What's Missing?
 

Wow, that is the question hurled at me by my therapist. My response was, oh #%!

That question knocked the wind out of me. I miss someone I never had. I long for someone unavailable. I want what I cannot have. Needs schmeeds!

I'm sitting with that question and it is giving me indigestion. That question has sent me into a spiraling fatigue.

First question was- so what is missing?

Second question was- what do you want?

Answer to both questions was- I don't know yet.

Of course a relevant question to reflect on but in reality not an easy one.

I am not even sure we always know this, at least not where we can formulate an answer.

I know all about an unavailable person. I cope with this by knowing that I am always available to myself.

Melody Beattie says in her Language of Letting Go, that sometimes to get from where we were to where we need to be, we need to sit "in between" for a while.

In between is where we heal, where we find our balance again. It is where we put closure on the past and learn to look forward to new beginnings.

In between is not a scary place, although it may be a confusing one. It's a comfortable place where we get to explore and reach out, where we learn about who we really are and what we want from life...this is what I lost sight of when I was wrapped in my son's addiction. I got to know that stranger called "me" and I learned to treat her much better than I ever had before.

You will be okay, you just may need to sit "in between" for a while to regain your balance.

Hugs

I have been wondering what I want for a few years and still don't have much of an answer.

My single mom group (nothing to do with addiction, just a group for single moms) organized a seminar in the spring in which we were invited to create a vision like it is described here: Magic Happens!! - YouTube
It didn't really help me find what I want but it did help me find a bit of a path of things I wanted to do...

I wonder....this is just me speculatin' not trying to argue or speak over your therapist...but maybe the question should be worded;

what do you THINK is missing? cuz at least for me what I discovered was that nothing was MISSING, I only thought there was something or someone outside of me that I needed to MAKE ME feel whole. when in reality, I had everything I needed already....I just needed to take a good honest inventory. that by THINKING there was lack, lack was all I saw. only by changing my viewpoint and believing all I needed was already there in abundance, did I SEE abundance.

once we solve the "missing" problem, we can more clearly discern between wants and needs. maslow's hierarchy and all that. and even further the difference between "I'd Like..." and "I Want...." - I'd LIKE to go to Hawaii, hell i'd LIKE to go anywhere, as in on a vacation, however our situation does not allow for that....RIGHT NOW. I do notneed to go on vacation. if however I decided I really WANTED to go somewhere, that would require I take a lot of actions to somehow bring that into reality. that which we want, or truly desire, requires ACTION on our part....wishes are things we can whisper and then just hope they happen on their own.

I wonder if somehow these questions are designed to redirect the focus from external to internal. From relationships with others to relationship with self.

Like you said Anvil- What do I think is missing? At the present moment, there is nothing missing externally. But I have been MIA for quite a while.

And now that the grief is lifting, and in the silence of solitude, and with such strong support- I do not feel alone anymore. And I am able to show up for life, for others, and for what is next.

And for now, I am recovering in the space between- thanks Ann and everyone!

What's missing? An ability to trust in a romantic relationship.

What do I want? For that trust, in due course, to return. Doesn't have to be today, tomorow or next year. There's still things on my radar that I want to accomplish while unattached. But someday...

I'm with you Zoso. That scares me though, will I be so hardened by these experiences that I just won't trust again? I have already decided on giving myself at least a year to be alone and to get everything I want to do done- some of those things will take longer than a year- but I have no interest in bringing another person into my life. How do those people that just rebound do that?? I am in no way remotely ready to do something like that.

I worry about trusting again also. I have been through so much that it seems easier to give up on relationships. But- I don't want to be that person. I'm hoping in time and with the right person that trust will come back.

Trust is difficult. Especially trusting myself to know when I am ready to move on and emotionally sober enough to do so.

These are big questions and Zoso- That's great that you knew what that meant for you and could verbalize it. It helps to hear that we all share a common denominator. It helps to get honest with oneself.

