Rollercoaster from He!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Davis, CA
Posts: 19
Rollercoaster from He!!
I decided to separate from my AH from the umpteenth time during Thanksgiving. Probably not the best move during the holidays but sometimes enough is enough, holiday or not! Fast forward to now, he's no longer in the house and I've made a decision to move to another town about 20 minutes away to help create a gap between the two of us since I'm completly codependent. I'm very frustrated with myself at this point....i simply don't have the power to cut it off. I went 4 days no contact and it was killing me. I have panic and anxiety attacks all the time and I just can't seem to get off this crazy ride. WHAT IS MY PROBLEM??!! I'm convinced I'm way more sick than he is. Does anybody have any tips on how to do this the right way? Because I haven't been doing a great job. I read my daily devotionals, pray, see a counselor and do my best but I get sucked right back in. I know being with him ends in disappointment and plain regret so why do i return? 
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
As much as we all want recovery to be all right now, right away, it doesn't work that way.
As they say, 'time takes time'. It's probably going to take some time for you to work all of this out. Try to have some patience with yourself.
You've made some really big positive steps forward such as deciding to separate, getting him out of the house, joining SR and getting feedback from people in similar situations, going to counseling, etc. Keep taking steps forward and you will get there.
Try to take things one day at a time and focus on the next thing you need to get done for you.
As they say, 'time takes time'. It's probably going to take some time for you to work all of this out. Try to have some patience with yourself.
You've made some really big positive steps forward such as deciding to separate, getting him out of the house, joining SR and getting feedback from people in similar situations, going to counseling, etc. Keep taking steps forward and you will get there.
Try to take things one day at a time and focus on the next thing you need to get done for you.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Attending live meetings and occupying your time doing healthy things for yourself will help your mind focus on better things. It isn't easy, it may not be what you "feel like doing" but I promise you that it will help you stop obsessing and returning to trouble.
Good luck.
Hugs
Good luck.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
You get so used to focusing on someone that all of a sudden when you take that person away (even by your own decision) it can bring on feelings of loss, anxiety and withdrawal-almost like a drug.
The fact that you are in counseling will greatly help you and once you realize these feelings are completely normal and WILL subside you can slowly but surely distance yourself. You will not die from this and it WILL get better (it will I promise!). The key to success is keeping very busy, get together with family or friends, do things that make you happy and are healthy. Here are a few example: exercise, yoga, walks, skiing, skating, running, biking, hiking, or you could volunteer, go visit shut ins, do something fun with friends, take a day trip, take a long trip, do whatever you have to to not have idle time. Right now it is not your friend. Also know it takes TIME. Whether you have to go minute by minute or hour by hour, you do this one day at a time. Giving up a person for some can be sort of like giving up a drug if you tend to be the obsessive type.
You can do this and you can succeed. I have several friends who have gone through this with boyfriends. Don't put too much pressure on yourself! Keep moving forward, don't look back and before you know it, you will be thinking of him less and less.
The fact that you are in counseling will greatly help you and once you realize these feelings are completely normal and WILL subside you can slowly but surely distance yourself. You will not die from this and it WILL get better (it will I promise!). The key to success is keeping very busy, get together with family or friends, do things that make you happy and are healthy. Here are a few example: exercise, yoga, walks, skiing, skating, running, biking, hiking, or you could volunteer, go visit shut ins, do something fun with friends, take a day trip, take a long trip, do whatever you have to to not have idle time. Right now it is not your friend. Also know it takes TIME. Whether you have to go minute by minute or hour by hour, you do this one day at a time. Giving up a person for some can be sort of like giving up a drug if you tend to be the obsessive type.
You can do this and you can succeed. I have several friends who have gone through this with boyfriends. Don't put too much pressure on yourself! Keep moving forward, don't look back and before you know it, you will be thinking of him less and less.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I think when we live with an active addict the feeling of dread becomes inevitable. This is because times of peace are so suddenly shattered by the unpredictable and always unbelievable chaos the addict's life creates. We know disaster is just around the corner because the addict has proven time and again this is true.
So even when we separate, we carry the anxiety, the dread, of what will happen next because we have learned that something will happen, it will be sudden, it will be upsetting.
The advice by needingabreak is good if you find that stillness and reflection increase your anxiety. Then just getting out of the house and away from the obsession of your own thoughts can be a great help. Just sitting in Starbucks with a book or a magazine can give you a break, if being with people one-on-one feels overwhelming.
But others find that stillness and quiet is what they need, so they can process their thoughts, so they can avoid negative people or environments which could pollute their thinking.
And DGO is so right: time takes time. It is much too soon for you to have come to a place of real serenity in just a couple of months living apart. You are moving in that direction. But this is a deep problem in your life. Just those two letters--AH--tell a painful story and one that is ongoing.
What helped me, in the hardest times, was going to more Al-Anon meetings. The meeting didn't have to be perfect. I didn't have to make the group my home group. But one hour of that obsession being lifted gave me a few more hours afterward of calmness.
So even when we separate, we carry the anxiety, the dread, of what will happen next because we have learned that something will happen, it will be sudden, it will be upsetting.
The advice by needingabreak is good if you find that stillness and reflection increase your anxiety. Then just getting out of the house and away from the obsession of your own thoughts can be a great help. Just sitting in Starbucks with a book or a magazine can give you a break, if being with people one-on-one feels overwhelming.
But others find that stillness and quiet is what they need, so they can process their thoughts, so they can avoid negative people or environments which could pollute their thinking.
