DG0409

I've been on SR for a little over 7 months now. Mostly I stick over on the side for alcoholics and substance abusers, but I do respond to some of the posts on the Friends and Family side.

I guess I'm what's called a 'double winner'. I qualify to be on both sides. I have my own history with alcohol and drugs(mostly weed, although I've tried many others a time or two). I've had a few relationships with men who were drinkers and/or stoners.

My current bf and I have a long history of drinking and smoking weed together. As you can tell by my signature, I'm now clean and sober. Bf has mostly quit drinking, but he still smokes weed pretty much all the time. He has a long history of addiction. When we met, he was at the tail end of a meth addiction, but he's been clean from that for years now.

Most of the time, I try to stay focused on my own recovery and on doing the things I need to be doing. Sometimes that's not always possible. I become frustrated because I am trying to turn my life around and bf is still living the same as always. I feel like he tends to be pretty lazy and just interested in getting high, spending time in front of the computer or doing things for fun. But things like chores aren't much of a priority to him other than to get me off his back about them.

Some weeks I have the energy to just do a bunch of stuff myself around the house and other times, I feel like, 'Why bother? It's just going to get messy again and I'm the one that has to take care of everything.'

It's frustrating that I don't have any support from him regarding my own recovery. I feel like things aren't going to work out long-term, but then I also feel like I can't face the pain of going through breaking-up and like I owe it him to stay together. I'd rather avoid hurting other people if I can. I can definitely see where some of these things I'm saying sound very 'codie'. I know I have certain codependent beliefs and feelings.

I try to avoid thinking about the whole relationship thing. I don't want to face any of it. I'd rather there just wasn't a problem, but there is. I know the recommendation is for addicts not to make any relationship changes in the first year and I've been kind of waiting to see how I'll feel once I make it through the roller-coaster of early sobriety.

I'm not sure I exactly have a question or anything, but I just need to get this 'out there'. I need to start processing this somehow rather than having the thoughts run around my head over and over. Any advice or input is appreciated.

lizwig

Hi there! I've noticed your posts before but I'm glad you've taken the time to introduce yourself. You have made some incredibly healthy changes since last year. That takes hard work, strength and courage. I can't speak to the partner side of things but I would imagine that with all these positive changes you may now recognize how unproductive he is when smoking pot...and just how much time is wasted in such pursuits. You have chosen to reclaim your life. That is awesome. Focus on your recovery...enjoy every minute of it. You may find you have simply outgrown him...but you never know he may begin to feel like he's getting left behind and find the courage to make some changes too. Big high five to you!

DG0409

Thanks for the input Lizwig.

This morning, yet again, I've found that what bf does can so easily get under my skin. It's easy for my mood to be ruined by little things he does. For example, if he has plans to go out and I'm looking forward to some quiet time alone and he changes those plans, it's really upsetting to me. In fact, it triggers a chain of upsetting thoughts for me: not only do I think about how I've lost my quiet time alone, but I think about how in general, I don't get enough quiet time alone and then I think about everything bf does that annoys me and then I just feel really upset and depressed. I don't do a very good job of keeping my equilibrium and making the best of my time anyway. I waste a lot of time feeling upset.

I suspect that's my codependency showing through. I focus on what he's doing rather than on what I'm doing. I've been trying to get better about it. I try to remember things from the threads I read here about detaching, focusing on me and keeping my side of the street clean. Sometimes it works. I'm certainly getting better at it, but it doesn't come naturally. It's a new fight each time and my initial reaction is always to over-react about whatever bf is doing.

lizwig

It would just be so much easier if others did what we want..when we want... wink wink.

I've become much more attached to my alone time too. It's nice just to putter at our own pace. Have you adjusted your plans because his changed? If so, that could be part of your discomfort. Perhaps you should just continue on as planned....regardless of whether he is there or not. Maybe he'll get bored and find something else to do. It's up to us to protect our serenity...even if it means leaving him at home alone while you go walk quietly in a park or something. Whatever you decide I hope you enjoy yourself today!

Ann

DG, you've done a wonderful job of quitting your own substances and finding your own recovery...regardless of what he did. That took courage and strength and shows that you can do anything you set your mind to.

The more you take care of you, the more you find your own quiet place and time, the more you pursue those things in life that interest you...the close you will be to freedom, whether you end up staying with him or not.

