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RAD could be home after court today-petrified!

Old 12-11-2013, 05:41 PM
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I feel for you. Your daughter's story seems similar to that of my stepdaughter. My stepdaughter is now 24, but looks much older than that. Years of "help" from family members did not stop her from using drugs. My experience is it is best to not provide a soft landing--no court costs or fees.

I hope you do what you can to take care of yourself. Your high blood pressure is scary. Think of the analogy of being on the airplane--you have to put on your own oxygen mask before you help somebody else put on theirs.
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Old 12-11-2013, 06:10 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
what is the 13 yr old learning here?
This x100
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Old 12-11-2013, 09:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Upsetnneedhelp View Post
jen, the fact that her lawyer advised her to take the short term jail sentence over the probation is interesting advise. But her lawyer probably seen many many addict quickly get re-arrested due to the nasty nature of drug addiction.
This is common advice. It gets the addict out of the system as quickly as possible. It is what AH decided to do. I understand that from an outside viewpoint it might seem like probation is the best route, but that isn't the case with most people. An addict needs to pursue recovery for themselves. Not to please the court. being on probation often times stirs up resentment and rebellion in an addicts heart. It is always most effective, imho, to pursue recovery because you want to, not because you have to.
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Old 12-12-2013, 08:23 AM
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Just to follow up, Jend, I liked this article on the Karpman drama triangle:

An Overview of the Drama Triangle
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Old 12-13-2013, 07:25 AM
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Good Morning Jend and SR, I've been away taking the older AD to a check up for that horrific accident she had in November, I also brought the younger RAD along, mistake. The appointment went well, she is healing, she should of died it was so bad. We saw the X-rays, I cried.
Then we went to the mall to return a computer case (that I had paid for $73 bucks) by the time I parked the car, she had returned the item and bought something else. Then the begging started. I just walked back to the car...I couldn't believe what these girls have done. It's been 5 months since I found out heroin was their mom, not me. They owe thousands and thousands of dollars, debt collectors calling, court dates to be at. They don't work, they don't do anything, but sleep, beg and complain. My heart doesn't see them as adults (19 & 22) but as my children, my babies that a mothers love can't break, my mind says to kick them to the curb. The 19 yr old RAD used my credit card to get gas in the car then proceeded to buy herself an expensive pair of shoes. The older one found out and feels entitled to a pair for herself. What's even is even mom, I said but I pay $105 a week for your Methadone? What about that? Then the complaining about the messy house, well it's their mess, I'm not a house keeper. They don't work, sleep til 1pm everyday. My 14yr old is neglected and left alone so much. It's his birthday in 3 days, I haven't even bought a card. Addiction also busted up my marriage, he comes around every two weeks, drinks his wine, complains and leaves again. I'm gonna crack soon, I feel so old and tired, my mind drifts off to a beach, I'm happy, warm and loved, then I hear yelling that there's no food they "like" in the fridge. I feel so old and alone.
I'm telling you this Jend, because you need to set up boundaries, rules for your daughter when she comes home, and stick to them. I thought I had this mess under control, but it unraveled very fast, without me even aware of it happening. A friendly warning, I have failed, but you Jend still have time. You're a strong mom, I used to be, don't let what has happened to me, happen to you. It's not all doom and gloom. Some days we smile and talk, but I don't want to talk about drugs anymore, I want to hear about their future or maybe a small, tiny "I'm sorry mom". It will never happen though. And yes I go to meetings (love them) and see a therapist. It helps to talk to a normal person and as always SR is here. Maybe I'm having another bad day, getting real sick of these "bad days".
Take care of yourself, be number one, don't allow some smart a$$ addict ripe your heart out.
Well, I better try to figure out this Xmas tree. Can't believe the holidays are almost here. Let us know what's up in your situation, we care, stay strong. TF
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Old 12-13-2013, 09:50 AM
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Tf..I am sorry to hear you so down. Gentle Hugs for you my friend. I believe both of your daughters are using you. Your daughter that was hurt is using her situation to manipulate you. You other is using your state of emoation to rob you emoationally and apparently both of them monetarily.

You know that Xmas tree you are putting up? How about putting the receipt from the shoes she STOLE your c/card for and wrap it up under the tree?! See this for what it is...stealing from you. TF...it is never too late my friend. Breathe...take it a day at a time. They have shown they are untrustworthy so protect your assets from them.

