Lily1918

well, D is signing the plea bargain at the end of the month. He will be serving 2 years in state prison. Im so relieved. His attorney believes he will be released in 1 1/2 if he continues to do well in the program.

The hardest part about this was not knowing how long his sentence was going to be. He tells me that he plans on going from the prison back to the Salvation Army for a few months after his release. His motive for going from prison treatment to inpatient treatment is to learn how to live a normal life again. He will learn how to have a job again, and get into a routine. He will not be released on parole, because Arizona no longer has a parole program. Once he is out he will be done. He has gotten involved in the ministry at the jail and is hoping to do so when he is moved to the prison. He has sent me letters filled with scriptures and I am grateful that he is sober. I would rather him be institutionalized forever and be sober, than to be here with me and be using.

My recovery is going well. I have finished my outpatient program and have been going to Celebrate Recovery 3 - 4 nights a week. I like this program better than Al - anon and NA, but I understand that it doesn't work for everyone.

I am struggling with getting along with my mother in law. Her husband, Ds father, has relapsed into alcohol. There is about $200 missing from their account and she is in a state of utter denial. He is a meth addict and up until this point he was 30 + years sober. She blames D for his fathers relapse and me for Ds. I really don't think that is fair at all. I have been avoiding her calls at all costs. She is so controlling. I feel bad for her, really, I do, but at the same time I would have more compassion if she wasn't so mean.

My son who is autistic has been put on a new medication. I spoke with my mentor about it. I am responsible for dispensing his meds to him every day. Some of my friends in the group wonder how I don't steal it. Honestly, I am not tempted because it is such a low dose for his little 5 year old body that it would take 2 bottles to even do anything to me. I worry about him though, because I have a little child in my care who is now dependent on the very medication that sent D to prison. He takes his meds in the evening, and by the late afternoon I see his little self start to enter withdrawls. He gets chills, and his eyes get wide. He is cranky, and starts begging for his meds. The medicine really does help him. It keeps him calm, and he no longer bangs his head on the wall.

I find myself being very codependent on my son and I am struggling with rescuing in little ways. It is so much easier for me to get him dressed myself. It takes maybe 5 minutes, but instead I am supposed to let him struggle with his socks, shoes and shirts every morning. The amazing thing is that He CAN dress himself, but it takes him about an hour every morning, and a Lot of tantruming when I refuse to help.

so I guess that's where I am at. Thanks to all of you for all of your support.


I also want to add.... I wonder how in the world people think that 30 days in treatment is enough to kick heroin, and why they are surprised when their loved ones relapse after such a short period of time. If he really does continue with his treatment plan, D will have been in inpatient treatment for almost 3 years by the time he is done... after nearly 10 years of use. I mean rome wasn't built in a day after all. I have been in treatment since August, but I have never been to inpatient. It is such a struggle out here in the real world, and sometimes I feel that the easiest way to be sober is to lock yourself in a box, away from all people who do drugs, and away from all enablers. just my two cents. hugs

EnglishGarden

I admire all your hard work. I hope for you good friends, safe friends who care about you and are there when you need them.

Your little son.....you have a tremendous responsibility. It gives great meaning to your life, the raising of your son, and you are doing the best you can with what you know at this time. Those of us who have raised a child, we know how hard young mothers (and fathers) can be on themselves. I was pretty much clueless, as every young child is absolutely unique and what is beneficial for one is not always beneficial for another. I did not really know what my child needed for he was so new. But your intuition....it is very strong regarding your child. Try to listen to it.

I agree about the unrealistic expectations people usually have about how soon a heroin addict will turn around. It sets them up for tremendous pain when the addict does not meet their ideal timeline for sobriety and competency in life. I think few understand the deep pull of opiates. I imagine it like a riptide.

Dr. Carl Jung said that spiritual fitness and a protective wall of community is the best thing for an alcoholic or drug addict who wants to stay sober. It sounds as if you have figured that out for yourself. You are doing the work, not just sitting back and hoping for the best. It is the work of authentic recovery. It will bring stability and peace to your home.

lizwig

You sound in a really good spot Lily!! I'm so pleased you are happy with the sentencing outcome and that your husband sounds committed to making good use of his time. You can do this. I have no doubt you are a great mom and will continue to walk forward. Big high five to you tonight! Lots of changes but huge growth potential too!!

