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Ready to give up on heroin addict husband...

Old 12-16-2013, 01:05 AM
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Angry Ready to give up on heroin addict husband...

.. my husband and I have only been married for just over a year. He has two children that will not speak to him now because of his addiction and he just lost his job last week also because of his addiction. He has been playing the blame game for so long and has been out of the house for the last 4 months because he started saying with his brother and his mom and never came back home. Not only does he have a horrible attitude now but his addiction is so bad that I am afraid I'm going to get a phone call one day telling me something has happened to my husband. What you're talking about a wonderful man of God who used to be absolutely amazing. He was kind compassionate loving loyal very soft spoken, and the most understanding and kind man I have ever met. Almost a year ago he started showing signs of using but I didn't have any proof. He admitted to me not long ago that last January he started using heroin again after being clean for 7 years. He is blaming our marriage for his addiction and relapse however I do not use at all and I never have. His mother and his sister brainwashed him into believing that our marriage was a mistake and because of our marriage he started using drugs again. Of course we know that is a lie however his mother and his sister are single and very miserable people. His mother is a raging addict as well.. I haven't heard from him in about six days and I am contemplating on whether or not to keep praying for him or just filed for divorce and never speak to him again. I know he is incapable of caring about anything or anyone however I don't even know if its the drugs that is influencing his attitude toward me. He treats me like garbage now and he could care less if I lived or died. Someone hit my car on the highway about 2 weeks ago and leaving me stranded at home with two children in the middle of winter and my husband is out there using at his mother's house without a care in the world. I love them and that he used to be but not the man that he is now. I understand addiction very well however I still cannot grasp onto how he can walk away from a marriage of a wait a year and be easily influenced by two people that have done nothing but made him miserable all of his life in his childhood. I wish drugs were extinct!
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Old 12-16-2013, 12:41 PM
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Sorry for what brings you here.

Originally Posted by zoey75w View Post
...I am contemplating on whether or not to keep praying for him or just filed for divorce and never speak to him again.
I would do both. Get out of the marriage as the addict's behavior makes them incapable being a responsible partner, and pray that he find a way to recovery...alone.
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Old 12-16-2013, 01:37 PM
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I am sorry too that you have to be here, but this is a good place for support. The thing is, his mom and sister may have influenced him, but they did not force him to relapse. He is in full control of his addiction. A H addiction just like an alcohol addiction is just that...an addiction for life. From what I have heard and read, H takes over their lives above all else. He has to want recovery and unfortunately it sounds like he has no interest at this point at all. You cannot will it for him.

It will cause you much less pain to move on from him and let him deal with his own addiction in my opinion.

I am so sorry.

Keep posting, you are not alone!
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Old 12-16-2013, 03:14 PM
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Been there done that! It's the drugs and not you. My AXH has a mother who is also an addict and she always enabled him and her other kids. Do not listen to the nasty things coming out of his mouth. Go consult a lawyer and see what your options are. Take control of the situation and protect yourself. If he wants to get help, he will go get it but there's nothing you can do about it.
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Old 12-16-2013, 03:17 PM
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Good advice hopeful, I wonder what Zoey will do. I agree with you...I wish someone had told me this 20yrs ago. Anyway...
Welcome Zoey, stick around, read, post, the advice is well worth the effort people put into it.
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Old 12-16-2013, 03:20 PM
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Yes it's a disease.. I feel that I should wait s little while to see if he gets any help but if not, I'm definitely moving on. Once I move forward, I tend to never look back. It's a shame too. Such a wonderful man and this has to take control of his life... It's Sick...
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Old 12-16-2013, 03:23 PM
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I'm headed to a Nar-anon meeting this week. I do know that much...
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Old 12-16-2013, 04:21 PM
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He is blaming our marriage for his addiction and relapse
Of course he is. That's because personal accountability is the mortal enemy of someone in active addiction.

I understand addiction very well however I still cannot grasp onto how he can walk away from a marriage of a wait a year and be easily influenced by two people that have done nothing but made him miserable all of his life in his childhood.
He can walk away from it because he's in active addiction. And because he's in active addiction, he doesn't care about you, your marriage, or anyone else. It is an incredibly self-absorbed state of being.