Peace, freedom, happiness...we each hold the key within ourselves. Once we discover this we can unlock the chains of codependency and make healthy and wise choices that are about taking very good care of ourselves.

You're doing great. Rome wasn't built in a day. You'll be okay, very soon I think.

Hugs

Txhelp

DG..kuddos for you healthy choices and healthy life! Being a codie and backing away from those behaviors is a process! Yep....a process! I think I have it and the next moment...I am doing something to "help."

Take the relationship as it is and soon you will discover what you want and need.

DG0409

Thanks lizwig.

Yes, my plans changed because his did. Sometimes it's just a matter of comfort. For example, if I decide to start doing some chores and bf is around, he needs to make his presence clear. Like, I'll do the dishes and when there's one spoon left that needs washed, he'll come up and say: "I was going to do those." And then I'll get upset because I know he wasn't really going to do them any time soon.

Even if I stick with my plans, I don't feel as comfortable with him there.

Hmmm... perhaps I need to get better about detaching and not getting so upset over the stuff he says.

For now though, he's left on a trip, so I'm looking forward to some time alone. Guess I don't need to spend it dwelling over yesterday.

DG0409

Ann- Thank you. You're posts are always spot on.

Txhelp- You're right that it's a process. Actually, you've reminded me of an analogy I came up with for somebody else's post on here: when you're the wheel on the bicycle, you feel like you're just going around and around. But if you take a step back and look at the bicycle, it's really going forward. I think in a lot of ways, that sums up the recovery process for me.

Kindeyes

DG
Glad you introduced yourself!

relationships evolve. Sometimes our bonds grow closer and tighter and sometimes we grow apart. Either one is a normal relationship cycle. When things change, things change. You've changed so the relationship is bound to change.

Time will reveal more.....it always does. Keep focusing on yourself and take care of you. Things will become clear.

gentle hugs
ke

overit263

Congratulations on all of your positive changes! Is it just possible that since you made a changes that are great for you, maybe he isn't great for you anymore? People evolve and sometimes when we don't want to be stuck, so we have to cut our losses and detach from those that are not part of our positive changes?

DG0409

Overit, I think you're right that he's maybe not great for me anymore. We made a good team when it came to drinking together and having 'fun', but as far as settling down for a serious life together, I am not so sure.

The last month and a half or so since I started this thread, I've really continued trying to work on my own recovery, both in regards to being clean and sober and in regards to being less codie. And I've actually seen a lot of improvement. I've been better about not letting bf get to me, although far from perfect. I've felt just more stable and have been wasting less energy worrying about bf. I've been better about detaching. But I read on here that detachment isn't a permanent solution and I know that I am going to have to really start thinking about a permanent solution.

I know I probably need to break-up with bf. I'm having trouble with the idea of it though. While I'm insanely frustrated with how things are, I'm afraid of the thought of how quite and empty it would feel if he moved out. It's really hard to face that idea.

For a long time, it was my policy to try to ignore my problems and just turn to alcohol to not have to face them. It's hard to come out of denial and face things.

But the fact is that we don't have very good communication, we're physically very distant (we sleep in different rooms and have been for quite some time), I don't really feel like I can talk to him or turn to him for support if I feel bad, I don't like living together, I constantly feel annoyed by having him in my space, on top of being an addict, I think he's severely codie as well. He doesn't go out and do much of his own stuff, spends all day smoking weed and looking at crap on the internet and says he has nothing else to do because I don't want to do stuff with him, as if it's all dependent on me and he's unable to make other friends or do anything on his own.

And yet, true to my own codependent nature, I'm afraid of having a tough conversation with him, telling him I think we should break up and hurting his feelings. And what about my feelings??

soberhawk

We only get one life dg.

We should be loyal and fair towards each other in general, but you should also be a little demanding towards the one life you get.

Maybe breaking up would be the wake up call that pushes to some development in him.

Being honest and gentle is the only right way to go – in my view.

Txhelp

Yes.. DG. What about your feelings? What about your life? What about you?

Us codies we feel selfish for thinking of ourselves. After all, our boyfriend/loved one is suffering and needs us. How can we toss them in the street and let them fend for themselves?

Well...I tell myself. They are grown adults. They are not helpless although they may have learned helplessness. They are capable. They can score drugs and manipulate very well.

