mackeymusic

do whats best for you, you are only hurting him more by standing around letting him do this.

James86

I am also considering shutting his phone off, because I pay for it and it's on my account and he is using it to text drug dealers. But I'm afraid of sending him into a deeper depression with nothing and then I'm afraid he'll do something very harmful to himself like overdosing. Is that normal to feel that way?

feeling-good

I am a recovering alcoholic with just over 10 months sobriety. From my experience, you are absolutely doing the right thing by protecting your financial position.

I earn the vast majority of income in my family and have done so for over 10 years. My husband took my bank card so I had no access to cash or funds. This was the right thing to do albeit it did cause arguments etc. The point is if I had had access when I was active, I would have spent whatever I could on alcohol......

I wish you and your loved one the absolute best. I think you should cut off his phone but I do understand your thoughts on this - I have no idea if this is 'normal' or not but I do understand. (hugs)

Lily1918

Oh dear... There is nothing you can do to make it worse, except to continue enabling.

you did not cause it
you cannot control it
you cannot cure it

I enabled AH for a very long time. I wish that I had not. I think that it is a good idea to shut his phone off.

He knows that you have this fear and he will use it against you. be ready. be strong.

KeepinItReal

Fear Obligation and Guilt are strong tools to manipulate with. They work. He will tell you whatever he knows you fear. You fear him being depressed? Then he will likely tell you he wants to kill himself (call the police) He can only understand your ACTIONS.

I did the pay for his car, cell phone, gas money.... for what?? To be stolen from and the manipulation continue. I have gotten more respect from him once I started sticking up for myself then when I was handing cash over like it was going out of style.

He understands I will not and refuse to pay for anything for him. Nothing is free. I'm not his mom and I owe him NOTHING. This is an understanding.

I think your really worried about not being able to talk to him. He's your addiction. Just like i'm addicted to my relationship. (this took a while to admit). Any reasonable outsider would tell me to get out.. start over.. but I won't. Its none of my business what others think of my life or me.

Your best chance at getting him in shock to go to a rehab is actions. Cutting him off completely. Yes, you won't talk for a few days... but he knows where to go to get help. YOU. He can use someones phone to call you if he wants to talk.

He is not a child your leaving at the mall. He's a grown adult. He knows where he can find help??? He will take you a whole lot more serious if you SHOW him and stop TALKING about it.

February13

Whatever you do he might get clean or he might keep using.

Even if he gets clean it doesn't mean he'll stay clean.
When I met my ex he had been clean for 2 years, he was clean for another 8
then relapsed after the birth of our daughter. Ouch! It's been almost 4 years and he is
still hooked on heroin, not even considering getting clean. After 10 years with this man I am a single mom.

I don't think you are considering no contact at the moment but I thought I'd link this anyhow. I find it rather enlightening. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...o-contact.html

atalose

I think it's normal when we begin this horrible journey with the addicts we love that some how WE can love and support them clean. And the flip side to that thinking is, that WE can do or not do something that will cause them to go deeper into it.

We are not that powerful to make things good or bad for them, it is solely up to them and we have very little if anything to do with it.

He's doing what active addicts do and he will continue to do those things and more until HE decidedes he's had enough.

And in the mean time you need to do what you need to in order to protect yourself, emotionally, financially and physically.

If it were me, I certainly would no longer provide him with a free cell phone. Nor would I allow myself to negotiate, beg or pleed with someone who is doing nothing except continuing to use and lying to those trying to help him.

He's doing him, you need to do you.

James86

I keep reading all these stories about celebrities and how they account for "help from great people" that led them to sobriety. Am i not helping him by asking to separate? I'm starting to have some doubts. I sent him rehab info today, but he needs to make the move to call them.

Lily1918

remember that celebrities have an image to maintain, and their stories rarely paint a realistic picture of recovery.

Asking to separate helps both him and you. It sends him the message that it is not ok for him to have his drugs and you at the same time. It helps you because it gets you off of the roller coaster.

It is hard. It is really really hard. sending hugs
Lily

atalose

Celebrities have all the financial resources they need to seek what ever kind of help their handlers push them to get. Everybody makes money off of them so pushing them, guiding them and manipulating them into recovery keep them with money in their own pockets.

And bottom line for them and your boyfriend, if they are not ready, willing to seek help for themselves it's never going to work. You could get him into the most expensive well know rehab and if he really isn't wanting it it's just not going to work.

