Need help with sister and mother
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Tavares
Posts: 7
Need help with sister and mother
Well let me see if I can make a long story short. I am having a big problem with my mother and sister. My sister is 48 and I am 53. She has been an alcoholic since she was 14. Now she is not only an alcoholic but a drug addict as well. She is hooked on pain pills. My mother is one of those people that does not like confrontation or to talk about anything bad. My father has really bad back problems so he takes pain medication. I live 2 blocks from my mother and my sister lives 2 hours away.
Recently, my sister came for a one month visit. Now keep in mind that I know all of my sisters tricks. She will lie, cheat, steal for drugs. She has stolen drugs from me and she has went so low as to return groceries to the store for drug money and went without food. It's bad. But, my mother doesn't see this. When we knew she was coming, my mother and I hid all of our medications and decided that we would not give her any meds or alcohol no matter what.
Well, I had to go get my sister and bring her here. We were not 5 miles out of town when she started complaining about a toothache. I knew right then that she was setting it up so she can get some of my fathers pain meds.
As soon as she got here she wanted to know if I knew where she could buy drugs. I told her no and to not ask me again. After a few days at my moms I spoke to my mom and she said that my sister had a terrible toothache and she has NOT given her anything but tylenol. I found out later that my mother lied to me and she made my father give her 15 pain pills. I could not believe it! Then my sister made a dentist appt to get pills. She got them too. She got 45 pills and they were gone in 2 days. Then she wanted me to take her to see someone about buying pills and I told her no so she had her son bring her car to her so she could go herself.
I told my mom about all this and she said I was being extreme. She is in so much denial!
It has caused a big riff between me and my mother and sister with my mother being on my sisters side. She states that I am doing all this because I am jealous!
So now my sister is moving here. I am not liking this because she will take advantage of my mother and father. I am so worried about this. I do not know what to do.
How do I get this fixed? How do I protect my parents? This is driving me crazy!
I am afraid she will steal all of my fathers pills and she will steal their money. Any ideas?
Recently, my sister came for a one month visit. Now keep in mind that I know all of my sisters tricks. She will lie, cheat, steal for drugs. She has stolen drugs from me and she has went so low as to return groceries to the store for drug money and went without food. It's bad. But, my mother doesn't see this. When we knew she was coming, my mother and I hid all of our medications and decided that we would not give her any meds or alcohol no matter what.
Well, I had to go get my sister and bring her here. We were not 5 miles out of town when she started complaining about a toothache. I knew right then that she was setting it up so she can get some of my fathers pain meds.
As soon as she got here she wanted to know if I knew where she could buy drugs. I told her no and to not ask me again. After a few days at my moms I spoke to my mom and she said that my sister had a terrible toothache and she has NOT given her anything but tylenol. I found out later that my mother lied to me and she made my father give her 15 pain pills. I could not believe it! Then my sister made a dentist appt to get pills. She got them too. She got 45 pills and they were gone in 2 days. Then she wanted me to take her to see someone about buying pills and I told her no so she had her son bring her car to her so she could go herself.
I told my mom about all this and she said I was being extreme. She is in so much denial!
It has caused a big riff between me and my mother and sister with my mother being on my sisters side. She states that I am doing all this because I am jealous!
So now my sister is moving here. I am not liking this because she will take advantage of my mother and father. I am so worried about this. I do not know what to do.
How do I get this fixed? How do I protect my parents? This is driving me crazy!
I am afraid she will steal all of my fathers pills and she will steal their money. Any ideas?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Good morning, welcome to the board. I'm sorry for what has brought you here but am glad you found us! The reality is....your sister may do all of the things you fear. Unfortunately you cannot set boundaries for your parents. We all reach our tolerance level at different times and your parents will continue to support her until they reach their limit. The good news is you get to decide when you've reached yours! You can place boundaries regardless of where they are at in their relationship with her. You can express your concerns and then let it go. As you know, addicts can be very manipulative and don't appreciate having people call their bluff. Once we begin establishing boundaries things can get worse before they get better. Almost as if the addiction is testing us...trying to get us to return to our old ways of helping, whatever. Ask yourself what you are not willing to accomodate...what are you willing to do to help her? Example...you will give her a ride to NA, but not to the drug dealer...etc. Stay firm and remember that YOU can be the change in the dynamic. If nothing changes then nothing changes....but hopefully by you setting an example your parents may begin to follow suit and as your sisters resources dry up she may decide she needs a permanent change. Hard to say...but keep reading here, read the stickies at the top of the forum, keep posting and talking about it...and remember that YOU are powerless over your sister's addiction. Al-anon or Nar-anon would be a great support to you and your parents as well, regardless if she is still using. Big hug to you today.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Tavares
Posts: 7
Thank you, I have tried all these things and I do understand these things. As far as letting her drive her car, I tried everything to stop her driving. That is the reason I went and got her to start with. I did not know she had her son bring her the car until the next day. Believe me, she knows how I feel. I have been by her side at NA and AA. But, somehow I am the enemy. Thank you both for the info and hopefully I can help my parents to not enable her. They are very old.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 152
It's a tough situation with our elderly parents. The problem for your parents may come in when they need to start having refills more often. Narcotics are closely regulated aren't they? Would your dad's physician continue to prescribe more and more meds?
