overit263

So everything was going good and I was feeling good, then a dip happened. I should be happy, but my XAH sends me an email today telling me that he got a great job etc. and he's going to pay his loans that he left me with. Which I should be happy about because when the divorce goes through, he will be able to pay the terms of the divorce. instead I got incredibly upset. I think I'm upset because he still won't acknowledge that he lied, stole, probably cheated etc. and I took it as "I left you in a state that we moved to for my job, I did drugs, and left the state and now I have a great job". I suddenly felt panicked that I'm still in this state that isn't my home, trying to make ends meet and he's the reason I'm here to begin with. I suddenly felt very upset and alone. I left my career because of this move for his job. ugh. I'm just having a rotten day. I am happier out of it, but I'm so mad that he's been such a horrible person, and it's like there's no repercussions for all that he's done. It just made me feel so cruddy and it's like the pain just bubbled back up.

Raider

Ouch! I can understand your feelings. I would be mad also. The good news is he will be paying his fair share, and I'm glad for you. I'm sorry you feel so cruddy. I hope you feel better soon. You are in my thoughts.

Ann

Perhaps he isn't being truthful? Time and again we hear how wonderful life is for the newly departed now fully recovered addict....only to find it's just more lies. I hope for your sake it is true and that he can pay the terms of divorce payments...but don't count on it just yet, just in case.

Hugs

overit263

Thanks Raider! I know it will pass, I'm just so tired of doing all the right things and still having to work this hard, whereas some people can do all the wrong they want and still have things come so easy to them. I am happy to not have the stress in my home, no fighting, no worrying about stuff going missing. I don't think he's clean anyway, he would have reached out to our friend in recovery had he gotten clean. I'm just frustrated. Mixed feelings. I don't want bad things to happen to him, but I guess I am still gullible sometimes and do believe things are great for him, while they are still hard for me.

overit263

Thanks Ann! I thought about that as well, especially since the past few years was apparently chock full of lies. I told him that I will believe it when I see it. It was only a few weeks ago that I asked him about something he stole of mine and pawned, he wouldn't tell me, now I don't want to know the details anyway, but he held the answer hostage in exchange for information from me...asking about a doctor's appointment I had. I didn't understand it at all so I just didn't respond.

jjj111

Overit, I'm sorry you had such a rough weekend! From my perspective, though, you are on a good path that will lead to more and more peace and serenity the longer you stay on it. When I broke up with my AXBF, I felt a lot of anger, too, about the money I loaned him and would never get back, and just generally that he got to do the sh*y things he did with no repercussions. Looking back now, though, I know that he was/is pretty miserable, and I'm just grateful that I'm not a part of his misery any more. And in the end, he did teach me a lesson. I can't imagine getting in another relationship with someone who is such a mess. I had to admit to myself that I ignored a lot of red flags, and now I know that I need to keep my eyes open in the future. Hope you have a better week!

overit263

It will get better, thanks JJJ! The worst is over, but I know I'm going to have cruddy days here and there. I know there's no point in holding on to the anger, and I don't even think an apology from him would change any of my feelings anyway. I'm alone here in the middle of this state I don't belong in and today was a huge slap in the face reminding me of that. My closest friends are hours away from here and I have alcoholic parents, so I'm feeling a lack of support this weekend. I'm used to being somewhat of a loner anyway, so I was uncomfortable with my feelings this weekend. I have the huge task of figuring out where I'm going to go when this is all over because I need to make good money again and have benefits again. I'm just having one of those "life is unfair" weekends I suppose. We were always opposites come to find out. He's less responsible than I thought he was, he doesn't care about rules like I do so on and so forth. "no one says life was fair" keep popping into my head. It's irritating me.

jjj111

I'm an ACOA, too. It's tough! I think that I learned very early to caretake and to overlook behavior that others would find unacceptable. And the loner thing, I have that, too. Partly I think it's just party of my personality, and partly I think that I was happiest as a child when I was left alone at home without my parents to stress me out, and that's just carried over to my adult life. It's so difficult that you can't turn to your parents for support! Life truly is not fair! But you sound like a very grounded person. I predict that a year from now you will find yourself in a good job, in an area you like better, with a lot more peace in your life!

overit263

Thanks jjj! Yeah, I agree with that being part personality and part being a child and being better home alone. I left home at a very early age and have always had to take care of myself, and if I had it my way, I would have left home in middle school. I know I can do this, I'm just mad at myself that this was the person I chose to marry. And granted, he wasn't always this bad, it is a progressive disease, but I knew better. I don't do drugs and I rarely drink, and if I do I don't get too crazy due to having alcoholic parents. I thought I knew this person better than I actually did and I thought he wanted better for me too. Turns out he became the worst relationship of my life. I had warned him before that I would cut him off just like my parents if he used, and now he's in some kind of weird denial, like we're friends again and that just is not happening. I know addicts feel a great deal of shame and don't want to admit to themselves the things they have done to hurt others....but this is getting annoying. He has struggled most of his life, and I don't even know his longest time sober because he lied so much. I just can't believe that I believed most of the lies. It's kind of like, oh great, duped again! First my drunk parents, now this guy. Yaaaay life! Ok, the pity party has ended now! I guess I just needed reassurance today.

