Blogs


Notices

Gf and I broke up Thursday shortly after her relapse

Old 12-11-2013, 01:21 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 7
Gf and I broke up Thursday shortly after her relapse

My gf of 4 months and I broke up. She went to rehab for all of sept. after living with me for a month. She stayed with her parents for 3 weeks and then moved into a recovery house back around me. She then relapsed after 3 weeks in the house and was kicked out for 5 days. I spent the majority of those days trying to track her down and on the third day paid for a hotel room for her to detox in where I provided as much help as possible. She continued to binge for 2 more days before being allowed back in the house which consisted of overdosing twice. I've been paying the majority of her rent since she initially moved in and I've been buying her groceries and basically paying for everything. She dug herself into a money pit and I'm trying to help her out of it. After 1 month of being clean again she broke up with me 6 days ago and said that she needs to focus 100% on recovery. I fully understand that and I'm respecting it while still continuing to pay her rent. I'm just confused and upset about it. She doesn't want me out of her life and said that this doesn't mean anything about the future. She aid she feels bad that I've been paying for all of this and that she can't contribute anything back to me. My response was I don't mind taking the back seat to her sobriety and I will continue to help any way possible ( I.e. financially). I know that this is very important and I'm fine with it, I'm just hurting a lot and I don't know what to do. I hope all is well with her and as long as she doesn't die then I'm okay with all of this, I just hope she realizes how much I care and I hope that when she sorts this all out that we can get back together. Any input? Especially women would be great.
Macallister is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Macallister For This Useful Post:
Vale (12-13-2013)
Old 12-11-2013, 01:50 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Engineer Things; LOVE People
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,712
Let me 'splain.

A's are Users.

They Use Alcohol, they Use Drugs, they Use Things, they Use People.

You are being Used by . . . a User.

When you wish to stop being used, you can be done.

Do you know about Alanon or Naranon?
Hammer is offline  
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to Hammer For This Useful Post:
doggonecarl (12-11-2013), HealingWillCome (12-15-2013), hooklinensinker (12-11-2013), Lily1918 (12-11-2013), overit263 (12-11-2013), Twofish (12-11-2013), Txhelp (12-11-2013), Vale (12-13-2013)
Old 12-11-2013, 01:56 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Canine Welfare Advocate
 
doggonecarl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,759
Blog Entries: 22
Originally Posted by Macallister View Post
After 1 month of being clean again she broke up with me 6 days ago and said that she needs to focus 100% on recovery.
Seeing how your first post here on SR was about your own recovery from substance abuse, seems to me you both would benefit from stepping back and focusing on your own recovery.
doggonecarl is online now  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to doggonecarl For This Useful Post:
HealingWillCome (12-15-2013), Lily1918 (12-11-2013), Vale (12-13-2013)
Old 12-11-2013, 02:09 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Engineer, Guitarist, Golfer
 
zoso77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,381
Blog Entries: 5
I just hope she realizes how much I care and I hope that when she sorts this all out that we can get back together. Any input?
Are you sure you want my input?
zoso77 is offline  
Old 12-11-2013, 02:16 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
AnvilheadII's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,590
four MONTHS? all this hoohaw transpired in four itty bitty months? you moved her in, paid for everything, she's bounced around rehab, her folks, a recovery house, your place and all the while binging her guts out??? you really want all that back?

i'd ask myself WHY. you can't buy love and affection. doing everything for someone else won't get you anything but broke and disappointed. she's right, she does need to focus on her recovery 100% and i hope she does......but so do you.
AnvilheadII is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to AnvilheadII For This Useful Post:
doggonecarl (12-12-2013), HightSublime (12-15-2013), overit263 (12-11-2013), Vale (12-13-2013)
Old 12-11-2013, 02:32 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Engineer, Guitarist, Golfer
 
zoso77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,381
Blog Entries: 5
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
four MONTHS? all this hoohaw transpired in four itty bitty months? you moved her in, paid for everything, she's bounced around rehab, her folks, a recovery house, your place and all the while binging her guts out??? you really want all that back?

i'd ask myself WHY. you can't buy love and affection. doing everything for someone else won't get you anything but broke and disappointed. she's right, she does need to focus on her recovery 100% and i hope she does......but so do you.
Macallister,

AnvilHead knocks it out of the park with her response. She often does.

I can empathize with the fact you're heartbroken. But I have to wonder what motivates your actions. You've taken on a tremendous amount of responsibility for someone you frankly don't know. And trust me, you don't know the real her, the person that's buried underneath the drugs. What you should judge a person by is their actions. And from the outside looking in, I can tell you she just gave you an early Xmas present by ending things.

Of course, it doesn't feel that way to you right now, and I get that.

I encourage you to read our sticky notes. Knowledge in situations such as yours is power. And you need to start making better decisions for yourself.

Welcome to the Board.

