dealing with anger-mostly at myself
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 29
dealing with anger-mostly at myself
As the dust and smoke settles on my 3 1/2 dysfunctional, codependent relationship with my now addict ex of two weeks- I am reeling inside of all the lying and manipulation I allowed, just to be loved, and the awareness of how rock bottom my self worth really is. The blinders I chose to wear are off now as another huge elaborate lie was revealed to me two weeks ago(has had a girlfriend for three months while telling me how much he missed me, loved me more than anyone in the world and yadda yadda yadda.) When I found out, I was dropped like a nuisance and a piece of trash. bye bye. Treated so coldly and chillingly. I cant wrap my mind around the enormity of the lies over the years.
I am sick with anger of the time and resources I wasted on this relationship. I am astounded that I was okay with him taking, taking, taking. I am furious I enabled his humongous lie(that he was in recovery, he had very smart sounding rationalizations for not being in recovery) and that everyone in his life seems to look at him like some kind of success story of beating the odds, when I am the only one who knows hes still been doing drugs these past three years. I kept his "chipping" a secret, even to myself really! So sick. I don't even know the extent of it(we lived an hour away), but I know plenty. Can he really have everyone that snowed by the b*llshit? He kept his circles compartmentalized so expertly, no one interacted with each other much.
Last year I told him to leave, after finding a rubber strap and drug seeking texts on craigslist. Something cracked in me and I had finally stopped lying to myself about all the clues and excuses and lies and manipulations. I was also very scared for him, realizing that he could DIE(20 year speedball addict with three prison terms was not a deterrent- oh my god). I threatened him(I know now this was wrong) that I was going to call his sister, no one knew but me and the burden was so huge, and he left, just like that. He has been gone a year, and we still maintained a relationship everyday by phone. Which was me not wanting to really look and go through what I am now feeling. I also thought we really cared about each other and wanted him in my life, but I couldn't live like that anymore. So he has been gone for awhile.
It makes me nauseous to type those last sentences, knowing what crumbs I was settling for, just to avoid, well to avoid what I'm feeling right now, I suppose. Denial of what really was. I feel WAY sicker then he is. In the past year, I have been going to coda meetings took up yoga, biking, meditation in order to improve my life but still had my emotions invested in this man that I see now used me. And now he's moved on to a wealthy 60 year old widow that retired to Florida. It's so cliche but I can't laugh, I am hurting. He is wooing her right now like he wooed me, it makes me shiver and it hurts that I was so blind.
A year before he moved, while still living in San Francisco, he collapsed and went to hospital in an ambulance. Deep vein thrombosis in his groin. I didn't investigate then, but just did now and found that this is common with iv users. I am so sad that I was living a lie and how little I cared for myself. My self worth over the course of the relationship eroded so badly, I am really digging out of a deep hole.
I am so disgusted with myself for being so naive, trusting, forgiving and stupid. Because now I sit here with this avalanche of realizations slamming into me that I suppressed and rationalized away and it's affecting my work and other relationships. I am still involved in it and I want it to go AWAY. I know I have to mourn this, and that I am lucky he is so far away from me, it will be so much easier.
My two questions are:
How do you begin to forgive yourself for the harm you brought on yourself by staying in such a sick relationship?
This last elaborate lie, I feel I took 20 steps back. For the last two weeks, my success at self care disappeared. From someone else's actions, I abandoned myself again. Smoking increased, haven't taken one bike ride, ordering pizza instead of healthy food. Feeling so unworthy, unlovable and abandoned. I was making such progress and all it took was another thoughtless, cold rejection to put me right back in the pain. That really scared me. Why did this happen? Can someone explain? Why is it so important to me that this man love me, when clearly he doesn't?
I have had no contact since I initially found out. That would be like sticking my head into a bucket of poisonous snakes, that's how scary the prospect of that is. Because I caught him in a huge lie again and he will hurt me for it.
Sorry this is such a disjointed post, I had to talk and tell someone. I have been isolating with this experience because of shame, and need the support.
