Still struggling......
 

Hi everyone, I'm new to this site but have been lurking on here for quite sometime now & it has brought some peace of mind at those hard times I'm currently going thru. ok so here goes my long story....

My bf & I met 2 years ago & have been on & off together ever since. I just recently realized he had a really bad pain killer addiction. We started dating & off the bat he was always nodding off while driving & sometimes appearing "drunk" in public, slurring, etc. Anyhow I had never dealt with a drug addict before so I did not know ALL that came with it. He was very moody at times, had extreme highs & lows (I'm assuming due to being high), sometimes would think we shouldn't be together bc I was "too good" for him & that I needed someone that could reciprocate what I was giving him. Then he finally broke up with me after new years & we didn't really speak until 3 months later when I couldn't take it anymore & I called him to see how he was doing. He then emailed me a week or so later asking if I wanted to get a place together to only be "roomates" bc as he put it wasn't ready for anything other than something platonic at the time. I agreed thinking I'd win him back & all would be well. That seemed to work except for the constant push & pull I was getting from him, along with the highs & lows again he would go thru. I finally gave him an ultimatum & he finally committed to me. All was well until months later & I started noticing that he hardly ever had money except for rent & some food. He would just lie around on the couch when off work & watch t.v. I had to plead him to do anything, then he may or may not. Anyways, everytime it came time for us to go away together for a weekend , he was always in a hurry to get home to buy pills. It would **** me off to no end. He ended up getting fired from his job. His stepfather had a stroke afterwards & later died & so he & his sister had to take care of his mother who had severe dementia. He'd have to go over on the weekends & stay with her. He didn't have the best relationship with his parents or his sister, always talking trash on them, etc. I noticed that overtime of staying over there he was stealing pills from the house & taking them plus also buying morphine pills from the lady downstairs from us. It seemed like every month he'd go thru withdrawals until finally one weekend he started puking up green vomit & told his sister about his drug problem & that he needed help. She told me he'd gone thru this with him twice before in & out of 2 rehabs in the last few years. Prior to him coming clean about his addiction to her, we were having major problems in our relationship. He kept saying "he needed to be alone" & wanted me to move out or go stay with family for a few months across the country. H'ed then wake up another morning holding me not wanting me to go claiming he loved me. Well finally that day came where he went to detox & when I picked him up to take him home he broke the news to me that we needed to break up. My heart shattered into a million pieces at that point & has been ever since. I didn't have enough money to leave & drive across the states to my family so his sister gave me the money to do so & I literally felt "written off". She was so cold about doing so. She basically kicked me out of the apt the day after she took him to rehab & I have not heard a word from him or her or any of his family ever since. It has been 2 months. He was in a really expensive celebrity type rehab place so I can't help but to feel as if he's gonna relapse & it's more like a resort vacation than an actual rehab. His sister is using his mother's money & supporting him through all of this & I'm so angry & sad bc I felt like I have just been thrown away like garbage! It hurts so much :/ Some days are better than others but I've never had depression/anxiety this bad before until all of this. He said he loved me & that he would keep in touch but he hasn't & I know for a fact at this facility that they allow cell phone/computer usuage at anytime. I even heard from a friend that he'd been on facebook telling everyone he's sorry for his absence but he'd be happy to answer any questions anyone had...WTF?! ugh sorry but I am extremely hurt. Any kind words or advice or similar experience, please share.

I know how you feel about being written off especially when you've been the one who has truly been trying to help him through his struggle. My ex fiancé's family did the same thing. I'm still having a difficult time accepting it. It's been almost 2 months... :(

I know it's the worst feeling ever bc they were kind of superficial people to begin with & that's why he wasn't that close with them bc they were all about money. I didn't come from money & I guess they saw that esp his sister (who was little miss keepin up with the joneses) her husband is a pain pill addict also. He & I were so close & then bam! he tells her everything & all of a sudden I'm uprooted out of the apt being forced to leave & have heard nothing since :/ It's like I've had a relationship with a ghost or somethin. I don't know when or if I'll ever mend from this. This is def a first for me. I'm living on the road right now & I thought running away to NYC to stay for awhile would help me but I keep getting scared & having anxiety when I'm almost there. Well money's an issue too but I am nowhere near happy 800 miles south with my family.... What gives? Usually running away helps bc I can't be around the same scenery we had without getting depressed all over again.

it makes me wonder if they ever really loved us to begin with ya know? He & I were so close & then bam! NOTHING :( I don't think I've ever been this depressed in my life over anything. I usually get better when I travel to fun places but this time when I am almost to NYC I start panicking & get scared to go. Ugh what is wrong with me? I don't want this entire situation to control & compose my life :(

Are you getting my messages?

yes check your inbox now, it wouldn't let me send them until i had 5 posts on here

Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you found us.

I'm going to be straight up with you: an addict in active addiction is incapable of mature, romantic love. And that's because addiction is an incredibly selfish state of mind and being. You got in the way of a moving truck, and I really, really empathize with both your pain and your confusion.