You leaving him sets an example, drug use is not acceptable to you and you will not tolerate it. You can't be using it to manipulate him into going for help because all that is going to do is set yourself up for more disappointment and hurt.

Ruby2

Hey, I've been married to someone like this for almost nine years now. A couple of rehabs, some periods of sobriety and then it all comes roaring back with money, ATM cards and checks missing from my purse which I hide all the time and pray I can remember where I hid it this time. I hide my medication and my son's ADHD meds or those disappear too. I have no good jewelry. That is long gone. My wedding ring. His wedding ring. All pawned by him to finance his habit. Most of our power tools, long gone. When we were separated for a bit a couple of years ago he traded his fairly new car for crack.

Husband so concerned about HIS credit but my credit card bill is astronomical because I have to pay the bills sometime. I can't give you a success story. Mine is still being written but the chapter where I remain married to an active user is almost done. He is on his last straw and knows it.

Take care of yourself. You aren't married to him. You don't mention children. Whatever you offer he will take and then some and not appreciate it but selfishly expect it as what he is due. He has to want it for himself and no amount of support you give him will drive him to rehab. No thoughts of the loss of the relationship you have will spur a change in him because for an active addict only the drug matters. He crashed the car. You lost your housing. He isn't taking care of himself and is dragging you down with him. I long ago gave up thinking that things were going to be a bed of roses. It hasn't gotten better and i dont hold out hope that it will. Harsh words but a still harsher reality. I come here for the support and self knowledge of why I am contributing to this mess and not how to fix him. Because I can't do that. Good luck and hang in there.

Hawkeye13

Hi James;
You did the right thing.
It is so hard but he must be responsible for himself.
My heart goes out to you because it is clear how much you love him,
I really hope he chooses to get treatment.

Try to get some detachment and possibly some counseling for yourself.
Watch what his actions actually are and don't listen to what he says.
The typical pattern is they claim to want to change, but keep using,
as you've seen. Please take care of yourself.

James86

HELP!!! Should I shut his phone off? I pay for his cell phone and it's been a week since he's gone. I will admit that we have talked here and there but he says he has no problem. Today, I met him face to face and we argued for two hours until he had to ditch me to meet his two shady friends. He denies any drug use, but I think I'm smarted than that. He called to apologize for leaving me so quickly, but then hung up on me when I got upset with him for it. What I really want to know is... does keeping a phone on fall under the terms of "enabling"? I hope he gets better one day and we can be together again, and I understand people will say move on. But I just want to know if it's enabling.

AnvilheadII

he's a big boy, he can pay for his own phone all by his very own self. dude is nothing but bad news and heartache. I don't think I've ever argued with anyone for two hours.

did he....go to rehab as stated?
did he....put the 80 bucks back in your account as he promised?

James86

No -- he never went to rehab and he never put the 80 back in. But I'm afraid he'll never speak to me again. However, a friend told me that I should show him what he's losing my losing me. (a free phone)

AnvilheadII

oh good lord hon...certainly you see the value you had to offer as more than a free phone?

James86

Yeah -- I was just trying to refer to what I was talking about. I was his best shot at a normal life. He comes from a family of addicts and his friends are just the same. But is it true that if he gets clean, he'll realize why I shut it off? I'm still debating it. Scared and undecided.

AnvilheadII

HE is his best shot at a better life. you can't make that happen for him...thus the current state of affairs.

it's a PHONE. let it go.

atalose

It’s so sad when it comes down to paying someone else’s cell phone bill JUST so you can have some contact with them. The other 95% of the time he’s using it to get drugs.

Some how you have convinced yourself that YOU are his ONLY, only one who cares, only one who understands him, only one who can get him clean. If all of those things were true and YOU really are the ONE to make it all happen for him, wouldn’t it have already happened by now? Wouldn’t he be clean and living the life YOU know he can live with you and you’d both live happily ever after?

interrupted

It sounds like you believe that the only reason he has a relationship with you at all is so that he has someone to pay for his phone. If that's the case, why on earth do you want to continue to have a relationship with someone who does not value you as anything more than a phone provider? Why don't you feel you are worth more than that? Why do you not value yourself more than this? I think that's the question you should be asking.

It hurts to watch someone we love hurt themselves, but you can't save him, a phone can't save him, he has to save himself. And you have to save yourself. You deserve more than this, you deserve to be loved and respected, by others, and by yourself.