I am sick with anger of the time and resources I wasted on this relationship. I am astounded that I was okay with him taking, taking, taking. I am furious I enabled his humongous lie(that he was in recovery, he had very smart sounding rationalizations for not being in recovery) and that everyone in his life seems to look at him like some kind of success story of beating the odds, when I am the only one who knows hes still been doing drugs these past three years. I kept his "chipping" a secret, even to myself really! So sick. I don't even know the extent of it(we lived an hour away), but I know plenty. Can he really have everyone that snowed by the b*llshit? He kept his circles compartmentalized so expertly, no one interacted with each other much.
Last year I told him to leave, after finding a rubber strap and drug seeking texts on craigslist. Something cracked in me and I had finally stopped lying to myself about all the clues and excuses and lies and manipulations. I was also very scared for him, realizing that he could DIE(20 year speedball addict with three prison terms was not a deterrent- oh my god). I threatened him(I know now this was wrong) that I was going to call his sister, no one knew but me and the burden was so huge, and he left, just like that. He has been gone a year, and we still maintained a relationship everyday by phone. Which was me not wanting to really look and go through what I am now feeling. I also thought we really cared about each other and wanted him in my life, but I couldn't live like that anymore. So he has been gone for awhile.
It makes me nauseous to type those last sentences, knowing what crumbs I was settling for, just to avoid, well to avoid what I'm feeling right now, I suppose. Denial of what really was. I feel WAY sicker then he is. In the past year, I have been going to coda meetings took up yoga, biking, meditation in order to improve my life but still had my emotions invested in this man that I see now used me. And now he's moved on to a wealthy 60 year old widow that retired to Florida. It's so cliche but I can't laugh, I am hurting. He is wooing her right now like he wooed me, it makes me shiver and it hurts that I was so blind.
A year before he moved, while still living in San Francisco, he collapsed and went to hospital in an ambulance. Deep vein thrombosis in his groin. I didn't investigate then, but just did now and found that this is common with iv users. I am so sad that I was living a lie and how little I cared for myself. My self worth over the course of the relationship eroded so badly, I am really digging out of a deep hole.
I am so disgusted with myself for being so naive, trusting, forgiving and stupid. Because now I sit here with this avalanche of realizations slamming into me that I suppressed and rationalized away and it's affecting my work and other relationships. I am still involved in it and I want it to go AWAY. I know I have to mourn this, and that I am lucky he is so far away from me, it will be so much easier.
My two questions are:
How do you begin to forgive yourself for the harm you brought on yourself by staying in such a sick relationship?
This last elaborate lie, I feel I took 20 steps back. For the last two weeks, my success at self care disappeared. From someone else's actions, I abandoned myself again. Smoking increased, haven't taken one bike ride, ordering pizza instead of healthy food. Feeling so unworthy, unlovable and abandoned. I was making such progress and all it took was another thoughtless, cold rejection to put me right back in the pain. That really scared me. Why did this happen? Can someone explain? Why is it so important to me that this man love me, when clearly he doesn't?
I have had no contact since I initially found out. That would be like sticking my head into a bucket of poisonous snakes, that's how scary the prospect of that is. Because I caught him in a huge lie again and he will hurt me for it.
Sorry this is such a disjointed post, I had to talk and tell someone. I have been isolating with this experience because of shame, and need the support.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 29
Forgot to address the anger:
I am so mad he gets to spin a whole new reality about himself in a different state, and I am still hurting. He wants me gone because I know the truth, and that hurts.
I went to a naranon meeting last night and fumed as everyone was discussing how to deal with their addict and how it is a disease of the brain. I shared that I did not want to talk about the addict, that I was f*cking pissed and hurt and used and tossed aside and I want to talk about the way addicts hurt people, not feel understanding. I don't think this is what naranon meetings are for, but I was desperate for understanding yesterday, and just so angry that I was even in a naranon meeting after a year+ of him being gone. I now feel badly, AGAIN. He is feeling just fine, great even. So angry.
I am so mad he gets to spin a whole new reality about himself in a different state, and I am still hurting. He wants me gone because I know the truth, and that hurts.
