can someone help? struggling with wanting Aexbf to suffer
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Originally Posted by brugmansia 
Every morning I've been waking up with new realizations of how horribly and careless this man has treated me. This cold and mean discarding directly after finding out about Aexbf cheating has me so sick inside with fury and frustration. He got caught, and he was brutal in how he handled it. It all seems to come down to blaming myself and having to take responsibility for my choices, while he gets off scot-free for all the hurt he was caused, I am left holding the bag of all the ugly feelings.
The last communication from him was a quick message-
"This is horrible. Not knowing how you are." Which I feel was him testing the waters to see if I would tell the new woman that he was still involved with me up until 3 weeks ago. I can't communicate with him because I know he will just hurt me more.
I feel like sending her all the texts and pictures he had been sending me. He also said to me in our last conversation that the reason he is with her was because of loneliness. He just lies and lies and lies. She may have no idea of his past criminal history and heroin use. I want to hurt him like he has hurt me, and it is making me ill.
When he left me, he had stolen money from me, another betrayal. I never told his family the reason. I am sure he told them some twisted lie. This morning I was consumed with trying to figure out a way to have him feel some consequences (he skipped out on debts in this state).
Has anyone been through this? How do you heal, or at least find relief for a while throughout the day and some hope? I feel so damaged-I may not be able to trust fully ever again. There is no way I am ready for dating feeling this way. I am having a hard time eating, working and am isolating.
Please help with any experience, strength, and hope in dealing with this. I feel so alone. I am battling with contacting him.
Please be as gentle as you can-in pain right now. I know I am responsible for my feelings, which is why I am here looking for help and support.
The last communication from him was a quick message-
"This is horrible. Not knowing how you are." Which I feel was him testing the waters to see if I would tell the new woman that he was still involved with me up until 3 weeks ago. I can't communicate with him because I know he will just hurt me more.
I feel like sending her all the texts and pictures he had been sending me. He also said to me in our last conversation that the reason he is with her was because of loneliness. He just lies and lies and lies. She may have no idea of his past criminal history and heroin use. I want to hurt him like he has hurt me, and it is making me ill.
When he left me, he had stolen money from me, another betrayal. I never told his family the reason. I am sure he told them some twisted lie. This morning I was consumed with trying to figure out a way to have him feel some consequences (he skipped out on debts in this state).
Has anyone been through this? How do you heal, or at least find relief for a while throughout the day and some hope? I feel so damaged-I may not be able to trust fully ever again. There is no way I am ready for dating feeling this way. I am having a hard time eating, working and am isolating.
Please help with any experience, strength, and hope in dealing with this. I feel so alone. I am battling with contacting him.
Please be as gentle as you can-in pain right now. I know I am responsible for my feelings, which is why I am here looking for help and support.
What I can tell you is when I look back at my experiences with her, I can't look at anything she did without considering that she's a) a drug addict, and b) a Borderline Personality. My rational mind, in hindsight, took over really quick, and when it did, I realized I couldn't personalize what she did to me because she's pathologically sick.
I get you wanting your AXBF to suffer. I really, really do. But if you go down that road and feed that beast, it's going to cause you more pain. You keep feeding it and feeding it, and you feel worse and worse. You don't need to feel worse. You need to feel better.
Part of what has helped me is, amazingly enough, my relationship with God. And if I get into a headspace where I wish ill will on someone, I ask myself how I can square that with God. I think my AXGF is disgusting and worthy of scorn, but she, like you and me, is born in the image of God. So I can't square it with God, but what I do instead is ask God to help take away my pain.
For now, accept what you're feeling as a temporary condition, and a condition that will improve if you do the right things to take care of yourself. For what it's worth, I would block your AXBF from calling, texting, emailing, Facebook, etc. Be done with him. Take refuge in the love and understand of those who you love and love you. Be thankful for both who and what you have in your life every day. Even if it's something simple like hearing your favorite song on the radio.
The pain, in time, will dissipate. Trust me.
ZoSo
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 29
Big messy vent:
Thanks Zoso- I don't think I will act on these feelings. I haven't felt them with the intensity I did that morning, although I still feel unhealthy (?) anger, rage even throughout the day. My face has been flushing red with shame at work when I think of it.
