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Old 12-18-2013, 06:49 PM
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Emotional Abuse

When my AXGF texted me last week (again), it unnerved me a bit. The last time she had texted was in August, and I didn't even look at what she sent until last week.

She sent a black and white picture from her wedding, when her husband (lucky guy that he is) slipped the ring on her finger.

And as I think about her doing that, a lot of things come to mind.

This is another example of emotional assault. When she sent that picture, it was 19 months after finding "grace" and "dignity" and celebrating that event by dumping me via text and confessing she f**ked other men while she was with me. Her intention, again, was to inflict emotional harm on me. And while I know she's mentally ill, it still surprises me that after all this time, she wants to gun for me. It's an odd feeling; knowing someone is out there wanting and trying to cause me harm.

It confirms what I've known for almost 2 years. She's never going to change. People that are serious about their recovery don't pull the sh*t that she pulls. She talks the talk, but never walked the walk. She is, and almost will be, an apex emotional predator. She will use her body to get what she wants. It doesn't matter how much love you give her, or how much support, compassion, and understanding. She's incapable of receiving it, let alone appreciating it.

Me, I stopped loving her the moment she pulled what she pulled. It was instantaneous. What she does or doesn't do with her life is no longer a concern of mine...provided she leaves me the hell alone. Now that she's permanently blocked, maybe she will. But I admit that my concern is she'll show up at my home and cause trouble. She's certainly capable of it...
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Old 12-18-2013, 07:14 PM
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She might be like my AXH, thinking that you are friends and that she didn't do anything wrong or cause pain...

Part of my divorce paperwork states mentally cruelty on his part. I would definitely say her actions constitute mental cruelty. Or as I say to my friend about her ex trying to be friends with her...she's emotionally highjacking you. I'm afraid mine will just show up as well. If she was in recovery, she wouldn't try to torment you at all. Sorry she's trying to highjack you, most of them try to do that though don't they? Someone called it recycling I think?
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Old 12-18-2013, 07:23 PM
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Originally Posted by overit263 View Post
She might be like my AXH, thinking that you are friends and that she didn't do anything wrong or cause pain... Part of my divorce paperwork states mentally cruelty on his part. I would definitely say her actions constitute mental cruelty. Or as I say to my friend about her ex trying to be friends with her...she's emotionally highjacking you. I'm afraid mine will just show up as well. If she was in recovery, she wouldn't try to torment you at all. Sorry she's trying to highjack you, most of them try to do that though don't they? Someone called it recycling I think?

Hmm why would they try to hijack your emotions? To use you again? :/
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Old 12-18-2013, 07:27 PM
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If they aren't in recovery/working the steps, they still manipulate and one of the posts around here is about how they recycle and keep trying to use people in some way. Maybe to get a reaction, get a foot in the door, who knows. It seems like Zoso's doesn't want him to forget about her, or maybe she wants to just be cruel? Who knows, addicts do crazy things, it's hard to know what she's thinking, especially with mental illness involved too. That's why no contact is usually advised, so you don't get sucked back in.
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Old 12-18-2013, 07:47 PM
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Z, you already know she is a Personality Disorder on wheels -- A Full Blown Borderline.

THIS (among other things) is what they do.

Cats Meow.
Dogs Bark.
Cows go Moo.

Borderlines are Bat Sh2t Crazy.

Have you read the Lonely Child Metaphor Analysis on bpdfamily.com?

You (in her mind) are now frustrating her because you are not validating her desirability.

It is not recommended, but you could send this information to her present husband that will create a crisis between them and feed her drama addiction. . . . as you said -- (lucky guy that he is). But that will throw her off your trail for while that blood is in the water.
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Old 12-18-2013, 07:51 PM
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I was wondering what the husband would say about all of that...but is he a normie, or a little coo coo for cocoa puffs? Who knows, you don't want the guy coming after you because who knows what kind of stories she makes up and tells him. Who knows, maybe you and the guy will end up exchanging war stories one day when he can't deal with her behavior anymore.
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Old 12-18-2013, 07:53 PM
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Hammer, funny idea. But that would boomerrang on me.
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Old 12-18-2013, 08:28 PM
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[QUOTE=zoso77;4355184...... But I admit that my concern is she'll show up at my home and cause trouble. She's certainly capable of it...[/QUOTE]

That's what 911 is for.

I think hammer nailed it....get it, hammer nailed it. Hahaha. She wants you to chase after her, make her feel desirable and wanted.

Glad you finally blocked her for good. Rather then focus on all she said and did.....thank your higher power that YOU ARE NOT HER HUSBAND.
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Old 12-18-2013, 10:24 PM
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Please tell me you did not neglect to congratulate the lucky groom
for winning such a great prize!
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Old 12-18-2013, 10:33 PM
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The movie "Basic Instinct" is about someone with the severe form of Borderline Disorder....or, that is what I have been told. I think others here have referred to that movie as well. Maybe you have, too, Zoso, I don't remember. The disorder runs on a continuum, as you know, and those who are at the extreme end of that continuum are dangerous, to be sure. Certainly they are dangerous to their children, for many have murdered their children and become public spectacles...Casey Anthony is a recent example, as has been mentioned on the forum. So your concern about her showing up one day and stirring up serious trouble is not paranoia.

