SilentLove

Yeah I don't understand that either. It sucks that we are the ones waiting for them to give us the time of day. how long has it been since you have heard from him? I keep thinking mine has someone else too. Maybe it will help me get over him faster.


We need to get better :/

gothbarbie

the last time we spoke was the day he left for rehab which was the last weekend in August. I haven't heard a thing from him or his family. I dunno what I'm waiting for honestly. I'm harboring this deep inner hope for him to realize what he's done to me & return but I guess that really only happens in movies. I just take it day by day that's all I can really do. I miss him & hope he's well but at the same time I want the life he promised me ...I need to grow up & face reality..ugh :/

gothbarbie

Someone please tell me why the hell I can't just be over him already?! I'm literally having more bad days than good ones here lately :/ I know some think I'm a codie or an idiot for missing such "chaos" in my life but it wasn't always like that. Maybe I'm finding it hard to shake that I was ditched so easily, I dunno. These last 4 months have been nothing but severe depression, some wasted days & sleepless nights. I've been trying SOO hard working on me but I always end up sad . Has anyone had an experience where their XABF/GF came back after several months of no contact???

Nina Kay

gothbarbie,
Have you ever gone to any Alanon or Naranon Meetings? They are for loved ones of addicts/alcoholics who have been hurtfully affected by their addicted loved ones. I strongly suggest that you do go to as many as possible at first. That's what I did & I now go to one weekly & without fail. They help me so so much.

jjj111

GB, what are you doing for YOU? Have you read up on codependency? Maybe gone to a meeting? Do you have hobbies or things you do to relax and unwind? I think that real recovery from codependency takes more than just giving up your DOC (in this case, your ex). You also have to actively work on finding ways to reconnect with your joy and serenity in order to be able to let go of your addiction to this guy.

To answer your question, my EXABF, a cocaine addict, showed up again a few months after disappearing. He disappeared the first time when I made it clear that I wouldn't be enabling him any more, and then he showed back up a few months later, squeezed another small loan out of me, and then disappeared again when I made it clear that I wasn't going to go back to being Queen Enabler. Trust me, you only miss him because the distance allows you to create a fantasy about how awesome he is. He is not as terrific as you are remembering him right now. Maybe your ego is just wounded?

gothbarbie

No I have not, i usually just come on SR & read other people's stories & that usually helps me. I've been having it rough lately though :/

Nina Kay

I know you have been having it rough, I could hear it in your posts. I'm so sorry. You sound so young & you really deserve to heal and be able to live a more positive & healthy life.
The Meetings help me so much in so many ways. SR is a big help too. It's the same, but face-to face. It is so supportive & healing, if you keep going & listening & learning & growing. You don't have to be alone with this very hurtful part of life. Just try it. You'll really be happy you did.

gothbarbie

yes I know my ego is wounded. I've never been thru this type of break up before. After reading all of these stories on here it's usually the sober/sane person dumping the addict not the addict dumping the sober/sane loving person they had. I just wonder if he ever really did love me or was it all just nothing?! It's been 4 months since the split but when he left for rehab he kissed me & promised to keep in touch and then texted me after to tell me he loved me & to stay strong and that's the last I ever heard from him. Why would he do that??? As for what have I been doing for me? Well for starters I went back to work asap, I've been traveling (which has helped some) but all in all I'm trying to resume my life the way it was before i met him by doing MY thing. I haven't dated anyone since, I'd like to maybe if it's the right person. I don't wanna make another mistake by letting someone hurt me all over again. This has literally been THE only relationship I've ever had that I'd ever grieved for this long for someone. I never gave him anything as far as money for drugs or anything drug related. I enabled him by always being there for him & making him food, cleaning our apt, etc. It just hurts so bad bc things were ok between us until he started telling me that I was home too much & that he had fallen out of love with me. But then i'd ignore him for a couple of days & he'd come around being nice again. I thought he loved me.....

allforcnm

I just got caught up with your posts, and one things that stands out to me is that you really were never given any closure. The steps from detox to rehab, and asking you to leave and his sister getting involved it was all very fast, and sort of impersonal after having a long relationship. Then you travelled across country and felt displaced from the life you knew - not just with him but in general with the environment. That is all very stressful.

I cant answer the question about ex addict boyfriends coming back, or even once they are in recovery. I have read on here a lot about how they do come back usually when not wanted.

My husband and I were separated while he was in active addiction for about a year, and then he went into rehab (sounds similar to the type your ex went into) and he stayed for 3 months. Then he moved home, went back to work that was waiting for him, etc. I can tell you that early recovery has a lot of ups and downs emotionally. Even though you were together before your ex went into treatment, he may just feel he has nothing to offer until he gets his life in a better place, and is stronger and more stable. Relapse is also common and it sometimes takes multiple treatments for a person to really find long term remission.

There is just no telling what may happen but I think it is good you have returned to the place you feel is "home". When my husband and I were apart I tried to focus on my life and things I enjoyed. My work, my son, family, friends, doing yoga, taking care of our dog, cooking. I would try to look at all of this change as opportunity for you. Since you were not given closure with him, then I think maybe it would be helpful to find a way to grant it to yourself. Maybe do some journaling, remembering, letting go, writing out a prayer for him, for whatever the future holds and then set it free.. in a bottle in the ocean, in a burning fire, whatever would be significant for you.

