Jend719

So my AD turned herself in yesterday on her bench warrant. She missed yet another court appearance in the process. Her lawyer said he would explain where she was to that judge. She was detained in a holding cell for 7 hours at the police station. I met them at the courthouse last night when they brought her before the judge. I had written letters to this judge begging him to help her and not be lenient. He went over her rap sheet and told her that she has to be there in front of him for court tomorrow(meaning today at 2). She also has court in another town today at 5 and then yet another town on Friday. He set bail at $500.
Then I sat and wrestled with my thoughts....what do I do? My goal was to have her put in jail to get her off of the streets. However, she went to detox and has been clean for 12 days. But she has never been held accountable for any of the crimes she has committed. It sounded like he would possibly be letting her go today. I don't know. Our decision was to let her go to jail and not post bail. The officer there was extremely nice and let me talk to her. I explained to her that she needed to take that time tonight and realize where she was and think about all the decisions and bad choices that she has made that brought her to this point. Of course, she was blaming me....why would you let me go to jail? What if I get hurt? She knows exactly which fears to play on. She was hysterical crying and shaking saying mommy no ...mommy please. It was very difficult thing to do to say the least. To see her in handcuffs was heartbreaking. Today I will see her in an orange jumpsuit and shackled. When they took her back to the station before the sheriffs came to get her, she made a zillion phone calls to my BIL and my parents and my husband literally begging them to post bail. Of course she told my BIL how much she hated me. My mother told her to put her big girl pants on and face the consequences that no one gets a free ride. My BIL called me to say that she had told his girlfriend that if they lock her up they will find her the next morning with her sheet wrapped around her neck. I called to officer to tell him that. He said he would immediately notify his sergeant. So now they probably had her on suicide watch all night besides. Today will be very difficult emotionally although it's sad that I feel like I'm getting numb.it makes me feel heartless. I make these difficult decisions and stay strong emotionally and then I can't sleep, have weird dreams, and get physically sick. I know it sounds harsh and mean what I did...others may not agree thinking I should have bailed her out. I think the judge would not have taken me seriously if I did that. It would have been just another "oh I got away with that...nothing bad is gonna happen to me...I'm still in control". I hope I did the right thing.

FeelingGreat

Hi Jend, you must be in turmoil with all this going on, even though you know you are doing the right thing. I think it's great that your Mum is with you on this. It must be a big shock to your daughter that she is finally seeing the consequences of her actions and naturally she is fighting hard to make it all go away.
I don't have any advice to you, just to say you are doing the right thing, and to stand strong. This bitter medicine might just be what your daughter needs.

Mountainmanbob

don't ever think that ????? -- this is an easy decision to make

not proud of the fact
I have been to jail several times over the years
in most cases a good taste of jail time can be a good humbling experience
but
to be truthful it's not the safest place on earth

a good friend of ours -- older guy
a few years back his wife was put in jail for a simple DUI
yes -- she hung herself

let's make an assumption here if we may
let's say that out of 100% of ones who say they will commit suicide
only 1% actually do it

once in the past I did not bail my son out from jail
today I think that I would ???
these many times are hard calls to make

just looking for the true facts
from up top the mountain
Mountainman

lizwig

What you did takes strength and courage. It will let the judge know you recognize she needs help. My son threatened suicide from jail. I called and was told they'd put him on a watch. He was furious with me. Told me they took all his clothes and made him sleep in a rubber room. I just told him those types of threats need to be taken seriously. He used to threaten it a lot....hasn't for a long time...although his addiction had progressed since then and now I believe he is committing suicide slowly every day....but that's another story.

It isn't your job to fix your daughter's problems. Being something to them doesn't mean we have to always "do" something for them. There is a lot of action in "in-action" sometimes. Big hug to you today.

Mountainmanbob

I forgot to mention
my friend is a bail agent -- this is a (( super low bail ))
usually indicates that one will not be kept in jail very long
once seeing the judge he will probably cut her free
or
give her a very short jail sentence

MM

Eve13

Jend, stay strong, it is sending your daughter a strong message. I'm glad you alerted them to her suicidal threat comment so she can be watched closely. And no matter what, you didn't cause this, you can't control this, you can't cure this. As an adult, her wellbeing and her future are in her hands.

EJG123

I'm praying you'll get some peace Jend. When my AD was in jail, it was hard at first because of the hysterical phone calls but eventually she settled down. I told her that I would not take her calls or send her money or get her a great lawyer or visit, but would correspond via mail which took much of the craziness out of her communication. She did stay in touch and eventually I slept better knowing she was sober and had a roof over her head, regular meals, medical care, and routine work when she was in prison for a few months. Sadly she relapsed when she got out but I think the experience helped her to mature a little. She is looking at another prison stint at some point soon and maybe this time she will know better than to take up bad habits again when she gets out.

hopeful4

Jend..please be strong. As you said before, she has never been held accountable for her actions. You did not cause this and you cannot save her from this. She has to do it. That she is blaming you alarms me, it makes me see she is not accepting that SHE CAUSED this and she has to be the one to take care of it. That being said, I am so sorry. I cannot imagine how hard it has to be to see your daughter of all people go through this.

You alerted the police. They are going to watch her. They are going to make sure she does not hurt herself. She does not want that truly, she is desperate and reaching at what she can say to get you to do what she wants. I am not telling you what to do either way, those decisions are yours. I am just pointing it out b/c it is a form of manipulation that they may not even realize they are doing.

