dealing with anger-mostly at myself
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 427
brugmansia, you cannot think like that, it's like you're blaming yourself for his addiction. Live by the three C's! You didn't cause it, you cannot cure it, and you can't control it!
Focus on the fact that you are free of it. If these feelings progress I would definitely see a counselor because you will end up beating yourself down further, and you don't deserve that.
An addict doesn't just miraculously stop because he moved. It just doesn't work like that. They have to do lots of work to maintain sobriety or to get clean in the first place. The question is, why are you taking this personally? When the addict is using, they just don't care about the rest of us, they care about the drug and when their next fix is. You are trying to analyze a situation that you just can't. My AXH is a heroin addict, and trust me, they can't love you and heroin at the same time. The first healthy thing you can do is to stop cyber stalking. It's not doing you any good and it's only helping you obsess about him. It just is not healthy for you at all. Plus everyone looks like they are happy on social networking, it's the biggest lie ever!
Focus on the fact that you are free of it. If these feelings progress I would definitely see a counselor because you will end up beating yourself down further, and you don't deserve that.
An addict doesn't just miraculously stop because he moved. It just doesn't work like that. They have to do lots of work to maintain sobriety or to get clean in the first place. The question is, why are you taking this personally? When the addict is using, they just don't care about the rest of us, they care about the drug and when their next fix is. You are trying to analyze a situation that you just can't. My AXH is a heroin addict, and trust me, they can't love you and heroin at the same time. The first healthy thing you can do is to stop cyber stalking. It's not doing you any good and it's only helping you obsess about him. It just is not healthy for you at all. Plus everyone looks like they are happy on social networking, it's the biggest lie ever!
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 29
Thanks overit- I did stop cyberstalking. No way would I continue that. The pictures were how I found out-haven't looked since then. It's been three weeks now. I agree about the false image of FB- It blindsided me because I had zero idea he was in a relationship. He was telling me he loved me and all kinds of stuff while beginning this new thing.
I've got "don't take his actions personally" taped to my bathroom mirror. Also "you are here, right now, and worthy of a great and interesting life. Focus on today." Many more all over the house.
I've got abandonment issues from my Dad leaving my mom and remarrying "the love of his life" and having another child while neglecting my sis and I. This quick dumping is hitting me hard.
"I am powerless over his actions, I am empowering myself through my actions, which I do have control over." This is where I want to be in all this. This will be my new mantra for today. It is a struggle and hard work to stay there.
Thank you so much for the support.
I've got "don't take his actions personally" taped to my bathroom mirror. Also "you are here, right now, and worthy of a great and interesting life. Focus on today." Many more all over the house.
I've got abandonment issues from my Dad leaving my mom and remarrying "the love of his life" and having another child while neglecting my sis and I. This quick dumping is hitting me hard.
"I am powerless over his actions, I am empowering myself through my actions, which I do have control over." This is where I want to be in all this. This will be my new mantra for today. It is a struggle and hard work to stay there.
Thank you so much for the support.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 427
You are doing pretty good then Brugmansia! You should be proud of yourself for taking steps to be a healthier you! You probably would have never done that had you still been with him. I have alcoholic parents so my dad was phsically abusive when he was around, and my mom was mentally abusive, so I kind of know how you feel with the hurt of not having a great parental unit. Maybe the positive from your ex boyfriend leaving is that you are becoming an overall healthier you? We're all here for you, you are doing a great job!
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 29
True- when he left suddenly last year, I lost 35 pounds in 4 months by eating healthier and exercising out the anger and frustration. I would not have done that had I not gone through the sudden abandonment. I felt great!
Trying to be gentle with myself over the new betrayal and feeling disappointment in myself for trusting him when his actions were so indicative he was using me the whole time. It hurts. I cant discern if this is self pity or necessary to face or what. I have so little faith in my decisions.
Just journaling my thoughts here has helped me get clearer.
Trying to be gentle with myself over the new betrayal and feeling disappointment in myself for trusting him when his actions were so indicative he was using me the whole time. It hurts. I cant discern if this is self pity or necessary to face or what. I have so little faith in my decisions.
Just journaling my thoughts here has helped me get clearer.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Do you know for sure that his life is so much rosier than it was before? Or is he lying to make you think it is? One never knows. You can't wallow in pain forever. It will take time to heal. Addicts have a way of twisting the reality of those around them to suit their needs. It hurts. But you can't beat yourself up about it. It is like continually pouring salt in an open wound. You can heal and move on. Think about this 60 year old widow? Do you think that she has any inkling of the pain that waits ahead if she stays with this guy?
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 427
We need to pull ourselves out of this. It's easy to get sucked into a funk (as I did just over the weekend) but I feel much better now. As long as you know the pain isn't going to last and that we are all going to be okay in the long run. This world is too big of a place to worry about these men that haven't been very good to us!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I've got "don't take his actions personally" taped to my bathroom mirror. Also "you are here, right now, and worthy of a great and interesting life. Focus on today." Many more all over the house.
