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Losing Co-dependent battle!

Old 12-14-2013, 01:47 AM
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Losing Co-dependent battle!

Hello all. Ok so, to make a long story short, I have failed once again with battling my co-dependent issues. In trying to leave my addict bf alone, I sought the advice of another addict, (my mother). The only thing is, she is unaware that I know she still uses. Anywho, she has been helping me by listening and was cheering me on I thought. Up until recently when I failed. I failed without noticing. This isn't an excuse, but I am going through a lot with both of my children. I have to go to court concerning my oldest, and have to go back and forth to the hospital concerning my youngest. I guess, In my codependent mind, keeping my ex at bay was too strenuous. I spent most of my time, worrying about his issues and losing sight of my children's issues. It took a lot out of me. Anyway, my ex and I gradually started being friend's again and I am just tired of being strong. I may be codependantly delusional, but It feels less stressful. He isn't fully back in my life, but we talk more and I allow more visits with his son. Well, I planned to tell my mom to vent and get support for failing. but instead, I got an abrupt call from her upset at me and being really disrespectful. I am living under her sec 8 housing, but she doesnt live here. and she basically kicked me out because I stopped ignoring my ex. I know she loves me, but I feel hurt by her reaction. mind you, she's an addict. and I am certain she called me high. anyway, I forgave her and tried to make a mends and talk to her like an adult. She refuses and accused me of using her. smh. i feel like im in the twilight zone. idk what to do. she wont talk to me. she wont tell me why she's mad. her behavior is stressing me out. my children and I have nowhere to go. she knows everything iam going through with my kids.. why is she doing this to me?
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Old 12-15-2013, 06:37 AM
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Maelee, this is not a failure, it's a temporary relapse. Sometimes it takes more than on try to let go of our addiction to an unhealthy relationship. It doesn't sound like your mother is a very good support system. You might get more out of a face to face meeting.
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Old 12-15-2013, 09:06 AM
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I think I look at this from another point of view. You have serious codependent issues with this guy. This guy is NOT good for your life and you are trying to get help to work on YOU and letting go of him. Your mom jeopardize her section 8 by allowing you snd your children to have a place to live. As you mentioned she was cheering you on, supporting your decision to better and get him out of your life.

Now your allowing him back in, sure it's just phone calls today and a few visits with his son but you have begun that ball rolling again in this short period of time. It's as if you haven't really given yourself much time and now he's back.

Whether your mother is using again or not, she wants what is best for you and this guy is not what's best.

You can't help someone who isn't willing to fully help themselves. Your mom is not going to enable you to continue to make bad decisions, so she's pulling her help away.

Have a face to face and try and see things from her side of the street.
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Old 12-15-2013, 03:28 PM
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You're absolutely right atalose. That's exactly how I feel. I am aware of all of what
you wrote. My problem is, Idk what to do about it. I already feel like crap because of it. Now what do I do? She asked me, my children, & little brother to stay here because she can't afford the rent with no income. If it we'rent for her, I wouldn't have this place, & if it weren't for us, she wouldn't have it either. Iam very grateful, I just didn't expect her to react so angry. Idk. I guess i expected her to understand & help me on getting back on track. I've remained respectful to her, as God says, & asked to talk to her face to face...but she refuses. When I seen her face to face, she acted like nothing ever happened & she didn't know whet I was talkng about. Got drunk & left....her problem was him being over here at first. But he's never really over here. The only time he comes is to meet other family members over here, as he is still conneted to them. Even after I made him leave. Anywho, I tried explaining that to her, but she still won't talk to me about it.
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Old 12-15-2013, 05:54 PM
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I guess i expected her to understand & help me on getting back on track.

She asked me, my children, & little brother to stay here


It sounds like she DID try to help you get back on track??? if you were THAT upset/worried about her using, then you would not allow her to be your landlord. did you sign a rental agreement?

I spent most of my time, worrying about his issues and losing sight of my children's issues.

^^this is the real crux of the matter. and this you can fix. get your priorities straight. work on getting your feet under you and being independent. do what is best for your children and ALL will be well.
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Old 12-15-2013, 06:20 PM
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Iam on the lease, my children & I. Prior to this incident, I talked to her about me leaving eventually & being more independent. She replied asking me if I wanted to be head if household & that she didn't want me to leave. I told her that I wasn't sure & I'd let her know. So idk. As for my ex... I meant that I spent more time & energy trying to leave him alone then I do when he's around. That leads me to believe that me leaving him alone was more about him & not me. I need to shift my focus of seperation on me, & my emotional health. However, that isn't my truth right now. I want it to be. But it isnt. Ugh. Am I making any since? Anywho. Thanx to everyone that have helped. Your opinions are honest & helping me see this for what it really is.I'm not there yet. But I will be. Pray for me. It's gonna be a long road.
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Old 12-15-2013, 06:34 PM
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Separating from your ex might take a little emotional energy at first, but I can't imagine how in the long run keeping a man around who is a gambling, sex, and meth addict (as you described him in an earlier post) would be better for your children than getting him out of your life?
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Old 12-15-2013, 06:45 PM
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Jjj111. Yes it is. I agree 100% with you. I am weak right now. Idk how to gain control bck. Any suggestions?
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Old 12-15-2013, 06:55 PM
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take failure and weak out of your vocabulary. how we describe ourselves is how we will be. you are as strong as you truly deep down want to be. an addict has nothing good to offer....

you have a sick child (I presume from the hospital reference). another with court issues. you have your own financial situation to straighten out. that is really quite enough to deal with. keep it simple. don't invite chaos. back straight, chest out, left right repeat. onward you go to a better life.
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Old 12-15-2013, 07:02 PM
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No contact is what worked for me with my cocaine addict ex. No phone calls, emails, texts, skype, NO contact.
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Old 12-15-2013, 08:08 PM
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AnvilheadII, amen! That was spot on. Ty. I am going to go bck to no contact. *sigh, wish me luck.
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