Moving to a new place has such excitement, opportunity. Look around you and find things that interest you and try to take part, keep busy. I bet before long some of the pain and confusion will lift. Keep posting, let us know how you are doing. All the best to you for the New Year.

gothbarbie

omg yes! ^ you hit the nail on the head with this Ugh all of the constant mood swings /depression I've had since going thru all of this mess :/ I'm leaving Monday to go back to CA which is "home" to me, but not back to the same location as before. I miss my old life i had prior to the emotional rollercoaster he had me on for 2 & a half years. His sister told me she was trying to protect me from him & the addiction. She has since been paying off the past due utility bill as she promised so that's good. I would feel slightly better if I did recieve an email from him at some point stating that he is sorry for what he did & that maybe somewhere down the line after his recovery we could possibly work it out but I'm not so sure I'd feel the same way after much time has passed. I think we both loved each other but sometimes i almost feel as though my love was stronger for him than his was for me simply being for the way things happened in the end with the no closure & getting kicked out & uprooted from my life so abruptly with no follow up whatsoever. I'm planning on writing a book about my life & the crazy things that i've gone thru in my 30 yrs on this earth. You are right about me not getting the full closure I needed & I am seriously thing about writing a looong letter to him & putting it inside a bottle & throwing it into the ocean as my own personal closure. What a good idea Hopefully in time once i return home I'll be much happier & can move on to someone who can truly love & appreciate me the way i want. Thanks for the kind words <3

allforcnm

Good luck with your move "home" on Monday. Be kind to yourself - you have been through a lot with the relationship and relocating twice now in such a short amount of time. Do you have friends or family in the new location? Im glad to hear his sister is paying off the debt as she promised. It sounds like she is doing her best given what's probably a very emotional situation for her also. She has probably seen first hand the chaos addiction can bring, and in her way is trying to protect you.

Im glad your going to do some writing, and I hope it helps. I think you will know when the time is right to cast that bottle into the ocean

Please keep us posted on how your doing.

gothbarbie

Thank you <3 I will update as often as I can

gothbarbie

I really don't know anymore if he ever did love me after everything that happened. I mean he emailed me 3 months after our 2nd split asking to be platonic roommates so we could try & get our lives together & also saying that he didn't want a relationship right then but maybe down the road he might but I could date anyone I could & that he wanted the best for me. I stupidly jumped at the chance thinking oh yea roommates right lol we'd be back together in no time & we were but it was very push & pull. He was obviously using pills at the time but i thought he was just functioning with them. One day he'd say well maybe we really were meant for each other then the next day or so he'd be very distant. I thought it was me at the time, I didn't know. He wanted me to sleep in "his" room every night instead of mine but when I told him no that I either wanted a relationship or else I was sleeping on my own from there on out. So it was then he committed until the summer when we both weren't working at the time so we were both home all the time around each other. That's when our real troubles started, he started blaming me for not having my own life blah blah, I'm the reason we were struggling (but yet he was on unemployment & refusing to look for a job) I was suffering from depression & so it played out to where he told me one night that he just wasn't as in love with me as he used to be & that he wanted me to move out. When he finally gave in & told me the truth about being back on the pills after numerous attempts to quit & going thru withdrawals, he told me he loved me & didn't want me to leave. I was so confused & hurt I didn't know what to believe anymore. All I know is that he went to rehab & pretty much discarded me with a broken heart without any closure. I still long for him more than I should. Ugh I just hurt. I'm gonna try & get on anti depressants for awhile until I feel better & less anxiety about everything. I keep hoping to hear from him but I know that's just an invitation for more pain which is why I haven't reached out to him yet. Anyone else ever been thru this situation before? If so share your story.

anotherfool

I'm sorry he played you like a fiddle, happened to me too.

gothbarbie

Sorry to say but you have no hard proof that that's what it was exactly. I am 98% sure that drugs played a major part in his hot /cold actions towards me.

jjj111

GB, at some point I think you just have to give up trying to analyze what his true feelings were. Honestly, they probably changed minute to minute. He doesn't sound very stable. I have learned the hard way that trying to understand exactly what motivates other people, especially exes, is a waste of time. The old saying is true: actions speak louder than words. I, too, have spent a long time trying to understand how exes could be so heartless as to hurt me, but I am realizing more and more that it's not worth wasting my thoughts on someone who shows me by his actions that he doesn't want to be with me. He dumped you, and I know it hurt a lot, but that's really the bottom line. Time to move on! I think you dodged a bullet. After my breakup with my AXBRF, I grieved for a while, but eventually I realized that I needed to spend some time thinking about how I got roped into such an unhealthy relationship and how I would try to protect myself in the future and find something happier next time.

gothbarbie

Just thought I'd update after being away for a year. I'm a lot better off emotionally than I was this time last year regarding him. He has since gotten married to someone else who in a way resembles me. I still never heard anything from the idiot & probably never will. I'm hurt at what he did to me but completely over any romantic ties I ever felt for him if that makes any sense. I'm not going to lie, it took me some time to get over it once i moved back out here & I was pretty high strung with anxiety but boy do I feel better now.

jjj111

GB, that's great to hear! Time really does heal things. I remember a time when I felt devastated by the breakup with my AXBF, but I can see now how much better off I am. I have found it an important part of my healing to think about what red flags I missed and how I will do things differently next time. Hugs!