Please remind me about NC/I found the BEST meeting
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 29
Please remind me about NC/I found the BEST meeting
I woke up at three a.m. again panicking about the ending of this relationship.
Have it in my head now that his final communication to me 3 weeks ago ("This is horrible. Not knowing how you are.") needs a response. I worried about his perception of me (again) as maybe being cowardly and a dysfunctional, immature communicator or manipulative-like I am punishing him.
In addition to that- I don't want to leave the last words with him acting like he has been this caring, sensitive person. It pisses me off. He also deleted me as a friend on facebook. The ex girlfriend before me also deleted me as a "friend", the one he never talked to(the one who would send him songs and messages by text or facebook) and made me feel crazy about questioning him about in the relationship. So obviously, more lies. That hurts even more-that he has been lying and unfaithful the WHOLE time. And that he is most definitely talking about me to others.
Help please!! I need reinforcement that what I am doing by leaving it alone is the right thing.
On a wonderful note-
I went to my first S.L.A.A(sex and love addicts) meeting last night and it was so healing. It is a women only meeting, held in a neat area of downtown on Friday night, everyone goes for dinner afterward. The support and just the rightness of being there with those women, I am so grateful. Leaving there I felt some hope for the first time in years, I even entertained the thought that I could be happy and whole again.
I did feel much shame when I shared, that I've been carrying around being in this sick, hitting bottom relationship, past unhealthy relationships, the wasted time, etc.
I've been reading up on love addiction and the concept of age regression during withdrawal is hitting home. When someone leaves, I may as well be 3 years old emotionally. I behave like a small child-total panic and fear and the world looks very scary and unsafe. Anyone relate to this?
I've got a lot of work to do.
Have it in my head now that his final communication to me 3 weeks ago ("This is horrible. Not knowing how you are.") needs a response. I worried about his perception of me (again) as maybe being cowardly and a dysfunctional, immature communicator or manipulative-like I am punishing him.
In addition to that- I don't want to leave the last words with him acting like he has been this caring, sensitive person. It pisses me off. He also deleted me as a friend on facebook. The ex girlfriend before me also deleted me as a "friend", the one he never talked to(the one who would send him songs and messages by text or facebook) and made me feel crazy about questioning him about in the relationship. So obviously, more lies. That hurts even more-that he has been lying and unfaithful the WHOLE time. And that he is most definitely talking about me to others.
Help please!! I need reinforcement that what I am doing by leaving it alone is the right thing.
On a wonderful note-
I went to my first S.L.A.A(sex and love addicts) meeting last night and it was so healing. It is a women only meeting, held in a neat area of downtown on Friday night, everyone goes for dinner afterward. The support and just the rightness of being there with those women, I am so grateful. Leaving there I felt some hope for the first time in years, I even entertained the thought that I could be happy and whole again.
I did feel much shame when I shared, that I've been carrying around being in this sick, hitting bottom relationship, past unhealthy relationships, the wasted time, etc.
I've been reading up on love addiction and the concept of age regression during withdrawal is hitting home. When someone leaves, I may as well be 3 years old emotionally. I behave like a small child-total panic and fear and the world looks very scary and unsafe. Anyone relate to this?
I've got a lot of work to do.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Your post this morning reminded me of a quote I read......
Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured. ~ Mark Twain
You are taking steps to protect you....the vessel. I'm so glad that you found a meeting that resonates with you. Once I accepted that I had absolutely no control over other people and stopped trying to control them with my anger or negative thought process.....I started to heal.
Keep taking care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured. ~ Mark Twain
You are taking steps to protect you....the vessel. I'm so glad that you found a meeting that resonates with you. Once I accepted that I had absolutely no control over other people and stopped trying to control them with my anger or negative thought process.....I started to heal.
Keep taking care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Meetings have help many of us find our balance again and learn to live our lives in healthier ways.
I'm glad they are helping you too. There IS hope for happier days ahead, those of us who have been there and are happy today can attest for that.
Hugs
I'm glad they are helping you too. There IS hope for happier days ahead, those of us who have been there and are happy today can attest for that.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
I behave like a small child-total panic and fear and the world looks very scary and unsafe. Anyone relate to this?
Yes, I can relate to this, and it kept me going back to my AXBF for comfort. I always got temporary relief, until the other shoe dropped. And it always dropped sooner or later. Each time, I got hurt. Each time my heart got broken. And then my broken heart got broken. And then my heart got hardened. When my heart started hardening as a result of putting it through repeated abuse, I got scared. I used to be full of fear of losing him, and then that turned into fear of losing me. I filled the emptiness with distractions. Ignored the pain with denial. And blinded reality with fantasy. I am finally surrendering. There are days that I want to give up, hide, and run away. And there are days I am filled with joy, peace, and serenity. The only thing that stands in my way of moving on, is fear of what might happen if I let go. It is paradoxical that loving means letting go, and also the most important lesson of recovery IMHO. Work in progress. When it gets really tough, the serenity prayer always helps me.
Yes, I can relate to this, and it kept me going back to my AXBF for comfort. I always got temporary relief, until the other shoe dropped. And it always dropped sooner or later. Each time, I got hurt. Each time my heart got broken. And then my broken heart got broken. And then my heart got hardened. When my heart started hardening as a result of putting it through repeated abuse, I got scared. I used to be full of fear of losing him, and then that turned into fear of losing me. I filled the emptiness with distractions. Ignored the pain with denial. And blinded reality with fantasy. I am finally surrendering. There are days that I want to give up, hide, and run away. And there are days I am filled with joy, peace, and serenity. The only thing that stands in my way of moving on, is fear of what might happen if I let go. It is paradoxical that loving means letting go, and also the most important lesson of recovery IMHO. Work in progress. When it gets really tough, the serenity prayer always helps me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
The serenity prayer does wonders!
