Do you help an addict who says he's in danger?
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Do you help an addict who says he's in danger?
So what do you do if the addict brother calls you up and says he will be beaten up by drug dealers if you don't send money right away, and there's a good chance he's actually telling the truth because he just got beaten up a week before. And they have his iD that has your mother's address on it. Normally I would not give a penny to him but this made me give in. What else could be done in this situation?
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
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Hope - Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what has brought you here.
FWIW, I'm both a recovering addict, but I've been a loved one of A's (addicts/alcoholics) for far longer.
Me personally? No, I would not send money. As far as the ID with your mother's address? I'd tell mom to be aware of what is going on in her neighborhood, keep doors locked, and if in ANY doubt, call the police. I recently almost called the police to do drive-by's at the house my dad and I live in when my stepmom died (in the same house) because my alcoholic stepbrother was threatening us.
In my experience, you got him out of this situation, he will soon be in another one. It wasn't until my family said "nope, we're not getting you out of jail or anything else" that I hit bottom and chose recovery.
I hope you keep posting and reading. You really aren't alone.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
FWIW, I'm both a recovering addict, but I've been a loved one of A's (addicts/alcoholics) for far longer.
Me personally? No, I would not send money. As far as the ID with your mother's address? I'd tell mom to be aware of what is going on in her neighborhood, keep doors locked, and if in ANY doubt, call the police. I recently almost called the police to do drive-by's at the house my dad and I live in when my stepmom died (in the same house) because my alcoholic stepbrother was threatening us.
In my experience, you got him out of this situation, he will soon be in another one. It wasn't until my family said "nope, we're not getting you out of jail or anything else" that I hit bottom and chose recovery.
I hope you keep posting and reading. You really aren't alone.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you know for a FACT he was beaten up before??? you were there? or you saw the injuries? you know for a FACT "they" have his ID?
nope, i think he's got you a little snowed there. even if it is true, chances are good that any money you DID give him would certainly go to dealers...some to pay off the debt and some to get some more dope. never give money to an addict for their drug debts. first it's rarely true and second it sends em right back to the dopeman with a fistful of cash.
nope, i think he's got you a little snowed there. even if it is true, chances are good that any money you DID give him would certainly go to dealers...some to pay off the debt and some to get some more dope. never give money to an addict for their drug debts. first it's rarely true and second it sends em right back to the dopeman with a fistful of cash.
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Hope please DO NOT fall for that line. I'm an oppiate addict in recovery and I used that one on my own brother once. Didn't work though. I guess I wasn't as convincing. Truth be told it was a lie. I never owed the dopeman money as he would never have accepted credit. They rarely do. At least I've never met one who did.
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Originally Posted by Hope888 
So what do you do if the addict brother calls you up and says he will be beaten up by drug dealers if you don't send money right away, and there's a good chance he's actually telling the truth because he just got beaten up a week before. And they have his iD that has your mother's address on it. Normally I would not give a penny to him but this made me give in. What else could be done in this situation?
Sounds cruel on the face of it, doesn't it. There are times when we have to detach from people for our own sake. Addiction is a disease. But the most important component of any recovery is accepting responsibility for the choices we make. By giving him money, that process is delayed, and the only thing that happens is you get caught up in the madness.
I really hate typing stuff like this. It is not my intention to be cold. But your AB has to want to come to the light. You can't make him do that. No one can. And no one can save him from himself.
Learn as much as you can by reading as many posts as you can stomach, starting with our sticky notes.
Welcome to the Board.
ZoSo
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Originally Posted by Hope888
So what do you do if the addict brother calls you up and says he will be beaten up by drug dealers if you don't send money right away
MB
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Originally Posted by cleaninLI
Hope please DO NOT fall for that line. I'm an oppiate addict in recovery and I used that one on my own brother once. Didn't work though. I guess I wasn't as convincing. Truth be told it was a lie. I never owed the dopeman money as he would never have accepted credit. They rarely do. At least I've never met one who did.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: WA
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He very well may have been beaten up before. I do know my addict daughter has p**ssed dealers off and has been beaten up, too.
