Lily1918

It's just easier that way. I find myself not enforcing that he use silverware. Fingerfoods are so much easier. Ive been dressing him myself because I just don't want to hear him tantrum first thing in the morning. He has not been wanting to do his therapy and so I give up when the tantrum explodes.

I mean, how do I tune out the tantrum? how do I refuse to do for him the things that I know he can do for himself?



how the heck do I let go when he bangs his head on the wall. The psychiatrist says to put his helmet on and ignore it. UGH!!! REALLY?! I mean his medication helps his destructive behaviors, but I'm having a tough day.

I thought maybe the mammas here might be able to help. I'm so codependent on my son and I just don't know how to be a caregiver and not a caretaker.

He might be disabled, but he isn't helpless. He is just a spoilt brat, and wants everything to be done for him.

He refuses to potty and then purposefully pees in his training pants. I handed him a clean pull-up and pair of pants and put him in the bathroom this morning and told him to get changed. He told me NO! OOO!!! and threw the diaper at me. I walked away and sat on the couch and cried and cried.

Finally after about an hour and a half he came out with the clean pants and pull-up on.

ugh!!! makes me so mad that he can but that he WONT.

Its like having a 5 year old addict in the house and it makes me miserable.

lizwig

I'm sorry Lily. It must be extremely tiresome. I'm sure you already incorporate some of what you've learned here and other places. Those would be my suggestions. Try just letting go as much as you can. Keep reminding him "Mommy knows you can do this and we'll have a big high five when you're done". Then walk away. Keep your tone positive and don't let him think the negative behavior is an issue. Ignore it as much as you can and go really overboard with happiness when he does something without complaining. One thing I used to do with my son was when he would scream or be loud I would lower my voice to a whisper so he'd have to stop to hear me. I'd just keep talking to him but he'd have to strain to hear. I know whenever I got upset or became angry it never improved the situation. Big hug to you today Lily. You are doing great.

KeepinItReal

I think patience is something to pray about. Maybe a support group for moms that are in the same situation.
If it's not one problem, it's another. Life on life's terms, I think they call it.
Anyway, My aunt had to be court ordered to put her daughter into a home. She had fetal alcohol syndrome but to the point that she couldn't speak, walk, hold a cup, and was someone the kids stared at (as disgusting) out in public.
My aunt took care of her for 15 years... but her ex-husband knew she wasn't getting the best care and it wasn't fair to the handicapped child. My aunt couldn't care for her in the ways she needed as advanced handicapped individual. It was really hard for her to let go. To the point he had to get it court ordered.
It sounds like you are teaching your child to dress himself. The things you are giving in to.. are normal. I tell my kid no candy... but sometimes I give in.. because I don't want to deal with the whining.
It's called being a mom! It's difficult!!
You are trying to teach him.
Have you heard of the pom-pom method? He gets a pom pom for everything good he does (a puff ball in a jar) and when the cup is filled he gets a reward of your choosing.
Maybe some positive reinforcement. Hey, I know it's not easy, and i'm not sure if you have tried these things (or if they will work) but we have to keep trying the best we can. Maybe talking to CPSE and starting early intervention through your school district will help give you tools to make the situation better for everyone.
Good luck!!

Lily1918

oh ya, he has been in behavioral Therapy since he was 1. At this point he wont have to be institutionalized unless he becomes violent, or I decide I don't want to do it anymore and give him up.

Autism is tricky because intellectually he is brilliant. He can play piano well, and is at a First grade mathematics level. He is working on times tables already. His central nervous system is understimulated. That's where the headbanging comes from.

He is socially in his terrible twos. He is defiant and rebellious. I'm trying so hard not to enable him and it sucks.

I really appreciate the advice to stay quiet when he starts to yell. I think I have been sending him mixed messages. If I yell at him to be quiet, I MUST be confusing him, but if I choose to be the example and stay quiet, I think that will help a lot

Stucco

I remember my mother saying that she took 2 weeks to train us to stay in the yard. It was all she did for 2 weeks. Anytime we crossed the boundary, she would go outside and get us and bring us inside.

Perhaps you are trying to train too many tasks at the same time. He may be unable to adapt to too many changes at the same time. I would try starting with the behavior that is most troublesome to you and work on that exclusively. Then move on to the next one. He may regress at times to previous behaviors during times of stress, such as when training the next behavior.

All children are susceptible to regression in behaviors. However, each child is an individual with unique timetables and capabilities. Your task is to figure out what works for your child in terms of pacing and rewards. You will have to try and fail until you find what works. Be patient with the process. The time you spend on it now will pay dividends later.

Do you have a job or other commitments? How can you dedicate the time to work on his behaviors exclusively? If he is in daycare, you may be able to get some insight from them. If you are a 24/7 caretaker, it can be very stressful. Find a playgroup and/or program so that both you and he can have some respite from the hard work you are doing. Recognize that it is hard work for him.

With the eating utensils, start when he is not starving and before he has had enough to eat. Require him to use them for 5 minutes or 1 minute or whatever he can do successfully. Use plenty of praise when he is using them. Gradually increase the time required as he gains skill and comfort. Maybe use a timer. It then becomes the timer controlling the timeframe instead of you doing it. He could eventually operate the timer, giving him control over how long he uses them.

Try making a game out of it. My stepkids' mother used to play the Quiet Game. She would challenge them to see who could stay quiet the longest.

Find a support group or forum where you can discuss ideas with other parents of special needs children. This is not the best place to get advice on childrearing, even though there are similarities in the stress you feel trying to raise your son with those that are coping with addicts. Google Precision Teaching. You may be able to find some ideas there.

