I'm hating life!!!!

Old 12-17-2013, 03:50 PM
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I'm hating life!!!!

So RAD is coming home Thursday. AS is living with a "lady" who has had her home raided and is the "ma" to the drug addicted teens in my area. My AS came over 2 nights ago. My hubby tried "talking " to him. Told him "RAD is coming home, new beginnings blah blah and we want you to be part of it but only if you change what you're doing". AS basically said "I'll get back to you".
RAD and AS are very close. RAD knows she will have to distance herself from him because of what he's doing. In one breath he tells my hubby "I swear I'm not doing drugs (cuz again, pot is not a drug, duh) and the he tells RAD that he's considering rehab. Hubby doesn't believe anything RAD says. Even when I asked her about the person AS is living with she went into detail about this woman. Hubby didn't believe a word until he heard it from other people. In the meantime, 2 days ago, his cousin's cousin died of an OD from a bad batch that's going around (he lived next door to this woman).

So:
A) I'm stressed that RAD is coming home
B) AS is still "hustling" and using
C) hubby in denial
D) my autoimmune disease is out of control. My Meds are messed up, my BP is high, my joints are screaming
If you remember, I was in ER last week.
My autoimmune causes me to have a malar rash on my face along with tachycardia and. Host of other unpleasant things. My hubby seems to think I'm full of sh$t or just forget or whatever....but completely ruined the nice dinner I made tonight. My dad sent us Omaha steaks and I made filet mignon. (Yea... A nice treat right? No...ended up in the trash!!!!)
He looks at me and is like "you're face is soo red, what's wrong with you? You need to take better care of yourself, lose weight exercise etc" (I went to my DR yesterday cuz BP was high , palpitations, med adjustment etc)
Me: um, I had to go off the chemo med for the autoimmune disease remember? The malar rash...it happens all the time. Why is this new to you?
Him: (rolls eyes)
Me: it's called a butterfly rash...remember? I emailed the rheumatologist and told him my symptoms are getting worse.
Him: what? It's supposed to look like a butterfly? Condescending attitude.
My daughter: really? (Death stare) you just basically told her she's fat and you're being really insensitive!
(I'm not fat, but I've had to be on steroids for the past year so I'm "puffy" and really sensitive about it)
Fast forward through the yelling, stomping, dumping of really good steak in the garbage.
I ended up alone, on the porch crying, alone, feeling angry, alone, and miserable and oh yea,,,ALONE!
I just don't know how much more I can take. I'm trying so hard to keep it all together. The condescending, accusatory tone totally did not help! He went to work, thank God! I don't want to be around him right now.

Do you ever feel like you just hate everyone? Oh yea happy freakin holidays!
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Old 12-17-2013, 03:57 PM
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I feel like I hate everyone some days. Especially with people that don't understand how hard dealing with addicts can be, or they won't just leave you alone. Jerky husband does not help your situation at all, but at least your RAD was sticking up for you. I try to go for walks with the dog even more on those days to get some energy out and clear my irritated brain. Big hugs to you, there is a lot on your plate and hubby needs to be more supportive and less jerky.
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Old 12-17-2013, 04:00 PM
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Thanks...actually it was my 13 yo sticking up for me....pretty sad!
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Old 12-17-2013, 04:01 PM
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I just bought a frame that says "when all else fails, hug the dog" lol...they help so much!
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Old 12-17-2013, 04:07 PM
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Oh shoot, sorry! I was watching my dog whimper then growl, then wag his tail while he's asleep and dreaming! I'm not a good multi tasker!

Aren't our dogs a lifesaver? Even when mine is bad, he makes me laugh. Better therapy than any person could provide!

Good for your 13 year old, you need someone on your team! I always have to do something to distract me when I get in one of those bad moods because everyone and everything is going wrong. I usually rent a movie, that's a great distraction for a few hours. Hang in there, hopefully tomorrow is a MUCH better day!
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Old 12-17-2013, 04:19 PM
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dogs don't do drugs
(too smart)
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Old 12-17-2013, 04:27 PM
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there are drug sniffing dogs....

bad joke, couldn't help myself.
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Old 12-17-2013, 04:32 PM
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Jend719, rootin for ya.

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Old 12-17-2013, 04:38 PM
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Oh Jend....seems things really have piled up. Sending you a big cyber hug and prayers for strength and patience. How frustrating your son thinks living with a dealer is a good option. When he finally opts to "get back to you" perhaps the offer is null and void..

