaining altitude because of HER. I doubt you
could manage anything other than FREEFALL without her.

But I am not without a smile on my face.......for I know
what awaits you in the world when she isn't there for you
any more, cooking organic vegetables according to your whim.

There is such a thing as Karma. It brings a smile to my face
and should bring a grimace of horror to yours.......

SHAME ON YOU FOR TREATING YOUR MOTHER THAT WAY!!!!!!!!!!!
=========================================
You are 100% in the right here,Twofish.....and don't you EVER
forget that......no matter how much of this amateurish half-assed
gaslighting CRAP they pull on you.

You deserve so much better. Believe it.

(I dunno if I've ever wrote a 'pissed-post' on SR before.....but it
is called for here)

Fandy

I agree with the above post wholeheartedly.
they STEAL from you daily, credit cards, shoes, gas for their cars, your peace of mind, now keys and a camera? "Organic vegetables", oh puleeze, honey go dig up some dirt and grow your own. You can fertilize them yourself because without your mama you can't afford a roll of toilet tissue.
Karma is coming.
tf, hasten it along and tell them to get out now.
I noticed you say that you fear they will relapse. They don't care about themselves, nor do they have self-respect.
Your son is suffering in this war zone, what garbage he is witnessing.
I think that if you do not take back your power and control it is going to be much worse.
I shudder to think where you will be in 6 months if you don't shut the door now. Because in reading your postings it is escalating. If you have a stroke from your htn who will help your son? Not his self absorbed sisters
it stops when YOU say so. No fanfare, just a large garbage bag for clothes and turn off the expensive phones you are paying for. You can pay for the clinic directly, but this is blatent abuse by your daughters.

Tinks65

((Twofish)) I'm so sorry for your pain, your burdens are so very heavy. Just think for a moment if you took your own thread and put one of our names on it. What would your advice to one of us be? There is no doubt you love your addict daughters. We all know that love is not the answer to addiction. In fact; it is our love that far too often keeps us and them trapped.

Maybe you need to change the way you are looking at this. I heard a sad story from a girlfriend about her uncle who was an alcoholic. His mom (her grandmother) enabled him for 30 years. No one else in the family would speak with him. One day grandma passed away and within weeks the alcoholic was on the street. He called out to everyone but no one came ... he got sober. My heart breaks to think of his poor mom who lived within the shadow of his addiction heartbroken, ever hopeful but ultimately enabling him, keeping him trapped by providing a soft place for his addiction to thrive.

I put my AS on the street while he was in active addiction. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I drove him to a shelter and left him there (he was 25). I cried all the way home. I was only truly able to do this because I was not putting him out totally alone. I believed with all that I am that I was putting him in the hands of God. Many times I've wanted to snatch him back, to take him in and try to help but I know this is foolish. Having a safe, addict free home is what enables me to think clearly, to pray, to rest and heal from the awful consequences of loving a child caught in the grips of addiction.

What you are doing is clearly not working for any of you. They are not children, they are adults and there are resources for them if you put them out. Resources that they can choose to utilize or not. I want you to picture what your home could be like without active addiction in the midst of it. You may find it can be a place of healing and serenity. A place where you can draw strength and wisdom for the times you will need to help (not enable) your dear daughters. Putting them out is not abandoning them. It is very often the very first step at learning how to truly help them.

my prayers are with you Twofish! I also agree with allforcnm, reach out to your church. You never know, there may be someone there who has walked this road too. I have a very loving church family, many of whom continue to keep me and my family in prayer as we walk this painful road.

help4hubby

TF, I am so so sorry you are going through this right now! You certainly don't deserve this kind of treatment! I wish you lived closer to me, I'd tell you to come over to my house and kick back and enjoy the holiday! Something that my mom says when my sister acts unappreciative or bratty (which she is currently doing right now). My mom says "well if what I'm doing isn't appreciated I can always do less!" I think this is a really good idea. If your girls can't see or appreciate what you've done for them then maybe it's time to cut back bc it is definitely taking a toll on you. I believe someone else commented that your pain was palpable and I totally agree. I could feel how hurt you were in your post. It's so sad to hear someone who is trying so hard to help others be in so much pain. I'm certainly no expert and I'm not a parent but I think it may be beneficial for all of you to get some space and for your girls to fend for themselves. I wish you the best of luck. We are all here for you at SR!

-H4H

nytepassion

I am sorry you are being treated this way. When I was active in my addiction I spewed vile words at my mom. I was totally out of control. I viewed her as weak a martyr. I vomited out all my self hated all over her. For years she took it. For years I gave it.

I use to call her and rage verbal abuse at her. Until one day she just hung up. I called back and she did not pick up like she use to. I called repetitively and she just let it ring. She began to do this every time I started running my mouth. I finally got the message that if I wanted to talk to my mom I needed to talk respectfully. She never said that to me, but her action taught me.

