I'm in limbo and I'm going to explode!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 33
I'm in limbo and I'm going to explode!
I'm living with my addicted ABUSER I mean boyfriend and I can't get out of here fast enough. He's addicted to Xanax. Not physically addicted but whenever he gets money he can't seem to help himself. Bills don't get paid and everything goes to sh*t. He's totally unreliable. He lies to me all the time about everything. He's emotionally abusive. He's been physically abusive (which is crazy because I have a very bad back and tons of nerve damage). He's cheated on me at least twice. When he's high he's like a zombie and he needs to be babysat. He's almost caught the house on fire several times trying to cook l, he's totalled cars, gotten arrested (in fact he's looking at jail time or house arrest for his 3rd DUI), and the list goes on and on. He's a total loser and everyone around him suffers. Of course before I moved in I thought he was just a good guy who needed support. He's so good at acting like Mr Wonderful.
I have some of my own problems. I had a very traumatic 25 years and a very abusive childhood. You would never know just by looking at me but I definitely need therapy. I'm intelligent and I carry myself well. It's actually a curse in a way because I'm at my wit's end and kind of losing my mind and no one knows. Everyone thinks I'm fine.
When he talked me in to moving here he used my problems as a way to convince me. His idea was for me to move in here and file for TEMPORARY disability and while I was waiting to be accepted he would support me. I thought it would b a chance to get my life together instead of working my butt off to barely get by while my problems got worse. I could go to college, consolidate and start paying off my debt, get therapy and get my back taken care of (I got unsuccessful surgery a few years ago). I sold my car because it broke down and moved in and now I'm 100% reliable on him. I was so dumb.
I don't know why I didn't see this coming. I've called many many women's shelters and everywhere is full. I have no idea what to do. I can't work if I can't drive and if I can't work I can't get out of here. My family will not help even though they know what's going on (I was totally shocked and now I know I'm really alone).
I'm trying to stay positive and driven. Last night he got high AGAIN.so I moved into the spare bedroom. I'm trying to figure out a way out. I'm thinking I could find a job close to the house and just take a bus (I don't know how to ride the bus and. I have no one to teach me).
I just feel so stuck. I'm getting so resentful I feel like I could hurt him. I feel so alone especially now that I'm completely avoiding him but it's not worth it to act like everything is
I have some of my own problems. I had a very traumatic 25 years and a very abusive childhood. You would never know just by looking at me but I definitely need therapy. I'm intelligent and I carry myself well. It's actually a curse in a way because I'm at my wit's end and kind of losing my mind and no one knows. Everyone thinks I'm fine.
When he talked me in to moving here he used my problems as a way to convince me. His idea was for me to move in here and file for TEMPORARY disability and while I was waiting to be accepted he would support me. I thought it would b a chance to get my life together instead of working my butt off to barely get by while my problems got worse. I could go to college, consolidate and start paying off my debt, get therapy and get my back taken care of (I got unsuccessful surgery a few years ago). I sold my car because it broke down and moved in and now I'm 100% reliable on him. I was so dumb.
I don't know why I didn't see this coming. I've called many many women's shelters and everywhere is full. I have no idea what to do. I can't work if I can't drive and if I can't work I can't get out of here. My family will not help even though they know what's going on (I was totally shocked and now I know I'm really alone).
I'm trying to stay positive and driven. Last night he got high AGAIN.so I moved into the spare bedroom. I'm trying to figure out a way out. I'm thinking I could find a job close to the house and just take a bus (I don't know how to ride the bus and. I have no one to teach me).
I just feel so stuck. I'm getting so resentful I feel like I could hurt him. I feel so alone especially now that I'm completely avoiding him but it's not worth it to act like everything is
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 96
Wow..I'm so sorry you are going through this.. Is there a way you can call the public transportation help line to see if they can inform you on how to ride the bus? That is not a healthy environment to be in. I know I'm in no place to say anything because my situation wasn't/isn't as bad.. 
God will help you through this. Please don't give up hope! We are here for you!
God will help you through this. Please don't give up hope! We are here for you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: MA
Posts: 3
Praying for your safety. I know the pain. I know the isolation. Good that u at least separated into your own space. Get to an alanon meeting if you can and tell someone your unsafe.
He should b going to jail on third oui. That will get him sober at least for the time being. Hang on.
