glitterdeva

From my experience - my soon to be ex cannot stay sober without being in AA/NA. He NEEDS to be going to meetings, talking, sharing, doing the work, doing the steps. Without it, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I love him and give to him, he will relapse. Even on his meds. Sharing I think is very important for recovery. And also, man, I was so wrong - I was trying to force my ex into recovery - like call the sponsor, do this and that and he just wouldn't. What I have learned is that you cannot force anyone to do anything they don't want to do. I hope he will make the right choice and push himself towards a better future

p.s. I know a guy in my church who used to be a heroin user. He got sober and for the past 17 years attends meetings religiously. He says that without meetings he will use again

BlueChair

Ive read through each post a couple of times and there are some good reminders for me.

Thought about this some and in a good way he has had a lot more inpatient help than most people are ever able to get, so that should be to his advantage. He stuck it out for over 3 months inpatient and he will have a month doing outpatient. Thanks for mentioning this because it’s a good reminder to me and proves he has been dedicated to his recovery all these months. Its already been agreed on with his employer he wont come back to work until January decided back when they talked and settled the lawsuit thing. He talks a lot about how he wants to get back to the real world, go back to work, keep working on our relationship, start putting into action all the new things he has learned in rehab to make his life better and healthier. Real life includes vacations, not being afraid to take vacations.

I went to my counseling session yesterday and put all my feelings out there. She agreed that my feelings were based on fear, and that I had reached a point of having things build up in my mind like his parents constant pressure on me, my husband saying he didnt want to continue outpatient but if I asked him then he would, sad stories people relayed from their own experiences like from the guy I work with.

She said I did great controlling my emotions and taking time to think about what was behind them instead of breaking down in tears to him, withdrawing from him,or lashing out in anger towards his parents. I felt stronger when I started thinking about it like that. She keeps telling me I have a lot of things that have happened in my life and they were very traumatic and I have to accept it will take time to work through my pain and fear, its ok if I have strong feelings at certain times. She reassured me it was not my place to decide if my husband continues with outpatient. Its fine if we talk about it, I share my concerns, but responsibility lies with him. She suggested I bring it up in our family session on Monday so I think I will. I may talk to him before then but I want to handle it the right way and maybe I need help.

He got up this morning and was happy not to be going to outpatient because he only goes four days a week and has Friday off. He was saying how happy he will be when its over, and I took it as a good time to ask him if he thought he was giving it a fair chance, if the doctor felt he needed to open up and talk then maybe he needed to think more about why the doctor feels that way. was it like he hit a wall and didnt want to push himself to that next level ? Then I went to work, maybe he will think about it some today.

Someone asks if he was open with me. Yes he is. I feel like he has tried since the start, especially after we started family counseling it got more intense. He also has learned to be open with his own counseling sessions, and his doctor has told me all along at first how it was a challenge but now he feels like they have honest and open talks. It seems to be like the group with people he doesnt know that gets him. He had some of that in rehab, but in outpatient there are people who graduated rehab like he did, and then people who never did inpatient and only are doing outpatient. Some of their lives are a real mess and he says it makes him depressed hearing about it everyday.

BlueChair

Have an update to share, My husband outpatients ends today and I have mixed feelings but I think again it comes back to being afraid of what will happen if he isnt surrounded by a safe environment. I guess its like a baby bird jumping out of the nest, he has to fly sometime and he thinks he is ready. He is still going to have regular counseling sessions, and Monday when we had our family session the doctor suggested we keep it up for a while longer both of us agreed it wouldn’t hurt. He seems eager to do anything that will help me, or heal our relationship. It makes me feel good that he willing and still recognizes I need time. Sometimes I feel like it slips his mind a little like its all better now, but then other times he seems to be trying hard to make extra effort. He said that was all he was trying to do when he told me he didn’t want to continue outpatient but would if I asked him. He wanted to make me feel safe and would do anything to make that happen. I couldn’t ask him to do it and we talked through it in our family session and I think he now understand what feelings it caused me to have. Im not sure what to do about continuing my own counseling but I wont be doing it while we are out of town and I found out that since he wont be doing outpatient anymore then he is basically out of the rehab portion and counseling for me is not covered so we would have to pay for it separately.