One time I wanted to come stay at her house for the weekend and look for a place to live in the area, but she didn't even want to let me stay at her home while she was at work. I realized that I had alienated my own mom.. who I knew loved me with all her heart. I thought to myself I must be a really messed up person for my mom to not trust me in her home alone. I knew that it was because of what I had become.

It was one of the slaps I needed because it woke me up inside. I am so grateful for those slaps because without them I would not have woke up to the fact that I had a problem.

I use to be able to walk all over my mom, but she found respect for herself and put a stop to it. Which in turn gave me respect for her.

Please listen to me ... You are not ruined, you are not crazy. ... they are addicts and they are out of control.

The downward spiral is a vortex and anyone close will get sucked in if they are not strong enough to stand their own ground and say NO! You don't have to go down with them ... but in order not to you hqve to Let Go...

Let go and trust them to God. My mama had to let go of me and she trusted the Lord to bring me back to her. I arrived at rock bottom by a prayer to an awesome God and on the wings of an angel I call mother.

I honestly don't believe had it not been for my mom taking a stand and saying with her actions that I would either treat her with respect or nothing at all... I don't think I would have awakened to what I had become. I love my mom so much for having the strength to stand up to my addiction. It took a lot for ber to do that, but it was what she needed to do for her and in turn what I needed.

I would appeal to your husband to rethink the month time line and give them 3 days with good behavior, but with the knowledge of immediate removal for bad behavior.

The more you give the more they will take and what you won't give will be taken too. All will be against your will, but not without your permission to do so. They can only do what you will allow. Stop being a victim to their addiction, find firm ground and stand on it.

My mom became my best friend. God knew just what I needed when he chose her to be my mom and I love her with all my heart. I lost her October 11th of this year and I miss her terribly ...along with the tears comes a smile because part of her legacy is me being clean and sober. She played a huge role in the wake up call on my life and I am and will be forever grateful.

Be strong and lean on the rock that is higher.

I will be praying for you.

HUGS,
Passion

In memory of my Mama
Melinda Katherine Butler
2-22-1919 - 10-16-2013

Her online memorial link
Melinda Katherine Cranfill Butler (1919 - 2013) - Find A Grave Memorial

YouWillBe

I agree with taking a good friend at church or Pastor into your confidence and unburden your heart to them. I fought this so hard for years - we thought that we were helping our daughter, keeping her from shame and having a harder row to hoe when she decided to get clean. What we really did was allow her to keep going deeper and deeper in her addiction without worry of being held accountable to anyone else. It hurt her, but it, ultimately, hurt us worse. Keeping in something this awful is so incredibly stressful.

I remember the day I blurted out to a friend at church and the support, tears, prayers, caring, and loving actions that followed were exactly what my wounded heart needed. We were able to organize a special prayer meeting with the Pastor and Elders and dedicate her recovery to God...handing over all that we'd been trying to do by ourselves. The release was enormous, and the lifting from our heart the heavy load of secrecy helped us have more room for the Peace to come in.

We are not meant to live in a vacuum. And you never know who is struggling as you are with this exact thing and could have some wisdom you need to hear. It's amazing how freeing sharing can be.

BoxinRotz

Oh my. I am so heart broken that you feel you wish to die. You see, that's what addiction comes down to. It literally snuffs us out if we don't let go. You have been such a good mother to these two ADs of yours. But your love twofish will not save them. You keeping them comfortable will not save them. You keeping them fed will not save them.

You have nothing to do with saving them dear twofish. That is up to them individually. And why should they try? They have shelter because of mom. They are kept warm and comfortable because of mom. They have full bellies because of mom. But they spew venomous hatred and bite the hand that feeds them. When shall you pull your hand away from the vicious dog that continually bites and stop trying to pet it? You will never heal as long as you keep using thy hand as a chew toy.

Txhelp

I totally understand like sooooo many here! I am truly sorry for your heartbreak as it doesn't come easy for the mothers here.

When the pain of them staying outweighs the pain of them going....it's time.

They are not flourishing....maybe not even maintaining their sobriety. They need to do this on their own and find their way. It may be harsh very harsh...a mothers worse fear. We cannot control a darn thing... even in our own home.

Let them go and find their way. You will begin healing once they are gone....

needingabreak

Twofish how are you doing? Your post really has me worried? Can you let us know you are ok?