I can relate to being an emotional wreck when someone I love (or I think I love) leaves. This happens every single time my kids go to visit grandma on the other side of town overnight especially.
also, what helps me is to remember that there is energy of light, and energy of darkness. faith, hope, peace etc are light, and fear, doubt, panic etc are all dark.
When I have panic attacks, and fall into depression or guilt, I turn on music with positive lyrics, or google uplifting quotes, or Bible verses, and write them in my journal. crying and freaking out the whole time. Eventually, sometimes hours, sometimes minutes later, the episode passes.
I have problems with people leaving, so I remember this saying from my HP " I will never leave you. Not height or depth or angels or demons or the past present or future can separate you from me" that one is my favorite. My little girl, she's 7, asked me what having a higher power is like and how do you talk to it? I told her that it is like having an imaginary friend, except he is real. Now she jabbers to her HP all day! =] Its so cute!
just my esh. hugs to you!
Lily
I can relate to being an emotional wreck when someone I love (or I think I love) leaves. This happens every single time my kids go to visit grandma on the other side of town overnight especially.
also, what helps me is to remember that there is energy of light, and energy of darkness. faith, hope, peace etc are light, and fear, doubt, panic etc are all dark.
When I have panic attacks, and fall into depression or guilt, I turn on music with positive lyrics, or google uplifting quotes, or Bible verses, and write them in my journal. crying and freaking out the whole time. Eventually, sometimes hours, sometimes minutes later, the episode passes.
I have problems with people leaving, so I remember this saying from my HP " I will never leave you. Not height or depth or angels or demons or the past present or future can separate you from me" that one is my favorite. My little girl, she's 7, asked me what having a higher power is like and how do you talk to it? I told her that it is like having an imaginary friend, except he is real. Now she jabbers to her HP all day! =] Its so cute!
just my esh. hugs to you!
Lily
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 29
Thanks all for replying.
Kindeyes- I do understand the Mark Twain quote. The anger I feel is not healthy. One of my shares at the s.l.a.a. meeting was how filled with anger I have been, how it makes me feel ugly and "not a good person".
Two long term recovering women after the meeting validated my anger as an appropriate response to the breaking apart of illusions I have been clinging to. They said anger is good, rage is good. So I am holding onto the hope that it is a process, a stage to get to the other side. It's better than hopelessness and total rejection of myself. It's healthier than giving up and falling into a deep depression. My anger is mostly directed at me.
In fact- that was a dance Aexbf employed whenever I attempted to confront him about inconsistencies and the cognitive dissonance I was feeling. I stopped trusting my feelings. I was told I had no basis or right to be angry, I was SHAMED for it, when the evidence was sitting in front of me. And I did anything I could to hold on to his love and not feel rejection. I have been saying I am sicker than he is, I really believe that.
I abandoned myself, and it has me in a huge deficit, bankruptcy really. So it is the loss of him, the loss of my values I ignored or modified in order to have his love, the loss of time I could have spent focusing on my life, loss of trust. I am scared.
Going to a meeting today.
Kindeyes- I do understand the Mark Twain quote. The anger I feel is not healthy. One of my shares at the s.l.a.a. meeting was how filled with anger I have been, how it makes me feel ugly and "not a good person".
Two long term recovering women after the meeting validated my anger as an appropriate response to the breaking apart of illusions I have been clinging to. They said anger is good, rage is good. So I am holding onto the hope that it is a process, a stage to get to the other side. It's better than hopelessness and total rejection of myself. It's healthier than giving up and falling into a deep depression. My anger is mostly directed at me.
In fact- that was a dance Aexbf employed whenever I attempted to confront him about inconsistencies and the cognitive dissonance I was feeling. I stopped trusting my feelings. I was told I had no basis or right to be angry, I was SHAMED for it, when the evidence was sitting in front of me. And I did anything I could to hold on to his love and not feel rejection. I have been saying I am sicker than he is, I really believe that.
I abandoned myself, and it has me in a huge deficit, bankruptcy really. So it is the loss of him, the loss of my values I ignored or modified in order to have his love, the loss of time I could have spent focusing on my life, loss of trust. I am scared.
Going to a meeting today.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Help please!! I need reinforcement that what I am doing by leaving it alone is the right thing.
yes, leave it alone. leave it behind you. it's like meat that's gone bad...only need to sniff it once to know. ain't gonna smell any better the NEXT time. doesn't matter who said what, or who said it last....it will never get all neatly tidied up, it's already gone off, just like the stinky old meat in the fridge.
good for you on finding meetings you enjoy. that's a very positive, self affirming step! it's a strange dynamic so many of us seem to develop....feeling the NEED for validation from others but managing to find emotionally unavailable people that will assure we NEVER feel validated, ALWAYS feel abandoned. like groundhog's day. trying to re-create some scenario and make it work out RIGHT this time......
but the old meat will always be stinky and the hot stove always.....HOT. our recovery comes when we learn to ACCEPT that it is what it is. and then act accordingly. in new better healthier ways.
yes, leave it alone. leave it behind you. it's like meat that's gone bad...only need to sniff it once to know. ain't gonna smell any better the NEXT time. doesn't matter who said what, or who said it last....it will never get all neatly tidied up, it's already gone off, just like the stinky old meat in the fridge.
good for you on finding meetings you enjoy. that's a very positive, self affirming step! it's a strange dynamic so many of us seem to develop....feeling the NEED for validation from others but managing to find emotionally unavailable people that will assure we NEVER feel validated, ALWAYS feel abandoned. like groundhog's day. trying to re-create some scenario and make it work out RIGHT this time......
but the old meat will always be stinky and the hot stove always.....HOT. our recovery comes when we learn to ACCEPT that it is what it is. and then act accordingly. in new better healthier ways.
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