Aubrey10

I've known the addict that was once in my life for about 15 years. We dated in our early 20's when he was in the military and introduced to me by his sister, which was one of my great friends back then. He was not an addict then, actually he was extremely responsible, kind, caring, handsome and was really against drugs. Had he not been stationed overseas, I think we might have gone on to be married. I was young and decided I didn't want to wait for him, so we both moved on with our lives. When he came back a few years later I had begun a new relationship and he started to get into meth. I didn't realize how bad it was until someone told me he was homeless and living in a tent in his Mom's backyard. I was shocked because the guy I once knew seemed to fade away.

I moved and we lost contact, but he was always in the back of my mind and I always wondered if he was ok and had stopped using drugs. I finally found him on FB about 6 months ago, it had been 15 years since we had talked. I messaged him just to say hi and see how he was. I asked the painful question about him still using meth, and he replied with a yes. I was shocked he was even still alive. Of course still living in his Mom's backyard, only he built some sort of apartment onto her house. He had been living there all those years, and she is one of his biggest enablers. I talked to him about rehab and he said he had tried to get himself help a few years prior but gave up. I asked if he'd still consider it, and he said that he did want help for himself but he was so scared and isolated.

He no longer had any sober friends and really noone that cared about him. He called about treatment and got put on a waiting list for rehab through the Va and was serious about moving forward. I offered to take him to rehab when it was time for him to go. The day I picked him up I was stunned by the way he was living, his Mom's backyard was accumulated with 15 years worth of junk that he aquired through "dumpster diving." There was trash everywhere!!!! His Mom's backyard could have been featured on the show Hoarders. I was just glad to get him out of that hell hole and into treatment.

He had a rough go at treatment for the first week as he had been using straight for 15 years, but he eventually got used to the structure it provided. We stayed in contact and he talked about us being together after he became sober. I thought about it, but knew it would take him quite some time before he could even consider a relationship, but I still cared about him so much.

He finally graduated from rehab after 40 days and decided that he could never go back to the city he used in, so we talked about him coming to where I lived and doing his outpatient after care here. I was pretty leary about the whole thing and didn't want to make that big of a commitment to someone that has only had a little over a month of sobriety. So he came to visit me for a few days, and within those few days of him being out of the treatment facility he wanted to relapse. His behavior had changed dramatically when he got to my house and he started acting strange, trying to start fights with me and, he eventually wanted to go back home. I got ahold of his sponser that he blew off. With his help and his other friend's help he decided he should go back into treatment; that he wasn't quite ready and needed more treatment, and be back in that structured environment.

He didn't relapse luckily, it was a close call. So he's been back in rehab the last few weeks. He thanked me for being there for him again, but his actions speak louder than his words. Since we have been talking and he is in recovery, he seems no different then if he was in active addiction. He is rude and angry towards me over the phone if I don't say just the right thing or coddle him. Finally on Thanksgiving I said something he didn't like and he hung up on me and shut his phone off. After him doing this to me numerous times, I texted him and told him, I thought it was better we no longer talk anymore, as his actions are causing me too much pain, and that he never tries to change things.

I am truly sad that we got back in touch after 15 years only to say good bye again but they say everything happens for a reason, and maybe my reason for being back in his life was to help get him to treatment. Idk it just truly hurts and it's so sad because he doesn't seem at all like the guy I used to know. I really don't know who he is at this point, as the addiction has changed him into someone so different. Even being 2 1/2 months sober he still acts like he is using. I hate to say this, but it's almost as though he has brain damage from the long term meth use? He just acts very odd at times... I guess the whole story is bittersweet....so I am on day 11 with no contact having a very difficult time not seeing how he is doing, but I know I don't deserve to be treated this way.

Sorry that this is so long if you've read this far....it's definitely a crazy story...Meth is absolutely evil!!!!