And agree with the above, you can only set your boundaries and take care of yourself. Family relationships play out over time.
And agree with the above, you can only set your boundaries and take care of yourself. Family relationships play out over time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Tavares
Posts: 7
My father gets 4 Hydrocodones a day and he only takes a half so he has plenty left over. Yes, my sister needs a rehab center. I do not think we can help her on our own. She was suppose to go into a rehab center and the day before she decided not to. I am glad that she is moving because then she will be away from her drug friends but...I don't want her moving here. Anyway, I realize that now she has to be the one to do this. But, her husband, children and my parents are enabling her. UGH! Well, TY everyone for your help. I am so frustrated that I think I am trying to find a quick fix and there isn't one.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 26
I'm sorry you have to deal with your sisters addiction. I was coming on here to vent about my brother, and your post is so similar to my situation. I want to protect my parents. I always am the mediator, the one who takes care of things, gets things done, and tries to mend all the hearts broken by my addict brother- my parents, my kids, my brothers kids. This recent relapse over the past few days he stole medicine and money from both of our parents, and stole his own son's iPod and his bike. Shattered the hearts of mom and dad with his actions and hate filled words, and since he is using again they threw him out and he is now harassing them with endless phone calls telling our parents how he is going to kill himself, and that it is all their fault.
Sorry I have no advice at the moment, only cyber hugs to send your way and saying I completely understand what you're dealing with and sympathize with you.
Sorry I have no advice at the moment, only cyber hugs to send your way and saying I completely understand what you're dealing with and sympathize with you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 26
And thank YOU, for that 
My brother checked himself to the mental health hospital / facility in my town. He has called & left me a few voicemails but I have not answered his calls, I reached out to help him this last time he was released from prison - after no communication with him for 2 years, because I saw a tiny glimmer of hope within him. Our mom has had several heart related health issues over this past summer, and I first saw him when mom was hospitalized and we both were visiting her. Between helping my dad care for mom, and taking care of my own home & kids, it was alot for me, and around that time was when I found this site. Just talking with others who know what it's like has helped me tremendously, and I've shared this site with my dad, and keep trying to get my parents to go to a Nar-Anon meeting, because they need the support so bad. So far they haven't put forth the effort to go, and I will probably have to find some meeting schedules and take them myself. I'm the "take charge" one in our family, my parents are just overwhelmed, tired, heartbroken. They are also raising one of my brothers sons, he is 14 and has been with them for almost a year, after he was removed from his mothers care because she is also an addict, and completely unfit :/ my nephew is a very good kid, especially considering he was dealt a crappy hand in the parents department, but still, raising ANY teenager is tiring, especially for them being in their mid 60s and dealing with my brother.
Take care, I'm here if you ever need someone to vent to who knows just what it's like.
heather
My brother checked himself to the mental health hospital / facility in my town. He has called & left me a few voicemails but I have not answered his calls, I reached out to help him this last time he was released from prison - after no communication with him for 2 years, because I saw a tiny glimmer of hope within him. Our mom has had several heart related health issues over this past summer, and I first saw him when mom was hospitalized and we both were visiting her. Between helping my dad care for mom, and taking care of my own home & kids, it was alot for me, and around that time was when I found this site. Just talking with others who know what it's like has helped me tremendously, and I've shared this site with my dad, and keep trying to get my parents to go to a Nar-Anon meeting, because they need the support so bad. So far they haven't put forth the effort to go, and I will probably have to find some meeting schedules and take them myself. I'm the "take charge" one in our family, my parents are just overwhelmed, tired, heartbroken. They are also raising one of my brothers sons, he is 14 and has been with them for almost a year, after he was removed from his mothers care because she is also an addict, and completely unfit :/ my nephew is a very good kid, especially considering he was dealt a crappy hand in the parents department, but still, raising ANY teenager is tiring, especially for them being in their mid 60s and dealing with my brother.
Take care, I'm here if you ever need someone to vent to who knows just what it's like.
heather
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