But, I'd be willing to guess the dealer is not going to come to his mother's home to find him and knock his block off. Too many unnecessary unknowns for them to want to deal with.
It's a direct hit to your Tender Heart and he knows it. They are experts at using our love and concern against us.
Don't feel bad - we have all learned this through trial and error, too. Can't tell you how many times I've given money to my daughter for her "Crisis of the Moment" only to have her immediately use it for drugs...which she had planned on the whole time.
But, I'd be willing to guess the dealer is not going to come to his mother's home to find him and knock his block off. Too many unnecessary unknowns for them to want to deal with.
It's a direct hit to your Tender Heart and he knows it. They are experts at using our love and concern against us.
Don't feel bad - we have all learned this through trial and error, too. Can't tell you how many times I've given money to my daughter for her "Crisis of the Moment" only to have her immediately use it for drugs...which she had planned on the whole time.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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My mom did see that he was beaten up last week. I'm actually wondering if he might be dealing now, and that might be how he owed someone money? Maybe the story was not true, but what if it was? He doesn't usually ask me for money since I stopped giving him any years ago. In the end, I cancelled the money when I found out that he was also getting some from my mom.
He is the king of manipulation. He's even gotten my dad to buy him booze by threatening to kill himself, so I don't see how things will change until my parents change or are no longer around.
But going back to my original question, in a different hypothetical scenario, if an addict came to your home (where he is not allowed) and asked to spend the night because he had no where to sleep, but it was 30 degrees outside, would you say no, and let him freeze? I read about several homeless people freezing to death recently so I was wondering what I sound do if put in this situation.
He is the king of manipulation. He's even gotten my dad to buy him booze by threatening to kill himself, so I don't see how things will change until my parents change or are no longer around.
But going back to my original question, in a different hypothetical scenario, if an addict came to your home (where he is not allowed) and asked to spend the night because he had no where to sleep, but it was 30 degrees outside, would you say no, and let him freeze? I read about several homeless people freezing to death recently so I was wondering what I sound do if put in this situation.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
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Hope - When I was out there on the streets, I always found somewhere to go when it was below freezing or over 100 degrees. Most cities have shelters, but I chose to hole up in an empty apt. or at the dope boys' place.
Yes, people do freeze on the streets, but thousands more live that way for years. I was beaten, several times, as I supported my habit by jumping into cars with strange men and some were psychotic. I STILL kept doing what I was doing.
I finally had enough, after a few months of being locked up. There are risks that come with being an addict, those of us who live the life are well aware of it. If we put half the effort into finding a place to sleep that's warm, as we do in getting drugs? We wouldn't have to worry about freezing. I could have gotten a motel room any night - I chose to spend the money on dope.
I know this is hard, as I've been on the other side of the fence, too. It's hard to let someone you love do self-destructive things, but you can let go or be dragged in with them. I got dragged, many a time, and I've had enough of it.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Yes, people do freeze on the streets, but thousands more live that way for years. I was beaten, several times, as I supported my habit by jumping into cars with strange men and some were psychotic. I STILL kept doing what I was doing.
I finally had enough, after a few months of being locked up. There are risks that come with being an addict, those of us who live the life are well aware of it. If we put half the effort into finding a place to sleep that's warm, as we do in getting drugs? We wouldn't have to worry about freezing. I could have gotten a motel room any night - I chose to spend the money on dope.