jjj111

Hey, nothing wrong with a little anger. It can be very motivating! And I've found it useful to think about the relationship between my childhood with drunk parents and the relationship decisions I've made since then. I've realized that I have spent a lot of my adult life recreating some of the painful circumstances of my childhood. I'm trying really hard to figure out how to do things differently in the future, which has mostly meant that I've been single since breaking up with the AXBF, but I hope that eventually I'm going to find my way to a more peaceful love life. I hope the same for you!

brugmansia

Overit-

I can relate entirely to how you are feeling. Every bit of it- your ex sounds like mine in behaviors-except instead of the great job, he got a great girlfriend and coldly dumped me.

So thank you for sharing your thoughts- you helped me feel less lonely and less crazy with anger and futility.

I don't have any answers as I am still struggling so hard with acceptance of what really is, but I do understand how you are feeling.

overit263

It's so uncomfortable I can't stand it. I think I just really hate it when someone does bad things and never has to deal with the consequences.

brugmansia

I agree. I have been trying to move into gratitude every time the thoughts come up.

That has been a huge struggle, not fulfilled with my life presently and fighting the low self worth feelings.

I try to keep in mind to rightsize it- I have friends who have breast cancer, custody issues with children, jobless, etc.

I tried so hard in that relationship and came away not only empty handed, but fear that I was never loved. I trust time will lessen this acute pain.

overit263

Ugh! You are dead on! I have a friend going through radiation right now, I'm not in my normal well paying line of work because we moved here for his job etc. glad I'm not alone but not glad that you know how it feels!

brugmansia

Something I really am struggling with is his perception of me. Here was a recent exchange when I found out about the girlfriend:

"Do you understand how this is hurtful to me?"

"You act like I am a monster."

That is manipulation, no? And I buy it, stuff the anger or direct it to myself, like I always did. He knows I don't want to be viewed as mean.

When I would get justifiably angry for deceitful lies and things he did- he would counter all with "you can be really mean."

Just like when I discovered he stole money from me- I finally lost it and told him he had to leave. He played it to his family that I was kicking him out on the street that day. I specifically said that he did not have to leave today. I still feel so hurt by that- he secretly had his Mom on the phone while I was going off, the only time I ever really lost it. He used to complain to his sister I did not trust him and was jealous- I had very good reason and evidence right in front of my face.

I never got to meet his family, so the only impression they have of me is his stories. It hurts.

I hate that I care so much about his opinion of me.

sorry for the vent on your thread!

lizwig

Hi Overit, I'm sorry you had a difficult weekend. I've been trying to pop on here for a few minutes at a time as I've had holiday company and didn't see you had posted this. As others have said...time will tell....saying he's going to do something and actually following through are two different things. I hope he's being honest...I hope he attempts to make things right financially for you. Thank the universe for the possibility of this happening and if he comes through....great. If he doesn't....then thank HIM for reminding you of why you're no longer together. Keep acknowledging your feelings as they come up...don't deny them or stuff them...you'll work through the emotions and get back to your balance a lot faster. I personally think you are doing great!! You're facing a lot of challenges yet I think you know you deserve a hellovalot better! All of this is preparing you for the next stage of your life....Big hug to you today.

hopeful4

I am sorry! I hope your day improves. I agree..you are being prepared for your next stage in life. Just because he found a great job just means that...he found it. Keeping it is another thing.

Huge Hugs!

overit263

Thank you everyone! All of your posts helped. I did blow up this morning and send an email back telling him exactly how I felt and how irritating it is when someone does bad things to you then never acknowledges what they've done. He responded with asking about a bill that isn't mine. So that tells me right there that he's not clean because he won't acknowledge anything serious, OR he's so far in denial that it's going to smack him in the face one day. Not my problem anymore. I just really hate feeling that uncomfortable and scared- it was just overwhelming. That's not normally how I feel at all and I just really didn't like it. You guys are all so wonderful, I knew posting here would help to make me feel less anxious and uncomfortable! Thank you so much everyone!

needingabreak

Overit, so sorry you are going through this still. I cannot imagine how much it must wear on you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers and I hope things turn around for you. It does stink when we put in all the effort and they do not but still come out just fine. Personally, I am tired of the one sided deal. Hope today is much better for you. Hugs.

overit263

I think I just had a total breakdown after five months of crazy. I am feeling better today, but I don't want to have one more weekend of feeling like that at all. Thank you for all of the help!