He should b going to jail on third oui. That will get him sober at least for the time being. Hang on.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hugs to you. I am so sorry you are going through all of this. Keep checking on the shelters. If you don't have friends or family where you are...check farther away if you have to. Some will send you a bus ticket.
If he takes that much Xanax he IS physically addicted. It is a Benzo and is EXTREMELY habit forming especially if he is abusing it to the point he is that impaired.
You said everyone thinks you are fine? Who is everyone? Can you open up to even one person face to face that can help you. You have to stop lying for him and lying about yourself to those who care about you. Being with an addict makes us want to be alone. We hide what is going on from everyone who cares and isolate ourselves. I did that for years.
Recently I just stopped. Told AH I was not lying for him one more time and have not since then. I told his family, my family, friends, etc. It is a very freeing experience and most of the knew anyways and just did not talk about it b/c they feared it would make me feel akward. Life is not a bed of roses...why pretend it is something it is not? You need help....be brave enough to get it!
Find Celebrate Recovery or Alanon. Be honest there. Open up to what is going on. I attend Celebrate Recovery here for codependency. The leaders there know about all kinds of local community support someone else may not know about...it's a matter of asking them!
Keep posting and stay safe..you are not alone! Hugs!
If he takes that much Xanax he IS physically addicted. It is a Benzo and is EXTREMELY habit forming especially if he is abusing it to the point he is that impaired.
You said everyone thinks you are fine? Who is everyone? Can you open up to even one person face to face that can help you. You have to stop lying for him and lying about yourself to those who care about you. Being with an addict makes us want to be alone. We hide what is going on from everyone who cares and isolate ourselves. I did that for years.
Recently I just stopped. Told AH I was not lying for him one more time and have not since then. I told his family, my family, friends, etc. It is a very freeing experience and most of the knew anyways and just did not talk about it b/c they feared it would make me feel akward. Life is not a bed of roses...why pretend it is something it is not? You need help....be brave enough to get it!
Find Celebrate Recovery or Alanon. Be honest there. Open up to what is going on. I attend Celebrate Recovery here for codependency. The leaders there know about all kinds of local community support someone else may not know about...it's a matter of asking them!
Keep posting and stay safe..you are not alone! Hugs!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 33
Thank you everyone. If I didn't have my online support groups I wouldn't have anyone. It helps to talk to people that understand.
My family won't help for one of two reasons. They can't or they won't. Some of them have their own problems and some just don't want to be bothered. My parents say if they help me now then I'll never learn to help myself and when they're gone I won't know how to do for myself. That's only half true. The truth is my stepmother has my dad whipped and she doesn't want to help me.
I have opened up to all of my family and a lot of my friends. Some of my friends actually stopped talking to me. I guess it was just too much for them. My family didn't have much to say. I actually think all I did was give them more dirt to gossip about. It's just another thing that proves that I'm just a broken girl that makes mistake after mistake and will never amount to anything. To them I'm just like my mother (not someone I want to be compared to). I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone else.
One of the things I hate the most is the constant back and forth between breaking up when he's high and making up when he sobers up. He pulls me right back in every time. He's 12 years older than me and I think that's why he pulls me back in so easily. He's smarter and more experienced. Plus he's not walking around with the over stressed, traumatized too many things to think about head that I am. He has caused me psychological damage. I am so broken down and weary and traumatized because of the constant back and forth and the abuse and worry and resentment that I don't even recognize myself anymore. I'm getting too tired to fight for myself and I really wish someone could give me just a little break so that I can fix this situation. I almost want to just give up and let whatever happen. It's very hard for me to describe just how bad he is when he's high and just how much it's affected me.
He's managed to get me to at least stay his friend and help him get sober. I got the " If it's you or Xanax I choose you. I promise to never get high again." I know it's ******** because he's said it before. And a person can't get sober for anyone but themselves because it just doesn't work any other way. I went against my gut and I'm pissed at myself for it. I have way too many of my own problems to try to work someone else's out for them. Especially when they have a reason why every one of my ideas won't work. He refuses to go to therapy or NA. He says therapy won't help and he doesn't want to go to NA because the people are scum and they depress him.
Tonight I have to play the guessing game on whether or not he's high. I thought he was so I moved back upstairs. Then he seemed like he wasn't so I came back down. If he's not high I don't want to act like he is because then he's just going to say **** it and get high all the time. If he has to deal with the consequences of being high when he's not then what's the point of abstaining? I just can't tell. He's talking slow, forgetting things and has a dazed look. But I'm afraid to assume. I feel like I'm not respecting myself right now and it sucks. And I'm mad at him for putting me in this position and hurting me so many times that I have to guess whether he's high or not to determine where I'm going to spend my night. And I hate to admit it but I wish he would act normal because I feel very lonely tonight.
