chickaree777

At the advice of my attorney and my therapist, I am not communicating with my AH (who I am divorcing) and I am also not allowing him to see our son right now until a custody hearing. I am an addicted codependent all the way and fully admit that this is just killing me. I know I'm hurting him. I can't stand it. Even though he practically destroyed my life and my health. This is so hard!!!! It's DAY ONE of no contact. HOW AM I GONNA DO THIS? He sent me an email begging me to bring our son to see him. He said "If you ever loved me at all, please just bring him so I can see him...." etc. I don't know if I can do this!

zoso77

The first step in maintaining no contact (and maintaining your sanity) is to learn to recognize manipulative BS such as the above. And this sort of emotionally manipulative behavior is but a part of the addict's arsenal.

If he has chosen to not do the work necessary to become a responsible adult, then it is well within your rights to divorce him and prevent him from seeing your son. His actions have consequences. All of our actions do. And it's past time that he experiences them in full.

I'm not saying any of this -- no contact, ending the marriage -- is easy. It's not. But what's the alternative? A co-dependent death spiral where you continue to get sicker and sicker?

No. You find the strength within yourself to do what is necessary to protect both you and your son. You live in the moment, getting by a second at a time. Weather the storm as best you can. And remember: we're here for you.

ZoSo

AnvilheadII

BOTH your attorney and therapist strongly recommend this. if you can't trust them, who can you trust? him?????

he's gonna pull all the cards now...
"if you ever loved me"
"how could you?"
"i promise"
"i never meant to"

let HIM be in charge of how HE feels. and you focus on you. this is how we learn to DETACH. you say this man almost destroyed your life and your health. that alone is good reason to be in no contact. isn't it???? don't we protect ourselves AGAINST people who do us harm?

it is NOT killing you. you CAN do this.

KeepinItReal

He will pull all the cards. Once he takes an inch.. he'll take more. Do yourself a favor... and follow through with this for YOURSELF. Your happier self will thank you later.

Yes, I know it isnt easy. But like someone said. Second by second. Just take it slow. Try to keep yourself distracted. Hard. I know! Crying is ok... mourning the loss is okay.

blackandblue

Protect your son by protecting yourself with whatever it takes. No contact does not have to mean tough love. Love is taking care of your needs and your sons needs. More importantly, as the responsible adult, it is your obligation to take care of your son. He is learning from your every move.

No contact sounds harsh but it really is just a much needed respite from active addiction. Rename it if it makes your feel better. I get that no contact and tough love sounds negative. So make it positive.

He will pull at your heart strings and/or tear you down with shame, manipulation, obligation and guilt (SMOG- I just made up a new acronym ha ha). Addiction will hold on for dear life if you do not remove the "hooks", let it go, and don't "bite" any more hooks.

I have heard all of the pleas, cries, and beckon calls from my AXBF. And I believe I did the same thing to him with my begging, pleading, and nagging. And I believe my AXBF is in a lot of pain. But that is not my burden to carry. I have been carrying around my own pain and I am finally facing the pain that maintained my co-addictive tendencies (my addiction). One thing at a time. Just do the next right thing and then healing YOU will come with time. And you will heal.

Good luck and hope you find some serenity for you and your son with God speed.

chickaree777

Thank you so much everyone. I need this reassurance and it helps so much. You are all so right!!!

I didn't even realize just how enmeshed I was in this toxic relationship. It's almost like I'm going through a withdrawal of my own.