And DGO is so right: time takes time. It is much too soon for you to have come to a place of real serenity in just a couple of months living apart. You are moving in that direction. But this is a deep problem in your life. Just those two letters--AH--tell a painful story and one that is ongoing.
What helped me, in the hardest times, was going to more Al-Anon meetings. The meeting didn't have to be perfect. I didn't have to make the group my home group. But one hour of that obsession being lifted gave me a few more hours afterward of calmness.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 65
The weirdest part, is really looking forward to talking to your ex, then doing it, then regretting it.
My A is my DOC, I want to talk to her so bad. But I don't. Because it always ends in chaos.
Her chaos is hers. My stability is mine.
For me it's been about 2 1/2 months no contact. I'm better off for it. If I'm lucky, I got off the roller coaster and never looked back. If I'm stupid, I'll be here this time next year looking for answers.
My A is my DOC, I want to talk to her so bad. But I don't. Because it always ends in chaos.
Her chaos is hers. My stability is mine.
For me it's been about 2 1/2 months no contact. I'm better off for it. If I'm lucky, I got off the roller coaster and never looked back. If I'm stupid, I'll be here this time next year looking for answers.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: WA
Posts: 124
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden 
So even when we separate, we carry the anxiety, the dread, of what will happen next because we have learned that something will happen, it will be sudden, it will be upsetting.
Living with the sword above our head, we've become conditioned to wince at everything. Any moment another crisis could come about. Every phone call or text can bring on anxiety.
When we don't hear from them we are simultaneously relieved and panicked. So glad they aren't contacting, but worried sick because we haven't heard from them...
You return because you love him. I believe once we love someone we always do...in a way. You might not like him very much, but you still care for the guy. It wasn't YOUR choice to ruin the relationship with an addiction, so you are grieving that loss and, somewhere deep inside, you wish for it to be back to what it was.
It's not that you are "sicker than he is". It's that your heart isn't made of stone.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Davis, CA
Posts: 19
Thank you so much for the replies. E very single one hit the nail on the head. I'm going to add some Al-Anon meetings and take it slow. I need to go find a positive way to relieve the stress during a panic attack. I agree that being with an A and the uncertainty from one day to the next has conditioned me to fear the days ahead but I shouldn't...another cycle I must break free from. Tomorrow doesn't have to be a disaster...it may be, but it's not set it stone. It may turn out to be great! Many thank yous to my SR fam! I can't explain how grateful i am to hear from people that have lived through this stuff.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Sometimes a change in geography if it's not significant can bring more stress and anxiety. Cause now you are in a new place with unfamiliar surroundings plus you still have access to phone him, email him and possibly drive an extra 20 minutes to do a drive by and check up on him.
Think about right now today and what means do you remain in contact with him? Do you phone him? Does he phone you? Is it emails?
Your behavior has to change other wise all your doing is moving 20 minutes away with the same behaviors.
The suggestions to keep busy with things you like snd enjoy is excellent. Why not throw some al-anon meetings into the mix.
Think about right now today and what means do you remain in contact with him? Do you phone him? Does he phone you? Is it emails?
Your behavior has to change other wise all your doing is moving 20 minutes away with the same behaviors.
The suggestions to keep busy with things you like snd enjoy is excellent. Why not throw some al-anon meetings into the mix.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Davis, CA
Posts: 19
Thanks Alatose! I have three children with my husband. They're 15, 11 and 4 and at this time I'm completely overwhelmed. My mom offered to help me out and I struggled with that decision. Am I running away from my problems? 34 and going back home??? But in the end I decided leaving is what's best at the moment. Since my AH left I'm struggling with bills, he helps but not as much as when he was living here. I'm going to try and regroup, save some money and take it one day at a time. I don't WANT to do this, I HAVE to. My kids are living in an unstable environment and it seems like there will be no end in sight if something doesn't change. I don't know what will happen, I just know I need off the crazy train. I'm no good to my kids or myself that way.
I DEFINITELY need to work on my behaviors. I want to think I'm making progress. I've seen changes such as not checking up on him and trying to catch him in lies but I have a long way to go. He's free to do as he wishes. He's not in a good place right now so I have to make a choice not to let that negativity in my life. Things will work themselves out, I need to learn how to get out of the way and let it happen!!
I DEFINITELY need to work on my behaviors. I want to think I'm making progress. I've seen changes such as not checking up on him and trying to catch him in lies but I have a long way to go. He's free to do as he wishes. He's not in a good place right now so I have to make a choice not to let that negativity in my life. Things will work themselves out, I need to learn how to get out of the way and let it happen!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Davis, CA
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by anotherfool
The weirdest part, is really looking forward to talking to your ex, then doing it, then regretting it.
My A is my DOC, I want to talk to her so bad. But I don't. Because it always ends in chaos.
Her chaos is hers. My stability is mine.
For me it's been about 2 1/2 months no contact. I'm better off for it. If I'm lucky, I got off the roller coaster and never looked back. If I'm stupid, I'll be here this time next year looking for answers.
My A is my DOC, I want to talk to her so bad. But I don't. Because it always ends in chaos.
Her chaos is hers. My stability is mine.
For me it's been about 2 1/2 months no contact. I'm better off for it. If I'm lucky, I got off the roller coaster and never looked back. If I'm stupid, I'll be here this time next year looking for answers.
2.5 months with no contact!! VIRTUAL HIGH FIVE!
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