I went to a naranon meeting last night and fumed as everyone was discussing how to deal with their addict and how it is a disease of the brain. I shared that I did not want to talk about the addict, that I was f*cking pissed and hurt and used and tossed aside and I want to talk about the way addicts hurt people, not feel understanding. I don't think this is what naranon meetings are for, but I was desperate for understanding yesterday, and just so angry that I was even in a naranon meeting after a year+ of him being gone. I now feel badly, AGAIN. He is feeling just fine, great even. So angry.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Hello, welcome to the forum. We know how much courage it takes to finally reach out so kudos to you for doing so. I'm really sorry for what has brought you here but can assure you you've found a great spot for support.
Many of us found our way here by sheer desperation. Knowing we had hit our own "bottoms" and had to do something to save ourselves. We've all dealt with the feelings of shame, confusion, anger, disgust....mostly related to our own behaviors.
It has been said...when we know better...we do better. You are acknowledging you deserve better and that you want change. That is a great spot to start!! You are acknowledging you are powerless over your loved ones addiction. Welcome to the club! If love could fix people none of us would be here.
So...it does sound like you enjoy some very healthy pursuits. Good for you! Keep posting here, read the stickies at the top of the forum, perhaps find a nar-anon or al-anon meeting, or even private therapy....just to sort through residual feelings you may be having. A gratitude journal has helped me immensely. Despite the fact that my son is actively using....I still have so much to be thankful for. Once I started putting pen to paper I've found I tend to focus more on what is good in my life.
Most importantly....be gentle with yourself. You certainly aren't the first person who has put their faith in a recovering addict to have it pulled out from under you. Let the silver fox have him! You've got a better life headed your way! Big hugs to you today.
Many of us found our way here by sheer desperation. Knowing we had hit our own "bottoms" and had to do something to save ourselves. We've all dealt with the feelings of shame, confusion, anger, disgust....mostly related to our own behaviors.
It has been said...when we know better...we do better. You are acknowledging you deserve better and that you want change. That is a great spot to start!! You are acknowledging you are powerless over your loved ones addiction. Welcome to the club! If love could fix people none of us would be here.
So...it does sound like you enjoy some very healthy pursuits. Good for you! Keep posting here, read the stickies at the top of the forum, perhaps find a nar-anon or al-anon meeting, or even private therapy....just to sort through residual feelings you may be having. A gratitude journal has helped me immensely. Despite the fact that my son is actively using....I still have so much to be thankful for. Once I started putting pen to paper I've found I tend to focus more on what is good in my life.
Most importantly....be gentle with yourself. You certainly aren't the first person who has put their faith in a recovering addict to have it pulled out from under you. Let the silver fox have him! You've got a better life headed your way! Big hugs to you today.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 29
Thank you lizwig- I am so glad I found this place and have been glued to it, reading hundreds of posts. This has helped me realize and also get validation that I am not crazy and untrusting and mean, all things he has said at one point or another...
A close friend of mine yesterday pointed out that I care more about his opinion of me than I care about my own opinion of me, and that I look at myself through his eyes, believing what he sees instead of standing in my reality, and what I believe. This is so very true, his opinion and "version of events" has more importance than mine, and it hurts and is so scary and embarrassing to admit.
A close friend of mine yesterday pointed out that I care more about his opinion of me than I care about my own opinion of me, and that I look at myself through his eyes, believing what he sees instead of standing in my reality, and what I believe. This is so very true, his opinion and "version of events" has more importance than mine, and it hurts and is so scary and embarrassing to admit.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 29
I am also very angry that he was developing and in a relationship with someone else as I was open and honest about feeling lonely, stuck in the house I own, just vulnerable things I was sharing and he was creating a new relationship while I was struggling with personal issues and thinking he was a real friend, he was saying he was lonely too. And I know I have no one to blame but myself for the pain I am in now. I want to stop thinking about this but I know that's not the answer either because I have to really look at why I fell in love with this person.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Just remember, he may be feeling great for now, but he will not be for long. DVT is just the first thing to happen to him. He will suffer mentally and physicall for his drug use.
You my friend are doing great! You have cut off contact, you have went to a meeting. You are focusing on YOU....that is wonderful! So you had some pizza and a pity party? Who cares...hop right back up, dust off and see this for what it is...YOU ARE FREE OF HIM! Did you have love for him, sure. Does love mean we should be with that person...NO! It sounds like he does not love himself even.
