Latest update about my daughter
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Immaturity is a universal trait of drug addicts. And he will act start acting his age when he is clean, sober, and participating in a recovery program. If he just stops using it will not happen - kind of like a stroke victim who goes home and sits in the recliner waiting for his/her muscles to miraculously get stronger.
What is frustrating for me is, in the case of my AS, people think his immaturity is a root problem. They just cannot grasp that immaturity is only a symptom, so they are just waiting for him to "grow up." He is approaching 30.
What is frustrating for me is, in the case of my AS, people think his immaturity is a root problem. They just cannot grasp that immaturity is only a symptom, so they are just waiting for him to "grow up." He is approaching 30.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by sojourner 
Immaturity is a universal trait of drug addicts. And he will act start acting his age when he is clean, sober, and participating in a recovery program. If he just stops using it will not happen - kind of like a stroke victim who goes home and sits in the recliner waiting for his/her muscles to miraculously get stronger.
What is frustrating for me is, in the case of my AS, people think his immaturity is a root problem. They just cannot grasp that immaturity is only a symptom, so they are just waiting for him to "grow up." He is approaching 30.
What is frustrating for me is, in the case of my AS, people think his immaturity is a root problem. They just cannot grasp that immaturity is only a symptom, so they are just waiting for him to "grow up." He is approaching 30.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 3
The more I read about all of the trials everyone has gone through, I am saddened by the waste of life, love, time and money addiction creates. We have 2 addicted daughters, one in recovery, one recovering from a near fatal car accident caused by heroin and driving. We, as a family, are trying to assimilate the accident victim into the house hold and I am exhausted. Is it wrong to be happy that someone is disabled to the point of needing 24 hours supervision so they do not get the chance to call their druggie friends?
My heart goes out to the OP, keep strong and take care of yourself and your younger daughter.
My heart goes out to the OP, keep strong and take care of yourself and your younger daughter.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: East Coast of Florida
Posts: 61
So I was driving and had my younger daughter in the car when she called and I answered. She said "so Happy Thanksgiving" in what I would call a sarcastic way. I said HT and wish you could have been here.
Then I mentioned that I had mail for her, and it looked like she had received a check from the job she was working while she was at The Bridge, and said that I hoped it was the amount she was hoping for. She says "why wouldn't it be? did you open it?" Ugh. No, I didn't open it. You told me that your expenses at The Bridge were to be taken out of your check and I was just saying that I hope it's the amount you thought it would be.
Then I asked her how she's doing and she said "it's not The Bridge". Does that mean better? Then she told me that her therapist was so much less intelligent than she that they have now scheduled her to see the clinical director. She said the therapist didn't know what to do with her.
Just another round and round conversation, which ended with her getting pissed off and saying "I'm hanging up now" because I said, well, I hope things work out there. Just remember that you only get out of things what you put into them (why did I bother to say that?) to which she responded bitchily "Yeah, I know that. I just got out of doing 8 months at The Bridge" to which I responded as bitchily "well, guess that didn't work"
Wish I hadn't answered the phone. Guess her friend was right- I certainly contribute to this dysfunction.
Then I mentioned that I had mail for her, and it looked like she had received a check from the job she was working while she was at The Bridge, and said that I hoped it was the amount she was hoping for. She says "why wouldn't it be? did you open it?" Ugh. No, I didn't open it. You told me that your expenses at The Bridge were to be taken out of your check and I was just saying that I hope it's the amount you thought it would be.
Then I asked her how she's doing and she said "it's not The Bridge". Does that mean better? Then she told me that her therapist was so much less intelligent than she that they have now scheduled her to see the clinical director. She said the therapist didn't know what to do with her.
Just another round and round conversation, which ended with her getting pissed off and saying "I'm hanging up now" because I said, well, I hope things work out there. Just remember that you only get out of things what you put into them (why did I bother to say that?) to which she responded bitchily "Yeah, I know that. I just got out of doing 8 months at The Bridge" to which I responded as bitchily "well, guess that didn't work"
Wish I hadn't answered the phone. Guess her friend was right- I certainly contribute to this dysfunction.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
I've had those circular conversations in the past with my son. When he doesn't want to hear what I have to say he'll say "I'm hanging up now"....but I was expected to sit, listen and absorb every single ounce of rubbish that came out his mouth. He asked once "why can't we have a normal conversation?" I don't know.....perhaps because there is nothing NORMAL about trying to maintain any semblance of a conversation with a self-absorbed, victim, woe is me addict who hasn't asked a personal question about any other family member (including me) in years. It is always going to be a one sided conversation because it is always about them. I'm sorry...apparently I woke up frustrated this morning!! Time for some coffee and a daily reader I think. Hang in there....sounds like she's trying to pick apart every word you say. That is exhausting. I feel for you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
Yes self centered tends to also be a common denominator. He cares but doesn't go out of his way for any family. It is all about him yet I know he is going through a lot right now, trying to stay sober, get a job, money, debt, etc. I pray. It's the only thing I can do that makes me feel better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: East Coast of Florida
Posts: 61
Trying to prepare myself for the next step with my AD, which will be to make it clear *again* that she needs to find another place to live. She has called a couple of times from the rehab, just calling because she's "bored" and "wanted to say hi".