The splitting that is common in those with the disorder--splitting people into "all good" and "all bad" --happens with borderline mothers toward their children. Those who are severely disordered can be consuming in their affection for their "all good" child and absolutely witch-like in their hatred of their "all bad" child. I think you have fallen into the "all bad" category in her book of lovers. She believes you deserve to be punished, if this is so.

It might be a good idea to continue your reading and your research and talking with your therapist about this experience, Zoso, because it has sunk deep into your unconscious and these triggers of communication from her stir that deep well. But with each communication, you have another chance to process what effect this relationship has had on your life and your psyche. Essentially, even though on the surface it is over, underneath there is still a connection.

My therapist speaks of "implicit" relationship, one that can take place in the deep unconscious between two people, even though on the surface the relationship is superficial or has ended altogether. And he says it is essential to bring this up out of one's deep unconscious and really shine a strong light on it because, he says (a Jungian, 40 years experience) it is not all about "the other." We drew the other to us, and if we examine ourselves deeply, we will learn something vital about ourselves, we'll learn more about why.

I know you've worked with your own therapist processing this mind-bending relationship...and it sounds as if maybe you should continue on for a while. I think perhaps the exagf planted quite a load of sh** into your head, and it may take more time not only to clean it all out, but also to remain open to new awareness about yourself that may bubble up in the process. One thing I have learned in therapy is that I could not see really essential things about my former relationship until about 4 years down the line. And so much of what had happened had to do with me, and why I drew that person to my life.

You drew her to you, even though some days you may feel you were hooked like an unsuspecting fish in the water. And though you say you instantly stopped loving her when she treated you so callously, it doesn't mean the relationship ended. There are many different levels, and some things take place on a level so deep that we are not even conscious of it. Until an outer event jars us and up it comes.
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Old 12-18-2013, 11:13 PM
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Zoso,

Based on what you have posted here about her texting; if I recall once it was a picture of her broken ankle taken in the ER, then months later a wedding photo that is basically generic after a wedding... unless there is a lot more contact your not sharing, it doesn't sound like she is all that obsessed with you. But each time you get one of these texts you become drawn back into speculating on what her intentions are, what this says about her drug recovery, what this says about her issues with bipolar, what this says about the status of her marriage, and her current feelings for you....Unless there is a lot more info here... it seems like all you can do is speculate on what it all means.

My therapist would probably ask me why? Why after 2 years of breaking up with a boyfriend, do I get drawn in to all of this in my own mind. Why do I create the answers that I do .... Is there a part of me that needs to believe he is still a drug addict, still unstable from his bipolar, still wanting me, meaning he is in an unhappy marriage? Do these thoughts reinforce something I currently need emotionally? And etc...

I don't expect you to answer these questions but I'm just saying these are questions I would be asking myself.

Why not assume other options- you are included in a group she has set up and every so often she uses it to text. Both the texts you shared could be sent to pretty much anyone ... Friends, coworkers.

Why not assume in her way she is trying to say she is fine and happy, and since she was on drugs at the time of the breakup and mentally unstable maybe she still in some odd way thinks of you as a distant friend, OR even if she is doing it to rub it in your wounds - that's her issue not yours.

Put the focus back on you; work on letting go of the relationship, the pain and anger- it's so palpable in your posts. I hope you find peace soon.
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Old 12-19-2013, 04:17 AM
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Zoso, I agree with the above post that she is frustrated that you are not validating her desirability. You and I both know that border lines crave attention. It's instantly all or nothing for them. They go from zero to hero instantly.
I think you're doing the right thing by not engaging her.
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Old 12-19-2013, 07:52 AM
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Does it really matter what her intentions are for sending those texts? Will the answer make any difference after two years? I think Englishgarden was spot on about continuing therapy to find out why these infrequent communications still trigger you. Like she mentioned, "even though on the surface it is over, underneath there is still a connection."
I have had relationships that have hurt me too. I would assume many of us have. But, there comes a time when we need to examine ourselves and figure out what our part was in the relationship and why we drew that kind of person to us and why we let that person continue to hurt us. It's MHO that when we are able to stop thinking of ourselves as the victim and realize that we are in control of our lives. We can choose to heal. With that healing comes peace.
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Old 12-19-2013, 09:25 AM
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Originally Posted by zoso77 View Post

Me, I stopped loving her the moment she pulled what she pulled. It was instantaneous.
I want to know how you stopped loving her just that quickly?

My mom always used to say " you never stop loving someone. Either you never loved them to begin with, you only thought you did, or you always will love them, even if only from a distance."

Zoso, I'm curious... would you agree or disagree?

