My brain knows, my heart doesn't believe it
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 1
My brain knows, my heart doesn't believe it
(I hope I'm posting in the right place - I'm new and it's my first post!)
Is he an addict?
I don't even know why I'm asking this because I already know the answer is yes. but my codependent mind plays tricks on me. It makes me think "hey, maybe his addictions aren't that bad, maybe I can live with them. Maybe he's NOT an addict."
I dated a recovering alcoholic for three years. He was in AA at the time, working his program daily. I didn't know anything about addiction then so I stuck around when he stopped going to AA and started drinking again. Things got unbelievably bad. He hit me, he lost his job, etc. You name it, it happened. I finally left him.
A year later, I met another recovering alcoholic. Except he wasn't in AA. He had quit drinking on his own, no support, still hanging out with addict friends, etc. He had at that point not had a drink for 5 months. He told me stories about his drinking days and he is undoubtedly an alcoholic. But he seemed so strong in his will to not drink anymore so I ignored my instincts and decided to give it a go.
We were together for months before I realized the extent of his pot habit.
He never hid the fact that he'd smoke pot from me. But I thought it was recreational, like once in a while, to relax. What he hide was the extent to which he smoked. But it slowly became clear he was smoking at the very least several times a week, probably every day.
I'd wake up in the middle of the night to find him smoking by himself. I discovered he'd carry an inhaler filled with weed so he could take a puff in public when we'd go out. I'd come over and find towels lying near the door and he'd later tell me it was to keep the smoke from going out of his apartment into his hallway.
He constantly sent me articles about the health benefits of pot and how governments around the world will be legalizing it soon. He even suggested I do some to help me relax. He would tell me over and over and over how it's not addictive. And I believed him. i told myself, ok, it's like me having a glass of wine after a long day at work to unwind.
I soon realized he was the "go to" guy for pot because everybody except me seemed to know how much of it he does.
Then one day he told me how I need to know the "real him" and how he feels like he's hidden the real him from me and doesn't want to hide anymore and needs to see if I can really love him for him. That scared me because I didn't know what he meant. I asked for an example. He told me that I have no idea how often he's high. That so many times when we've been together he's been high - that before we go out to dinner he'll secretly smoke in the bathroom, or have his inhaler filled with weed, that the night we met he was high, that during the birthday party he threw for me he was high. He said he knows I wouldn't like it because I had been with an addict before and was traumatized by it. He said he spent months hiding it but now doesn't want to hide it anymore.
He said he will "never" give up pot because it's healthy for him. HE SAYS POT IS GOOD FOR HIM BECAUSE IT HELPS HIM NOT DRINK. Pot helps give him a healthy appetite. Pot helps him feel less shy and socialize well. And he went on and on about how it's a healthy substance, how it decreases cancer risk and increases blood flow, etc and I shouldn't be bias against it. "research it, it's good for you!" he said.
It really hurt me because he said most of the time we had been together he had been high. And I look back and obsessively try to figure out when he was high and when he wasn't and all those wonderful happy times we had, had he been blitzed out during all of them? I remember the lovely dinner he cooked for me on his balcony. It was a lovely night. Why did he feel the need to secretly smoke up before that- we weren't having guests, there was nothing to be anxious about, it was just a regular night. It was a regular happy night, why did he have to be on something? I don't understand. It hurts me so much. We were so happy - why did he have to numb himself even then? Did I ever really know him if most of the time together he was on something?
We broke up after that - everybody tells me its for the best, that this man is an addict.
But then there's a part of me that thinks maybe he's right. What if pot is just a benign substance. What if I'm over reacting. What if he's not an addict and I'm freaking out for no reason. what if pot really is healthy and I should start doing it? Maybe I should just be more supportive. This is where my mind goes and I can't stop it. Why do I think like this?
Can pot be an addiction?????
After we broke up, he went out and had a crazy drinking binge, - passed out in public, fell on his face, etc. Bad stuff. And yet, I still think, hey, maybe it was a one time thing, maybe he's not an alcoholic.
It's all so ****** up in my head. It's like my head knows I shouldn't be in a relationship with this man. But my heart doesn't believe it because I can only remember the happy times. Will this ever get clearer?
I'm in so much pain and don't know what to do.
Is he an addict?
I don't even know why I'm asking this because I already know the answer is yes. but my codependent mind plays tricks on me. It makes me think "hey, maybe his addictions aren't that bad, maybe I can live with them. Maybe he's NOT an addict."
I dated a recovering alcoholic for three years. He was in AA at the time, working his program daily. I didn't know anything about addiction then so I stuck around when he stopped going to AA and started drinking again. Things got unbelievably bad. He hit me, he lost his job, etc. You name it, it happened. I finally left him.
A year later, I met another recovering alcoholic. Except he wasn't in AA. He had quit drinking on his own, no support, still hanging out with addict friends, etc. He had at that point not had a drink for 5 months. He told me stories about his drinking days and he is undoubtedly an alcoholic. But he seemed so strong in his will to not drink anymore so I ignored my instincts and decided to give it a go.
We were together for months before I realized the extent of his pot habit.
He never hid the fact that he'd smoke pot from me. But I thought it was recreational, like once in a while, to relax. What he hide was the extent to which he smoked. But it slowly became clear he was smoking at the very least several times a week, probably every day.