I am proud of all the hard work he has put in even though I know the work isnt over. I wanted to do something to celebrate his graduation from rehab but it’s a little tricky with Thanksgiving tomorrow and lots of extended family involved, so I decided to ask for my moms help and we are having a surprise celebration tonight at their house. I invited his parents, a few of our close friends who have been there through it all, maybe overdid it a little bit with what I have planned but I think he will like it. Wish me luck pulling off the surprise.

Txhelp

Have fun with the surprise tonight!

I have learned a lot during our intensive family week that I attended.

"Many addicts have the smorgasbord ways in recovery. They take what they want and leave the other stuff behind. Until they listen and start applying everything that has been recommended do some achieve long term sobriety/recovery."

They also said the relapse rate, after rehab, is high the first 90 days. That makes it all important to follow the recommendations.

Most rehabs will recommend so many meetings for so many months (90 meetings in 90 days); a sponsor; step work; counseling, etc. For most doing recovery work half azzed doesn't work! I guess this is what some of the posters concerns on regarding the vacation.

hopeful4

Good Luck and Enjoy!

KeepinItReal

I hope you both have a great time!

BlueChair

I pulled off the surprise celebration for him and he very much appreciated it. We had a nice quiet evening with a small group of close family and friends. His parents came and I was surprised they both put aside their fears and expressed how grateful they were for his being home, being safe, the hard work they knew he put in. There were times it got sort of like Hallmark moments. Im glad I didnt let the opportunity pass by.

BlueChair

I had someone ask me if I wasnt going to feel stupid or be angry about going to the trouble to have a celebration party for him if he relapses next week or in a month or six. I was wondering if other people here feel that way, and if they do why? I feel like it was an accomplishment for him, it was a big step and a lot of hard work, and its always good to celebrate the here and now for what it is. Im hopeful he wont relapse but I also know like the poster above said, was warned by the doctors its common in the first six months. I dont want to live all bottled up with fear walking on eggshells afraid to be happy for the good things going on

mfanch

I had a HUGE celebration for my AH also. When he had a year of sobriety.

hopeful4

I believe you have to go on about life. You have to have happy moments. You never know, that celebration may be what keeps him from relapsing one day. Either way, in that moment, in that memory, you had a wonderful time. Life cannot stop out of fear. You should still have those Hallmark moments in your life.

Glad you had a nice time!

BlueChair

Thank you for that I was starting to feel like everyone thinks I was foolish and Im trying hard to make the most of what is, be grateful. I REALLY appreciate your comments right now.

hopeful4

BlueChair...unless someone is married to or has a serious relationship with an addict they truly have no idea. Could he relapse? Sure. Will he..only he knows that. The thing is, you have to have joy in your life. I let FEAR...and believe me, I understand it for what it is...true raw fear...rob me of some of the best moments of my life. You deserve happiness and hope. Since he is actively working on his recovery, he deserves the same. Should we draw boundaries? Yes. Should we be miserable while we wait in fear for those boundaries to be crossed, I believe no.

I hear you and understand my friend. Hugs.

allforcnm

I had a party for my husband when he came home from rehab, and then we had another one when he got to one year. If you feel happy, joyous - then don't be afraid to show it.

Lily1918

In my opinion, some people feel this way because being sober is what is expected of every single adult in society. It can be compared to cooking a meal. When someone in the household cooks dinner, you say thank you, or that was really yummy, but you don't necessarily do cartwheels.

This is just my understanding of others opinions. It is not one that I share so maybe I am wrong.

I don't think that I will have a big homecoming party for D, but that is just because I know it would be triggering for him. I can relate to the comments about how much inpatient time your husband has had because my husband is the same way. To my knowledge, He has been sober for about 6 or 7 months of the last year, but they were all while he was in treatment or jail. Mine has also been given much more time in treatment that most can have, but still... it can go either way.

stay grounded. and keep taking good care of you! hugs
Lily

cleaninLI

I think it was really nice that you had a party for him! I have to agree with hopeful4 that if a craving hits he might recall that big party and how all those family and friends supported his recovery. He might think twice about letting everyone down. I don't know how his mind works but that's what I would think about. It's true that you need to go on with your lives and enjoy the successes of the present day. Remaining stuck in the past and worrying about the future will only cause you missery.

incitingsilence

Oh I doubt that, and most likely it will have an opposite effect.