I ask because I am wondering if I ever loved the addict in my life, I'm trying to define the difference between infatuation and love in my heart and mind
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Old 12-19-2013, 09:49 AM
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Allforcnm had a really, really thoughtful interesting reply, and I want to respond to it bit by bit. So, first of all, thank you for the reply.

And with that...

Based on what you have posted here about her texting; if I recall once it was a picture of her broken ankle taken in the ER, then months later a wedding photo that is basically generic after a wedding... unless there is a lot more contact your not sharing, it doesn't sound like she is all that obsessed with you. But each time you get one of these texts you become drawn back into speculating on what her intentions are, what this says about her drug recovery, what this says about her issues with bipolar, what this says about the status of her marriage, and her current feelings for you....Unless there is a lot more info here... it seems like all you can do is speculate on what it all means.
My AXGF is not Bipolar. She's a Borderline Personality. There is quite a difference between the two. I do not care about the status of her marriage. Nor do I care about her feelings for me. What I do care about is my physical and emotional safety.


My therapist would probably ask me why? Why after 2 years of breaking up with a boyfriend, do I get drawn in to all of this in my own mind. Why do I create the answers that I do .... Is there a part of me that needs to believe he is still a drug addict, still unstable from his bipolar, still wanting me, meaning he is in an unhappy marriage? Do these thoughts reinforce something I currently need emotionally? And etc...
The short answer is given her behavior in the past, she is capable of creating a dangerous situation for me, in terms of my physical safety, emotional safety, and my professional life. She has done so in the past. There are things I can't discuss freely on a forum such as this due to the nature of my employment.

I don't expect you to answer these questions but I'm just saying these are questions I would be asking myself.
And they're fair questions.

Why not assume other options- you are included in a group she has set up and every so often she uses it to text. Both the texts you shared could be sent to pretty much anyone ... Friends, coworkers.
If it were part of a group text, other phone numbers would appear on the text. The only one that is present is her current phone number. And the last text she sent last week was directed towards me and me alone.

Why not assume in her way she is trying to say she is fine and happy, and since she was on drugs at the time of the breakup and mentally unstable maybe she still in some odd way thinks of you as a distant friend, OR even if she is doing it to rub it in your wounds - that's her issue not yours.
This is false. She was not using at the time we broke up. She does not think of me as a distant friend. Nor does she think of me with any sort of warmth or positive regard. She thinks of me as a target. This is what people with character disorders do: they try to make you feel the anger and emptiness they feel. Her sole intent is to cause harm. And this view is shared by my clinician who also knows her.

Put the focus back on you; work on letting go of the relationship, the pain and anger- it's so palpable in your posts. I hope you find peace soon.
It's not pain. Her betrayal of me no longer bothers me, and the reason why that is is she's pathologically sick and I can't personalize what she did to me because she's done the same to other people.

But, yes, I'm angry. And I'm angry because of reasons I alluded to above and cannot discuss freely.

Thank you again for the response.

ZoSo
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Old 12-19-2013, 09:58 AM
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Originally Posted by Lily1918 View Post
I want to know how you stopped loving her just that quickly?

My mom always used to say " you never stop loving someone. Either you never loved them to begin with, you only thought you did, or you always will love them, even if only from a distance."

Zoso, I'm curious... would you agree or disagree?

I ask because I am wondering if I ever loved the addict in my life, I'm trying to define the difference between infatuation and love in my heart and mind
The issue, ultimately, isn't that we broke up. People break up all the time. The issues are the following:

1) She broke up with me over text message by sending me a picture of her and her new boyfriend

2) She did this while I was at work

3) She confessed, with glee, of sleeping with at least two other men during the course of our relationship

She behaved with malice and cruelty. She continues to. And once someone does that to me, that's it. I was, and am, done with her.

ZoSo
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Old 12-19-2013, 02:41 PM
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Old 12-19-2013, 03:08 PM
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zoso

i would see that as a sign that she still has emotions or feelings for you. i think she keeps in contact with you as to show you what you missed out on or what you could have have. so i think she has regrets and still trying to prove something to you.
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Old 12-19-2013, 05:17 PM
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Originally Posted by robgt350 View Post
zoso

i would see that as a sign that she still has emotions or feelings for you. i think she keeps in contact with you as to show you what you missed out on or what you could have have. so i think she has regrets and still trying to prove something to you.
I respectfully disagree.

Someone with her characterlogical makeup doesn't operate that way. Her primary motivation in any and all matters is to get what she wants at any and all times. What she wanted out of me was an enabler. And once I stopped doing that, she left me for someone who would enable her. It's that simple.

ZoSo
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Old 12-19-2013, 05:26 PM
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Zoso, I'm so sorry that there is some risk this unfortunate woman could jeopardize your employment or attempt something to cause you that sort of physical or emotional harm. If you fear she may show up at your workplace, is there a security staff where you work that you could speak to and warn?
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