Chino

Consider earplugs for the times he's being LOUD (tantrums in the morning). You'll still be able to hear but it takes it down a notch or two.

Lily1918

all wonderful ideas!! I do have a sunday class with other moms and that's a nice place to be. I know its a little OT here on this board, but there are so many mammas here I figured they could relate =]

thanks everyone for letting me get it out. I'm trying to work on and change me and my rescuing him from his challenges more than trying to change him and make him be more obedient.

hugs y'all

Leana

Living with a child with autism or other disability is soooo difficult. That said, you did great today with the pants. It might have taken an hour but he came out with those clean pants on didn't he? So good job mom! Stop beating yourself up. Small steps. One behavior change a week or a month. You already started with using the toilet. Keep on that one for a while, then maybe move onto the fork/spoon issue.

Sara21

Hi Lily,
The school system in my town has an autism program and kids as young as 3 (including some that are not yet potty trained) are enrolled in it. I've heard parents say how happy they are with the positive changes they see in their kids. Perhaps you can call your school district and see if they offer a similar program. At 2, he may still be too young, but it doesn't hurt to ask. Good luck and hang in there!

Ann

Lily, don't feel you are anything less than a terrific mother, you face challenges that most of us cannot even imagine.

I agree with others here that it is good to investigate all the autism support programs that may be available, for your son and for yourself.

I know autistic children often don't take well to other caregivers, but is there anyone from your family who could relieve you now and then so that you can have time just for you? A co-worker was dealing with this years ago and his in-laws lived nearby and they developed a program together for their autistic son so that the parents could come for a weekend and once as long as a week, so the parents could get away and have some quality time together. It helped them all to work together on this and made a much happier environment.

It's hard being a mama, it's harder being a mama of a child with special challenges. Your child is blessed to have you.

Hugs

bluebelle

Lily,
I agree with Ann. Is there respite care available for your son? We have that here, so you can have some time to do things you need to do and get a break. It sounds like you handled the pull up thing very well. Try to focus on what you can do and not beat yourself up for your "mistakes." You are in a challenging position. I know people who work with autistic kids professionally, and I know it is challenging for them--and they have many years experience and training.

sevenofnine

I'm wondering how much he can communicate? Speech is not always indicative of understanding so its even possible he is answering you without actually getting it. I know lots of kids with autism do better using photos to cue communication. Have you tried making a social story for him? It might work better than talking for explaining the behaviours you want from him.
One thing to try with the self stimulation behaviours is to keep a diary to see if you notice any pattern to it, antecedents that set him off. Also, if there are stims he can do that are more functional or less dangerous, encourage those. Punishing stims is hard on a kids who is doing something just to get his stimulation needs met. I'm wondering if rhythmic hard back patting, being squeezed or putting on loud music could help meet his need...I wonder if its the noise, the movement, the feeling of the impact or the rhythm he finds pleasant, because that can be a cue to how you can find a more functional stim. Helping him meet his sensory needs is not enabling, so do not beat yourself up if the answer in the mean time is a helmet. I know it's hard to see your child in a device that proclaims disability, but if it is something that is helping him cope, then that is the GOOD kind of enabling.
I would not worry too much about table manners yet as it strikes me as way below toilet and dressing in terms of importance and also regular development. I agree with PP that one issue at a time will be much less stressful. It also helps to have a very rigid routine, so he can make sense of what is otherwise a confusing and frightening world.

One thing you cannot expect from your autistic son is that he will mimic you. He is probably not yelling because he is copying you because you yell, as imitation is a major deficit in autism. Social skills, communication skills, identifying and expressing his own emotions all need to be explicitly taught unlike neurotypical children who naturally absorb these skills from their surroundings. It is more likely he is yelling and tantrum king because he doesn't know a more effective way yet.
One really great source for learning about how the world is for kids with autism is Temple Grandin. Watching some of her lectures on YouTube may help you understand more about how his world is different than ours. On the very positive side:
He feeds himself
He walks
He is capable (if not willing) of dressing himself. That means he is not as severely affected as some of the worst cases, so I hold lots of hope for progress over the years to come. ( he isn't an adult?).

And my neurotypical child does almost all of the stuff you mentioned except the stimming, and I do all of the things you mentioned, including yelling. That is so normal. I'm sure you don't expect perfection from him, just that he try hard most of the time, so allow yourself that same grace.

If he is still very small, maybe you are new to autism and digging around the Internet to learn more about all the ways autism affects the senses and communication would help. If not, forgive me for all the stuff I'm telling you that you already know and tried. In both cases I have lots of sympathy for how hard it is to parent average, (even angelic, kids, let alone this) and I send you strength.

Hugs!

allforcnm

So many great tips on this thread. My prayers go out to you and your kids; they are fortunate to have such a dedicated mom. My son is "2" - terrible two's... he is ok so far, but you can see him forming his own "self" and it is a challenge for us to give up a little of the nurturing, to let him begin to explore more, try more on his own. I agree little by little; especially if there is a feeling of frustration. Nothing wrong with one accomplishment at a time.

needingabreak

Hugs to you Lily. I think you are an absolutely amazing mother. I cannot begin to imagine how tired you must feel dealing with this day in and day out. I think you have received a lot of great ideas here to kind of help lower the frustration you must feel at times. I think you showed extreme willpower leaving him in the bathroom to put his clean clothes on...........and he did. I think you are very special to do all you can for your son. Not every mom could go through this and work as hard with their child. I think you are inspiring!