I've got abandonment issues from my Dad leaving my mom and remarrying "the love of his life" and having another child while neglecting my sis and I. This quick dumping is hitting me hard.
"I am powerless over his actions, I am empowering myself through my actions, which I do have control over." This is where I want to be in all this. This will be my new mantra for today. It is a struggle and hard work to stay there.
2 of the 3 affirmations you list are focused on HIM....affirmations focus on US.
don't take his actions personally
what others do does not affect me, unless I allow it.
I am powerless over his actions
what others do does not affect me, unless I allow it.
your outlook is under going a revision. HE may be the catalyst, but he is not the "problem" - letting others define you. giving away your power, abdicating your self empowerment and self worth to others......those are the things you can change.
don't make this about HIM. make this about YOU. don't worry about the state of anyone's life except your own.
I've got abandonment issues from my Dad leaving my mom and remarrying "the love of his life" and having another child while neglecting my sis and I. This quick dumping is hitting me hard.
"I am powerless over his actions, I am empowering myself through my actions, which I do have control over." This is where I want to be in all this. This will be my new mantra for today. It is a struggle and hard work to stay there.
2 of the 3 affirmations you list are focused on HIM....affirmations focus on US.
don't take his actions personally
what others do does not affect me, unless I allow it.
I am powerless over his actions
what others do does not affect me, unless I allow it.
your outlook is under going a revision. HE may be the catalyst, but he is not the "problem" - letting others define you. giving away your power, abdicating your self empowerment and self worth to others......those are the things you can change.
don't make this about HIM. make this about YOU. don't worry about the state of anyone's life except your own.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 123
Brugmamsia- I'm so sorry you feel this way, and I feel your pain through your words. I cant entirely relate to your situation- bc I still live with my AH and still struggling with that. But I understand what someone else's addiction does to us and the heartache, pain, anxiety, and anger it causes in us.
It will get better for you because he is gone. If he gets better and recovers from his addiction while not with you- good for him! It's not your concern any more and it is a godsend for you dear. I'm married to mine and have his child and still trying to find the courage to seperate myself. You kicked him out- more then I can say for myself. Be proud of yourself for taking action- its so hard and you did it!
Time heals- I promise you this. Take each day one by one. Staying busy helps as you have found. But I really feel that you made need some private therapy to help sort your feelings out. Please be kind to yourself, and remember you are free of a terrible beast (addiction) that will only attack you more and more daily if you are around it.
Stay healthy, surround yourself with healthy people. In time you will heal.
Big hugs to you.
It will get better for you because he is gone. If he gets better and recovers from his addiction while not with you- good for him! It's not your concern any more and it is a godsend for you dear. I'm married to mine and have his child and still trying to find the courage to seperate myself. You kicked him out- more then I can say for myself. Be proud of yourself for taking action- its so hard and you did it!
Time heals- I promise you this. Take each day one by one. Staying busy helps as you have found. But I really feel that you made need some private therapy to help sort your feelings out. Please be kind to yourself, and remember you are free of a terrible beast (addiction) that will only attack you more and more daily if you are around it.
Stay healthy, surround yourself with healthy people. In time you will heal.
Big hugs to you.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Davis, CA
Posts: 19
I want to thank Brugmansia for creating this thread and everyone else for responding. I've recently separated from my AH, 1 week out. SHEESH! I had a mini nervous breakdown during the Thanksgiving holiday which was quiet embarrassing. Anyhow, I'm taking it one day at a time but I can relate to every single feeling you described. The anger, the self hate for giving so much to someone that in all honesty, never cared. It hurts but I'm confident this gut wrenching pain will refine me in some way shape or form. It's part of my life journey and moving forward is the only way. Yes, sometimes I'm paralyzed with fear and sadness but give it a minute, the feelings will subside. We've been given the gift of clarity and a chance at a wonderful life. I'm taking it!!!! It's time to love me and take care of me. I gave and gave until I had depleted myself of everything...I'm ready to replenish my soul on my own. I'm not willing to wait for that person to hit bottom or get it so that I can feel ok. Hugs Brugmansia...your future is bright...bust out those shades! 
PS I doubt that his relationship will work out. :-/ My AH did the same thing to me and it was all good till the honeymoon was over, that and she was also an addict. He came crawling back to me and like a MAROON I took him back. Gosh the things I allowed. It's just a reminder to me how much work I have ahead of me regarding self esteem issues. But it's worth it, I'm worth it and gosh darn it...SO ARE U!
PS I doubt that his relationship will work out. :-/ My AH did the same thing to me and it was all good till the honeymoon was over, that and she was also an addict. He came crawling back to me and like a MAROON I took him back. Gosh the things I allowed. It's just a reminder to me how much work I have ahead of me regarding self esteem issues. But it's worth it, I'm worth it and gosh darn it...SO ARE U!
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