It will not be you who is taking care of him when he is in the throes of the physical and mental damage HE IS DOING TO HIMSELF. And no, you are not to blame for the pain. It is a reaction you will work through. You did not cause it, you could not control it and YOU CANNOT CURE IT!
As far as his relationship, let her be a slave to his disfunction...bet it does not last too long! A user can pretend they have their life together and "court" someone but they show their true colors pretty quickly.
Chin Up....You can do this and you are not alone..we are here taking those steps with you!
You my friend are doing great! You have cut off contact, you have went to a meeting. You are focusing on YOU....that is wonderful! So you had some pizza and a pity party? Who cares...hop right back up, dust off and see this for what it is...YOU ARE FREE OF HIM! Did you have love for him, sure. Does love mean we should be with that person...NO! It sounds like he does not love himself even.
It will not be you who is taking care of him when he is in the throes of the physical and mental damage HE IS DOING TO HIMSELF. And no, you are not to blame for the pain. It is a reaction you will work through. You did not cause it, you could not control it and YOU CANNOT CURE IT!
As far as his relationship, let her be a slave to his disfunction...bet it does not last too long! A user can pretend they have their life together and "court" someone but they show their true colors pretty quickly.
Chin Up....You can do this and you are not alone..we are here taking those steps with you!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
because I have to really look at why I fell in love with this person.
THIS^^^. this is the gift of it all. oh i know, doesn't look like much a "gift" right now....looks like a ungodly mess.....but the Universe has a strange way of getting thru to us.
this popped out at me: Why is it so important to me that this man love me, when clearly he doesn't? i know too well what it is like to try so hard to get LOVE from the Unemotional Unavailable...we could go back to when my mother and father split when i was about a year old...all i had was a few pictures to ever show there had ever been a father. why did he leave? they were fine, happy, got married, and then i came along........and he left. those were the thoughts i had as a child....and since i never voiced them, nobody ever told me different.
then there was my mom. cool, distant, busy, and it always seemed i was somehow quite inconvenient. in the way. an obligation. it wasn't that she had contempt for me, i was fed clothed schooled, but it seemed to border on resentment, as if it any minute she would should out "if it weren't for YOU...."
i spent a long long time going about being "loved" or what i thought was love in all the wrong ways. looking to the exact wrong people. trying to get it right, make it right. only to slowly piece together i was going about it all wrong.
i was fortunate to land in AA in '87, and began working the steps with fervor. digging, digging deeper. and slowly, like using child's safety scissors to cut thru a turkish tapesty, bit by bit, cutting thru it, separating the past from the present. working also with a counselor. wish i could say that only took about a week or so.
the truth can hurt. but it also sets us free.
THIS^^^. this is the gift of it all. oh i know, doesn't look like much a "gift" right now....looks like a ungodly mess.....but the Universe has a strange way of getting thru to us.
this popped out at me: Why is it so important to me that this man love me, when clearly he doesn't? i know too well what it is like to try so hard to get LOVE from the Unemotional Unavailable...we could go back to when my mother and father split when i was about a year old...all i had was a few pictures to ever show there had ever been a father. why did he leave? they were fine, happy, got married, and then i came along........and he left. those were the thoughts i had as a child....and since i never voiced them, nobody ever told me different.
then there was my mom. cool, distant, busy, and it always seemed i was somehow quite inconvenient. in the way. an obligation. it wasn't that she had contempt for me, i was fed clothed schooled, but it seemed to border on resentment, as if it any minute she would should out "if it weren't for YOU...."
i spent a long long time going about being "loved" or what i thought was love in all the wrong ways. looking to the exact wrong people. trying to get it right, make it right. only to slowly piece together i was going about it all wrong.
i was fortunate to land in AA in '87, and began working the steps with fervor. digging, digging deeper. and slowly, like using child's safety scissors to cut thru a turkish tapesty, bit by bit, cutting thru it, separating the past from the present. working also with a counselor. wish i could say that only took about a week or so.
the truth can hurt. but it also sets us free.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 29
Going to work at the job I've had for 26 years now, like the responsible and boring sucker drone that I am, to pay my bills and mortgage, while he is falling in love and hanging out on the beautiful beaches of Florida. Did I say I was angry?
