hooklinensinker

Hi All,

I posted a few days ago. I'm currently detaching from my AH. I've decided to proceed with the divorce I began back in May. When he was served he came back home crying and begging for a 2nd chance. Unfortunately, I fell for it. I was hurt because he had been having a relationship/affair and continued his usage (alcohol & drugs). Ask me why I believed him. I wanted my family back so bad that I was willing to put myself in the line of fire and that's exactly what happened.

Now, he's moved out. I suspect he's seeing his affair partner again. And my anxiety is at a ultimate high. I can't eat, be calm or just plain be. It's horrible. I'm struggling with this. The fear and horrible feelings I have about myself are killing me. I'm not a stupid person yet I'm stuck in this horrible place. I pray quietly that the Lord will guide me and walk beside me during this time. I cry, I take hot baths etc. Anything to ease the pain. Meanwhile, he's out drinking, snorting cocaine and having a ball with his girl. It hurts.

My 15 yo son stopped by to see him yesterday. He's couch surfing with his parents. He said my AH looked bad, sleeping on the couch. He said he looked sick.

I'm devastated yet I don't know why. My life was a mess with up and downs depending on his usage or mood. He was mean but he was there. I've come to realize how much self esteem I lack and how my fear of abandonment has hurt me and kept me a prisoner.

I just want someone to hold me in their arms, cry with me and tell me it will be ok.

I sound pathetic but at this very moment of my life, I am.

Ann

No, you are not pathetic, you are feeling the pain of grief for what was, what used to be and is no more. It hurts like the devil but it is a way to process the pain of all you have been through.

Feel the pain, cry and feel sad and let it out. Just don't hang out there too long at any one time.

Sometimes it takes baby steps to move forward. Begin with a walk in the sunshine or by going to church or some place you can find your spiritual connection with the universe. It takes effort, sometimes we have to make ourselves just step outside our home and connect with someone, anyone so we know we are not alone. Maybe find a live meeting of Al-anon or Nar-anon or CoDA and connect with people who understand what you are going through.

Pain doesn't last forever, just know that with time you will smile again and feel better, it just takes time.

Hugs

overit263

I still cry from time to time about my AXH! I did yesterday! It's not pathetic at all, like Ann said, you have to feel the feelings but not get stuck in them. My life is way better, but someone will say something, or I'll see something that reminds me of a joke between my AXH and myself and I'll get sad, then angry then okay again. It does hurt, it is painful, but it's more painful to stay because even if he was still around, he'd be causing a different kind of agony.

Raider

No not pathetic. You've been through a lot. Prayers your way!

hooklinensinker

Thank you all for responding. I hold onto these kind words of encouragement. I don't know why this is a part of my life journey. The only thing i do know is that I'm grateful for the ability to connect with everyone and move forward one step at a time.

cazer

I just wanted to say that I really appreciate you sharing this experience - my ex AD has suggested we reconcile, and while my response to him was "only speak to me once you've been sober for at least 6 months", in my mind I've been fantasizing a bit about how it could be etc. And, while my heart really wants to believe that people can recover from their addictions if they want to, and that maybe my relationship with him could live up to this imagined potential, I have to be real with myself - he hasn't changed, and in some ways his behavior has gotten worse in my opinion with doing weird things on Facebook like bragging about how many "hot girls" he's meeting etc. Very superficial and immature. Anyways, reading this, I totally 100% relate to why you gave it another shot. You are certainly not pathetic. We always want to believe in the best in others - it's a great quality, but sometimes people take advantage of that quality. I'm wishing you some peace and calm - I guarantee you will come out on top.

neferkamichael

Hooklinensinker, no, you are not pathetic, rootin for ya.

SpouseRecovery

You are not pathetic. Most of us have been there and that's why we are here. We are here because we love/loved an alcoholic, and whether we like to admit it or not, he or she will always have some imprint on our lives. We love and we want to believe in them, we want to believe in the possibility that things will change, that things will get better. And it is because we love that we also get hurt in this process. It's hard for us to shut off the part of our hearts that was once for them. We can try as much as we want to think logically and shut off that part of our brain that was once attached to them, but the heart is an entirely different entity--there's nothing logical or practical there. But right now you must hand over things to your brain in order to protect your heart. Things will get better for you; however, you cannot control what happens to your AH.