I know this is hard, as I've been on the other side of the fence, too. It's hard to let someone you love do self-destructive things, but you can let go or be dragged in with them. I got dragged, many a time, and I've had enough of it.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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When I was threatened by my dealer, that was the last time I ever bought drugs again. Being that scared was one of the many things that made me never want to be involved in that world again. Let him be scared and figure it out. He will figure it out one way or another, better off without your money.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
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Originally Posted by Lily1918
Dopemen rarely let people buy on credit. I have met one in my lifetime, and you had to be really in with him.
true - on the streets one usually needs cash
but - most dope deals happen in homes and not in the streets
between people that get to know each other fairly well
if the dope man knows that one can and will pay (after doing some business over time)
credit may be given from time to time
Mountainman
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Join Date: Oct 2010
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Hope- I have driven my AD to shelters when needed. I know she has also slept in the vestibules of apartments and abandoned buildings. I have let her sleep on my enclosed porch too. However, she just could not be in my home because she had stolen, threatened, assaulted, vandalized, and basically terrozed us to the point where no one would sleep if she was in our house overnight. I would give your brother the numbers for shelters and offer him a lift and no more.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
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This is an old ruse, please do not get drawn in. HE can call the police if it is true but my guess is it is just a way to manipulate you with fear to get money.
You don't have to be a victim of his bad behaviour.
I promise that if you give him money, he will be back for more...that is how manipulation works.
Good luck.
You don't have to be a victim of his bad behaviour.
I promise that if you give him money, he will be back for more...that is how manipulation works.
Good luck.
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Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Let's see.....if you don't (fill in the blank) I'm gonna get beat up. If you don't (fill in the blank) I'm going to kill myself. Yup. Heard them both before many times. I've seen my son beaten severely, crescent shaped dints in his head from the butt of a gun, LOTS of stitches all over his head, crushed hand from trying to defend himself as he was beat about the head, ribs broken where he was kicked, and a bullet hole through his collar.
Would I give him money after witnessing that? No.
The "I'm going to kill myself" or "I'm going to get beat up" statements are some of the cruelest things that an addict can say to someone who loves them. Why do they do it? Because it works.
F.O.G. (fear, obligation, guilt) those are the tools of manipulation and they are powerful. If you feel any of those feelings when someone is trying to extract something from you, chances are fairly high that it is manipulation.
I'm so sorry that your love and kind heart is being used as a weapon against you......I've been there many times (and I've given in to it my fair share of times too)......it feels pretty darn icky.
gentle hugs
ke
Would I give him money after witnessing that? No.
The "I'm going to kill myself" or "I'm going to get beat up" statements are some of the cruelest things that an addict can say to someone who loves them. Why do they do it? Because it works.
F.O.G. (fear, obligation, guilt) those are the tools of manipulation and they are powerful. If you feel any of those feelings when someone is trying to extract something from you, chances are fairly high that it is manipulation.
I'm so sorry that your love and kind heart is being used as a weapon against you......I've been there many times (and I've given in to it my fair share of times too)......it feels pretty darn icky.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Wow, he’s pulling at all your heart strings and getting rewarded for it with booze and money and possible a place to stay for a night (ya right)
Manipulation like he is doing is a very cruel and unloving weapon he is using agaist all of you to get what he wants when he wants it.
NO I would not give money to an addict under any circumstances.
And NO I would not allow an active addict into my home for a night – which will always turn into 2 or 3 or you never get rid of them. What’s one night going to buy them? How about what ever of value he can get his hands on in your home.
If you are afraid that this will be his next new manipulation – a place to stay warm for a night then arm yourself with as much information as you can regarding shelters in your area, churches that open there to doors to the homeless, any county programs that help homeless people and when he asks direction him where to go………..
Manipulation like he is doing is a very cruel and unloving weapon he is using agaist all of you to get what he wants when he wants it.
NO I would not give money to an addict under any circumstances.
And NO I would not allow an active addict into my home for a night – which will always turn into 2 or 3 or you never get rid of them. What’s one night going to buy them? How about what ever of value he can get his hands on in your home.
If you are afraid that this will be his next new manipulation – a place to stay warm for a night then arm yourself with as much information as you can regarding shelters in your area, churches that open there to doors to the homeless, any county programs that help homeless people and when he asks direction him where to go………..
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