I'm angry at the betrayal of trust. Really depressed that what I thought was a mutually valued relationship, was only valued by me. Just enraged at myself for being so stupid to think he felt the same. And there will be no resolution with him, even in the distant future because:
a) I will never be able to believe anything that he says again. I am so angry at myself for ignoring his lies and protecting and keeping secrets for him.
b) He will never care about anything I say again. he is now on the defensive, he will character assassinate me to mutual friends, reducing my credibility. I caught him in another huge lie AGAIN, and he most likely is spinning it in his favor, probably badmouthing me to everyone. I want to stand up for myself!! I know better though than to go that way, only more pain that way. It is so frustrating!!! I want to not care even more, but right now it hurts.
It all keeps boiling down to my bad choices. I was already mildly depressed and I am fighting spinning way down. I hate that he knows vulnerable things about me, because now I am the enemy and the crazy one. And I did, I became carazy as hell in that relationship, having gut feelings and suspicions and having them dismissed, by myself and Aexbf.
Searching and spying like a weirdo for evidence of my gut instinct, which was his biggest complaint- I don't trust him. Ha.
Every little crumb he gave, I treated like a cake. Sick.
I am checking out some sex and love addicts anonymous meetings this week, in addition to the coda. The way this has turned my life, thoughts and self care upside down so swiftly is scary. I am very sick to have allowed this to happen for so long, not protecting and caring for myself.
It all seems like a big waste of an investment of 4 years and my life, the whole relationship. Similar to the remorse recovering addicts must feel.
Sorry for the negativity. I am hopeful here and there too. At least I now KNOW. It's a relief and strangely peaceful.
Thanks Zoso- I don't think I will act on these feelings. I haven't felt them with the intensity I did that morning, although I still feel unhealthy (?) anger, rage even throughout the day. My face has been flushing red with shame at work when I think of it.
I'm angry at the betrayal of trust. Really depressed that what I thought was a mutually valued relationship, was only valued by me. Just enraged at myself for being so stupid to think he felt the same. And there will be no resolution with him, even in the distant future because:
a) I will never be able to believe anything that he says again. I am so angry at myself for ignoring his lies and protecting and keeping secrets for him.
b) He will never care about anything I say again. he is now on the defensive, he will character assassinate me to mutual friends, reducing my credibility. I caught him in another huge lie AGAIN, and he most likely is spinning it in his favor, probably badmouthing me to everyone. I want to stand up for myself!! I know better though than to go that way, only more pain that way. It is so frustrating!!! I want to not care even more, but right now it hurts.
It all keeps boiling down to my bad choices. I was already mildly depressed and I am fighting spinning way down. I hate that he knows vulnerable things about me, because now I am the enemy and the crazy one. And I did, I became carazy as hell in that relationship, having gut feelings and suspicions and having them dismissed, by myself and Aexbf.
Searching and spying like a weirdo for evidence of my gut instinct, which was his biggest complaint- I don't trust him. Ha.
Every little crumb he gave, I treated like a cake. Sick.
I am checking out some sex and love addicts anonymous meetings this week, in addition to the coda. The way this has turned my life, thoughts and self care upside down so swiftly is scary. I am very sick to have allowed this to happen for so long, not protecting and caring for myself.
It all seems like a big waste of an investment of 4 years and my life, the whole relationship. Similar to the remorse recovering addicts must feel.
Sorry for the negativity. I am hopeful here and there too. At least I now KNOW. It's a relief and strangely peaceful.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
At least I now KNOW.
as they say, more shall be revealed. I don't know why, but sometimes the BEST lessons are the really painful ones. the whole hot stove thing. OUCH, man that thing really IS hot!
try to ease up on yourself a little bit ok? we can only DO better when we KNOW better. we all make mistakes....or make choices that don't work in our favor. he's not worth it. but YOU are!
as they say, more shall be revealed. I don't know why, but sometimes the BEST lessons are the really painful ones. the whole hot stove thing. OUCH, man that thing really IS hot!
try to ease up on yourself a little bit ok? we can only DO better when we KNOW better. we all make mistakes....or make choices that don't work in our favor. he's not worth it. but YOU are!
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