horriblethisis

After 25 years married, and separated for this whole year...the time is almost here for the finalities. The thing is, my soon to be ex has turned his life around and is pretty much the man I married. Is this too good to be true? What if I go back and give him "another chance"...will I be left dissappointed again? He keeps asking me for another chance, but really don't think I can ever get that trust back ever again. He is trying to get inside my head and make me confused - it's working. I have been dating someone else for the last two months, and he is so wonderful and no addictions from what I can see. I feel happier and fell like I am in such a better place, I am actually falling for this new man. I feel like I am in such a better place in my life right now, but feel torn because my soon to be ex is making me feel as if I didn't try hard enough to make it work considering his "addicitons were an illness"...I gave him a few chances before I "left". Why would this time be any different???

hopeful4

Why indeed would this time be different? It sounds like you are in a great place. Do you want to give up the person you are falling for by rolling the dice that you may get back to where you once were? You said you don't ever think you can trust him again. Those words speak volumes.
Only you can decide what you want, but please know, you only live once at this point, YOU need to make decisions based on what will make YOUR life a happy one. As you said, you gave him many chances. Sometimes the chances just run out.

Good Luck and God Bless!

TMZ

I don't like the giving advice thing. Every situation is different, every marriage is different, and every addict is different and has different choices of drugs. ...So really no one can tell you what is the right thing to do. It is going to have to be your choice and your decision because it is your life and you will have to live with it.

That said it is recommended that an addict wait one year before getting into a relationship. This too should apply to married. the other point I would like to point out is it takes about 4 years for someone to rebuild the trust that had been destroyed in a marriage.
Theses are the only points on addiction, or marriage I know. I am sharing them with you but like I said you have to live your life not me. I deal with addicted children and it has torn my marriage apart. So I have no place telling you what is best or how to do it. But maybe the info might help you with your choices.

Be well,
they can recover.

zoso77

It's not my place to give advice. I've always been of the opinion that for every decision we make, there are intended and unintended consequences. So when we make decisions, we really have to be in touch with what we know to be true, and not base our decisions on what we hope in our heart.

Most of us who find the board are in some sort of emotional turmoil when they arrive. And it takes quite a bit of effort to get to a point where we make decisions based on what is best for us. And often times what's best for us is the thing we don't want to do. So, you have a lot of thinking to do. And it's safe to say that no matter what you decide, you'll have our support.

Be safe.

ZoSo

Twofish

Hey, One question...where is your heart? Your head? Are you 100% you want to divorce a man you have know and been married to for 25yrs? Then jump into another relationship of two months that may be love? You have to decide, it's not fair to this new guy, especially if he is falling in love with you. Olden day terms...getting serious. How would you feel if the roles were reversed? Can't have his cake and eat it too, I think. What does your gut say? Can you give your husband ANOTHER chance? Does the new man know about your feelings and your husband? Or is he married to another person too? I think Zoso is right, don't base any decisions on what our hearts are telling us? Take your time, there's no need to make a decision today. Ending an old relationship is a hard blow to anyone's heart, addiction or no addiction. Have a good week end, we are always here, TF

MLJ88

Sounds like your ex is blaming you for the failed marriage and not taking responsibility for his actions. No one can tell you what to do besides YOU. Your gut instincts will never fail you, do what truly makes you happy.

tootsl1

Not advising here, but after 12 years of trying to make my marriage to AH work I walked. He sobered up, but to me it was too little too late, the love and trust was gone. He went back to alcohol. Whether he would have if we had gotten back together I don't know. I have guilt, but I also had to live my life for me.

What ever you chose to do, I wish you well

Kindeyes

My XAH did this too. But once I had mustered the courage to divorce him......it was a little too little......a little too late. I had tried to make the marriage work for five years. My XAH also used the F.O.G. approach (using fear, obligation, and guilt) to persuade me to "try again". Those tactics confused me.....and made it difficult to think straight. I held to my decision and I have no regrets.

Do what's right for you. Play the tape all the way through. You don't have to make decisions right away.......time always reveals more.

gentle hugs
ke

PS-my XAH......30 years later....he is still addicted.....hasn't worked for years.....and is fully supported by his sister. She pays his rent, gives him money, etc. She has done this for years.

LoveMeNow

I read your posts on the F&F of Alcoholics. It seemed you were concerned about your new boyfriends drinking issues.

I mention this because I know until I do a lot of hard work on me, I will continue to seek out the same kind of relationships. Most of us do!

Have you questioned why you seem to need a man to be happy? I am not passing judgement, as I too have struggled with this as well.

YearForMe

For me....

I'm going to push thru my divorce.

The marriage certificate is just a piece of paper that binds me to him financially.
There is no piece of paper on earth that will keep two people together...or apart....if that is what is meant to be.

If I were to go back for another round and he didn't end up to be Mr. Wonderful....I would hate myself.

If I rushed into another relationship and ignored red flags.....I would end up hating myself.

I have observed quite a few of my friends lately who have filed for a divorce and then rushed out and started seeing/dating/sleeping with....another new guy. Ignoring all kinds of red flags along the way.

EnglishGarden

I have to agree with some of the other posters about the dangerous position you are presently in. For you are in the "narcotic" stages of early romance--which is an unreal period filled with a lot of illusion and projection--and in the "mourning" stages of a 25 year marriage and way of life and family which is dying.

We are not always open to rational suggestion when our hearts are a-flutter, but I can't help thinking that your interests would best be served by one more year of no relationship while you find your center. No ex, no new bf. Because with both, you are concentrating on the Other, when, after all that you have been through, you are at risk of not knowing yourself very well.

pmv

if this other guy was'nt
in your life where would your happiness be