Phoebe3141

I have read threw so many posts & what a wonderful group this is. I am new & this is my first post. My son is 18 yrs old, just graduated HS. He is an only child. His drug use started at 14 yrs old when we were told he had ADHD & self medicating. Threw the years he has seen several psychiatrists & tried multiple drugs & counseling but nothing helped. He dropped out of HS but did get his GED. He had a job for his senior yr that he loved & a girlfriend of 2 yrs when he turned 18. He then bought his first car & fell into a group of boys who are very into the club scene & his drug of choice is pot & Molly. In the last 6 mths he has lost his girlfriend, has stolen from us several times, lost his job, been arrested as I had to call the police due to his raging. DA did not press charges & dropped case.But, my son will use anger to intimidate & manipulate me. My husband travels for work & is gone at least 50% of the time, leaving me alone with our son. I am disabled & suffer from 4 auto immune diseases that are very severe. I am in a wheel chair & am in pain & sick 24/7 which is so very hard to cope with. We finally threw guidance of a family counselor were able to see the drug abuse & found out he was selling pot. We told son to be homeless or go to Rehab. He said he could stop he didn't need rehab. He lasted 3 wks & stole our computer to go on a drug binge. When he returned he said he was ready to go to rehab that he realized he wasn't in control & couldn't stop on his own. He has been in rehab for 2 weeks & is done next week. Counselor called yesterday, said he has shared with her but told her she couldn't tell us, yet she told us that if he comes home next week both he & husband & I will be in danger. That he made a friend in rehab that went to a Sober Living home & he wants us to pay for him to go there. She said he is accepting he has a problem & dealing with guilt & shame over what he did while using. She said he was dealing with a "drug Cartel" more than pot & when he was gone before he came home agreeing to rehab he was shot at close range, but not hurt. She said he owed them money & stole to pay them back. She said if he goes to the Sober House for 6 mths he could then return & we would all be safe!?!?! I couldn't breathe! Then talk to Son when asked what he is keeping from us said that he sold harder drugs for this Cartel & none of us are in danger. He said he told them he couldn't do it anymore as he is going into the military!?! He said he didn't want her to tell us what he did while he was in this Cartel. He said he learned some things the first week, but nothing since & doesn't need to be there. He said he is afraid to come home because his drug friends & the Cartel will approach him & he wont have the strength to say no so he will start using & selling again. His solution, pay 6 mths sober living 4 hrs away from us & then he can return & they all will have forgotten about him. Called Rehab's in the city this sober living is & they said no way would they send an 18 yr old who has had 3 wks of rehab & saying he is going to use if he comes home to a sober house so far away. They said the reputation of that particular sober house is they just want the rent & don't follow threw on accountability. We told him yes but we had to talk to the sober house, now we are going to tell him no. Sure wont go over well! Now, I am scared to bring him home as I am afraid I am going to be in danger. We have no family to send him to. I am so scared & confused! 2 wks ago I was so hopeful, he admitted he had a problem & agreed to rehab. Now he is saying he doesn't have a problem on one hand & the other he will use if he comes back home. He has counselor believing we are all in danger if he comes home, he said no danger but he will use & sell again. Do I tell them to just release him at the Rehab which is 7 hrs away & let him be homeless there? Please, any advise would be so very appreciated!

Ann

Awww, Phoebe, I'm sorry you're going through this. You don't have to do anything. It's up to him to put his life back together and it doesn't have to include living with you or having you pay for him to live elsewhere.

Your home is your safe place, please don't bring the chaos back. Don't let the stories scare you, if they are true you can't do anything about them anyway and odds are they are not true but being used to manipulate you in to paying his way.

Take a read around and make yourself comfortable. Others will be along to welcome you also.

Glad you found us.

Hugs from one mama's heart to another's.

KeepinItReal

He needs much longer than 3 weeks sober. Salvation army, teenage challenge and many other self supporting long term 1 plus year facilities are FREE.