Once again I find myself kicking myself in the butt for allowing her to come here for 'one more chance' though there was not one single solitary word or action during the whole 8 months that she was in the DOC supervised facility to make me think that anything had changed, and it hadn't. Whenever I remarked on the lack of these things, she would tell me that at least she wasn't lying. What??
Once again ALL her worldly possessions are here, she has nowhere to go when she gets out of the private rehab just a couple of days before Christmas, and once again I haven't even had a conversation with her about this. When I caught her shooting up, I told her she had to leave, got her to the rehab, and pretty much my only thoughts were that she had a place to go for 30 days. I told her I'd give her another chance if she successfully completed the 8 month program, and within a week she was using again.
I spend a lot of time here reading everyone's posts. I go to NA and CODA meetings. I speak to people who are dealing with similar situations in every way possible. My home cannot be a revolving door. She has a disease and I am her mother but I am still torn about turning her out once again, even though the chaos when she is here is just ridiculous.
I keep reminding myself of all the things she's done- she was in the ICU 2 years ago with addiction related pneumonia and left before she was dismissed, ranting and raving because they wouldn't give her drugs; she found out she still had a savings account and showed up barefoot and screaming at me to give her her money; she showed up at my job (thankfully at the end of the day) banging on the door for me to come out and "explain" to her why I wouldn't give her the money, and then kicked a big dent in the finder of my car. These things were while we were still estranged, before she went to jail two years ago. She was in and out of jail for a year and a half, and before she went in the last time, she had burglarized several people's homes, stealing and pawning their belongings. The restitution hearing for all that is scheduled in January 2014, so that's still unresolved. Last year before her court date I had her come to my office for some needed dental work, and when she was told that she was not going to get an RX for oxy, she flipped out, tried to call the dr behind my back, and threatened me. She did all the typical things like steal my jewelry and pawn it, break curfew, disregard all boundaries she had agreed to. She had a spoon and a syringe in her purse on the day that she was remanded to jail to wait for a bed at the Bridge, the day she mouthed "f*** you" to me in court. I supported her while she was there, taking her phone calls, sending her poetry, sending her a journal to write in, sending her the things they didn't provide.
She came here, was here a week, didn't make any effort to speak to me or her sister about anything, slept in, picked and chose which household tasks she would deign to do, smoked although she had agreed not to, and used drugs.
Should be pretty clearcut.........but I'm still struggling mightily with it. There are so many people here who feel that the best way to help their adult children is to provide them a safe place to live in spite of their addiction and help them through it. There are posts from recovering addicts who are very clear that tough love from their parents was crucial to their recovery. Once more, UGH!!
Once again I find myself kicking myself in the butt for allowing her to come here for 'one more chance' though there was not one single solitary word or action during the whole 8 months that she was in the DOC supervised facility to make me think that anything had changed, and it hadn't. Whenever I remarked on the lack of these things, she would tell me that at least she wasn't lying. What??
Once again ALL her worldly possessions are here, she has nowhere to go when she gets out of the private rehab just a couple of days before Christmas, and once again I haven't even had a conversation with her about this. When I caught her shooting up, I told her she had to leave, got her to the rehab, and pretty much my only thoughts were that she had a place to go for 30 days. I told her I'd give her another chance if she successfully completed the 8 month program, and within a week she was using again.
I spend a lot of time here reading everyone's posts. I go to NA and CODA meetings. I speak to people who are dealing with similar situations in every way possible. My home cannot be a revolving door. She has a disease and I am her mother but I am still torn about turning her out once again, even though the chaos when she is here is just ridiculous.