Step back, breathe. Let her learn to handle some of this on her own. Sometimes it takes seeing what can happen to truly scare them into not going there.

Hugs and God Bless. I hope you have some peace today.

DJ0822

My goodness, what a heart wrenching position to be in! But remember that your beloved daughter has somewhat been killing herself slowly by her own actions and denial of ownership of her problems. I admire your courage in doing what you believe needs to be done. I'm sure you aren't feeling very strong and brave, though. Just know that this mom knows your pain. It's normal to wonder if this was the right decision, but I don't think you had any choice, really. God gave us a really tough job being parents. Some decisions are excruciating, but that doesn't mean they aren't necessary. This could be what is a turning point for your daughter.

I am praying she will see this, and I'm praying that your pain lessens. This mom is holding your hand.

Donna

Tinks65

Jend, Be strong. Your actions were out of a fierce love and desire to protect your daughter from herself. Don't allow yourself to be sucked into the emotional manipulation. Jail is a scary place but then again so is full blown addiction.

At one point we took charges against our son hoping he would get arrested. Before the police were able to pick him up he tried to rob a pharmacy and was arrested. We didn't even entertain bail. He was locked up for 18 months, it was the best thing that could have happened to him. Over the years I have come to examine my motives where he is concerned. I try not to make decisions that are based on fear alone. I pray for perspective before I do anything. For the most part the boundaries I have in place have kept me from making too many decisions at all. He is living his life. I have told him that as long as he is seeking or living in recovery I will support him and help him in ways that are healthy for him and me.

veryready

Sorry you are going through this. My brother never paid any consequences and his addictions ended up killing him and I miss him. I wish he had somehow found his way to jail. Be strong. From my perspective you are doing the right thing. We babied my brother until the day he died.

Jend719

Thank you everyone for your undying support always.i really needed to hear all this today because I just got back from her court appearance. She came in her regular clothes because she was telling the sheriffs that she is done and will be released. Well her lawyer read my letter that I had sent the judge to my AD. That did not go over well with her. Additionally, they are all aware of her 2 new charges in other towns. That makes it a total of 5 open charges. Her lawyer offered the judge that she be placed in a rehab that will take her with no insurance. She has to call around and see which one has a bed available and when. The judge agreed only if she goes from jail to the rehab...no releasing her although there is still bail. So I'm a little confused at that. My AD was extremely pissed and blaming me again that it's because of my letter that she will have to sit in jail until a bed opens up. She doesn't understand why she needs a rehab because "I've been clean for 12 days". There was a time she was clean for 90 days and relapsed or in rehab for 25 days and relapsed. She is angry. I'm trying to not let that part get to me too much. It's sad to say but I hope she is miserable in jail so that she NEVER wants to go back again. Hopefully this will scare her straight.

Upsetnneedhelp

Jail suicides, when they happen, usual occur within the first 24 hrs. I would take her threats very seriously. That was a unusual step to take and write the judge a letter requesting to punish. I once wrote the Judge a letter begging for leniency and I think it just made it worse. The only thing my son learned from prison is how to be a better prisoner.

Jend719

I didnt ask him to "punish".. I begged him to help me save her life!

hopeful4

Jend...at Celebrate Recovery I've met a lot of folks who were in rehabs and tried and so on. They became successful...in jail. You did all you can, you alerted the jail of her threat, you are helping her help herself. You are not responsible for her actions, if so none of us would be here, we would have waived our magic wands to cure them a long time ago. Breathe in, she will get past her anger at you when she accepts responsibility for herself.

Hugs and Prayers my friend!

bluebelle

You did very well!

Txhelp

Wow Jend! That is tough but many of understand what seems cruel can really be a blessing!!

At least that is what I have found for my daughter. I have been though similar scenarios with her and the legal system. Texas is pretty hardcore with jail/sentences. I didn't have to write a note to the judge. My daughter has attempted suicide in jail but they put her in a cell with a little suit/min clothes and let her stay there. They have psychiatric services in jail (min) but she learned her lesson regarding suicide in jail. She was always threatening and even impulsively attempted a few times. I was helpless.

Jail has been her wake up call. She has done many things in order to avoid jail. She doesn't want to go back but now is struggling with substituting the drugs that she can't have with synthetic marijuana. Today, after suspecting and finding the drug in her room...she has been asked to leave-again!

hopeful4

Jend...I am praying for you today and hoping you are feeling some peace in all of this!

Lily1918

Jend,

sending you prayers today. I hope you are doing well.

may I ask what age range your daughter is? I am 25 and so is my AH. He went to jail this summer with no bail, and is currently awaiting a transfer to prison for 2 years.

I just want to tell you that I heard many of these same feelings coming from him when he first went in, and I think that it is probably normal.

I'm am so glad that you took her suicide threat seriously! I think that everyone always should, every time!!

I guess I want to say that as time has gone on, D has adjusted very well, and is supposedly working a program.

I want to compliment the serenity I see in your posts, give you hugs, and say that you are one strong mamma!!

hugs,
Lily

Jend719

Aww thank you Lily. It truly means a lot to me. My AD is only 20. I went and visited her today at jail. It was extremely heart wrenching to see her crying and so miserable.