I am sorry TF and Jend that you are going through this. I cannot even imagine, my heart just hurts for both of you. You and your families are in my prayers.
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Old 12-13-2013, 10:20 AM
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Dear Hopeful4, Thank you so much for the support, I'm sure I'm speaking for Jend too. We both have a long, winding, confusing road ahead of us. People like you who offer support, in a nonjudgmental way, are the most beautiful, wanted, needed gift another person can give to the victims like Jend, me and the MANY other mommas who are desperate with getting their children back, safe and alive. Merry Christmas Hopeful4. TF
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Old 12-13-2013, 11:32 AM
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Twofish, don't they have any government type methadone clinics in your area? $105 a week is awful expensive. If she is resourceful enough to find heroin she should be able to find a cheaper methadone clinic.
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Old 12-13-2013, 05:22 PM
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(((TF))) I feel such a bond with you. Your sadness makes me want to cry (cuz I feel your pain). It is not too late. It's NEVER too late. They will make their own choices and decisions but it's not too late for you to reconnect with you...your inner spirt, your true self. So much of being the "momma" of an addict or just "momma" in general, drains us and leads us away from who we truly are, who we were meant to be and the things we are to accomplish here in this lifetime. (Again, as always, I'm telling you as I remind myself the same). They most definitely ARE manipulating you. I think the idea of the receipt under the tree is a great idea! I'm alone most of the time too. My husband works a lot and when he's not working, hunting, zoning, he's sleeping. It's mostly me and my 13 yo. She is my life, my saving grace, my sanity, my grounding force. I would be so lost and probably have given up a loooooong time ago if not for her. She is a wise, old soul. She is my miracle born 3 months premature, not expected to live. I watch in awe as she rides the horse, jumping, and galloping and remember the infant who needed therapy to learn how to suck, swallow and breathe at the same time. Twofish, please take a moment for yourself after you read this...just 5 minutes, to sit quiet and tune in to your inner self and tune everyone else out. You are worth it, I am worth it! We are trying so very, very hard to help the people we love. My son has not been home, not even for clothes. My daughter will be home on Thursday. Things will change drastically then. Christmas is usually my favorite time of year. I'm dreading it this year. Again, except for the 13yo. That's my focus. Especially since she is doing so well in school and applying herself. That in itself deserves a reward. (She's well rewarded lol). Hang in there and I will too. Don't let them walk all over you. (You will probably need to give this pep talk back to me next week when my daughter gets home haha). Have fun putting up the tree. The tree always makes me happy!
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Old 12-13-2013, 05:24 PM
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Jjj111 thank you for that link. I favorited it. There's a lot I'd like to keep going back to for reference. It's very informative and makes a lot of sense. Thank you so much for sharing that.
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Old 12-13-2013, 06:00 PM
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Jen and Twofish, my heart goes out to both of you. Jen I did not like the idea of my son moving back in either and he too has a lot of debt with creditors calling, etc. The manipulation and trying to wear you down is so draining. I find if I am calm and clloected and put my foot down and walk away he knows I am dead serious. I realize girls sometimes never know when to quit and will go on and on (my daughter always had to have the last word, even if it was a half hour later). You both need to sit down and set firm boundaries but stick to them. I know it is so hard when we see our beautiful children hurting but it is for their own good. Giving in only hurts and hinders their progress. Time for them to be responsible for themselves. Mine has a job. He only makes 10.00 an hour and works 32 hours but at least is is something. He is slowly saving up a little bit. I wish you both the best trying to get some peace for yourselves but holding firm on your boundaries as well. Yes, it is much harder on US but in the long run you will help them become self sufficient. Big hugs to both of you!
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Old 12-14-2013, 07:28 AM
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Jjj111... I found this so ironic as I read today's reading from "more language of letting go" by Melanie Beattie....check it out:

"Many years ago, I asked a fellow therapist what the one thing was that hallmarked the unhappy state of being many of us have come to label as codependency.
“It’s the Karpman Drama Triangle,” he said. “People rescue someone by doing something they don’t want to do, or it’s not their business to do. Then they get angry and persecute the person. Then they walk away, feeling like a victim. Again.”
A light went on in that moment. Like a gerbil on a wheel, I could see myself spinning around this triangle. I was regularly rescuing somebody, then getting angry, and ultimately feeling victimized by it all.
I was creating the pain and the drama in my life.
Over the years, I stopped rescuing alcoholics. Many of us have gotten off that painful wheel. We know we can’t control another person’s chemical dependency, depression, problems, or life. But we may have stepped off that wheel and gotten ourselves into another more subtle drama spin.
A friend recently cleaned out his entire house—closets, garage, drawers. He had to hire a truck to come and take everything away.
“I can’t believe everything I collected and hung onto,” he said. “Most of it was junk that I didn’t want in the first place. I guess that came from being poor and going without for so long. I convinced myself that if it was free or cheap, I’d better grab it and take it home.”
Many of us were survivors at one time. We either genuinely didn’t have a choice or convinced ourselves we didn’t. So we clung to whoever and whatever came along our path.
You may have survived what you went through, but you’re not a survivor anymore. There is no need to desperately cling to whatever comes along. You’re living now. You’re living fully and freely.
Choose what you want.
God, help me give myself permission to walk a path with heart."
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Old 12-14-2013, 07:41 AM
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Thanks for sharing that, Jend! It's funny, this passage really applies to me. I am a hoarder and have to force myself to purge my belongings periodically and try to resist the urge to collect things to make myself feel secure! I've only read Codependent No More, but I will have to get Melody Beattie's other books. Hugs!
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Old 12-14-2013, 10:19 AM
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Originally Posted by jjj111 View Post
Thanks for sharing that, Jend! It's funny, this passage really applies to me. I am a hoarder and have to force myself to purge my belongings periodically and try to resist the urge to collect things to make myself feel secure! I've only read Codependent No More, but I will have to get Melody Beattie's other books. Hugs!
I am too!
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Old 12-14-2013, 12:11 PM
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Thanks for sharing....
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Old 12-16-2013, 09:43 PM
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Hi Jen, Not sure you're still up reading posts or not. I was thinking of you this afternoon as my drama in the mall was unfolding. It broke this momas heart, again. Anyway, is your daughter home yet? I wasn't sure if she was home yet or if she was coming home on Thursday. Got your lists of boundaries and rules all memorized and written down on stickie paper plastered all over the house?? I wish I would of taken the warnings more seriously or realistically before my two ADs came home, or was more educated on recovery, AV, manipulation, relaspe, etc. not that I didn't listen, I did, I just thought I could "fix" them and make them well. That didn't happen, in fact they seem worse. I really don't like the word fix anymore when it comes to addiction. I know, I know, everyone, I can't fix it, but as a newbie, I thought I knew it all, if only Dee would of grabbed me and shook the he!! Out of me, made me write it down 10,000 times, YOU CAN'T FIX THEM, plus all the other advice I was so graciously given....if only. Well it's water under the bridge for me, I have learned the hard way from my "fixing", but for the newbies like me, listen and take the advice of the mommas and others, in recovery or sober, the theme is always the same. Let us know how the homecoming/reunion goes, I will be praying extra hard and faithfully for your family and all of the SR families going thru the nightmare of addiction, recovery and the golden gate of sobriety. Take care, TF. PS Finally got the tree put together, my son, so sweet, figured it out!!
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Old 12-17-2013, 03:15 AM
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Thanks. She's not home until Thursday. I'm nervous just feeling like here we go again. She's very excited. Really wants to be clean (I've heard before so I'm not easily appeased). So it will just be one day at a time.

My son is a whole other story. I wonder if I should just start a new thread about him. He's still out of the house. My hubby offered him to be able to come back but he has to change the way he's been living ie: using, hustling etc. he said he has to think about it and get back to us. Seriously? And then in the same breath he says he's not using. But he spoke to my Rad on the phone and told her he was thinking about rehab. My hubby tends to believe this sh$t when it comes out of his mouth, forgetting that with a positive drug test in my hand the kid said I'm not using! Really? Hubby trying hard, but there's still an element of denial. It's frustrating. I'm just letting it play out.it is what it is.
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Old 12-17-2013, 04:22 AM
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Hey Jend, Well I've been up all night, worrying about things I cannot fix or change. Why did i do that? I kept wondering why or what was the trigger that turned my children so much against authority? Hummm...and what was the trigger that turned my love for them away and into a different direction? Does that make sense? If we take the drugs out of the picture, what is left? Emotions (raw), control, self esteem, again things I cannot fix or change? They used to be perfect, in my eyes only, now the arguing, lying and steeling have
entered the picture.
It's almost like they are gone, lost forever to me and the family. What is left is only their bodies, bodies that they have abused this past year or so.
Today, again, I will try to stay calm and not get baited, like a fish in a shallow pond. No more Mrs. Mom I'm afraid. Yesterday afternoon was proof of that. I'm not gonna be mean, but I will be firm and consistent, like I should of been last been last night and all along.
.
.
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Old 12-17-2013, 06:15 AM
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So much easier said than done. Praying for both of you! I try every day to be stricter and better with my enabling and it seems to be working. All you can do is try to do a better job every day. It is a learning process!
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