I do wish I could fast forward through the holidays. The added pressure really does impact the tipping point. I'm trying to keep my expectations really low and fortunately have some things planned for myself that I'm really looking forward to. I've wasted too many holidays wishing things could be different. Well they aren't.. it is what it is. It's up to me to make the best of it. We'll get through and thank goodness we have this site to draw strength from!
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Old 12-17-2013, 06:05 PM
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Every night before I hit the rack, I remind myself how fortunate I am.

Granted, my troubles when I dealt with someone with addiction issues don't really measure up to yours. But at the same time, I bet there's few members on here that would gladly trade your troubles for theirs.

We all go through sh*tty times. Life, frankly, isn't fair. But hating life isn't the answer. The best thing to do is to acknowledge, in the moment, that things suck. And once you do that, you realize that tomorrow gives another chance for things to be better. It may not be great. It may not even be good. But at least tomorrow gives us a chance.

The holiday season, for me, has given me a lot of heartache and a lot of pain. I still carry it with me. But I made the decision last year the Christmas was going to be as good or as bad as I make it. If it decide it's going to suck, then it will suck. If I decide I'm going to get through it, then I'm going to get through it. It's really that simple, making a choice.

Whatever your RAD, AS and husband do or don't do really isn't your problem. Take care of yourself, get as healthy as you can, and come to the light...

ZoSo
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Old 12-17-2013, 09:47 PM
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Jend I am so sorry you had such a crappy night last night. I hope today was better for you. You have every right to be upset and hurt and feeling alone. You are going through so much at once and aren't the holidays stressful enough?? I think your husband could use some lessons in the sensitivity department.

I am having a pitty party for myself tonight but I like what Zoso said about acknowledging in the moment it sucks but have hope for a better day tomorrow. I like that thinking! Here I am menopausal AND PMSing. How in God's name does that happen?! Isn't just one of those bad enough? God and I will be having a discussion on this someday when I pass away. Ive got some psychotic drunk threatening me because of something stupid my RAD did, my mother-in-law is trying to manipulate-guilt my husband in taking her to Florida with us when we go in January (she is a nightmare and sooooooo negative. Can we say no way in hell?) and I have been in such a hateful mood this past week (have you picked up on this yet?). It has been awful. Can I interest anyone in hiring a hit woman? I am cheap! This week only- half price!...........so really... seriously now....just a bit of humor to help us through our own personal hellish days we have....... the holidays can really dampen our already tough lives full of turmoil. I pray today was a much happier day for you Jend and I pray tomorrow is even better. I hope you wake up to the sun shining and something wonderful to be thankful for. Many hugs to you. I can feel your pain and hurt through your words.
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Old 12-17-2013, 10:38 PM
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Sorry you are going through this. To say that you don't deserve any of it goes without
saying. Your SR pals care. It may only be cyber/anonymous care--but I promise we are not
intelligence-mimicking programs pretending to be people..

....we are real people.

....and if we're 'gonna have a pity party, as needingabreak says-----then damn it,
we're gonna do it right.

We DO care....even if all we can do to show it is write half-assed missives like this one.
Sometimes it helps to know others understand this crappy thing called addiction.

It helped me.
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Old 12-18-2013, 03:07 PM
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Thank you all. I really appreciate it. You guys managed to make me laugh. Sometimes I just need to get all the junk out. It builds and builds with nowhere to go.
It is what is and like zoso said...tomorrow is another day!
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Old 12-18-2013, 08:23 PM
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Hugs to you Jend. Hope your people straighten up!!!
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Old 12-19-2013, 09:56 AM
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Is today better?
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Old 12-19-2013, 11:14 AM
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Hi Jend- Hope today is better. Sometimes a good cry and some time alone is a good thing. Try to carve out some personal time and space. You need to focus on your health and let everyone else tend to their own issues for now.
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Old 12-21-2013, 11:34 PM
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I agree with EJG. Take care of You.
So sorry this is all happening at once.
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Old 12-22-2013, 04:46 PM
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Jend...hang in there. I am to tired, at the moment, to be angry!

There is always anxiety when the "kid" comes home from jail/rehab/hospital as we have all been through the ringer of druggie antics.

My daughter came home Friday...so far so good. Her mindset has changed but she has along ways to go.
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Old 12-23-2013, 04:36 AM
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Update: RAD is home. She is so far a completely changed person. We all took an emergency trip to Florida. My dad is very ill on life support. It just never ends. Please pray for my dad.
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Old 12-23-2013, 07:55 AM
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Prayers out for your dad and for you too. You WILL be okay, just take a deep breath and promise yourself to take care of yourself today and find some quiet time just for you to rest and heal. I promise it helps.

Hugs
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