FeelingGreat

Hi Twofish - if you are feeling so low, this is out of control and must end. Your husband doesn't sound much help, but if he is determined to have them out of the house please don't stop the process or he'll not try you again and I wouldn't blame him.
It's a sad rule that the more you give some people the more they take and the less grateful they become.
You've said in previous posts that you are striving to keep your family together, but all families go their own way in the end. As parents our best sign of success is that our children go out into the world as independent, well adjusted adults, and we wave them good-bye with a smile on our face and maybe a little tear. Are you so fixated on keeping everyone together that you're denying your daughters the dignity of making their own way in the world?
Their behaviour is such that no other adult would put up with it, but if you don't give them that feedback they are never going to mature. Would someone they were sharing a house with put up with them? Never! they would be out on their ears. Added to that, your son is obviously suffering.
Are you afraid to tell your daughters to leave? If so, who would back you up? Can you call a domestic violence helpline and talk to them. DV includes verbal abuse, and you are more than eligible for their help. Once you've discussed with someone who is expert in the area of abuse, maybe you can sit down with your husband and agree on a plan.
Please take action. We are all worried about you.

Kat60

Oh TwoFish....

I am so so sorry for your angst.

It troubles me so much that this situation is making you literally question your life's worth...

You are VERY worthy of your life, and your son still needs you very much!!!

No matter how hard it is to admit and to put into action, it is time your girls find their own way and it is time that you prioritize your sanity and your boys well being over their dis-functions and addictions.

They have both been through recovery programs and have all the tools they need...they just are CHOOSING not to use them....

But be very clear that they are USING you! And I would bet on my life they are using again too...

I feel your pain and I know how much you hurt, but you cannot Love them in to being well.

You are likely preventing them from being their best selves by allowing them to trample all over you... Turn them loose so they can live the results of their decisions.

Let go...and let God take care. You have done all you can do.

Now set some boundaries for yourself and stand strong against this beast. It's the best thing you can do for them, for you, and for your son.

Are you getting any counseling for you and your son??? Please DO!!!!!

And yes, they are abusing you! This is abuse and should be dealt with as such. As hard as it is, they need to be removed from your home as soon as possible!

I pray for you daily and hope that you find the strength to pursue your own health and fight for your boy...

You cannot do any more for your girls than you have already done....Other than to let go...

Big ((((hugs))))

Kat

Vale

Hey Twofish! Let us know you are OK. If you are truly
feeling your life isn't worth living-----YOU ARE WRONG.

Your insights and shared feelings bring value to this resource
and don't you DARE believe that they don't. To be perfectly
blunt----we don't care about the minutia involving those hurting
you.

They have no right to hurt you, nor any basis to be anything but grateful
to you. Our chances of getting THEM to see that is poor to nil........but,as I
said WE DON'T CARE about them.

YOU have value.....and the right to be happy.

My most vicious and hurtful thoughts and intentions are reserved for ANYONE
who thinks you do not.

Hawkeye13

Hi twofish;
I am thinking of you and hoping you find some peace.
Please know we care about you.

bigsombrero

I'm an alcoholic, and I often see many newcomers in pain come to SR. There's one question that recovering alcoholics almost always ask to these newcomers: "What's your plan?" These are good people, smart people, honest people who want the pain to stop. But without a PLAN, all those hopes and dreams don't mean much. Making a plan that includes therapy, support, and change gives alcoholics a much better chance of getting sober and attaining happiness. I'm not too familiar with what it's like to be an F&F, but it might be worth a shot to ask you the same question that I was asked almost 2 years ago:

So, Twofish...what's your plan?

Kindeyes

We admitted that we were powerless over the addict--that our lives had become unmanageable.

That's Step One. It's one little step toward gaining control of your life again.

My home is my Serenity Zone. Trying to control an active addict living in my home is simply not possible......it disrupts the one place I should feel safe, secure, and happy. But I also understand the unbridled fear that you are feeling....the shame.....the worry......the guilt.....and the pressure to do "the right thing". I understand the concern of being judged by people who have strong opinions on what you should do.

But we are not unlike the addict. When you get between an addict and their drug of choice...you become the enemy. Our addicted children ARE our drug of choice. Is that twisted? Yes.....it is.

It takes a lot of courage to change ourselves and I couldn't do it alone. Bigsombrero is right....a plan is important.....for you. Others are right too......a plan can't be well executed in a vacuum.

Remember the line....."never let them see you sweat". That's very important when dealing with active addiction. As soon as they see a ***** in the armor, they'll go for it. Every time you let your daughters see the hurt look on your face, you yell back, etc., they know they've "got you" where they need you to be in order for their addiction to thrive. Never let them see you sweat.

Get help. Yes...your church. Your pastor. A therapist. Nar-Anon. Your physician. All of the above. Anything......but start taking care of you TODAY.

Right now.....the inmates are running the prison and you're trapped in there with them.

Much love and gentle hugs
ke

ShootingStar1

Hey, Twofish, thinking of you often these last couple days. You have my prayers, hope, best wishes, and we here at SoberRecovery have your back.

