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How To Deal With Grief

Old 11-19-2013, 07:40 PM
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How To Deal With Grief

One common theme that seems to run through a lot of the posts is grief, specifically when the addict is no longer in our lives (through our choice or theirs). When I was going through a hard time regarding my AXGF, there was one book that was unbelievably helpful.

It's called Ghost Rider: Travels on the Healing Road, and it's author is the drummer/lyricist of the rock band Rush, Neil Peart.

In a one year span between August 1997 and June 1998, Peart lost his daughter in a car accident and his common law wife to cancer. Devastated, he hopped on his motorcycle in August 1998 and hit the road, logging about 56,000 miles in a two year period. He went as far north as the Arctic Circle, and as far south as Balize. The book chronicles his travels, his thoughts, and how he was able to survive his tragedies.

Peart ended up remarrying in 2000, and he had a another daughter in 2009. Rush just got off the road in support of their Clockwork Angels album, and the tour was a huge critical success. But when Peart looks back to that dark period in his life, what he says struck a chord with me:

The scars remain tender. Never, ever healed, but only lightly scabbed over. Time does not heal all wounds, but only allows us to adapt, if we can, to a life that is forever altered. Some wounds are like physical disabilities that will never heal, but can only be compensated for, adapted to. Now when I think back to the dark years of the late ’90s, I feel far away in time, even unto building a new life and new memories, and my Ghost Rider persona seems ever more distant—unknowable.
I think this a healthy way to look at loss. It makes sense. And the choice that Peart made was to somehow move forward with his life, even though there were plenty of times he didn't want to move forward.

So, I recommend anyone dealing with grief to check out Peart's book. It's a really, really good read and very helpful.

ZoSo
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Old 11-20-2013, 02:41 AM
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I just wanted to find out in what potters field the addict I cared about
was resting in......so I could bring some flowers by sometime.

"Nope, not next of kin. Can't tell 'ya."

Closure & addiction belong in different dictionaries.
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Old 11-20-2013, 04:12 AM
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The scars remain tender. Never, ever healed, but only lightly scabbed over. Time does not heal all wounds, but only allows us to adapt, if we can, to a life that is forever altered. Some wounds are like physical disabilities that will never heal, but can only be compensated for, adapted to. Now when I think back to the dark years of the late ’90s, I feel far away in time, even unto building a new life and new memories, and my Ghost Rider persona seems ever more distant—unknowable.

I heard that before, recently...maybe someone here posted it, or something very similar. Didn't know it was Peart who wrote it, nor that he wrote a book regarding his experiences. I was a huge Rush fan in their early days (saw them live more than any other band), and of course a Zep fan . Currently playing bass in a Zep tribute in NYC. Unrelated, I know, but just kinda wanted to say, "Hi, friend. Ya got good tast in music."
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Old 11-20-2013, 04:15 AM
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Zoso, I would like to read that book.

Vale. that's just wrong, to keep it from someone who cares.

Grief is something we need to do and pay attention to if we are to heal and not be frozen by the pain.

I don't grieve well, or maybe I do, because the pain comes through and brings tears and such overwhelming sadness, so I try to do it in small doses almost giving myself a time limit each time. I talk to the person I am grieving, getting angry or saying things I wish I'd said, and that helps me to walk through the pain and relieve my soul.

Hugs
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Old 11-21-2013, 02:00 PM
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I don't know how to grief at all, I just break down. I cried for 2 days and somehow ended up with a bad kidney infection. I break down, I cannot get up, cannot take care of my kids, cannot work. I feel like I am losing my life and my mind. It's this feeling - like this person that used to love you, used to care, used to be a person is no longer human. I hope and pray that one day I will get to this good place of acceptance.
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Old 11-21-2013, 07:55 PM
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Originally Posted by glitterdeva View Post
I don't know how to grief at all, I just break down. I cried for 2 days and somehow ended up with a bad kidney infection. I break down, I cannot get up, cannot take care of my kids, cannot work. I feel like I am losing my life and my mind. It's this feeling - like this person that used to love you, used to care, used to be a person is no longer human. I hope and pray that one day I will get to this good place of acceptance.

That's how you do it. You're doing it. grieving is hard work. And there isn't just one way to do it, it is as unique as you and the relationship you've lost. Take it one day at a time, put one foot in front of the other, take care of the kids, lean on family, friends, church folks. (((hugs)))
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Old 11-22-2013, 07:09 AM
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Originally Posted by glitterdeva View Post
I don't know how to grief at all, I just break down. I cried for 2 days and somehow ended up with a bad kidney infection. I break down, I cannot get up, cannot take care of my kids, cannot work. I feel like I am losing my life and my mind. It's this feeling - like this person that used to love you, used to care, used to be a person is no longer human. I hope and pray that one day I will get to this good place of acceptance.
When my AXGF did what she did, I had to force myself to do things I didn't want to do. So I cut a deal with myself that no matter what I felt like that morning, I'd always make my bed. And then I'd always clean whatever dishes I had in the sink. And then I'd always balance my checkbook.

So, I grieved in the sense that I was betrayed by another person, but at the same time, I refused to allow that grief to consume me. I kept going forward.

Of course, none of this is easy. But the other thing I refused to try to figure out how my AXGF could go from the nicest person in the world to a monster. And that's because all I needed to know is:

a) she's an addict
b) she's a Borderline Personality

And you can't view the behavior of someone like my AXGF without taking those two things into account. She does what she does because she's sick. And that's it.

So, don't go nuts trying to figure out why an addict does what they do. They do it because they're sick. And the moment that you personalize their behavior is the moment you get stuck.

Don't get stuck. Grieve, but grieve while you're in forward motion.

ZoSo
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