rubyclaire

After a good run, six months this time, after a coke induced heart attack, money is gone, he is disappearing and the mood swings are some of the clear signs he just could not stay away. I really thought he could this time. We had a baby five months ago and he almost died. I guess that was not his rock bottom. And if I am still this upset that he is back to his games than it is back to step one for me. I guess I just thought we were further than we were

How do you coexist? I need to break free but can't afford to right now. I do keep my money separate. I want to confront him but I know there is no point. I know. It's clear. It would just cause him to get defensive, lash out at me, get nasty in front of the kids, flip out, disappear and not speak to me for days.
And I would end up alone and in tears. I'm already there. Cause I'm married w three kids to a man who chooses coke over his family. He is an addict and will never change. And I probably had a clue before I married him but thought I could fix him. I can't and some days I think I can do this but tonight I just don't think I can

story74

There is no coexisting with an addict. I hope for you and your children's safety and well being you get out when you can.

AnvilheadII

I guess I just thought we were further than we were

this is a tough mindset to break....HE owns the addiction, and HE owns the recovery. certainly both affect you, but there is no WE in it. in much the same way you keep your money separate. which is so very smart and wise of you.

on paper he has everything in the world to LIVE for, to stay straight for....a loving dedicated wife and 3 beautiful children, one of which is just an infant. but instead of being a full partner, embracing fatherhood, caring for his family, making sure they want for nothing, he made the decision after a eriod of sobriety to use again. even with the knowledge that last time it almost killed him.

there is nothing you can do for him. at this stage, you must make this about YOU and your children. trust me, with three kids, you are NEVER alone! you've had practice at being the provider, the parent/guardian. you CAN do this. he's made his choices.

Ann

I'm so sorry Ruby, you are wise to know there is no point in confronting him because he's defensive of his disease right now. Just take care of you and your babies and maybe put a plan together for how and when you can do what you need to do.

Your babies need you to think for them too and protect them from the chaos addiction brings.

Keeping you all in my prayers.

Hugs

rubyclaire

Thanks. His family asked me to tell them if I thought he was using again but I am not sure I am strong enough right now. I need to work on detaching again. I get scared because I feel like the more I detach, the more he uses, but that is the codependent in me talking.
I stopped sleeping in our bedroom a few weeks ago when he started becoming moody. I started staying with the little one. My preteen daughter has heard his words to me. I have told her he has been having a hard time dealing with things at work and has been grumpy. He has been "working late" quite a bit. If you saw us on the street you would have no idea that this was our life. But it is. And I need to make that plan I have thought of so many times before. But this time, I really need to make it happen. For my girls. Thank you. I'm just scared

story74

I was scared too. I was a stay at home mom with no money. Thankfully my parents helped me financially. Do you have anyone to stay with or go to until you get back on your feet. It has been almost 3 years since my mess happened. Life keeps going. I survived and so did my son. I did it, you can too! Sending many blessings.

Mountainmanbob

that is a very hard lesson learned
we understand that you have much invested

there is as long as he is still breathing
hope that he may wake up some day
but
(I think) your focus should be
you and your children

sometimes life is just plain rough
then we really kick ourselves in the rear
when we don't help the matter by making bad decisions

the support of a local church may be refreshing for you and your children

Mountainman

rubyclaire

My family doesn't live close and really doesn't understand addiction. I am honestly embarrassed at this point to let them in. I have no where to go right now. My priority is keeping us safe in the home. He is not a threat to us. Only himself. So I need to think of our safety in other ways - financially and emotionally. All money is separate and no joint cards. The emotional is hard. He yells at me over nothing. He is erratic in his thought. He is not physically abusive. He does not yell at the kids.
He will be gone with the older ones tonight. My dad is taking them all out so I know they are safe. He will not do anything stupid in front of him. But it will give me more time to clear me head. It's been a long nine years. I've been living with someone I thought loved me but really was busy loving his drugs
He so honestly wanted to change when he was in the hospital. The addiction is bigger than he is and I can't change that. I just have to remember that. I have to really keep on my step work.

Ann

Ruby, working on my step work has seen me through many dark times. I'm glad you have this to help you, and support from all of us.

Hugs