At the moment, I can say that what is missing is clarity about who I am and what I want. And what I want is to be who I truly am without fear.

Z's Bucket List.

That would be a read. :)

What I know for sure, BnB, is I can't (and won't) be dependent on someone for my happiness. For me to be open to trust someone in a romantic context is quite a concession. For the longest time, I wasn't open to being able to trust someone that way. So, I know what I'm about. I know my strengths, my weaknesses, and what sorts of situations I need to stay away from, like addicts with Borderline Personality Disorder or people that are too mercurial and capricious.

Right now, the big thing on my 2014 radar is becoming a better guitarist. I haven't hit my ceiling. I'm pretty good, but I want to be really, really good. So a big chunk of my time will be devoted to that. And there will be new professional challenges as well that I'm looking forward to.

So, your search continues, and that's OK. It'll take as long as it takes.

ZoSo

I realize the relationships I have had thus far have all been great distractions from what I really love to do. I put so much of myself into them and lost sight of what was really important to me. I realize a healthy relationship requires some compromise and sacrifice, of which, I am not ready to do again yet.

Like you- Zoso, I have professional and personal goals that take precedence, and I am grateful for these gifts. I get to do what I love and I have a lot of free time to enjoy life. I am not completely closed to the possibility for another relationship in the future, but I do not feel like it is a "missing" piece. More like a nice addition for someone that has something to bring to the table. And I am not settling this time. Instead I am trying to become that person.

If someone asked me that, I'd probably say that acceptance of what is and who I am is missing. For me, it's about appreciating the now and not worrying and obsessing about the future. It's about not looking for something outside myself for fulfillment.

Hey B&B,

I read a lot of your threads when I first got here, and they helped me figure out that I want to get off this crazy bus as early as possible, and so I have (so far...I think).

Anywho, why must something be missing? I too, am abstaining from relationships for a bit, while I rebuild myself in a better fashion, but for me the question is not a matter of trust, but of responsibility.

I looked long and hard at what personal qualities I held, that my addict leveraged against me, and every one of them was positive: trust, hope, compassion, love, faith, kindness...why should I harden the walls against further abuses, when these attributes make me a better human?

I choose instead to turn these "weaknesses" into strengths. Not to protect them, but to embrace them. I am working a plan. Step one is in process, steps 2, 3, and 4 are still in the research phase, and I know the goals, just not the methods.

Someone on another forum once accused me of self-directed CBT. And they're right. I will make any necessary adjustments to maximize my humanity, and protect my sanity. They are not mutually exclusive.

Good luck on your search

AF

Thanks AF! That's great feedback. I agree that nothing is missing and maybe that is the point of that question. I am truly grateful every day I wake up and get to experience life on life's terms. I think accepting that this recovery stuff is a process and not a race is key. I'm just doing so well and I don't want to get overconfident and wind up doing what I always did. And somehow, I believe I am changing my ways.

Dear AF and BnB, you both are so wise. And i sincerely mean that as a compliment. I have been wondering if I have become hardened in the trust department, defiantly weakened. I used to be be so strong, believe what most people told me (within reason) trusted my family and loved ones, especially my children. Then one day, this past July, BOOM!! My world exploded, I don't even know myself anymore. I so want to fix what is missing in me, I fear that time is going to answer that one. Time and tons and tons of support. I never thought a loved one would lie, steal, call me names and leave me alone with my mind. At least I can see now that I'm not alone in this world of addiction and demons. TF

Thanks for the compliment TF. The more we regain trust in ourselves, our intuition, and our motivations- the more we are able to trust others. Because we are able to be vulnerable again knowing we can handle that vulnerability. Vulnerability being the most courageous act and risk. Guess we can't lose anything if we don't take a risk. Right now, I am trying to listen to my inner voice and regaining strength. Just my 2 cents. Believe me I don't trust yet. But I want to. I trust y'all!

I am the biggest enabler
 

put this in wrong place :)