February13

i have been seeing a lot less of my AXBF lately but we went to have dinner with him tonight. Our daughter was very happy to see him and the visit was good.

He offered to go to the shopping centre together tomorrow.With a 3 year old in tow I doubt we'll get much done but get him a tv and a computer (his money).I know he'll kind of appreciate the help in choosing these.I might be able to point out the toys our girl wants but I think he could figure it out either way.

Here I am wondering what's in it for me.
Not that there needs to be anything in it for me.
It actually sounds kind of fun.
Maybe that's what's in it for me.

For most of our relationship i did all the grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning. I also took his vehicle to the shop and that kind of stuff. It felt like because he had money he didn't feel like he had to do things for me or us.No need to participate.I did what I did happily (I would volunteer to go run out of the way errands) but it always felt a little one way.Never mind that it's very hard for me to ask for what I need, he would refuse me really small favours: peeling me an orange while I was breastfeeding a tiny baby, putting lotion on my back,going to eat at my favourite restaurants (rather than his)...Last week our daughter had the flu and I asked if he could bring some milk and orange juice and he just said no (mind you it's quite a drive).

So why am I going along to help out?
I am even considering picking him up a christmas tree before going to meet him.
Why?
Is it the need to caretake? The habit of it?
Am I powerless over my caretaking habit?
Is this awareness? Aware that I am caretaking but can't help it?

At least I didn't cancel any activity to go with him (yes I would have in the past but not these days). We don't have anything scheduled tomorrow (we do most days).

I do feel like I am learning in Alanon but I feel like such a slow learner.

Oh... and meanwhile I did apply for a christmas hamper because I didn't know if he would come through for us either financially or any other way. Last year he called a few days before christmas to cancel our plans (i think he was pissed off that I had missed a few calls).

I probably should take a screenshot of this and delete it but I am going to post it because it's about my shortcomings.Not his (or not so much).
When I joined Alanon my best friend asked me why I did as the addict was in the wrong not me. But:
-I don't, in general,expect to be treated as an equal
-I have a hard time asking for what I need
-I put everyone's needs ahead of mine
-I apparently need to do things for others (caretake)
These are a few or my shortcomings.

One day I 'd like to: be able to clearly ask for what I need, expect to be treated
as equal by others,be able to put my own needs first. Maybe one day I won't
feel the strong urge to caretake...with the help of my higher power.

glitterdeva

I feel exactly the same way! It's like I know that what I do for AH is wrong. It is 100% enabling and caretaking with very little or nothing in return. It feels wrong, but like a puppet I still do it. At this point I am going to meetings, reading my literature, asking Higher Power to guide me through this, try to become a better mom to my kids and better human being in general. One day at the time, one step at the time out of this madness. We will get there one day!

suncatcher

Please know you are not alone. I too feel the need to caretake but I am learning to detach. I used to pick my ABF up at his dads house, bring him to my house then drive him back to his dads in the morning so he could drive to work. I was at his beck and call and felt like a puppet. We have been broke up for a year now and I moved an hour away to find myself and find some peace. I still see him sometimes and recently made the hour drive to pick him up which I posted about. It's hard to resist the urge to rescue and caretake but it sounds like you are getting there. I find reading the literature going to al anon and coming here helps. Be gentle with yourself and take it one day at a time. Many of us here have been there and are struggling with the same thing. Sending a hug and wishing you peace.

Chino

I just read this on facebook and it made me think of this thread:

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.” -Eric Roth

AnvilheadII

maybe one day is a wish.
TODAY is a reality.

One day I 'd like to: be able to clearly ask for what I need, expect to be treated
as equal by others,be able to put my own needs first.

TODAY i will clearly ask for what I need, I am deserving of equal treatment from others, and I am capable of putting my own needs first.

Maybe one day I won't
feel the strong urge to caretake...with the help of my higher power.

TODAY i shall give others the dignity and respect to tend to their own needs and their own lives. My participation is not required. If someone requests my help, i can say NO or YES depending upon the person, situation and my other commitments. I am under no obligation to do anything for anyone else unless i truly desire to do so.