terp82

Having experienced a child's addiction (4 years) and new to recovery (one year off drugs, although is drinking), I have a couple of questions.
1. My daughter is 25 yrs old single mom of a 3 year old, owns a home, works full time. Right now cannot afford insurance. Will I be enabling her by paying for insurance/daycare? She is on a good path and want to help her in that. She needs health care and maybe mental health counseling but cannot afford without insurance.

2. I am really scared for her because with Christmas coming, she seems to be "losing" it. Considering letting the drug addicted father of her child to come visit because it is Christmas. Is she relapsing?

GardenMama

Good questions. I am the mother of an RAD who's been clean/semi-clean for more than a year. My first thought about insurance is that you help her sign up on the Affordable Care Act -- being a single mom & a homeowner, she may very well qualify for excellent health coverage at a cost you might not be able to find. www.healthcare.gov There is a circle/link on the right side that you can click that says: See if I Can Get Lower Costs." Perhaps suggest this to her and offer to help her sign up online, but not much more. If she does that and still cannot afford it, perhaps you pay that premium for a while.

As for the father of her child, I think it has to be her decision. She's the mother, he's the father. Unless she is in physical danger, I think it has to be her decision. She has to learn how to navigate her world and that world may indeed have a drug-addicted father of her child in it. If you believe your grandchild is in danger, it is okay to bring this up with her...ask what the plans for the visit are...

I know firsthand it's tough being the momma of an addict in recovery. My heart goes out to you. Try to focus on what you know, what you can see, and stay in the present moment. I am working on that as well, every moment of every day!

Mountainmanbob

if you can afford it
see nothing wrong with buying her insurance (for a while)
possibly the counseling would be of great benefit for her

tough love comes in after many let downs
does not seem that you are at that point -- yet
MB

terp82

Thank you all so much for responding. Feeling a little panicky this morning. This is all so new and I want to do it the right way; meaning what it takes so my daughter can continue on her path to/on sobriety.

The tough thing is that she only qualifies for $14 in subsidy for her health care...the working poor mostly because of the choices she made in her past.

We can afford to help her only because we work very hard, cut out things that we don't necessarily need and make it work. I don't know if I am thinking about it correctly but seems to me no sacrifice is too much if she is sober and trying.

Again, I am new to this and probably I enable her to some degree, so ANY advice would be amazing!

BTW I am doing the family step program...will that help?

YouWillBe

We always tell our daughter that we will help her when she gets help and is serious about it. But, she's gone so far down that she has LITERALLY nothing left, and a felony conviction, so getting a job will be harder...she's homeless and has the clothes on her back, that's IT.

So, by helping her, we mean possibly sober living or rent for a few months to tied her over, AFTER treatment. Medical insurance IF she can't get it on her own, and the like. It doesn't mean supporting her forever and letting her laze around and not be productive, but giving her a stepping stone, as I know it will be difficult when she decides to get well.

I think, if they are doing all they can, EARNESTLY doing all they can, then helping them really is helping and not enabling.

terp82

Thanks youWillBe. I pray your daughter finds her bottom soon and pray for peace for you as well. You sound like a really strong person; hang in there.

YouWillBe

Thank you, terp! I don't feel strong very often, but I am getting better a little at a time!

This is a horrendous road for parents - even if our addicts are grown children, it's heart-wrenching.

I am encouraged by hearing your daughter's story, because it helps me see it IS possible for them to start to change. I don't expect an overnight miracle! But just a START would be nice!

terp82

I was really discouraged today so after church just decided to distract myself. I start getting in that worry mode which is not healthy, and feel like I'm in a funk. Wrapping presents, sewing, etc. Now at 10:30 just sitting down, but more at peace.

You're right, it is heart wrenching to see your own kids go through this.

allforcnm

I don't think helping with insurance or daycare is enabling. Its wonderful your daughter has a year off drugs and it sounds like she is doing well. I agree counseling might be beneficial to her recovery, and also to deal with issues like her ex which can be complicated. I think it just comes down to your personal parenting style and the resources you have available to assist her.

My husband is my qualifier here; he has just over 1.5 years clean. We have a two year old son together. If he were to go back to using drugs, it would depend on his behavior of course... but I would not try to keep him from seeing his son. I would however want to put certain restrictions in place to ensure my sons safety and to maintain the sense of stability/security that he now feels. Maybe your daughter is setting up some ground rules for his visit?