I'm not a marriage counselor, so it's not my place to tell you what to do regaring your marriage. That said, what I will encourage you to do is to make the best decisions you can based on what you know to be true. And that's a difficult thing to do when you love someone. I think everyone tries to find the good in people and give people the benefit of the doubt. But when you do that with an addict in active addiction, they're incapable of absorbing that trust.

Knowledge is power. Remember that.

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Old 12-16-2013, 04:35 PM
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Zoey75W,

I cannot believe what a bad wife you are,
holding him down and injecting him with that
heroin.It is obviously all your fault and you
should take full and complete responsibility
for all of his decisions and actions.

......None of what I just wrote makes a
single bit of sense, does it?
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Old 12-16-2013, 04:47 PM
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LOL my thoughts exactly... His family is nuts..
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Old 12-16-2013, 05:32 PM
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Good one Vale! They like you to think that you are the CRAZY one! Right...laughable.

It's difficult to make a decision to move on....knowing their potential. But all you have is what is in front of you....no potential no expectations....those are yours and not his.

I understand where you are....I made a decision to move on, after waiting a short time. We hadn't been married a year and for a good chunk it wasn't great. He was using 1/4 of the time and I hadn't picked up on it...except the awful attitude.

After I found out, I kicked him out. Two weeks later I was texting him that it was to painful for me to wait on him (to get help). The next day he went in the HR, at work, and asked for help. He has been sober for almost 2 months and is willingly working a program.

I was prepared to move on....you have to do what is best for you. I know that if he uses again that I will be moving on. I am to old and tired to fight this battle. I have 2 kids that are in the addiction battle. I know the war is long.
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Old 12-16-2013, 06:13 PM
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Originally Posted by Vale View Post
Zoey75W,

I cannot believe what a bad wife you are,
holding him down and injecting him with that
heroin.It is obviously all your fault and you
should take full and complete responsibility
for all of his decisions and actions.

......None of what I just wrote makes a
single bit of sense, does it?
I must admit I burst into laughter upon reading this...
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Old 12-17-2013, 10:57 PM
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Zoey,

Zoso gave you some very good advise and suggestions. It was my exah that brought me to SR a few years back and I can really relate to the hurt and turmoil you are in right now. Blaming having problems in a marriage for an excuse to use is BS....you know that, I know that, we all know that! We all know that is a typical quack from an addict! His family is quacking too and I think it pretty much goes hand in hand, so don't believe or take to heart any of the garbage they have to say, its hard not to react to such off the wall gabber but they feed off it when we do. Hopefully you can distance yourself from them all, surround yourself with the love of your family and friends.

As Zoso said, go see a lawyer get some legal advise...Protect yourself! Very important!

Rose
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Old 12-18-2013, 04:27 AM
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Protecting yourself right now is important. Marriage means financial entanglement, and you don't want to be financially entangled with an active H addict. Your credit is at stake, reputation, etc. I would see a lawyer immediately. Filing for divorce or legal separation would seem to make sense here.

Note that taking legal action does NOT necessarily mean the relationship is over forever. He may eventually decide to get clean, and your actions might be one more step on the road to his bottom that makes him decide that he wants recovery. But you can't know when or if that is going to happen, and you certainly can't make it happen. Relapse is always a risk when you are involved with an addict - addiction is defined as a chronic, relapsing disease. No addict can guarantee that he will be able to stay forever in recovery. It's what we hope for, what they hope for, but often it doesn't happen. Hopefully at some point, your husband will decide to reclaim himself and fight his way back to recovery. In the meantime, take care of you. So sorry that you are going through this.
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Old 12-18-2013, 04:57 AM
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Yes, SG has a good point.
If you have assets in common, or credit, he can destroy your ability to buy a home,
get a car loan, or do pretty much anything without cash up front.

Take care of yourself.
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Old 12-18-2013, 11:24 AM
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I am halfway through the process...start protecting your financials asap! They don't care about anything but using right now, and you need to take control as fast as possible. Make sure you get to a lawyer! I will have to have my credit monitored for the rest of my life because there's always a risk my AXH will try to use my information in the future.
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