nnn

Hi.

I know there's a hundred and one thread on this forum about boyfriends and alcoholism, excuse me for making a new one.
But please hear me out, I'm in a relationship with this really amazing guy, but after a tragic event happened to him, he started abusing alcohol way more than just going out for a drink with his friends. I have been trying to talk to him about it, but he refuses to, I've asked him to talk to a friend he's close to, but he went on about he doesn't need to talk about it.
We have never had problems before, but after this, he sometimes comes home drunk, saying all this wonderful things about me, but minutes later he changes and goes into rants about how I don't love him, etc...
Thank you for your help...

jjj111

nnn, I'm sorry you're in such a painful situation. It sounds like he has been pretty clear that he does not want to seek help for his drinking problem. Do you want to stay with him if he continues to behave the way he has been behaving?

Ruby2

Hi NNN,

Don't apologize for posting. Sounds like you are in a tough spot. If your boyfriend cannot stop drinking and is, in fact addicted to the alcohol, it is not likely that he will listen to your concerns or talk to his friend. He will continue to drink. My husband does junk like that when he is drinking...all "you are the most wonderful person on earth" one minute and ranting and paranoid the next. It seems pretty typical.

If your boyfriend continues to drink this will likely get worse. If he shows no interest in stopping the alcohol you will have to figure out what you want to happen with your relationship.

I have only started posting within the last couple of months so I am no expert. I would ask if your boyfriend is only abusing alcohol or if he is addicted to or using anything else? The reason I ask is because there is a whole forum for family and friends of alcoholics as well as this forum. I post on both because my husband is an alcoholic and a crack addict. In reading and through my own experience there are some differences in dealing with an alcoholic only versus someone with a dual addiction to drugs and alcohol. We all still experience pain though, regardless of whatever the drug of choice is. But if your boyfriend is alcohol only I would also suggest popping over to the other thread as well for insight.

Certainly read as much as you can to learn about alcoholism and come here for support. There is a lot of it on here.

Hawkeye13

Yes, I'm afraid I have to agree with Ruby2.
I've been through this more than once.
In my experience with several exboyfriends who drank to deal with past trauma,
The drinking and nasty words will simply get nastier and happen more
if you stay with this person and they don't actively seek recovery.

It is of course your choice to stay involved with someone who treats you like that
but don't think that just because he is a wonderful person when he is not drinking
that you will see that person the most as time goes on.
Chances are, the "mean guy" will come out more and more, especially when you don't
do anything to stop the situation.

I know it hurts and I wish I could be more hopeful, but it may be better to get some space
at least until he actively quits drinking and is in recovery for at least 6 months or a year.
I know that sounds like forever, but it is your life and you have a right
to be treated with respect and kindness--the same way you treat him.
This forum can really help too.

Needbotox

I can relate in some way.i was seeing my boyfriend for over a year and had no idea he had a drink problem.then one weekend he just went missing.he wouldn't answer his phone or texts.he was gone for nearly three weeks .i had actually though the was dead .i ended up getting a blood clot due to the stress.he came back and got treatment.he goes to two meetings a week.i am not going to lie and say its all been easy since.i think alcoholics are a very complex makeup .i am in the process of finding local al anon meeting for myself to attend.he dosent approve if me going.it won't stop me.if anything ive learned its to be independent.

EnglishGarden

Alcohol abuse and alcoholism are two different things, and if you are newly in relationship, it may be difficult to determine whether you are with an alcoholic or with someone who drinks a lot but is not psychologically and physically addicted. With addiction, there is an uncontrollable compulsion to drink. There may be times of sobriety--days, weeks, months, even a year or more--but without treatment the alcoholic will resume the pattern of compulsive drinking, out-of-control behavior, and abuse of those closest to him. Alcohol will create problems in the love life, family life, job, with the law, and health problems such as pancreatitis and liver disease. Someone who just gets drunk from time to time will not have the progressive, ongoing life problems associated with alcohol that an alcoholic experiences, and will not exhibit out-of-control drinking ( as in "I will have only two drinks tonight" and ends up drinking an entire bottle, or someone who has started to try to control his uncontrollable drinking by measuring out how many he takes, deciding he will get drunk "only on Thursdays" but it turns out to be Monday through Friday, interspersing club soda between drinks in an attempt to control how much he drinks, or who hangs with people who apparently drink more than he does so he seems normal by comparison).

What happens with an alcoholic is the mind-bending effect on the alcoholic's partner. You will live in a state of ongoing dread, uncertainty about what is real and what is a lie, loss of self-confidence, denial of the real reason bad things are happening (alcoholism), and a perverse need to stick with the alcoholic in spite of the fact that you are being emotionally abused.

This forum can help you keep your eyes open, but we can be pretty good at deluding ourselves when with someone in active addiction. A relationship with anyone in active addiction is a dangerous place to be.

Needbotox

I'm new to this so excuse me if its all over the place.my boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic.just over a year ago (we were a year together at the time.he went missing for nearly 3 weeks.that was the first time i realised he had a problem .he eventually came back after living on the streets while he was missing.i thought he was dead.since then he has been going to meetings.nor all the time there are times where he has told me he is at a meeting and I know he is n the pub.anyway he has been working on a construction site and their Xmas party was coming up.he told me it was men only and he would meet me later n the nite.i said ok.even though I knew he didn't want me to go because he kept trying to pick fights in the run up to it.anyway it was last nite .he text me to see where I was I told him i was on way.he came out n I said ate we going in for a drink ?he said no we go somewhere else.i said why?he said because its all guys in there n u wouldn't fit in.i said its ok we don't have to go for drink we go home.i went to give him a kiss and he moved away .said ur trying to catch me out.i said how?to see if ive taken drink or drugs.i said no I'm not .he then began behaving very aggressive and irratic towards me.insisting we go in to pub i got upset and said i didn't want to .he scared me.i don't know if he took something or had a drink.but he didnt sleep much and was very twitchy all nite.i don't know am i going out with someone who is dual addicted or what?im really upset and confused by the whole thing.any advice please😉