It may be painful, to let them go, as we may see them flounder and beg for help. Or they may get angry and call us names or we are crazy. That's ok. They are in pain like us and don't cope well when they are using.

What is your benefit for staying with him?

DG0409

As to the benefit for staying with him- we've been together for quite a while- 8 years or so. So I'm in my comfort zone in a way. We have a lot of history together- there are a lot of good memories and stuff that's hard to let go of. (On the flip side, there are a lot of bad memories and I have a hard time sometimes with moving on from those, so sometimes I feel like those bog down our relationship.) I guess he does have many good qualities, sometimes we can have good conversations and there are many things which we are on the same wavelength about (there are other things that I find impossible to talk about with him). I know he really cares about me and wants to make me happy.

It's hard to let go of 8 years, especially since I'm in my mid 20's and that is a big chunk of my life.

But if I'm really honest, I just don't think this is the relationship that I want for the rest of my life. I know the longer I stay, the harder it will be to leave and I know as Soberhawk pointed out, I only get one life. I feel like I'm missing out on the opportunity to really be with somebody that I'm crazy about. (Instead I'm with somebody who just makes me feel plain crazy a lot of the time.)

Funny thing is, I broke up with bf a year or two ago, and I actually kind of think that he functioned better without me. When we were broken up, he was focused on his life and doing things he wanted to. Now, he sits around waiting for me to want to do something with him and just watches crap on the internet. He seemed to be doing so well without me, I think that was part of why I took him back: I believed he'd made progress and things would be different. But as soon as I re-entered the picture, he changed back in a lot of ways.

I have a hard time relating to him without the alcohol and weed. That was what we did together and I'm not sure we have enough in common now without that. I resent him for still smoking weed. I hate that it's in my house and I have to be around it.

If I'm honest with myself, I think part of why I went back to him after I'd broken up with him was just that he put a lot of pressure on me and guilt-tripped me for breaking up with him. I'm mad at myself for that and I'm mad at him because I feel like I was manipulated.

I know some of this isn't related really, but I just need to get it out somehow. A lot of it has been inside for sometime, but it's easy to try to ignore it then. It's a lot harder when to ignore it when writing it out.

Hawkeye13

Hey DG;
I have really enjoyed watching your progress in quitting substances. Very impressive.

I think if you sleep in different rooms, clean up after him and yourself most of the time, resent him cutting in on your alone time, are irritated by his waste of time on computer and getting high, and it is only 8 years into the relationship, how will you feel in 10, 15, or 20 years? You do only get one life indeed.

I think you are wise to be giving things plenty of time and working your side of the street. But to this outside observer, you do seem to be going in a different direction.

One thing that might be helpful to you: when I was drinking a lot, and needed looking after and was not living up to all that needed doing outside of work (I was always good for work, but other things began falling off related to personal life), my husband took up the slack and kept himself pretty together though he was drinking too.

Now that I don't drink and am together at work and home, he commented to me more than once that he doesn't pay attention or take care of things that he used to do because he knew I wouldn't deal with it at all. Now he just counts on me to do it.

This sounds like what happened when you broke up with your BF before. He had to take care of himself and he did. This might be the best thing for him if you decide that it isn't what you want long term for yourself. But you should think carefully and do what is best for your long term sobriety, healing and growth. Hopefully, it will be for his as well.

Again, congrats on your inspiring story this past year.

needingabreak

I really cannot add to the great advice you have received already but wanted to congratulate you on your addiction battles won. I hope you are really proud of yourself for the hard work you put in to do this. Like several have said, it took a lot of strength and courage. As a codependent myself, I have learned as I grow and change things I used to do but no no longer want to do bother me. I did them just fine for years but now I get frustrated and resentful. I think that is normal as we grow and want to start taking care of ourselves and not everyone else. Clarity and wisdom will come as more time passes. It sounds to me like you already have a pretty good handle on what you are feeling and seeing for your future.

DG0409

Thank you Hawkeye and needingabreak.

I have had a copy of The Language of Letting Go for sometime. I discovered it by chance in a bookstore a few years ago and have read through it more than once.

Yesterday I bought Codependent No More and the Codependent No More workbook as wells as More Language of Letting Go. They seem to be highly recommended around here. I was kind of embarrassed walking up to the checkout with a bunch of books on being codependent. The cashier saw Codependent No More and she said "This is a good book!" then looked at the others and said she'd have to check them out. It just made me feel really good.