Lily1918

incitingsilence! beautifully worded as always.

Twofish

Dear SoberSupporter, First Welcome to SR, you will find support, advice and education you so desperately need. My 2cents worth? I'm no expert, but kicking him out was a wise decision indeed. Inpatient 90 day program will start to clear his mind some, aftercare, a must, the cravings take awhile to understand. Addicts lie and manipulate, don't care about you or themselves. The demon in him is mad, the addiction has been caught and will do anything to get back to the way things were. You nor the ABF are able to control it.
Take care of yourself, you will need that. Tons of work lay ahead of both of you. Look into face to face support, Alanon, Narcanon, support groups and us, all waiting for you. Also, incitingsilence, you do say things beautifully! Take care! TF

allforcnm

I think your asking him to leave shows you are in control of your life. I say kudos for wanting to encourage him into treatment. Most people enter treatment because of family, friends, employers or legal issues. It is much better if it can be done sooner rather than later.

I asked my husband to leave when he was in active addiction, but stood by him from the moment he entered treatment. He is now a 1.5 years clean. I have just sent you a private message with some links to resources on National Institute of Drug Abuse on treatment recommendations and other info. You are on the right track.. just tame the desire to micromanage just a bit... let the professionals help with some of that.

hopeful4

Well...yes...in a way. You work on YOU. If he does not choose active recovery for himself then it will run it's course with him. It is not just something that will go away on its own...ever. He will choose to recover or he wont. YOU cannot change HIM.

Yes, the other option is to leave. To immesh yourself into the life of an addict who refuses recovery for himself is depressing and eventually makes you feel like the crazy one.

Only you know your own boundaries and what you can tolerate. Addiction grows and becomes worse. You become much more hurt over the lies. It's a rough road. I hear your frustration. No one is trying to hurt your feelings, it is just that what you are saying you are going to do is setting you up for failure because no person ever changes just because their significant other has set up rules for them. They have to want it for themselves.

I agree, educate yourself on codependency. I recommend the book Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie. I also recommend therapy, alanon or Celebrate Recovery...for you.

Take what you want out of it and leave the rest. Keep posting, you are not alone.

Hugs.

atalose

Sometimes it helps to give your mind/emotions a break for a bit from focusing on the addict and really get in tune with yourself.

What are your wants?

What are your NEEDS?

gabriel01

this post touches me so much. The list that OP made for her boyfriend is the exactly list I made for my bf an year ago. It was the most miserable and frustrated year I ever had in my life. We had good times, but I was worried the whole times. I couldn't trust him, but I love him. I lived everyday like a crazy woman. I worried, but I know I couldn't bring this topic out to him everyday. I hid my feeling to myself, but I was miserable and worried. I started to do something that I never approved myself to do it, I invaded his privacy, I checked his phone & computer almost everyday. I hated myself. But I just couldn't help, because all in my mind was Is he lying to me. Did he still keep in touch with his druggy friends. Where did he go and who he went out with, what were they doing (he told me where, who what he was doing, but I couldn't trust him anymore, so I checked on him "privately" again)...etc, these questions came to my mind everytime he goes out without me. The whole night I was sitting at home miserable.

Last week, we had a fight (not about the drug). In my mind, I knew I have to let go because I couldn't trust him and this makes myself crazy for the whole 1.5 years (everyday). So I left the house. But I missed him, worried and crazy. I checked on him again (cell phone and computer history remotely). The next night, from the cellphone history, I knew he was using it again that night after 1 year of sober. I texted him, didn't work. So I went over and stopped him. But I was terrified. The look he got on his face when he was high is the total different person I was seeing everyday. I scared. I knew I was wrong.

But I finally realized my love and care cannot defeat the addiction problem. He needs to do it himself and willing on his own, not because of me. So I found a place last weekend and moved out. And he got kicked out by his parents, yes I told them. He knew this consequence, so I think maybe this will take him to his rock bottom and wake up this time. But I'll let go, let him work on his life himself, he can do it if he wanted. And if the future (I don't how long I will wait, it all depends, but at this moment I still love & care him a lot), his actions show that he changes and understand the problems (but it will take a much much much longer time to prove), I will allow him back to my life again. But I promised myself and very determine this time, I will not let myself to get myself crazy and worried to death everyday. I have to let go and think of myself first. I done too much, way too much that every of my friends and family think I was crazy. Yet it didn't help to defeat that addiction problem. I learned, in a hard way, and I believed many of you had been went thru this path too.

gabriel01

P.S. Just want to let the OP know, my boyfriend did change a lot in the past year. He eats healthier (yes, I cooked for him everyday), go to the gym 4-5 days a week. Become a better person, much better. But still, there are few small lies (about daily life, some even not important), but all these lead back to my thought of his lies about drug using. It just hard to forget about lies and trusts feelings. All these lead to conflicts everyday. Then stress built up. One fight, this drug will make him forget everything we did for the whole year. So I just want to share this with you, so you can decide what do you want to do with your boyfriend.

MamaCas

We had the same "list" of conditions but what I realized was there was no way I could go to work everyday, keep the household running, take care of church responsibilities, AND make sure he was meeting all the conditions we set out for him. Plus, it just kept all the focus on him. I still struggle with it though. I have only been in this fight for 7 months and I know it's going to take a lot more time.

atalose

Depends on what you mean by "what works". Are YOU looking for a way to fix or repair him so then YOUR life will be more managable?

Or are you looking for something for yourself, say - therapy or counseling?

Ask yourself this - do you NEED him in your life or do you just WANT him in your life?

Those are two very different reasons and that's the first thing you need to figure out.

gabriel01

For me, it took me 1.5 years to understand "take care of yourself first" concept. I finally woke up last week. I read so many posts in the past, everyone is talking about this, but I always thought I managed my life well, so I can offer help. But I was wrong.