MaeLee

Hello. I am new here. Just reaching out and getting as much advice as I can on overcoming my co-dependent disease. See, my ex fiance and father to my son, is an addict. He's addicted to many things like gambling, sex, pornography, alcohol, and crystal meth. :-(. I just discovered that I have been addicted to his addiction in trying to save him. I guess I could of picked it up from the stress of dealing with my addict mother growing up. Anywho, I have made a decision to stop all contact from him (for my well being). It's been going well, so far. However, I'm seeking advice or support to stand my ground. If that's allowed. Anyone out there successfully overcoming their co-dependency? I'm worse than I thought. I don't eat much, I struggle to take care of myself most days. Like washing my face. I need my life back for my kids. I take care of them just fine, but it's a task due to my self neglect. What are some steps I should take? What if my ex fiance starts to notice my "no contact" plan and does something crazy? He still has a house key to my home that he stole and won't give back. Yea. I forgot to hide those among other things.Smh. Could my fears be unrealistic all together and possibly hindering my growth? Anywho, God Bless and thanx in advance for any advice.

jjj111

MaeLee, it sounds like you are taking some very positive steps to regain your serenity. I think that focusing on self care is a great thing to do after you've decided to go no contact with someone you've been codependent on. Maybe make a list of the things you want to do for yourself and then try to work through it at whatever pace you can manage? Sounds like you might also want to change the locks for your peace of mind! At some point if your ex gets in touch, you might have to tell him that you have decided no contact will be best for both of you. I think one important thing is to stick with it once he's been told that! If you go back and forth about no contact then he might stop taking you seriously. Good luck!!

SilentLove

I'm sorry you are going through this Maelee. I am still trying to recover from my codependency and it's been a long road. I understand what you mean by not having the desire to wash your face and take care of yourself... I felt that way for a whole month or so when my ex fiance and I split. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but you have to try extremely hard not only for your sake but most importantly, your kids' sake.

Please keep seeking advice on here. It has helped me a lot. You can message me if you need to vent as well.

overit263

Change the locks. Do things that you enjoy doing, get exercise and even if you don't feel like eating, go get a case of Ensure to make sure you are getting nutrition at least. You will snap out of it, but get on this site as much as you can, it makes you feel better to know you have support and can vent or just post. I was so devastated the first time my husband relapsed, I couldn't eat, I was so sad and just felt horrible. The second time it was easy to be done with it because of that first time. I'm sorry you're going through this, it's never easy. You do have to take care of yourself even though you don't feel like you have it in you. The kids need you and you need to be healthy for yourself so that you don't keep falling into a situation that's bad for you and the kids.

MaeLee

This is all great advice. Thanx a lot. Keep them coming, I will be here often now. Wish me luck guys

MaeLee

I finally verbalized my nc conditions. He's still asking me why and what not. When it comes to an addict, is "why" really important? Should I answer him, or just go with what I initially said and start full on ignoring?

overit263

I would start full on ignoring. That's what I did, because if you don't you might get sucked in and end up with emotions that don't feel good.

anotherfool

I did the "why", more than once. It's a bottomless pit. Felt like the right idea at the time though. I asked myself if there would be any feelings the would qualify as "positive" from further exchanges, and the answer was no. So no contact.

MaeLee

Thanx guys. He called me every name in the book and then finally stopped. For now. I know this is typical addict behavior, but I am human...It hurts when he does that. Ugh. Will this ever get easier? I know it's only been two days, lol, but sheeeeesh!

jjj111

Good for you for laying down your boundary. Remember that it's your choice whether you want to pick up the phone!

Txhelp

I know it's difficult...been there!

Try attending a alanon meeting for families. It really can help to gain support from other people in your shoes. You follow the 12 steps much like AA and can even get a sponsor to call. Give different meetings a try...they are all run different.

Take care of you...eventually you will know what to do with your peace that you finally have...

hopeful4

It is a very long road. Since you are afraid for yourself and your property I have a couple of suggestions about that. I cannot afford a home security system, but online w/Amazon I ordered the ADT sign and it came w/5 window stickers also. So no one has to know I don't actually have that.

Also...change your locks! It's cheap and you can do it yourself.

You got this!

MaeLee

I wish I could buy a handbook on this... Now he's harassing me asking me to go to church. Smh. I continue ignoring him, then he tells me that "Iam" going to church. Idk what that means, but I hope he doesn't show up at my house. Is this typical addict behavior? Is he just bugging me to get some kind, any kind of response out of me? Sorry guys. It's just really important to me to stick to my word and stand my ground.

overit263

stick to your guns no matter what! Yes, they try to get a response, it's like they turn into crazed people that want what they want and don't care what you want. If you don't give him what he wants hopefully he'll move on because you aren't going to give in to him.

MaeLee

Thanx very much. I know what you're saying is true, and it really helps to hear it again. Ty. I will stick to my guns...happily.

GardenMama

I know it's been said several times, but I haven't seen you acknowledge it: have you changed your locks?? Please do that ASAP.

After establishing a safe environment, self-care is the second most important step on the winding road to recovery. Be safe, and take good care of yourself and your kids.

Peace.

MaeLee

Garden Mama, Thank You. I have not changed my locks, as I do not have the means to do so at the moment. However, I plan on doing so asap. In addition, that leads me to my next question, I never thought about what I would do if he happened to show up at my residence. So, I am still working that out just in case. I don't fear for my life, but I do want to be taken seriously. Any suggestions what to do if he shows up teary eyed or pleading? Do's and Dont's?

overit263

Is only your name on the home? If so, you can call the police. You can tell him that if he shows up that you will be calling the police immediately. I had to do that, I didn't have the money for the restraining order, not that I need it, but I wanted him to know that I mean business and there's no coming back to MY home.

Don't entertain the tears, a stop in or anything, they are experts at manipulation!

MaeLee

Overit263, Yes they are! I seen it with my addict mother and my grandmother, whom raised me, just never thought I'd be in such a situation myself. I just want to be sure and get all the support I can get. Which I am. I thank you guys very much, this is making it a lot easier for me.

hopeful4

I too wonder about the house. If his name is on the house and you are not physically scared of him the police will not remove him from the home unless he is a danger to himself or others. I am only saying this so you do have a plan. You are doing great but need to be prepared for each action that may occur. If you are physically afraid of him or he is making threats you can file an exparte which will keep him out of the house or you can file stalking charges.

Question...can you simply block him from calling/texting/contacting you?

I also encourage you to seek out a support group or counseling or both for your own recovery. It is difficult and we will be here every step of the way. That being said, you also need face to face support and it is out there!

Hugs to you! Keep posting, you are not alone!