thestarxvii

My BF of almost 2 years recently started out patient rehab for opiate addiction. He's 1 month in, not sober. He said he has been getting subs off street, while he waits for sub script. He's still hanging with his user friends. They are from his childhood and has a deep connection to them. Although I know this is not a good idea, he won't listen.

My father is recently sober for 2 years after he was given a death sentence if he ever drank again. He had used alcohol for 20+ years, attempting rehab multiple times.

I don't under stand what my BF is going through physically and emotionally, but I have dealt with an addict for my whole life. I don't love the addict, I love the person, and have grown to not take everything personal.

Recently my BF has been pushing me away and last night we figured out its because his feelings of guilt for not giving me a life that I deserve.
He mentioned taking a step back and distance. Said he didn't want to, but it seemed like he was trying to get me to say "good idea!"

He said his clinician told him, "if you love her, you would break up with her, she shouldn't have to go through thus with you."

I understand what the clinician means but I don't see what's good about my BF cutting off the one friend that is sober.

I'm torn. I don't want him to look at me and constantly be feeling guilt, but i don't want us to abandon each other either.

is it really necessary? Or can we make it through?

zoso77

Welcome to the Board. My hope is you'll find both comfort and wisdom during your time here.

I would answer your question by pointing out that someone in active addiction is incapable of being a responsible partner in a romantic relationship. Where you already have experience with your father and his struggles, this shouldn't come as a complete surprise to you.

I would also encourage you to think about what is best for you, not the relationship. Right now, he has a pernicious effect on your well-being. Just because you love someone or care about someone doesn't mean you go down in flames with them.

Other members will be along to welcome you and share their wisdom. In the meantime, check out the sticky notes on our homepage. Knowledge is power, and the more you know, the better chance you'll have saving your sanity whether your ABF is in your life or not.

Hang in there, and let us know how you're doing.

ZoSo

Txhelp

I agree with zoso....learn about the disease through your reading alanon/naranon etc.

You really do have a one sided relationship with an active addict. I know with both of my young adult children and my husband..now in recovery.

Perhaps, since your fathers alcoholism is something you grew up with....that is what you know or your normal?? Are you getting your needs met? Are you trying to help him over and over with the same results?

So glad that you are here for support. We all need it!

thestarxvii

i've always made sure to take care of myself. we don't have a life intertwining relationship. no kids. own living arrangements.

it was "recreational" pills for the first year, didn't seem to be so mesmerized by the claw then everything went down hill when he invited H-user back into life. i was sick of watching him waste his life away, so i pushed him to quit using. then, i caught him buying H on his phone, & gave him an ultimatum.

after a month he realized he couldn't do it on his own and started rehab.

prior to rehab, he had always been affectionate, caring, and loving. i always suspected that was the drugs.

from what I have read here, i understand the message that an addict is unable to truly love another person - But why would my BF choose to end our relationship before relationships with his friends that use???

I would think to get them out of the way first.

thestarxvii

The absolute truth is that he needs help. I'm willing to do anything to get him there and make it easiest on him.

i do not want him out of my life, he doesn't do anything to me that is too horrible that he's dragging me down.

I'll always be ok, i've been through a lot of tragic upheavals in my life and understand you just have to keep moving.

is it really best for him to give him distance?
what does that even entail?
should we break up?
neither of us know what to do

Txhelp

That is just it....it's his friends that use are those that he will keep. He is not in recovery at all. He is living the life of an addict and his thoughts are his next fix...his friends are his allies at this point. You the non-addict are not....you get in the way of his fix.

It never makes sense to those who are sober.

Ruby2

"Just because you love someone or care about someone doesn't mean you go down in flames with them" Ditto on this comment. You can't save your BF regardless of how much you love him; no matter how much you support him. He has to make the decision for himself. And from what you wrote, it seems as if he has decided. You wrote that he is still hanging around the friends who use. Even though he may have deep connections from childhood this sounds like a cop out if he is serious about quitting.

You also said that he told you that he is buying subs on the street while waiting for a prescription but you can't know that for sure. If he is hanging out with user friends he is probably still using.

Lastly, this may sounds harsh but this statement stood out: "Recently my BF has been pushing me away and last night we figured out its because his feelings of guilt for not giving me a life that I deserve." This sounds like an excuse of your BF's to get you off his back so that he can continue to use without someone bugging him about it.