Hopeful4- he has had a lifetime of things like that, he used to steal for his money, been in jail and prison and hospitals countless times. And now it seems as if its all in the past and he FINALLY found happiness, and I am part of the past, the bad past. He's doing great, I am suffering. It's so unfair I could spit fire.
I feel so ugly, inside and out right now.
I will respond more when I get home, yes Anvil, I have similar experience.
Thank you all for being here. Crying.
Hopeful4- he has had a lifetime of things like that, he used to steal for his money, been in jail and prison and hospitals countless times. And now it seems as if its all in the past and he FINALLY found happiness, and I am part of the past, the bad past. He's doing great, I am suffering. It's so unfair I could spit fire.
I feel so ugly, inside and out right now.
I will respond more when I get home, yes Anvil, I have similar experience.
Thank you all for being here. Crying.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Yes, you are going to work to pay a mortgage for a home you will own. It is called a future. My point here being...I would say he may be happy now...but I seriously doubt it will be long lived. Addiction will not let it.
Originally Posted by brugmansia 
Going to work at the job I've had for 26 years now, like the responsible and boring sucker drone that I am, to pay my bills and mortgage, while he is falling in love and hanging out on the beautiful beaches of Florida. Did I say I was angry?
Hopeful4- he has had a lifetime of things like that, he used to steal for his money, been in jail and prison and hospitals countless times. And now it seems as if its all in the past and he FINALLY found happiness, and I am part of the past, the bad past. He's doing great, I am suffering. It's so unfair I could spit fire.
I feel so ugly, inside and out right now.
I will respond more when I get home, yes Anvil, I have similar experience.
Thank you all for being here. Crying.
Hopeful4- he has had a lifetime of things like that, he used to steal for his money, been in jail and prison and hospitals countless times. And now it seems as if its all in the past and he FINALLY found happiness, and I am part of the past, the bad past. He's doing great, I am suffering. It's so unfair I could spit fire.
I feel so ugly, inside and out right now.
I will respond more when I get home, yes Anvil, I have similar experience.
Thank you all for being here. Crying.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 29
Just looked at facebook(only the very top, covered the screen with a piece of paper so I wouldn't see anything. He sent a message- "This is horrible. Not knowing how you are." More measly crumbs with no effort but a couple punches of the keyboard.
I think he means "I am taking the temperature of how angry you are, to see if you are going to finally blow my lies to bits and tell my family and girlfriend what a huge liar I am."
I think he means "I am taking the temperature of how angry you are, to see if you are going to finally blow my lies to bits and tell my family and girlfriend what a huge liar I am."
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 29
Hopeful4- the problem there is I agree with him. I do. I don't really like the life I have made for myself here but right now this is my reality. He never respected me for it. Thought I was a fool. And now he gets bailed out to Florida and gets a fresh start and I am living my boring life. I am so sick of MYSELF.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
If YOU are unhappy with your own life...time to look openly, honestly and see what you can do to change that. Block him from Facebook and any other social media, phone, etc. Stop comparing his life to yours. Forget his life all together and focus on YOU and what YOU can do to make yourself a happier person. Make goals,even if they are small ones and work towards what will make you happy! And no...I do not mean another person...I mean what YOU can do to make YOU happy!
Originally Posted by brugmansia
Hopeful4- the problem there is I agree with him. I do. I don't really like the life I have made for myself here but right now this is my reality. He never respected me for it. Thought I was a fool. And now he gets bailed out to Florida and gets a fresh start and I am living my boring life. I am so sick of MYSELF.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
he used to steal for his money, been in jail and prison and hospitals countless times.
Going to work at the job I've had for 26 years now, like the responsible and boring sucker drone that I am, to pay my bills and mortgage
and which life would you really rather have???? i've been at my job 22 years now, pay my bills, pay my mortgage, and while perhaps i am not joyously ENTHUSED at 5 or 6am with the prospect of the hour commute each way (why do we always say that? like it takes an hour to GET there but only 20 mins to get back???LOL) and i really don't think i'd want to trade that in on a life of crime that includes jail, prison and hospitalizations, OR feeding off of a 60 year old to support me????