I keep reminding myself of all the things she's done- she was in the ICU 2 years ago with addiction related pneumonia and left before she was dismissed, ranting and raving because they wouldn't give her drugs; she found out she still had a savings account and showed up barefoot and screaming at me to give her her money; she showed up at my job (thankfully at the end of the day) banging on the door for me to come out and "explain" to her why I wouldn't give her the money, and then kicked a big dent in the finder of my car. These things were while we were still estranged, before she went to jail two years ago. She was in and out of jail for a year and a half, and before she went in the last time, she had burglarized several people's homes, stealing and pawning their belongings. The restitution hearing for all that is scheduled in January 2014, so that's still unresolved. Last year before her court date I had her come to my office for some needed dental work, and when she was told that she was not going to get an RX for oxy, she flipped out, tried to call the dr behind my back, and threatened me. She did all the typical things like steal my jewelry and pawn it, break curfew, disregard all boundaries she had agreed to. She had a spoon and a syringe in her purse on the day that she was remanded to jail to wait for a bed at the Bridge, the day she mouthed "f*** you" to me in court. I supported her while she was there, taking her phone calls, sending her poetry, sending her a journal to write in, sending her the things they didn't provide.
She came here, was here a week, didn't make any effort to speak to me or her sister about anything, slept in, picked and chose which household tasks she would deign to do, smoked although she had agreed not to, and used drugs.
Should be pretty clearcut.........but I'm still struggling mightily with it. There are so many people here who feel that the best way to help their adult children is to provide them a safe place to live in spite of their addiction and help them through it. There are posts from recovering addicts who are very clear that tough love from their parents was crucial to their recovery. Once more, UGH!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
I think her returning to your home would be very detrimental to your well-being. Provide her with a list of sober living homes (Oxford Houses) in your area and tell her to write the letters herself. Clearly she had no problem completely disregarding your boundaries...let her prove to someone else she can abide by theirs. Let her know things are different now. She won't respect your boundaries if you don't. Big hug to you today. She has really put you through it. Time to be as nice to yourself as you've been to get.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 198
My heart goes out to you. We are going through similar challenges with our son (age 29 going on 12) and it is difficult to say the least. Last night our son had a tantrum with cursing, slamming of doors, etc. and my husband, who has a heart condition, got so stressed I wanted to take him to the ER. Anyway, I and others in this forum can relate to your dilemma. Your daughter still does not "get it" and yet I understand that you hate to think of her out on the streets. No advice here, no words of wisdom, but just want to send you a cyber hug.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Newimage I just read your thread and all your ad daughter has put you through. (((Hugs)))
I'm on the other side of this, but I am a mom too. Please consider letting your ad find her own living arrangement after rehab. I think someone mentioned Oxford houses or sober homes. Just from your posts it's pretty clear that your ad has very little respect for you. She is still very active in her addiction and doesn't get it. It seems that she is playing the blame game with you and cannot see her own part/choices/behaviors in her addiction. She seems to be in complete denial. Until she needs to be accountable for her own life/ choices she will continue the same old patterns. Allowing her to make her own life choices will allow her to take responsibity for her actions and hopefully seek change. Somehow I feel she's been dragging you along with guilt. You didn't cause her addiction. You cannot control her addiction and you can not cure her addiction. She needs to do that. She won't until she is forced to do it.
In meantime, please be kind to yourself! You are a good Mom!
I'm on the other side of this, but I am a mom too. Please consider letting your ad find her own living arrangement after rehab. I think someone mentioned Oxford houses or sober homes. Just from your posts it's pretty clear that your ad has very little respect for you. She is still very active in her addiction and doesn't get it. It seems that she is playing the blame game with you and cannot see her own part/choices/behaviors in her addiction. She seems to be in complete denial. Until she needs to be accountable for her own life/ choices she will continue the same old patterns. Allowing her to make her own life choices will allow her to take responsibity for her actions and hopefully seek change. Somehow I feel she's been dragging you along with guilt. You didn't cause her addiction. You cannot control her addiction and you can not cure her addiction. She needs to do that. She won't until she is forced to do it.
In meantime, please be kind to yourself! You are a good Mom!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by Newimage
There are so many people here who feel that the best way to help their adult children is to provide them a safe place to live in spite of their addiction and help them through it.
When I finally said enough (her drug of choice was not worth any of us losing sanity, life, home), she was out the door and very quickly found recovery. I'm all for supporting and helping her while she continues to actively engage in recovery.
Tough love never meant screaming or demeaning either of us. It never meant contempt. For me, it meant being tough enough on myself to treat us both with respect. I finally taught my daughter how to treat me and it's stuck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: East Coast of Florida
Posts: 61
Until yesterday, hadn't heard from my daughter in several weeks. She called but I didn't pick up. Left a voicemail saying that she's "gotten an extension" and her last day in the rehab will be Jan 10.