My husband, the crack addict, is always saying stuff like this to me. He feels guilty. He is sorry he is dragging me down. He isn't worthy of me. I should never have married him (and in retrospect, I should not have but that is water under the bridge at this point). He had a crappy childhood. His parents never loved him. There is always some deep seated emotional reason as to why he is using, why he feels guilty, why this time it will be different. It is mostly manipulation, designed to tug at my heart strings but with the ulterior motive of "quit bugging me, I want to use." He always promises to get clean and sober. He always promises that it will all work out. Meanwhile, he runs out the door and gets high.

I don't know your situation. These are things that I have experienced and seen. Your gut will most likely tell you whether he is trying to snow you or not if you really sit down and unemotionally examine all that is going on here. Take care of yourself. Try to distance yourself from him.

thestarxvii

so do you think he's using clinicians words as scape goat

thestarxvii

it does not make sense! real eye opener here. thank u!

Ruby2

Were you there when the clinician told him this or is this something your BF related to you? I am not saying that the clinician didn't say this but my husband twists things to his own benefit.

I am also concerned for you because of this..."he doesn't do anything to me that is too horrible that he's dragging me down." I know you love your BF. I love my husband. But are you accepting crumbs when you are worth more than that? As things progress with an active addict the definition of what is "too horrible" changes and I found myself accepting things that were truly horrible.

My husband hasn't used in a week. That is good. But I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. There is always hope in a relationship. None of us can tell you what is best for you. We can only provide support and our experiences.

thestarxvii

related..... but it seemed like maybe he could have really said it just the way he shifted gears so quickly and forced my BF to accept harsh reality that i'm not deserving of this bad behavior.

but you are right, it could all be a ruse to get me off his back to hang with users.

im def going to bring this up when we have a talk.
how should i put it?
he will prob lie and dump emotional guilt on me

here i was all last night and today thinking that he needed distance to get better.... now i'm feeling he needs distance to get worse

overit263

I was once where you are right now...and if I were talking to myself back then, I would tell myself that I was fooling myself. It does get worse, it is a progressive disease, and I, like you have alcoholic parents. My parents never will acknowledge that they have a problem, so you are lucky your dad has worked on it. But please please know that you, like me, chose an addicts because you have been around an alcoholic your whole life. Someone told me that before and I didn't want to hear it, well now I hear it loud and clear. Take the space. You, like myself thought I was well equipped to handle these kinds of situations. Let me tell you now that you will get sucked in and be used up. If you do love him, let him go to find his own recovery without your help.

Ruby2

When I was much younger I never understood the idea or concept of holding on loosely or if you love someone set them free. I have always tried to control the outcome of every relationship. after nbanging my head against the wall too many times I am understanding that a lot of my pain comes from my urges to fix manage and control things. you can certainly ask your BF but whether he tells the truth or not, you cannot control what he does. whether he actually does go to and successfully complete rehab or whether he chooses to continue to use. If he chooses rehab, great. If he chooses to continue using, believe me you do not want to go there. Ever. It is a dark and ugly place.

Txhelp

It is the most difficult thing to try to reason with the active addict.....you cannot. That's it. They can appear like they are hearing you....they can agree....they can promise. Ultimately, they go on using until they are ready to do something different.

KeepinItReal

He cannot love you more than drugs. You cannot love someone sober. If you stay you will always be 2nd. Either to his drugs or recovery.

It sounds like he needs space no matter the reason and was trying to let you down easy. That's a tough pill. I would urge you to do a lot more reading. Read the stickies.

gothbarbie

mine broke up with me when he went into rehab. It broke my heart into a kazillion pieces & I still have not heard a word from him in 4 months. He went back & forth alot on whether or not to stay in a relationship with me & it was very emotional. I still suffer from depression but I feel i am stronger than this & so are you! Just take it day by day hun, remember the road to hell is paved with good intentions

thestarxvii

i just re-read everyone's words. i feel so lucky to have found this site. i feel smarter than when i originally wrote this post. i see myself making excuses for him. hell a couple of days ago i had hope! that's all gone now. i'm so sick of choosing to be with an addict. there are some real stories on here about people who have been in it for the long haul with heavy ties to their addict(s) My heart is heavy for you all. i hope you have a good holiday. xo

gothbarbie

did he ever come back around after being apart for a few months

thestarxvii

we never broke up to the point of no contact. we haven't gone a full day without speaking to each other. ever.
we keep just talking about it and deciding "not yet" "still love each other"
but i've been fed up with his actions. were you ready to let go before no contact?

thestarxvii

as far as their actions go?

not, ready to let go of the love, that always feels like it will be there forever, and it usually is.