He never respected YOU? well he sure has a whole body of work there to support that type of thinking. NOT. he's a user and a abuser. has the heart of a mosquito.
if there are things about your own life you aren't happy with, you an change them at ANY TIME. YOU get to color your world however you deem fit.
Going to work at the job I've had for 26 years now, like the responsible and boring sucker drone that I am, to pay my bills and mortgage
and which life would you really rather have???? i've been at my job 22 years now, pay my bills, pay my mortgage, and while perhaps i am not joyously ENTHUSED at 5 or 6am with the prospect of the hour commute each way (why do we always say that? like it takes an hour to GET there but only 20 mins to get back???LOL) and i really don't think i'd want to trade that in on a life of crime that includes jail, prison and hospitalizations, OR feeding off of a 60 year old to support me????
He never respected YOU? well he sure has a whole body of work there to support that type of thinking. NOT. he's a user and a abuser. has the heart of a mosquito.
if there are things about your own life you aren't happy with, you an change them at ANY TIME. YOU get to color your world however you deem fit.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 29
If YOU are unhappy with your own life...time to look openly, honestly and see what you can do to change that.
Honestly- Hopeful4, I can barely do my ordinary life stuff(dishes, work, bills). I walk every morning and it has been a small but reliable daily pleasure. The walks have suddenly turned painful instead of rejuvenating-because of the no contact with the ex. I suppose this is what codependent withdrawals are like? It's upsetting me and frightening me.
Is time the only answer? Can I speed this part WAY up??? Can you tell me what you did when you were feeling this way? I was making so much progress, I can't believe how much power his actions have over my life.
I am truly humbled by it today.
I was gearing up for putting my energy into looking for a new job. That energy is gone.
Anvil- I guess this pain is also giving up the illusion and stepping back into reality. It's so painful. I need to have faith that I will feel better soon. I am resisting the pain I guess because I feel I have already experienced so much pain about him, and here I am again. While he's with a new woman. I cant get the images out of my head of his life to care about mine.
I went out with a girlfriend last night, I couldn't have a good time. Is this all normal or am I wallowing or what. I don't trust my judgement when it comes to my ex.
Thank you so much for responding. I so appreciate the support.
Honestly- Hopeful4, I can barely do my ordinary life stuff(dishes, work, bills). I walk every morning and it has been a small but reliable daily pleasure. The walks have suddenly turned painful instead of rejuvenating-because of the no contact with the ex. I suppose this is what codependent withdrawals are like? It's upsetting me and frightening me.
Is time the only answer? Can I speed this part WAY up??? Can you tell me what you did when you were feeling this way? I was making so much progress, I can't believe how much power his actions have over my life.
I am truly humbled by it today.
I was gearing up for putting my energy into looking for a new job. That energy is gone.
Anvil- I guess this pain is also giving up the illusion and stepping back into reality. It's so painful. I need to have faith that I will feel better soon. I am resisting the pain I guess because I feel I have already experienced so much pain about him, and here I am again. While he's with a new woman. I cant get the images out of my head of his life to care about mine.
I went out with a girlfriend last night, I couldn't have a good time. Is this all normal or am I wallowing or what. I don't trust my judgement when it comes to my ex.
Thank you so much for responding. I so appreciate the support.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 29
I also want to add that this has been such a rollercoaster of emotion. up, down, up down.
Does this mean I was using my ex to regulate my emotions? Can I slow down this clarity/ realization avalanche a little bit? How do I do that. God- I am a mess right now. Why is it such a challenge to think "You aren't good for me, therefore I am happy and at peace that you are gone?" Instead of zeroing in on every flaw and misstep I took? I keep feeling that hot flushed feeling of shame.
Does this mean I was using my ex to regulate my emotions? Can I slow down this clarity/ realization avalanche a little bit? How do I do that. God- I am a mess right now. Why is it such a challenge to think "You aren't good for me, therefore I am happy and at peace that you are gone?" Instead of zeroing in on every flaw and misstep I took? I keep feeling that hot flushed feeling of shame.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 65
Hey there,
While I'm in no position to give advice (I only got taken for 8-10 months), I just thought you'd like to know that things do get better. Time and distance are your friend. As long as you're still enmeshed, your addict will use every tool available to keep you coming back, and enabling. Once you get a little bit of psychological freedom (it kinda feels like coming back to the real world, where people are more or less predictable, and every moment isn't nuts), you'll realize that life really is pretty cool once all the drama is gone, and how amazing you can be when you're not spending all on energy on someone elses problems.