ZoSo
zoso77 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to zoso77 For This Useful Post:
overit263 (12-12-2013), Vale (12-13-2013)
Old 12-11-2013, 03:00 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Macallister, welcome to the board. I'm really sorry for the angst you are obviously feeling. Many of us have tried to "save" or "help" the addicts in our lives. Many of us have learned the hard way that sometimes our best intentions can actually harm them. As long as you are willing to cover her rent, buy her food, whatever else you may be doing...SHE doesn't have to accept responsiblity for herself or her recovery. I had to finally....after a loooooooong time....come to the conclusion that I would no longer do for ANYONE anything that they are capable of doing for themselves. I think it subconsciously degrades them, makes them think even we think they are incapable. With all the concern in my heart I would suggest you let her know you will pay her rent through the end of this month but beyond that you cannot accept or absorb that type of responsibility on her behalf. Let her know you are comfortable with giving her the space she needs and that you understand recovery should be HER number one priority...but it needn't be YOURS. Her recovery belongs solely to her. Obviously you care very much for the person you think she is. But watch actions vs. words. Give her the space to take responsibility for her recovery. Be part of her solution...which means encouraging her and reminding her she is capable of so much more. Best of luck to you....we ALL understand exactly where you are right this moment. If I could push rewind....I would have done things much differently.
lizwig is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to lizwig For This Useful Post:
anotherfool (12-11-2013), overit263 (12-12-2013), Tinks65 (12-11-2013), Vale (12-13-2013)
Old 12-11-2013, 07:54 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 7
Thanks a lot lizwig. You're obviously a very empathetic person. I appreciate everyone's posts. While we have only dated for 4 months, I forgot to mention that we've been very good friends for years, and she has had over a year of sobriety in the past. So I have the confidence that she can and hopefully will again. I have to help her both on a conscience level and because she is in the hole close to $1,000 and if she doesn't start to climb out of this hole as quickly as possible, she will be homeless and from there, there is no way she won't start using again. I'm upset, but I'm mainly concerned with her not dying which as you all know is the worst of all possible outcomes.
Macallister is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Macallister For This Useful Post:
Vale (12-13-2013)
Old 12-11-2013, 08:19 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Shes in debt why? Why must you rescue her!
Txhelp is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Txhelp For This Useful Post:
Vale (12-13-2013)
Old 12-12-2013, 12:05 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 425
She needs to deal with her debts. Not your problem and you shouldn't bandaid stuff for her
overit263 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to overit263 For This Useful Post:
Vale (12-13-2013)
Old 12-12-2013, 12:26 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Engineer Things; LOVE People
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,712
The more you cripple, er ah, "help" her, the more crippled she will become.

Why does crippling her make you feel better?
Hammer is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Hammer For This Useful Post:
anotherfool (12-12-2013), overit263 (12-12-2013), Vale (12-13-2013)
Old 12-12-2013, 02:34 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
AnvilheadII's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,590
because she is in the hole close to $1,000

seriously? you really wanna bail somebody out, i'm available. i have about $20k in student loans (for my daughter), i owe about $300k on my house, and i'm carrying around $20k in credit card debt.

don't make her problems your problems. WHY? because they aren't YOURS. her debts. her business. her addiction. her business.

why do you feel so COMPELLED to clean up somebody else's messes? it seems that by doing so, by coming in and attempting to control her life for her, things became much much worse. they say we didn't CAUSE it, and we can't CURE it, and we can't CONTROL it, but we sure as hell can CONTRIBUTE to the madness.
AnvilheadII is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to AnvilheadII For This Useful Post:
overit263 (12-12-2013), Vale (12-13-2013), zoso77 (12-12-2013)
Old 12-12-2013, 02:51 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Vale's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 2,279
>>>>>>>with her not dying which as you all know is the worst of all possible outcomes. <<<<<<<

With all due respect, and with direct experience in this-----I state from
experience that it is NOT the worst possible outcome.

Time and time again we are told:Only 3 ways out of addiction,
back to life, living death (addiction),or hard down.

With SR's help, I chose option 4. This ISN'T my life (it's hers),
this ISN'T my responsibility (it's hers), and I CHOOSE as an intelligent
sentient being to egress from this (guaranteed) no win scenario.

My problem was never her. My problem was in the mirror. SR helped
me to see that.....a fact for which I am FOREVER grateful.

(but if you have some extra money after paying Anvil...I could 'help'
make carrying all that money less burdensome!......'just 'sayin!)
Vale is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Vale For This Useful Post:
anotherfool (12-12-2013), overit263 (12-12-2013), zoso77 (12-12-2013)
Old 12-12-2013, 02:56 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 65
I helped my A as much as I could. Let her stay with me (rent free), got her a job, drove her to work, protected all her dirty little secrets, even pulled her car out of the ditch when she drove it through a fence after a night of drinking. I was kind, caring and compassionate.

While she lied, cheated, and stole from me. And then went back to using. And her ex.

Boy, was I ever helpful. It's a good thing I was around, to help her get her life back on track...otherwise......oh wait, nothing changed for her.

Good luck with your project.
anotherfool is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to anotherfool For This Useful Post:
AnvilheadII (12-12-2013), HealingWillCome (12-15-2013), overit263 (12-12-2013), theotherhalf (12-12-2013), Vale (12-13-2013), zoso77 (12-12-2013)
Old 12-15-2013, 09:10 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Daughter of Recovering Addict
 
HightSublime's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Nashville, TN
Posts: 15
With all due respect, you can't make her problems your problems. I understand when you care for someone it is hard to disconnect but I think that is what you need to do.

Either way, good luck.
HightSublime is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to HightSublime For This Useful Post:
overit263 (12-15-2013), Vale (12-16-2013)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:57 PM.