Eddiebuckle

If he's been using meth for the past 15 years, it will take him far longer than 10 weeks to get back to whatever baseline he will have, I would guess a year at least. And yes, long term drug/alcohol abuse does permanently change the brain. Given your history as a couple all those years ago, it would seem better to keep your distance - he needs to work on his sobriety without the distraction of potential romantic relationships. Most folks in recovery suggest we avoid romantic relationships for the first year. But more importantly - as you noted - you deserve better. Give it a year and see whether you are both still interested.

allforcnm

All drugs are evil, but from what I have read Meth is one of the most evil. Sorry for what you are going through; it is a bittersweet story - I definitely believe God often works through people, so maybe your reconnecting was for a purpose, a moment in time, to help a friend from the past. The way things stand right now I think your making the best decision for yourself; you don't deserve to be treated in such a way where your life is turned upside down. I think you hit the nail on the head - addiction is a disease, and it does cause changes in the brain; the chemicals and the actual circuitry of the brain itself.

We had another person post a few days ago asking questions about meth, and very similar - she was asking how it affects the brain. Im going to provide a link to her thread for you: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...read-deal.html I posted on that thread and gave her a link to National Institute of Drug Abuse. If you go to that link, it will give you a full explanation of how the brain if affected, and there is actually an interesting example showing brain images while on Meth, and even 14 months later showing how the brain is still not back to normal...

When my husband was in early recover (pain meds, coke, Xanax) he went through ranges of emotions. He was in an inpatient rehab for three months, and his whole addictive phase was just over a year. So when you say your friend was using for 15years, and had a 40 day rehab... I would agree with you it wasn't long enough. The drugs have to leave the body, the brain takes time to recover, people have to learn to deal with their emotions, and live again without drugs as a buffer, and also treat any underlying issues... so he will likely have a ways to go before real stability sets in. Whatever you decide to do in regards to him in the future just remember to always look out for your own emotional well-being first, and I think you will be ok.

Aubrey10

Thanks for your input!

Yes I've heard that people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I often have thought God was using me to help him. I always regretted not staying with him when we were younger, but he wasn't enough of a "bad boy" back then. How ironic is that lol! I guess I always wondered about him throughout the years, and expected the same guy, just a little more rough around the edges, but that is an understatement!

He doesn't talk the same, think the same, is constantly paranoid, and overall just is really really different he had so much potential, and for it to be wasted is so sad...he knows that as well.

I have seen that brain image of how meth affects the brain...thanks for the link!

My counselor has helped a lot through this, she says that relapse is very high and sometimes takes many times to get it right. I just feel he truly is ungrateful and rude considering how much I have been there for him. All that I have asked for from him is a little kindness, and he can't even give me that.

Sounds like he has a long road ahead of him, and I keep asking myself if he is to relapse and go back to his old lifestyle do I really want to have to deal with that? Not to mention that the treatment place he is at is coed, and he wouldn't talk much about the women he is in there with, yet he was constantly talking about all his new guy friends.

allforcnm

Its that old thing about "be careful what we wish for".... lol

Im glad you had a counselor to help you navigate through some of this. When my husband became addicted (it was after an injury/surgeries/prescribed med) - I didn't know anything. Fortunately, when he got into rehab they gave me a therapist - I will forever be grateful for her help. What she told you was the same as I understand it. Often it takes many treatments to basically get addiction into remission. Realizing that fact, and the possibility of relapse down the road are serious things to think about. Our son was only a few months old when his dad went into rehab; it was scary not knowing how it would all play out. He has done well; right around 1.5 years now. He still works with a therapist on a regular basis to help him manage stress, keep up on the cognitive approaches he learned to deal with addiction. He never got involved with meetings or sponsors, but he needed the ongoing therapy. My husband carried a lot of shame, regret over his addiction just like your friend.

Hopefully while in rehab he is not focusing on women there; not the best time and place to be looking for love.... maybe he shares about the male friends he is making because they stick together to get/give each other support and encouragement.

Aubrey10

Exactly lol!!

Sounds like your husband is on the right road!

Well that was kind of the icing on the cake during our last conversation. He seemed quite secretive when I asked about the women that were in there. He is the type of guy that used to go from one relationship to the next to fill a void, and then that is when the meth came into the picture. He said meth filled a void for him so he didn't have to worry about anything including relationships.

Hopefully he will do the right thing....I guess I'm glad I no longer have to worry about him. I've done all that I can. The rest is up to him and God.