While I'm in no position to give advice (I only got taken for 8-10 months), I just thought you'd like to know that things do get better. Time and distance are your friend. As long as you're still enmeshed, your addict will use every tool available to keep you coming back, and enabling. Once you get a little bit of psychological freedom (it kinda feels like coming back to the real world, where people are more or less predictable, and every moment isn't nuts), you'll realize that life really is pretty cool once all the drama is gone, and how amazing you can be when you're not spending all on energy on someone elses problems.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 427
I busted my rear putting my AXH through college, working shifts, moving out of state for him to go to the school of his dreams, moving for his jobs, because I thought that maybe helping him to things that make him happy, and excel in his life, would make him appreciate clean living since he was already clean for a few years. Boy was I wrong, I was right for a little while, but then it all fell apart. What I'm getting at is that you can't be mad at yourself for giving, just make sure you give to yourself now. I did more than just all of that and I was angry for a little while as well, but you have to look at the positives, more than all that work I did to support him to while in pursuit of his dream, more than all of my pawned sentimental items etc...I would not trade all of the life long friends that I've made because of our moves for his school and jobs. He's the one that has to deal with the shame and guilt when he finally does feel them. Don't waste your time being angry with yourself. What's the point of him treating you so poorly, then YOU treating yourself poorly via anger on top of it. Be kind to yourself. We all make mistakes, pick out the good stuff that came from it and move on.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 29
Woah- looking back at my posts, lots of resentment that I've been avoiding looking at. I am so so embarrassed I believed him. Why does this cause me such shame? Letting go is so hard- letting go while someone dismisses your feelings and is in a new relationship is overwhelming to me.
what I will do to help me today:
no contact
when the thoughts of shame come, gratitude list. Switch to gratitude.
Coda meeting- I've been going but no sponsor or step work.
Contact three people today instead of isolating
Focus on today-not the past or future.
Having a very challenging time focusing on my life instead of his. His absence is showing the void I've been trying to fill with an unavailable man.
I cant tell if I am in self pity or legitimately processing the feelings. maybe a mixture of both.
what I will do to help me today:
no contact
when the thoughts of shame come, gratitude list. Switch to gratitude.
Coda meeting- I've been going but no sponsor or step work.
Contact three people today instead of isolating
Focus on today-not the past or future.
Having a very challenging time focusing on my life instead of his. His absence is showing the void I've been trying to fill with an unavailable man.
I cant tell if I am in self pity or legitimately processing the feelings. maybe a mixture of both.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 427
It's very hard to process, but it will get better, I promise it does. Just focus on healthy things for yourself. So what he's in a new relationship, is a relationship with an addict/alcoholic a good relationship for you or anyone else? No! Let him be someone else's problem. You have great qualities focus on those. When i'm going through a very hard time, I go volunteer. It always makes me feel better like I'm doing something worthwhile and not focusing on all of the bad stuff that's going on, gives your mind a break.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 29
That's my biggest fear. That he left me and is now healthier and better off.
I don't know if he stopped using there. He is living with his parents so it would be difficult I think. How feasible is it that Aex was using here, left and had an epiphany, life is so good now he doesn't have to use, all he needed was to be with his family, without any recovery type of program? From a hardcore heroin addict all his life?
He has always insisted it can be done. The picture I saw of his new girlfriend was with two glasses of wine. He doesn't drink wine. That was baffling. He has always claimed he can drink a beer, and it is okay.
I don't know if he stopped using there. He is living with his parents so it would be difficult I think. How feasible is it that Aex was using here, left and had an epiphany, life is so good now he doesn't have to use, all he needed was to be with his family, without any recovery type of program? From a hardcore heroin addict all his life?
He has always insisted it can be done. The picture I saw of his new girlfriend was with two glasses of wine. He doesn't drink wine. That was baffling. He has always claimed he can drink a beer, and it is okay.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