My family won't help for one of two reasons. They can't or they won't. Some of them have their own problems and some just don't want to be bothered. My parents say if they help me now then I'll never learn to help myself and when they're gone I won't know how to do for myself. That's only half true. The truth is my stepmother has my dad whipped and she doesn't want to help me.
I have opened up to all of my family and a lot of my friends. Some of my friends actually stopped talking to me. I guess it was just too much for them. My family didn't have much to say. I actually think all I did was give them more dirt to gossip about. It's just another thing that proves that I'm just a broken girl that makes mistake after mistake and will never amount to anything. To them I'm just like my mother (not someone I want to be compared to). I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone else.
One of the things I hate the most is the constant back and forth between breaking up when he's high and making up when he sobers up. He pulls me right back in every time. He's 12 years older than me and I think that's why he pulls me back in so easily. He's smarter and more experienced. Plus he's not walking around with the over stressed, traumatized too many things to think about head that I am. He has caused me psychological damage. I am so broken down and weary and traumatized because of the constant back and forth and the abuse and worry and resentment that I don't even recognize myself anymore. I'm getting too tired to fight for myself and I really wish someone could give me just a little break so that I can fix this situation. I almost want to just give up and let whatever happen. It's very hard for me to describe just how bad he is when he's high and just how much it's affected me.
He's managed to get me to at least stay his friend and help him get sober. I got the " If it's you or Xanax I choose you. I promise to never get high again." I know it's ******** because he's said it before. And a person can't get sober for anyone but themselves because it just doesn't work any other way. I went against my gut and I'm pissed at myself for it. I have way too many of my own problems to try to work someone else's out for them. Especially when they have a reason why every one of my ideas won't work. He refuses to go to therapy or NA. He says therapy won't help and he doesn't want to go to NA because the people are scum and they depress him.
Tonight I have to play the guessing game on whether or not he's high. I thought he was so I moved back upstairs. Then he seemed like he wasn't so I came back down. If he's not high I don't want to act like he is because then he's just going to say **** it and get high all the time. If he has to deal with the consequences of being high when he's not then what's the point of abstaining? I just can't tell. He's talking slow, forgetting things and has a dazed look. But I'm afraid to assume. I feel like I'm not respecting myself right now and it sucks. And I'm mad at him for putting me in this position and hurting me so many times that I have to guess whether he's high or not to determine where I'm going to spend my night. And I hate to admit it but I wish he would act normal because I feel very lonely tonight.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 33
He's on the Suboxone program. He always makes sure he cleans up long enough to pass his drug test. I'm really thinking about calling his Dr and telling him everything. Does anyone know if that would be a good idea?
I've thought about calling the cops when he's high and dropping an anonymous tip. But as I said this is already his 3rd strike and I'm 100% reliant on him. He is on social security disability for made-up mental ailments and I'm pretty sure they'd stop his check. And then I'm homeless and I lose my cats (which would throw me over the edge at this point).
I've thought about calling the cops when he's high and dropping an anonymous tip. But as I said this is already his 3rd strike and I'm 100% reliant on him. He is on social security disability for made-up mental ailments and I'm pretty sure they'd stop his check. And then I'm homeless and I lose my cats (which would throw me over the edge at this point).
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I think you just need an exit strategy for YOU. I would not obsess about is he or isn't he or anything else. Detatch and figure out how you can get out of the hell hole you are in.
YOU cannot fix him. YOU cannot make him work a program. He says therapy won't help....and he knows this how? And he does not want to go to NA because they are scum?! Ha....what is he that he is so above everyone else. You are correct, if you MAKE him pick, he will pick the drug every single time...then lie to you about it. It is making you feel crazy at this point.
I encourage you to reach out to anyone and every single program you can and get the he** out of there.
Good Luck and God Bless!
YOU cannot fix him. YOU cannot make him work a program. He says therapy won't help....and he knows this how? And he does not want to go to NA because they are scum?! Ha....what is he that he is so above everyone else. You are correct, if you MAKE him pick, he will pick the drug every single time...then lie to you about it. It is making you feel crazy at this point.
I encourage you to reach out to anyone and every single program you can and get the he** out of there.
Good Luck and God Bless!
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