If you let him home... you all are in danger one way or another. I'm sorry

Twofish

Dear Phoebe, First off, Welcome to SR, this forum you are on is full of us mammas and dads who have seen it all and more. You realize addicts lie, lie and lie some more? Manipulate to get whatever they want. I was new about this drug addiction too. I have learned so much here! Your son IS an adult and is accountable for his actions.
So he wants to go to a Sober Living House, after 3 weeks of inpatient rehab on your dime, and it's far away? You are disabled, not able to monitor his progress and your husband is gone to work. FIRST, maybe IOP therapy for a 20 day treatment, they have group, drug testing, therapists and an safe addict babysitting service ( that's a joke, did you smile?). But he must desire sobriety or you will be wasting your money. I'm sorry this has happened to your family Phoebe. Keep reading, ask any question within reason and please don't believe everything your son and his friends say. Again Welcome to SR, we are open 24/7. Gentle hugs, don't want to hurt you! TF
Keepinitreal has an excellent suggestion regarding the Salvation Army program, call them.

bookreader

Phoebe - no one wants this in their family, no one wants to think they can't trust their children - but you need to protect yourself - your kid should not know the PIN # for your debit card, hide your checkbook ( forging is so easy it is laughable), and any valuables. In active addiction, the addict can not be trusted at all.
Sounds like having him go somewhere other than your home would be best. However, I know there are not enough programs out there for kids dealing with this. My son lasted less than 24 hours at Salvation Army. Not criticizing their program, but some young people are not ready for that structure. (ok, that sounds bad, 'ready' , well he was ready for jail.....)
b.

Lily1918

The cartel are extremely dangerous they are the mafia, but from Mexico instead of Europe. They are very powerful and have members all over, including law enforcement.

It is like working for the mob. Trust me on this. I have lost a few friends to them. I am soooooo sorry!!!!!!! please do not allow your son to come home under any circumstances for a very long time

I will be praying for you and your family. Remember that you do not need to pay for his soberhouse. He is far enough away that you and him should be safe. Keepinitreal has a good suggestion about him going to a free place like the Salvation Army or Teen Challenge.

I wish I could post something more positive, but anytime that the cartel are mentioned I hope that people understand it needs to be taken seriously they are very dangerous people.

ladybug77

Welcome to SR, Phoebe. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I also advise you not allowing him to come home, you do not need his drama, real or imagined, under your roof. As mentioned above, there are organizations that provided the services he claims to need. I say claims because if he truly wants the assistance he would not dictate one specific sober living environment. No mother should have to live in fear of their child, a lesson I have been a long time learning myself. Please take care of YOU, and keep posting. You have found an understanding "family" here. Big hugs to you.

Jend719

Welcome Phoebe. You're in the right place here. I'm so sorry you are going through this with your son. I too suffer from an autoimmune disease and spinal degeneration. I know what it's like to feel physically comprised and going through all of this. I would be very afraid that the cartel is involved. I've had drug dealers call my house and lurk around but they are local, small time. It's scarey enough though because I would not be able to defend myself. I would not let him anywhere near you and your home for now if I were you. He is an adult and created this problem. The cartel are not some small time dealers. I agree that it is like dealing with the mafia. It IS a mafia. I think the therapist felt compelled to tell you out of the seriousness of the situation and the danger it presents for you and your family. The cartel will show no mercy if he has wronged them or they feel he could rat them out.
I think your son is telling you that you will not be in danger if he comes home because he is going to continue the same behavior. Eventually there WILL be a problem with them. They will come looking for him especially if he lied to them about going into the military. Is there a free program somewhere ne'er where he is now? I would call the counselor there and see where they could place him. Please keep us posted. I'm praying for you.

Txhelp

It sounds like you have concerns regarding your safety and peace. Sober living can be a great alternative. Pay for one month of his choosing....then he can get a job and be responsible for the rest. Letting him home will invite the chaos back in.....

I be been a revolving door and it has never worked with my 2 kids.