All those people so proud and here you went and f*cked it all up by relapsing … the voices in your head know exactly what to say. And the guilt and shame you will dredge up, the disappointment you know that will shine in the eyes of those you love will be just the perfect catalyst to not only drive the next hit, but push the need to be even more secretive and sneakier than you were before so as not to hurt anyone.

Lily1918

yes! 100% truth, at least for me...

BlueChair

Thanks everyone for your thoughts I see both sides of what your saying on how emotions play a part in recovery and relapse. I think what is most important is he knows those close to him love him, respect him, want to acknowledge his hard work, accept him the way he is, and we will all be here for him whatever he faces in the future.

This was a relapse for him and he has told me that one it started and he began doing things he knew were wrong, he was ashamed to face, knowing he had let people down with things he did, all of that was too much for him to deal with and he did use more drugs to numb himself. It had nothing to do with any of us because we didnt even know at the time, it was more about how he thought about things and dealt with his emotions.

He is doing a lot of work in counseling about it. He deals with expectations and people counting on him at work everyday, and he cracked under the pressure when he made a couple bad decisions and things started going wrong. Its one area he is really working on. You cant stop life from happening.

jjj111

Hi BC! I feel like I learned a lot from your last post about how your husband is doing and what he is feeling from your perspective.

How are YOU doing? What's it like having him back? Are you guys on your vacation now? How are you feeling about that? Are you enjoying yourself? Do you miss the routine of work, or are you happy to be on vacation? Hope you are doing well!

BlueChair

Im happy he is home and it feels like things are getting better between us, but I still have pain over many things he did during the drug binge. I have not been focusing on my emotional issues much this last week and I know I need to again before long because I don’t want to sweep my feelings away and focus only on him then have all my stuff come back to bite me. I have been trying to keep my life as normal as I can, not change who I am, things that are part of my life, or that I enjoy. I had fun planning his party with my moms help, cooked some for Thanksgiving, went out shopping on Black Friday with my sister, and some friends. Im doing good remembering me.

BUT

There have been a lot of things that are difficult. We went to his parents for Thanksgiving meal, and his mom had most of it catered, invited more people than we thought, both sets of grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, some couples they knew. It was uncomfortable because a lot of people especially those distant family members asked questions and wanted details because they had only heard rumors and stuff. They had set up a whole beverage bar with all kinds of things but served alcohol also. It made me angry because of the way she has been onto me trying to get me to do things to protect him. I never mentioned it to her, but she later told me they added it at the last minute afraid it would attract too much attention if there was no wine available to people. The whole dinner with them was too much for my husband and he got very bad anxiety while we were there and a while after dinner he asked if I was about ready to go he needed to leave soon. Then we went to my parents for a while for coffee and dessert and he calmed down some because it was quiet there.

All that started something though. I went shopping on Friday and he was home still in bed when I left early. He ended up sleeping all day, said he felt exhausted. We were supposed to leave for our trip on Monday but he became a couch potato all weekend and did nothing to get ready and just said he felt bad, had no energy, slept a lot, then said he thought I was just out shopping (for 3 days I guess) and didn’t know I was working on getting ready myself. We talked on Sunday and decided it might be PAWS because he had it in rehab, and I suggested he call his doctor. He didn’t want to do that and made an attempt to pack stuff but seemed like every decision exhausted him. Monday he finally called his doctor and we had to reschedule our plans so he could go in for an appointment on Tuesday. I can see why people talk about not getting fully dragged in emotionally because its hard when someone is having a hard time and is very emotional not to let everything go and sit there with them in their pain and confusion. We talked a lot and he admitted a lot of feelings to me. All ok during that time but later on I got scared realizing how badly broken he is still. Today he goes back for another session.

I told him I was good if he decided he needed to stay home, get back into outpatient or whatever he felt he needed to do because his getting well needs to come before everything right now. Unless it changes we are going to leave Saturday. I feel a little worried we will leave and he will not have the doctor he feels comfortable with to rely on. At my parents on Thanksgiving night once we got there he had all this anxiety and told me he was glad they had no liquor in the house because he felt like he needed something to calm him down. I know I cant control him if he starts to fall, it was easy to see that night I would be helpless if he started on coke again. If there was no worries about his health then I am happy to leave town for a while and I don’t think I will miss work very much, but will miss my family and friends here because a lot of them have extra time off before the holidays.