KeepinItReal

Lilly - its funny you said that about locking yourself in a box.
I moved, Changed my #, stopped "hanging out ", plus put boundaries on my triggers. I çommitted to my happiness and freedom. It took a long time ...but I'm free and happy ... most days.
Glad things are figured out some! Sending good wishes your way!!

LoveMeNow

Great job Lilly!!!

Also, I really don't think codependency is an overused word at all on a recovery forum. In fact, I wish the word would come up more so people would share and learn to work on themselves and stop obsessing and trying to control another persons choices in life. More and more, this site is becoming all about the addict and how to save them......something we have no control over!!

Twofish

Hi Lily, I'm a mom of 2 recovering Heroin ADs. 12 weeks cleans now. Everyone's recovery is different, like a fingerprint! I think you're doing a great job as a mom to you're little child and have a solid plan in place. Too bad you lack the support from that MIL! She should be grateful, happy and helping you. Not obsessing, blaming and putting all the guilt on you. I never could understand why people judge so much, maybe that's how she is able to handle and accept why her CHILD is where he is. Take care of yourself, find some new strong friends, don't be alone,keep posting and reading, we are here for you! TF

jacrazz

Perfection.....I will NEVER own that term.....I will own the word "love" though

Kindeyes

Thanks for the update Lily. Overall things seem to be going well. That doesn't mean there aren't struggles....but the big picture looks promising.

Codependency springs from our own inability to watch another person struggle. Instead of allowing them the opportunity for their own growth....we step in and "help them out"....and they learn nothing. No one really has the right to determine if another person is codependent.....but if someone claims the term......I hope others will respect their right to do so. It is no more an overused term on this forum than the term "addict". JMHO.

I am codependent. It's an unhealthy set of behaviors that comes from a kind and loving heart. Lily....if you identify your own behaviors as codependent....that's ok.....you're ok!

Keep up the great work with your recovery. I'd love to hear more about Celebrate Recovery and how it differs from other support programs.

gentle hugs
ke

Tinks65

prayers for you Lily, you sound like you are in a good place, even though there are struggles it is in them that we find our strength.

KeepinItReal

I think codependency varies in severity. A child needs us to let them learn and have the space to do so.
I don't know if your kids attend pre-school... but in my state the school district will come into their pre-school environment for early assessment and easy assimilation into Kindergarten. I deal with a slight behavior "disorder" for my son but it only influences his ability to make and keep friends. He's wired to like pain and doesn't hit out of anger or rage but in a very playful way. (not realizing the other kids don't like it) His school has used different techniques to help and i'm actually going to be using the school district we are located in for early assessment. He won't be labeled (they promised) and will be able to continue in a "normal" classroom.
I look at it like this: Any help I can get I will get. I just want him to be able to hold and keep friendships and learn impulse control. Learn other ways to get that pleasure seeking (hitting) behavior. I will probably have no choice but engage him in sports.
My son attends Head Start and it's a wonderful program. I'm so grateful for all of their help. I'm hoping by the time Kind hit's he will have learned and gained control of his impulses. Also, the schools cannot force anyone into special education. It's a choice and it will not be an option I choose.
Maybe there are free resources the school district can offer you in your area. I didn't know about it until someone told me. Good luck.

hopeful4

Hi Lily. I can so relate to him being in jail being a better place than at home using. It gives you time to focus on you and your son and he on his own recovery. I too attend Celebrate Recovery. It has changed my life in so many good ways, I have been attending for almost 4 years. Maybe your mother in law should attend CR also. It sounds like she could really use it!

I wish you all the best. Remind yourself, you are human. You obviously love your son and take good care of him. It is a give and take relationship that will never be perfect, but who is? NO ONE!

Keep up the great work you are doing. God Bless!

Lily1918

I would LOVE for my son to be like that keepingitreal. mine is severely autistic. we have been treating him since about 1 year old. He does not speak but is not mute. The medical community does not use the term ******** anymore. They prefer intellectually disabled, and many times ******** can be used as a derogatory term. My son is EXTREMELY intellectually disabled. We have many autistic boys in the family. There seems to be some genetic connection through our mom's side.

I just don't want to do anything for him that he can do for himself. The latest adventure was graduating out of the baby swing. I probably have the only 5 year old at the park still in the baby swing. I told myself "well, he is ******** after all... he will fall out of the big swing and get hurt. I need to keep him safe in the baby swing." but one day I gave it a try and guess what? he fell. again. and again. But he just cant stay in the baby swing forever. He needs to learn to hold on all by himself.