I haven't been here for a couple of weeks; being selfish and just putting it all out of my mind so I can get through the workweek; taking advantage of her being in the rehab and not having to deal with it.
Have not informed her that she cannot come home when she gets out. She hasn't called, and when she did call last she didn't inquire and I didn't bring it up.
Am not looking forward to any of this. Even if she doesn't live here, her stuff is here and I will again have to worry about having my mail and my computer hijacked, my vehicle and my home damaged by her if she is angry about my decision, etc etc. I don't see anywhere in the future any kind of resolution of her addiction or her blaming me for it or our relationship. I am just at the point after all these years that I don't want to deal with anything anymore.
I haven't been here for a couple of weeks; being selfish and just putting it all out of my mind so I can get through the workweek; taking advantage of her being in the rehab and not having to deal with it.
Have not informed her that she cannot come home when she gets out. She hasn't called, and when she did call last she didn't inquire and I didn't bring it up.
Am not looking forward to any of this. Even if she doesn't live here, her stuff is here and I will again have to worry about having my mail and my computer hijacked, my vehicle and my home damaged by her if she is angry about my decision, etc etc. I don't see anywhere in the future any kind of resolution of her addiction or her blaming me for it or our relationship. I am just at the point after all these years that I don't want to deal with anything anymore.
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
Hi Newimage. I am the Mother of an addict adult son. I have been where you are & feeling like you do many times in the past. It was a very rough road of many years that God finally worked out for me. I have no answers for you. It just took alot of taking things as they came. You know what we learn in the program; one day at a time. For me it was one event at a time. I do believe that if there is any way that you can handle it, that it is so much better if you could not let her ever live with you again. So much easier said than done. Maybe you could talk to someone from both of the Rehabs that she's been in so far & tell them the situation & ask them if they through their dealings, have any suggestions of places that your daughter could go after leaving there. I know that it's up to her to find a place to go but I'm thinking of your peace of mind. I do believe that you should tell your daughter as soon as possible & her counselors there that she will not be returning to your home & will need to make other arrangements for when she leaves. I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this, especially during the holidays. It does seem that our addict children do cause us the most grief during these 'supposed to be' special times. I'm sending you (((((((Understanding & Compassionate Hugs))))))))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 1,443
Your story is my story....and I actually thought about moving back into our (now rented) house in Los Angeles, from Costa Rica, for HER....to "be there" to "help her" to give her a place to stay while she gets on her feet....thinking "If I hadn't moved, maybe she wouldn't be so far down to such a low bottom", yada, yada....My husband (not her father), keeps telling me that it wouldn't have mattered if we had still lived in the States or not....in fact, he says, it would probably have been worse. We would have had to call the police, been harassed, gotten phone calls, etc. Just talked to my sis yesterday, (whose 31 y/o son is in rehab now)....and she said, "Don't come back"....They are right...but my heartstrings still are being pulled to "help" my AD....I keep saying, "If only I were there, I could (fill in the blank)..." After reading your posting, I guess I am glad that I am not....I get it. Thanks for posting...great reminder of the reality of addiction. So sorry for all that you are going through.....for what many of us are going through....you sound like a great mom....stay strong ((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Oh your posts are a reflection of my feelings.....
The revolving door; knowing that it won't work but allowing it to happen because they have no place to go.
With my son, I have concluded that he has been very resourceful to get his drugs..including pawning my stuff. He has been given opportunities and help by us. He pretty much is now back where he started...with nothing.
He is NOT allowed in my home. I am tired and he has yet to confess that he has any problems with drugs although my AD tells me otherwise. He will need to figure his life out. At 25 years old it's about time to grow up. I am tired also.
The revolving door; knowing that it won't work but allowing it to happen because they have no place to go.
With my son, I have concluded that he has been very resourceful to get his drugs..including pawning my stuff. He has been given opportunities and help by us. He pretty much is now back where he started...with nothing.
He is NOT allowed in my home. I am tired and he has yet to confess that he has any problems with drugs although my AD tells me otherwise. He will need to figure his life out. At 25 years old it's about time to grow up. I am tired also.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: glen burnie md
Posts: 13
Newimage, could you pack her things and get it out of YOUR house? Perhaps a small storage unit rental? And tell her when she calls her belongings are at such and such and as soon as she is out the rental will be changed into her name...Change your locks too, consider more security measures. Inform your younger daughter this is necessary. I had to do this with my daughter, she was stealing from us every time we let her back in...now no more stress there, only I am raising 2 of her 3 children. Long story I'll share some day...soon.
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