There is, however, nothing to be confused about if you can look at this from 10,000 feet up: addicts do what they do because they're addicts. They will lie, cheat, steal, and behave in ways that are seemingly sociopathic without any sort of remorse. It doesn't matter what you do for them or how supportive you are. This is what they do. And this is how it will always be until they decide enough is enough and do the incredibly hard work to not only stop using drugs, but to deal with the characterlogical and cognitive stuff that kept them in that destructive, endless cycle.

Since you've lurked here for a while, you may be aware that some of us are addicts in recovery, and their stories are nothing sort of amazing and awe-inspiring. They are brutally honest about themselves. When you stumble upon these posts, pay attention.

As far as your pain goes, it sucks. And there's no way of avoiding it or getting around it. You have to go through it. And as someone that was betrayed by an addict in one of the cruelest ways you can be betrayed, I can tell you it does get better. All it takes, really, is a decision that you will get through it, you will weather all the ups and downs, and you will come out the other side stronger. This is a choice. You can choose to stay stuck, or decide enough is enough and put this guy in your rearview mirror until his reflection gets smaller then vanishes all together.

Frankly, you deserve better. So be kind to yourself and start the process of healing. And before you know it, you'll feel better. Trust me.

ZoSo

Thank you though so I appreciate what you have written. I realize that each and every day is going to be a struggle but one of these days he will be in the past and I will be better. It's just that some days are better than others

Gothbarbie, im so sorry for what you are going through. My daughter is a heroin addict. She is only 20. The pain she is putting me and my family through I would not wish on my worst enemy. They manipulate, lie, cheat, say the most horrible hurtful things, play on your fears and insecurities, and would throw you to the wolves in a heartbeat to get their next fix. You ARE able to walk away and have your own healthy life. You are not married or have children with him correct? You do not have to live with this for the rest of your life. You can recover from this. You CANNOT fix him! He has to fix himself.

It is so true! Me and my AH were both addicts until 2009 .. when I finally was done. He was not.
Living through addiction is more than difficult! I have survived. I have not left my husband because it's not that easy for me. We have two kids and have been through hell together. He helped me stay sober when I was pregnant and we are complete co-dependents with each other for as long as I can remember.
I can understand the pain that I would be in if he left me! However, if either of us were to seek treatment privately they would have advised us to cut off any relationship for the 1st year of treatment. If he's serious about getting better he has to leave all relationships in the wind ... especially any emotional or co-dependent ones.
I have learned I do not NEED my husband to survive. I can move on with my life without him. It's my CHOICE. Either way, I will be okay .. and survive no matter what happens. No matter if he dies from an OD, I get divorced or he ends up in jail forever. Whatever happens... I will be okay. I'm staying in my own lane!!

I always heard they say not to get in new relationships when seeking treatment. I'm still a mess from all of this :( I can't hardly focus on anything anymore. my emotions are at an all time low and feeling. very scattered to say the least. I wish I could just get over it already BC I'm ruining my own life it feeling like. I will say though that if I were to at least hear from him ad get some sort of apology I'd feel a little. better.

Sometimes we become as addictive to the addict as they are to their drugs.

Your still looking towards him as your fix. To solve your emotions to make you feel better. And when we continue to look to the most damaged person we know to help us, that's when we know it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with us.

I don't want him back but I at least want an apology. I know that I need to put it all behind me, and I want to. I don't really miss him to be honest. he has caused me to be in a financial strain by the sudden uprooting of my life. this is my rock bottom. I'm hoping it gets better. from here

And what exactly will an apology from him do for you? What will his apology represent to you?

That he cared?

That he did love you?

I don't know but I feel as though I deserve one at least. I know now he didn't probably truly love me it ead was only the addiction talking. I don't know anymore . I also realize. now that he didn't care about me.

Maybe the apology you need is to yourself for trying to force a relationship with someone who was showing you he really didn't want one.

I'm not trying to throw salt into your wombs but at some point in order to move forward in life you have to take responsibility for your part in your own hurt.

I'm sorry that you feel so badly, gothbarbie, but so many of us here have been through similar situations and we know the lies that we told ourselves. Beneath your desire for an apology is most probably a desire for him to once again declare his love for you so that you can "win him back". This is all a part of the addict/co-addict dance – I'm not pointing a finger at you, because I did the same thing.

What you have NOW is a chance to start working on YOU. Your relationship with a person addicted to substances was not coincidental – it is a reflection of your emotional and spiritual maturity. I realize that what I'm saying may sting, but many of us here are working hard to never again feel the anguish that you now feel, and one of the keys to that is an acceptance of reality and a turning away from fantasies about ourselves and about others.

You obviously need to make your own choices about your life, but I hope that you decide to surround yourself with people that love you and can nurture you while you start on a path of recovery. Let go of the pain that you're holding onto and move forward, with honesty.

ill accept tht. I've been struggling with that myself. also. I guess I didn't want the rejection but it was there all along :(

thanks everyone for the kind honest advice <3

Rejection is hard, causes all kinds of old and new unwelcomed feelings. Start trying to wrap your mind around this being a blessing, that he did you a favor, a kind act so that you can have the life and relationship you deserve with the person capable of giving that to you.

Wrap your mind around that you deserve far better then what he could have possible offered you.

Wrap your mind around understanding red flags with people and relationships and get to a healthy place. Heathy attracts heathly, unhealthy attracts unhealthy.