To everyone having trouble letting go...

Old 12-15-2013, 10:37 AM
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To everyone having trouble letting go...

Someone showed me this quote that really hit home for me. I wanted to share it with you all.

"Not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. Some of them love us dearly. Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to our being simply because their needs and way of existing in the world force us to compromise ourselves and our happiness. They aren’t inherently bad people, but they aren’t the right people for us. And as hard as it is, we have to let them go. Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you down, and as much as you care, you can’t destroy yourself for the sake of someone else. You have to make your well being a priority. Whether that means breaking up with someone you care about, loving a family member from a distance, letting go of a friend, or removing yourself from a situation that feels painful — you have every right to leave and create a safer space for yourself."

- Daniell Koepke

For many of us, the idea of walking away from someone we love and care about deeply is just to difficult. So, we sacrifice our own needs, wants, happiness, our LIFE, to help these people because if we don't who will? Many of us want to walk way but simply cannot. But no matter how much we love someone, we need to love ourselves more.
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Old 12-15-2013, 11:07 AM
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Thank you very much for posting this. It spoke to me on many levels.
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Old 12-15-2013, 12:07 PM
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thanks for this quote. I hope to internalize this quote and accept it. it's been a tough ride.
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Old 12-15-2013, 12:33 PM
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I needed to read something like this today. Having a very tough day grappling with exactly this issue. Thank you for posting it BB89.
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Old 12-15-2013, 12:53 PM
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Thank you. I needed this, too.
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Old 12-15-2013, 02:01 PM
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as a sober contributor
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Thanks for sharing this. I believe the most important thing we can do to help ourselves is remove ourselves from a toxic situation.

I walked away from a daily brewery habit 7 years ago and left the gossip and BS behind w/o ever looking back. While I continued to drink at home, separating from those who were only friends while we were drinking made my eventual move to sobriety much, much easier.

Excellent quote.... thanks again.
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Old 12-15-2013, 02:28 PM
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The vows of marriage lead many to put their spouse's needs above their own. As we age, we may find we have to care for a spouse with dementia. This is taxing for the caregiver and can be detrimental to the caregiver's health. Caregiver's have to be aware of the risk and manage their own health and needs, including finding respite from caregiving. Even though caregiving may be toxic, most of us will not walk away from it completely. We will find ways to mitigate the damage to ourselves.

Addiction places some of the same burdens on family members. Unlike dementia, there is shame and blame in the mix. So family members are less likely to seek out support and respite. It is difficult to determine when support turns into enabling - when help begins to hurt the addict.

Most of us enjoy helping others. Our endorphins flow when we please someone else. This is part of being a social animal. For those of us supporting addicts or the elderly or small children, we have to be aware that help can be perceived as a putdown - that we believe they are not capable of doing it themselves. We have to recognize that struggling to complete a task is good for the helpee. There can be a fine line between not enough and too much. Finding that line may be the lesson caregivers most need to learn.
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