EH21

My boyfriend has been battling addiction for the last 5 years. It started with percocet which he now takes Suboxone for. He abuses his Suboxone by telling his Dr he needs more than he really does and taking more than prescribed for one day. He also abuses Xanax which he obtains illegally without a prescription. It's a nasty habit and he's a totally different person when he takes the Xanax. He takes 4-8 bars at a time. He doesn't do it everyday but lately he's been getting high more and more often. I've been through so much because of his addiction. He's physically attacked me several times when he was high and once when he was sober. I almost lost 2 of my 3 cats because he was too high to know what he was doing and he left the door open. He's almost started house fires several times trying to cook and being so out of it that he left things to burn on the stove, left the gas on to seep out into the house, used appliances wrong etc etc. It's very very dangerous and he always has to be watched closely like he's 3. He's mean and nasty and he threatens to hurt me. I've been very traumatized by all this. For some reason I honestly thought that he would get help and this would be the last time each time that he's gotten high which is well over 50 times now. I've left him, I've moved out, I've screamed at him until I was blue in the face. I guess I just loved him so much and I was so young and stupid that I believed he could get better. I stopped believing after the last time. I broke up with him and moved into the guest room. I have so much resentment and hurt and anger built up that it feels like bitter poison in my veins. But this time he seems to be doing better. He's making an effort to go to meetings and get in touch with his old positive mentors and friends. He's living differently-taking care of himself and his responsibilities. I'm having a very very hard time treating him with respect and trusting him. I feel bad for being mean but I can't help it. I'm taking all the crap he's put me through because of his addiction in the past and I know I shouldn't be. I know my demeanor towards him might be enough to throw him out of recovery and back into addiction but I can't seem to be able to help myself. I was only twenty three when I met. Him and he's twelve years older and I feel like he's robbed me of the last 2 1/2 years of my life and my youth and he doesn't even care! He thinks I shouldn't even be bitter but I should be thrilled that he's finally "changing." His father was abusive and think he's abusive and I think it he's abusive because of it. He's so selfish and he thinks he's never wrong and everyone should just go along with whatever he says or wants and he thinks people owe him something. He's manipulative. He honestly thinks that I deserved all of his physical attacks on me and he didn't do anything wrong. I really dislike him and I want to save up, move out and cut all ties with him. I'm afraid of him. For the first time in my life I'm afraid of getting hurt by my boyfriend. I don't hate anyone but I'm close to hating him. But I don't want to be responsible for any relapse. His mom who we live with is getting mad at me for not being normal with him because he's not high right now. This is the same woman who blamed me for her son hitting me. I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't even touch him. He just didn't like what I had to say to him. He hates being called on his mistakes. I'm afraid his mom is going to kick me out before I have enough for an apartment. I just need to know how to force myself to treat him "right." Does anyone have any experience with this kind of thing? How am I supposed to be to him? How should I treat him? Am I wrong to hold all this against him? How can I let go of the past? What should I do in this kind of situation?

zoso77

You know...I'm reading this post, and I'm trying to square the contents of the post with the question you're asking. And I can't.

How you treat him "right" isn't the issue.

How you treat yourself is.

And by staying in the environment you have described above, you're not treating yourself right. You have an abusive boyfriend on one side, his abusive mother on the other, and I'm wondering what the heck you're still doing there.

What is preventing you from removing yourself from this situation?

Nina Kay

The first thing that I believe you should do is to get to safety at all costs. Do you have any family or close friends that you can stay with? I also believe that you should leave while they are out of the house because it's more dangerous for someone to have dealings with a violent person when they are actually trying to leave. I hope that you'll see the importance in getting yourself free from violent people & out of harm's way. There is never a good enough reason for anyone to have to live like that. Good luck.

Tamerua

There isn't a right. That's the problem... Do you have anyone else you could live with instead of him and his mother? If you were to read what you wrote and pretend it was a friend instead, what would you say?

HealingWillCome

You will never be responsible for any relapse of his. Only he has that power.

Reading your post makes me very concerned for your physical safety. He attacked you while high and sober. Please find a safe shelter for yourself soon. Others here will be able to give you specific advice for how to go about seeking a safe haven. Please take care of yourself.

KeepinItReal

Love yourself. At this point you have a good plan but how long will it take??

You are seeking revenge with your behavior. Its not worth it. I hope you have some
where else to go.

You know what to do. Survive and run. Good luck.

EH21

Oh man if I could just leave right now I would be so happy! I've been wanting to leave for the last 5 months after I realized that this situation isn't going to get any better no matter what I did. I've called shelters and everywhere I call is full. They also don't offer transportation and I don't drive at the moment. My family either cannot or will not help me. Some just don't have anything to offer and others won't help and use the excuse that if I don't learn to help myself with this then I never will. I know they just don't want me living with them and who wants to give up money lol? So the only option for me is to save up for a place. I just gotta find a job that pays enough or it's going to take months. I'm pretty headstrong when I need to be and I'm intelligent so I have faith in myself and my ability.
We had a small argument tonight and he jumped at me like he was gonna punch me. I think he's on edge from not getting high and he's more unpredictable. So I'm just going to walk on eggshells for a bit.
I was just very afraid that I was going to make him relapse. I don't want to have that on my conscience and I don't feel like babysitting a 37 year old man.

hopeful4

No one can make another relapse. You did not cause it, you cannot control it, you cannot cure it. Plz take care of you.

Vale

You are concerned with the 2 1/2 years of your youth he "stole".

In my humble opinion you need to worry more about that 2 1/2
years turning into 30.

A lifetime of misery.

His relapse is HIS responsibility......noone else's.
YOUR responsibility is not trading 2.5 years for
3 decades of hell.

EH21

Good point! He ended up relapsing anyway on Christmas eve when I was over my parents house. He accidentally sent me a text message meant for his drug dealer because he was high. He was home alone with my cats and I was so worried I ended up having a panic attack right in the middle of the party. I was really embarrassed because of that. My stepmom was really pissed off at me the rest of the time I was there. She treated me like **** which I thought was messed up because it's not like I was drunk and dramatic. I was totally sober (everyone else was drunk) and having a physical reaction to stress that was out of my control. I really don't like my incredibly dysfunctional family and am strongly considering cutting all ties. My stepmom said a lot of very deeply hurtful things to me about how much of a **** up I am and how our relationship will never be close and I'm not welcome to live at her house ever again. She's pretty much completely stolen my father from me and pushed me out of the picture. My dad listens to her because it's easier than fighting with her. So my entire Christmas was ruined I ended up coming home and going straight to my room and sleeping the night away. I was just so drained emotionally and mentally. I feel like I'm out a family and I'm stuck in this horrible environment alone with no one in the world but myself, my cats and my deity. He's still a little high and trying to talk to me and I just really don't want anything to do with him. He makes me sick.

Vale

We are what we decide we are.

You say you are alone-----but you are not.
There are 7 billion in this world----please do
not limit your interactions to only those you
are familiar to you, especially if all they do
is give you hurt.

To choose to live in the shadow of addiction is to choose misery.
It's a bad choice, and one that you have too much innate courage
to make.