Just Told My BF/BFF We Need To Be Apart
 

Trying not to have a nervous breakdown, because I don't have many friends and I've never had a connection to someone like this. We've been trying to make a relationship work for years, with difficulty due to his anxiety disorders/phobias and distance. He was clean for three years and has relapsed three times in the last year. This current relapse has been going on for almost two months. I know he has the desire to get treatment for both psych and drug issues, but isn't doing what he needs to do, and has been sabotaging himself and dragging his feet for years on getting the proper care and finding professionals that want to do more than write another prescription. I've tried to help by encouraging, not lecturing, holding accountable for excuses, finding treatment centers and professionals that will take his insurance, listening . . . and it's not going anywhere. This is killing me, but I think our situation, stalled as it was, was too comfortable for him and I'm holding him back by just being around. I hope to hell this was the right choice, but for someone like me who I think was in a codependent situation (from what I've read it seems to fit), it was the only thing to do. I told him I hoped it would help him decide what he wanted. This was the right thing to do - right? Right?? I can't imagine not being able to talk to him at the drop of a hat. I'm afraid I'm going to break down and contact him. ohgodohgodohgod

Hiya Doberfiend .

I'm glad you have reached out to us . There would be a lot of people here in a similar situation to you.

Thanks for posting someone will be along with some good advice shortly xx

My heart is with you - you *can* and *are* doing this. Broken hearts do heal but it just takes a lot of time. I'm glad you are here. :hug:

Thanks for the quick replies, I don't have anyone else I can really talk to about this. Trying to be clinical and stoic . . . I get easily anxious and depressed too so maybe it'll be easier if I keep the tears under wraps.

Doberfiend , talk to us , there is always someone to listen and yeah we have had our fair share of tears here.

Nothing we cant help you with xx

I don't get close to people. It scares me that the one person I have become really close to in life, the one I could completely be myself around is the one I have to cut off. The anonymity of forums lets me go through the paces of venting in a way that I can't in person, but it feels hollow in comparison to what we had. I'm afraid that this is over for good...or worse, that if it is, I'll never have that same connection to another human being. I've tried before, but other people tend to just fade in and out. I hope he'll do what it takes to get better without me, but if this doesn't work I don't have much hope.

Doberfriend, I feel for you, and admire your strength in doing what needed to be done. I hope your BF finds the help he needs, but please look forward in your own life and don't count on him for your happiness.

Some great resources on this site. The one about '10 Ways an Addict is Full of Crap', especially the last bit about Love vs Toxic Love really spoke to me.
It also helped me feel better about the no contact. If we're ever going to have an actual, healthy relationship then growing more independent and focusing on my own future is essential. No wonder the 'supportive environment' I was trying to create wasn't working. I told him I'd be on the other side of recovery if he was ready to work on us then. I hope that was the right thing to say. If it wasn't, well, I can't let myself keep going back to explain things.

Doberfiend, when I was dating a cocaine addict, it actually *caused* me to become socially isolated, because I was embarrassed by the problems he was causing and by the things I was letting slide. You might find that it's easier for you to make new friends without him in your life.

There may be an element of that, but I've always been introverted since I was a small child. I like having just a couple intimate friends, and until recently that's what I had. People either tire me out or don't interest me. It would be good practice to invest in some new relationships though, or at least become involved in activities that include other people. I took jiu-jitsu last year, but the instructor turned into a creeper and I haven't gone back.

I'm still having doubts about whether I did the right thing . . . maybe I should've tried to talk to him more about the unhealthy dependencies in our relationship before cutting contact. I wanted to have a good talk before parting, but he told me to 'just go', so I did. I guess I was afraid, too, that if I tried to keep talking and reasoning that I would lose the opportunity to free us both.

He just called me and is very angry and hurt about the 'no contact', he said he felt like I was just waiting for him to be 'prettied up enough' to have around and that his best friend had abandoned him. He also said that he's only on methadone and weed now and under a dr's care. I think his emotions are genuine enough, and that he believes he's trying his best . . . but I just don't know. I think if we go back to 'normal mode' then we'll end up in the same cycle - he'll finish his methadone, be ok for awhile, miss a dr appt, then another, finally end up seeing his psych and because he hates doctors (with a passion) will get in and out with the same old prescription and no real answers with a "well at least I went" kind of attitude. And all the while I'll be pleading and reminding and getting resentful. That's my prediction anyways. On the other hand, if he's taking steps to at least get his addiction treated, I want to encourage that progress. Would it be prudent to stay with the no contact for awhile longer, or negotiate some kind of 'detached contact' (for my sake, at least) with some clear expectations (e.g. attend outpatient treatment, make and keep dr appts)?

There is something here about the three C's: I didn't Cause it. I can't Cure it. I can't Control it. That probably means you can't encourage his recovery either. It's all on him. ALL.

I vote no contact. His actions will prove soon enough where his mind is regarding his addiction.