We care.

ShootingStar1

Stucco

Wishing you the best, TF! You have gotten many great responses and I hope you have found something useful in them.

You may be expecting too much from Christmas. It appears that your daughters are using it as a bludgeon to hurt you. Let go of your expectations of having that warm, family Christmas for this year. Do something special with your son - a movie, volunteer at a shelter, go for a drive and look at Christmas lights. Include your husband if he is in the mood for it. But make sure that your son has something special this year.

Expect that your daughters will try to create drama. Buy yourself some earplugs. Or an Ipod shuffle and listen to some circus music while watching them perform. Expect that their behavior will get more extreme as they try to hijack all of the attention in the room. When that happens, take your son and leave the building (Elvis has left the building). Every time they misbehave, just walk away. Eventually, they will get the message. Eventually, you will have the warm, family Christmas you are looking for. But don't expect it this year.

How is your older daughter's recovery from the accident going? Is she healed enough to take care of herself? You could kick your younger daughter out now and your older daughter out later when she is healed enough. I know it is hard to kick daughters out. We worry about their safety. But if they do not modify their behavior, you need to do it for your sake and your son's sake.

Twofish

Hello Dear SR, I am sorry that I have taken so long to get back to you, every time I start a post, another disaster happens, the tears start, the name calling continues, then I feel like I hate myself for being such a failure as a mom that I can't bear to post.
I'm ready now to explain and try not to be so negative.
It started this morning. We needed to be at the Methadone Clinic at around 6am to dose. Then off to the emergency dentist. Well, she refused to get up, too tired. I told her if you get no Methadone today plus they are closed on Xmas (that would be 2 days without Methadone or Heroin) and she wouldn't be able to get the Methadone until the 12/26, right in the middle of active withdrawal, and to sit still, no comfort and have a root canal on Thursday, all because she's too tired to "get up"? OMG, I begged her, my husband pleaded with her to get up, she can sleep in the car on the way to the clinic, all she said was get the he!! outta her room and let her sleep. We gently closed the door, my husband said that she is making her bed, let her lay in it. It's now 5:30am. So I go and cry more like mourn her and the pain she will be suffering and wait til 7:30am when she has to see the emergency dentist to start fixing her teeth from the accident. Well, 7:30 comes around, same story. Too tired. That's it. Get your a$$ outta bed and in the car. I am charged for any and all appt. she misses. She gets up, pi$$ing and moaning all the time. I try in vain not to cry, what's wrong with me? Why do I cry so much?
So we get to the Endodontic office, he looks at all the broken and chipped teeth. I'm such a basket case, why my daughter, why? I know, drugs, but with her mouth, I feel so guilty, my parenting skills were off? Why did she turn to drugs?
I'm dreading tomorrow morning. She says, well she will just take 3-4 times the amount of Oxycodone to ward off the w/ds. I don't think so. I promised the Dr. I would be responsible for the narcotics and their doses, so nooooo, I will not do this.
The 19 yr old AD is refusing to come down for Xmas celebrations because there's no "good food" in the house. No vegetarian food (there is, tons of fruit and veggies) and NO organic foods. OMG, we are having turkey, isn't a turkey a vegetarian? They only eat grains and seeds I think.
Then we are wrapping gifts and the two ADs are yelling that it's not fair that one girl got more than the other girl, or one girl was spent a few bucks more on than the other, sooo stupid, Xmas is NOT about gifts, it's about a saviors birth. I am crying, again and I am going crazy.
I know in a few short hours when I awake, the Xmas celebration will be ruined. There will be two people sitting by the tree, my son and myself. The others will be mentally ill or going thru w/ds. My husband will be fighting with the girls, get mad and stomp off out of frustration.
The gift of peace would be the greatest Xmas present anyone could ever give me. That won't happen tomorrow unfortunately. So my boy and I will sit close, I will tell him I love him, maybe talk about addiction and show him how it killed this day or maybe not. Gonna take each minute as it comes. Except this year they don't have the flu, they are sick with addiction or mental illness. I'm sorry, dear SR, you are such a blessing and a most wanted and needed a friend could have and I appreciate each and everyone of you. I also would love to wish you a Merry Christmas, I will close my eyes and be with you, and be happy for you. Thank you for the ear to listen to me. You are my rock, my safe place I can go and talk freely and not be judged, I can cry and not feel ashamed, BTW why do I cry sooo much, I can't stop the tears, the sobs, like right now, why, crying hurts my mind. I must stop this.
Merry Christmas SR.

miap

Haapy holiday

anotherfool

Big hugs TF. That is some insane bs to deal with.

Maybe you could grab your boy, and go get a hotel? Give yourself the gift of a peaceful Christmas Day?

Just a random thought.