I'd wake up in the middle of the night to find him smoking by himself. I discovered he'd carry an inhaler filled with weed so he could take a puff in public when we'd go out. I'd come over and find towels lying near the door and he'd later tell me it was to keep the smoke from going out of his apartment into his hallway.
He constantly sent me articles about the health benefits of pot and how governments around the world will be legalizing it soon. He even suggested I do some to help me relax. He would tell me over and over and over how it's not addictive. And I believed him. i told myself, ok, it's like me having a glass of wine after a long day at work to unwind.
I soon realized he was the "go to" guy for pot because everybody except me seemed to know how much of it he does.
Then one day he told me how I need to know the "real him" and how he feels like he's hidden the real him from me and doesn't want to hide anymore and needs to see if I can really love him for him. That scared me because I didn't know what he meant. I asked for an example. He told me that I have no idea how often he's high. That so many times when we've been together he's been high - that before we go out to dinner he'll secretly smoke in the bathroom, or have his inhaler filled with weed, that the night we met he was high, that during the birthday party he threw for me he was high. He said he knows I wouldn't like it because I had been with an addict before and was traumatized by it. He said he spent months hiding it but now doesn't want to hide it anymore.
He said he will "never" give up pot because it's healthy for him. HE SAYS POT IS GOOD FOR HIM BECAUSE IT HELPS HIM NOT DRINK. Pot helps give him a healthy appetite. Pot helps him feel less shy and socialize well. And he went on and on about how it's a healthy substance, how it decreases cancer risk and increases blood flow, etc and I shouldn't be bias against it. "research it, it's good for you!" he said.
It really hurt me because he said most of the time we had been together he had been high. And I look back and obsessively try to figure out when he was high and when he wasn't and all those wonderful happy times we had, had he been blitzed out during all of them? I remember the lovely dinner he cooked for me on his balcony. It was a lovely night. Why did he feel the need to secretly smoke up before that- we weren't having guests, there was nothing to be anxious about, it was just a regular night. It was a regular happy night, why did he have to be on something? I don't understand. It hurts me so much. We were so happy - why did he have to numb himself even then? Did I ever really know him if most of the time together he was on something?
We broke up after that - everybody tells me its for the best, that this man is an addict.
But then there's a part of me that thinks maybe he's right. What if pot is just a benign substance. What if I'm over reacting. What if he's not an addict and I'm freaking out for no reason. what if pot really is healthy and I should start doing it? Maybe I should just be more supportive. This is where my mind goes and I can't stop it. Why do I think like this?
Can pot be an addiction?????
After we broke up, he went out and had a crazy drinking binge, - passed out in public, fell on his face, etc. Bad stuff. And yet, I still think, hey, maybe it was a one time thing, maybe he's not an alcoholic.
It's all so ****** up in my head. It's like my head knows I shouldn't be in a relationship with this man. But my heart doesn't believe it because I can only remember the happy times. Will this ever get clearer?
I'm in so much pain and don't know what to do.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
You are among friends here who understand completely.
Please avail yourself of the 'stickies' above. There is a lot of
condensed wisdom there.
The only thing you WON'T find here is indifference to what you
are going through.
Please avail yourself of the 'stickies' above. There is a lot of
condensed wisdom there.
The only thing you WON'T find here is indifference to what you
are going through.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
I am sorry for what you are going through but you have come to a warm loving caring place full of wonderful supportive people. The stickies above will help you out but I have to ask, what is about him you think you wlil miss? What is it that makes you question your gut instincts?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
If he was high all the time he was with you, it was not real, he did not feel connection, he did not experience love, he did not get to know you, he was not there. He was grooving on the drug and any young woman would have filled the bill. It was all about him, his sensations, his narcissistic supply of drug, sex, attention.
You are attracted to emotionally unavailable men, and the next step is to find out why. Maybe counseling can help you do some self-survey. Usually it is related to one's childhood.
If you figure yourself out--and let go trying to figure him out--then you will have a chance of being a healthy, self-aware woman who will attract to her life healthy, self-aware men. You deserve better than what you have had. But what we find out, in recovery, is that we have to work on ourselves to bring change to our lives. We spend years in destructive relationships wondering why people don't grow up and treat us right. Eventually we have to face the mirror and decide to get ourselves some help.
If you can't afford counseling, working with a sponsor in Al-Anon can be a transforming experience. Your attraction to men who need to be "saved" needs to be addressed and only you can find out your answers.
You are attracted to emotionally unavailable men, and the next step is to find out why. Maybe counseling can help you do some self-survey. Usually it is related to one's childhood.
If you figure yourself out--and let go trying to figure him out--then you will have a chance of being a healthy, self-aware woman who will attract to her life healthy, self-aware men. You deserve better than what you have had. But what we find out, in recovery, is that we have to work on ourselves to bring change to our lives. We spend years in destructive relationships wondering why people don't grow up and treat us right. Eventually we have to face the mirror and decide to get ourselves some help.
If you can't afford counseling, working with a sponsor in Al-Anon can be a transforming experience. Your attraction to men who need to be "saved" needs to be addressed and only you can find out your answers.
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