I say that these behaviors of mine are codependent because they are. It is always wrong for me to baby him. He is a big boy and can swing and dress himself. It is his right to fall off of the swing. Normal kids do all the time.

Celebrate Recovery is a Christian group. I like being able to specifically reference Christ without stepping on any toes or sounding preachy. They do not use the big book at all, only the bible. The twelve steps are used, but at the same time they are not. Jesus gave 8 principles to live by. They are called the beatitudes and can be found in Matthew Chapter 5. The 12 steps are kinda based on the beatitudes. I like Celebrate Recovery because Jesus said "I am the way the truth and the life, no one comes to the Father except through me" well.... I have tried to find recovery many ways, and the only one that works for me is Jesus, I really believe he is the only HP. I understand that I cannot say these things in AA NA or the anon meetings. everyone has their own HP, I do still go to those meetings from time to time, but I want to be in a place where we all have the same HP, and in a place where it is safe for me to say that the Christian god, is the only god. You see... I don't hurt anyone that way.

hugs everyone! =] thank you for all of your support.

Twofish

Hi Lily, I was just reading and rereading your last post. Regarding "who our HP is" and referring a Christian Group to an atheist group or how others judge you if you reference Christ or some other HP, I personally attend ANY meeting that will give me support in understanding my ADs recovery. I do get internally upset when a non-Christian rolls there eyes or says a comment (BTW I am a Christian) that is offensive to me. I let it go, let it roll off my shoulders. Why let myself get upset over a comment from someone who is judging me. Who knows, Someday, God may judge them..? Besides the group leader will recognize it and may put a stop to the ignorance. I go for the support, the understanding the advice and the hope. I truly hope I am making sense to you. Take care of yourself and that beautiful son who is going to need you for the rest of his life. Don't forget to look after yourself too! TF

Lily1918

CR is interesting because although it is separated by gender, it isn't separated by addictions. I recently met a lady who goes because she is a self proclaimed "shopaholic"
It helps me see the similarities instead of differences.

D's mom stopped by to say hello today and gave me a new pair of shoes that her friend had no need for. I thought it was very nice of her. She never had a daughter, and she invited me to go have a cup of coffee. She told me that she misses me, and we had a very nice hour two. She invited me to her house for thanksgiving, and asked if I wanted to get together sometime over the next month or so and do a day of holiday baking together with my daughter. I think I would enjoy that. I don't know what her motives are, and I don't care because she is obviously trying to be friends and get along. She asked me if I would like a new sewing machine for Christmas.

I did invite her to Celebrate Recovery tonight and she politely declined. That's ok. I do want the two of us to get along, and I cant even imagine the pain that she is in. She is embarrassed that her son is a felon, and knows nothing about the prison system. She asked if I had any plans on visiting him after new years. She said she is afraid to go alone. We talked about what the dress code is like for visits, and I told her little things many people don't think about, like making sure the shoes you wear don't have laces, and to be sure you don't wear any jewelry or have any bobby pins in your hair.

I have to admit I was a little annoyed that she just showed up without calling first. It seems a little bit odd... I feel like maybe she was trying to catch me doing something I wasn't supposed to do, but maybe I am just paranoid. I have never had a mom before, well, not in a very long time, and I'm not sure what kind of boundaries are appropriate. I heard her searching my bathroom when she got here. I was a little miffed but oh well, more power to her I don't have anything hidden in there anymore. She was searching the kitchen too when I came out of my room from changing clothes, I ignored it and thanked her for putting my dishes away. I think the only time I would say anything is if she goes into my bedroom. I just don't want my sanctuary invaded.

The crazy thing is that I know she was looking for evidence of drugs, but the more I let her search the more frustrated she became. Don't you think she would be happy that there weren't drugs in the house??? Maybe she is convinced that there are, and was upset she couldn't find them.

She doesn't like that my sons medication is in the house, she wants to hold them at hers and offered to bring me his pill every evening. It made me angry, but I laughed on the outside and told her that I couldn't get high off of them even if I tried. SHe opened the bottle and counted the pills anyway.

=[ oh well. It will just take time. Im trying to put myself in her shoes. I'm upset but I let it go. I just don't know.... at least she didn't go toss my bedroom too.... I guess it would be different if I was in her house, but she came to mine, uninvited and did this. Still, I am proud of myself for how well I handled the situation. detach detach detach

Ann

Lily, you are a courageous woman with a heart of gold. My heart and my prayer go out to you and your son.

Hugs